I am Blue

You haven’t posted in over 900 days and I am sorry for breaking us apart. I hope you are doing okay, and that you’re not still mad at me.

I am terrified of falling in love and I don’t know how much I’ll be able to let myself be open and vulnerable around a new person...

I turned twenty seven years old and I made myself chocolate cake. I went out and bought some old books, I did the dishes, and I ate a very large salad for lunch. And I turned twenty seven, I didn’t think that was possible. I haven’t had a drink this year yet, my birthday came and I just wanted to be on my own, sober and quiet. I never really liked alcohol anyway, I just liked the attention. I made a non-alcoholic drink, ate the chocolate cake and then left the dishes in the kitchen counter. And then I went to bed a year older, but time doesn’t work that way I know. Eventually the years will have passed — I know — and maybe I will let go, my dear forget-me-not, I will let go of the way I woke up in love one morning, and then did everything to bruise you. And then I pushed you so far away that you’ve been floating through space ever since. Can you imagine? A flower floating around in zero gravity. In a smoke filled room, in a burning house, where I’ve trailed the mud in with my shoes. I am a year older still, and I’ve known you so little my dearest, I am sorry — I didn’t know I’d make it to this age.

I am most afraid of this happiness. I fear that if I care then it’ll end badly. But I feel a kind of anxious joy when I know you are coming to meet me.