like chewing on tinfoil

Chess is an analog live-action computer game or, "game," invented in the year 1212 B.Y.A. by Shatranj Al-Chessinventir. Designed to teach local rulers about warfare and defending their kingdoms, the game simulated a royal court and its pawns with game pieces. The original pieces were as follows:

King: The ruler of the court, if captured, means the end of the game. Mostly a figurehead, he can only move one tile at a time.

Queen: The most capable piece, she does the most work, but capturing her is unimportant because apparently a woman who can do anything is worth far less than a man who can barely move.

Bishop: Like a real bishop, this piece can only move diagonally, and whenever it takes another piece, it must pray for absolution or it will go to Chess Hell or, "Chell," and burn in Chess Fire or, "Chire," for all Chess Eternity or, "Next Round."

Knight: A knight must move in an L shape as per the rules of Tetris, from which the earliest chess games were inspired. The knight is represented by a horse in honor of Mazura of Parapa Palace.

Royal Piss-Bucket Emptier: Now known as the "Rook" due to Victorian prudery, the Royal Piss-Bucket Emptier runs as far as needed in any cardinal direction because the historical job entailed speed and resolute direction.

Pawn: Also known as a "Serf" or "Retail Clerk," the Pawn is expected to die young and be replaced quickly without the royals so much as noticing, so worthless and ordinary is this piece that just wanted to survive and be with their family. Should a pawn make it to the opposite side however, it can become a Queen or any other piece, a lesson designed to teach players that if they betray their family and join the ranks of the enemy, they will be rewarded with fame, fortune, and optional gender fluidity.

Though only about 24 possible games are playable with chess, two less than tic-tac-toe, many books have been written on Chess Theory by lonely people hoping to impress someone with how smart they think they are. This has sadly never worked.

Chess grew popular in America in the 60s and 70s due to the celebrity of chess master Bobby Fischer, but declined soon after when Fischer claimed that Jews were to blame for everything bad, Jews were evil, and he hoped that all the Jews would die. Being Jewish himself, he then died. He was then dug up again (f8=P?) and reburied by order of the Bishop (Bxf8#).

Chess has only recently made a comeback owing to new and interesting chess variants such as 4 Player Bughouse Chess, Three-Man Chess, 5D Chess with Multiverse Time Travel, and Checkers (with chess pieces because I forgot where I put the checkers).

According to a report released Wednesday by the University of Iowa, 87 percent of Americans are currently unaware that they have been selected in the later rounds of the 2015 Major League Baseball Draft. “Our survey indicates that over 270 million Americans are totally oblivious to the fact that they’ve been picked between the 20th and 40th rounds of this year’s MLB Draft and are now eligible to negotiate minor-league contracts,” said study author Angelo Crawford, explaining that over four-fifths of the U.S. populace, many of whom never played baseball past Little League, have no idea that their names were recently displayed on the MLB.com live draft tracker as their selections were analyzed by numerous baseball writers and sports bloggers.