Jasmine-Marie

With continuing the topic of my recent weekly life aspects, I want to talk about my emotions, specifically how I have been feeling this past few hours. It is nothing major or depressing, just casual!:)

For the past hour or so I have been feeling a bit down. Specifically with my friendships. To elaborate I don't really have any girl friends. Genuine ones either, to hang out with me or just text/talk to me.. I have always seemed to struggle with this in a way. I am a natural introvert but I am also nice and out-going. Unconsciously I take my time to warm up to people. I like to compare myself to a blossoming flower in the first bud of spring. At first the closed flower appears quiet, very collect.. Once it starts to bloom/blossom you then start to see and recognize what is on the inside, and just how complex even the simplest forms of life can be..

I have also considered that maybe girls do not consider me pretty and categorize me 'below them'. Girls at my school do not really want to talk to me.. I get this feeling because they are always looking or staring at me, sometimes they give me weird/mean looks, other times just blank expressions or side-eyes.. Also to clarify I have never been the one to be into drama or gossiping either.. I have also taken that into account. When I look around me it seems as though a lot of friendships between girls and groups are started/ built from talking about other people and sharing that connection that you do not like that certain person/people.. I rather not have a friendship like that though.. Its not just the girls at my school either or in my grade (Senior), when I go out to public places, I get the same looks and stares.. I am not loud, and my face isn't mean and I do not give dirty/mean looks to anyone.. I do not dress very elaborate/ showy either. I am just completely dumb-founded and it tends to make me feel very sad at times.. I wish that I could have a genuine girl friend who wants to casually go out shopping or talk about our lives together, or go see a movie, or play games, etc.. It probably doesn't help that I am pretty shy at first as well, and I sometimes tend to wait for people to 'make the first move'. My daily life is pretty busy, even on the weekends and I have a lover as well, so I am also busy with that too.. Maybe I should find a girl friend with a lover and/or busy life as well? So she understands and so she doesn't feel ignored or dis-included? Hmm.. I have tried online friendships as well. All the girls that I talk to are always very sweet and talkative with me! I wonder what the difference is.. But with that being said I am also very much more busy now, since turning 18 and nearing the ending of my high school senior year. To clarify I am also very put together and clean, and I put effort in my outfits, nothing too crazy or over-the-top though! I dress casual for school and more expressive and 'like myself' anywhere else.

I have always wondered if I will ever have a genuine girl friend(s)

My life these few passing days has been very productive. I made a schedule for myself everyday; morning and night, Monday-Thursday; even for the weekends. There are alarms for the whole schedule.. I feel like that might be weird but it makes me accomplish more things. Its simple things like when to wake up in the morning, when to eat breakfast, when to exercise, what time I need to leave in the morning.. It's nothing very controlling, just a daily schedule with alarms as a reminder.

Graduation is nearing in less than two months and I am very excited but I can't help but feel my heart sink when I think about it as well..? Maybe it is the thought of almost 'a new beginning' a 'new chapter' in my life. High school has had it's ups but most definitely it's downs.. After almost 13 years in school, I feel a sense of relief to almost be done!

I have started cooking dinners at night! Since increasing how frequently I cook I have gotten a lot better at it! I often try new recipes and ones that I have remembered from my childhood! I put a lot of thought when making my weekly grocery lists and meal ideas; I put a lot of hard work into my cooking!