eden's twilight

It was something like an unwritten rule that rich kids would go to private schools, at least where you lived, which could also be heavily influenced by the fact that one of the best private schools in the country was located in your town. Of course, coming from a family of successful businessmen, you had been enrolled the moment your family stepped foot there three years ago. About 95% of the students were filthy rich, the remaining 5% being scholarship kids that you didn’t really communicate with much. Well, truth be told, you only really communicated with four people in the school but in all honesty, you enjoyed your school life.

You walked into the school cafeteria and headed over to the table where your best friend Karina was already enjoying her lunch. Across from her was sitting Donghyuck, another one of your friends. Karina and Hyuck had a long story back, both of them teasing each other all the time, never actually getting together yet for some reason. You had given up trying to help them. You had enough to worry about with your own secret crush anyway.

“The school year started two weeks ago, how come I already have three different assignments,” you complained instead of a greeting once you sat down at the table.

“Senior year, Y/N, we all knew that was coming,” Hyuck shrugged, grinning slightly with an astonishing lack of empathy.

You just rolled your eyes, not bothering to respond. You took a bite out of your lunch but got distracted as soon as two familiar figures entered the cafeteria. The other two in your small group – Na Jaemin and Huang Renjun. Your eyes quickly stopped on the Chinese boy and you couldn't help but let out a quiet sigh.

“Y/N, dear, can you please tell him finally?” Karina rolled her eyes next to you, leaning closer and lowering her voice so Hyuck wouldn't listen in. “You’ve had a crush on Renjun for as long as I’ve known you, you should just go for it.” 

You shook your head quickly, opening your mouth to say something in objection but then the two boys had already reached the table. You closed your mouth again and waved at them with a smile.

“Hello there,” Jaemin greeted, grinning slightly as he sat on the table next to you. Like, literally on the table, his feet stepping on the bench. You looked up at him, eyebrows raised in just a slightly judging manner.

“Hey, kiddo,” you smiled back, reaching up to ruffle his hair.

Yet your smile melted as Renjun suddenly sat down next to you, greeting you with a soft “Hello, beautiful” of his own and throwing his arm over your shoulder. You greeted back softly, enjoying the feeling of his body near yours.

Renjun confused you a lot of the time - he seemed open to you, he flirted and complimented you a lot, but he’d never really addressed any feelings and you knew him as a straightforward guy that wouldn’t just keep quiet if he wanted something. Which is why you were scared to ask him yourself. That, and your lack of experience. Well, you weren’t innocent and pure, you had dated and had sex before, but it had been with girls. Men were a confusing thing to you, you weren't sure what to do with those and feared messing up, as dumb as that was. But you just didn’t want to mess up with Renjun.

“People, I am planning on organizing a back-to-school party this year,” Jaemin said, pulling you away from your thoughts. 

“Are parties all you think about?” Renjun tsked in disapproval on your left, making you chuckle. “You’re legally an adult already, Nana, you can’t always just have fun.”

“So, who wants to host it?” Jaemin ignored him, a grin spreading on his lips. “My parents are home tonight so it can’t be at my place. Hyuckie?” Donghyuck shook his head with a roll of his eyes. 

“Don’t look at me,” he whined. “Last time I let you have a party at my place, I had to find my precious Michael Jackson albums in the bottom of the laundry basket, under at least three shirts that weren’t mine!”

The grin on Jaemin’s lips didn’t fall, instead, he just seemed pleased with the mentioned outcome.

“My parents aren’t home, actually,” you mentioned, chuckling slightly. “And you’re in luck, I actually feel like dealing with one of your parties, Jaem,” you said, smiling at the boy that immediately turned to you, a happy glow in his eyes that melted you a bit on the inside.

“Great then, I’ll go invite everyone important!” he jumped up, already taking out his phone and ignoring Renjun’s eye roll and disappointed sigh.

“Y/N, you should finish your lunch,” Renjun said to you, smiling sweetly. “If you’ll be dealing with him all night, you’ll need all your energy.” You nodded slightly as you took a big bite of your meal, eyes shining from the approval on Renjun’s face.

You failed to notice Jaemin’s mood faltering and the way his smile dropped as he left the cafeteria. And when you realized he had left, you just shrugged, assuming it was just to talk to his friends about the party.

The school day passed by quickly, and soon you found yourself at home getting everything ready for the party. The home staff had helped you stock up enough alcohol and snacks for as many people as you could, not really sure who Jaemin would even have invited. You hoped it wouldn’t be the whole school, which he had done once in Renjun’s house. You were relieved to see not that many people arriving. I mean, of course, it was a pretty big party, but you could handle this much and still have a house by the next day.

The night was going well, everyone seemed to be having fun, a lot of the kids were already getting drunk, and you were pretty sure at least one of the guest rooms was taken up, but you were happy. And maybe a little tipsy yourself.

“Y/N, baby, come play with us,” you heard your best friend’s voice call out to you and turned around with a smile, seeing Karina, the three boys, and some other kids. You approached curiously, taking a sip from your glass filled with vodka and cranberry juice.

“What are we playing?” you asked, tilting your head to the side.

“Truth or dare,” Hyuck answered instead, grinning. You took notice of the boy sitting a lot closer to Karina than usual, which made you raise your eyebrows and a smirk curve your lips, throwing the other girl an amused glance to which she replied with a wink.

“I’m in,” you giggled, sitting down in the free spot next to Renjun and across from Jaemin. They had already started playing and apparently, one of the girls had to sit in another guy’s lap, which he seemed to enjoy a lot more than her. The same boy spun the bottle and it landed on you, another giggle escaping you. Okay, maybe you were more than just a little tipsy.

“Uh, if you had to date someone from the group, who would it be?” the boy asked awkwardly, which you gave to the fact that you didn’t really know each other.

“Easy, Karina” you grinned, laughing a bit after that, though judging by his expression he expected the answer to be a boy. “But if you insist it has to be with a dick, then I’d say Renjun,” you added, your mind cloudy enough to not overthink it. Renjun laughed amused, leaning over to peck your cheek, and if anyone could know that you were suddenly feeling warmer, you'd blame it on the alcohol.

As the game goes, it was your turn to spin the bottle and so you did, landing on a girl from the class below yours. You knew her very vaguely yet made up some dumb dare that the girl still ended up enjoying. A few more rounds went by and the bottle fell on Jaemin, who picked dare almost the same second.

“Kiss the person across from you,” whoever had spun said.

It took you a moment to realize that was you. You blinked, looking up and your eyes met. Unlike the confident expression you could see on his face usually, Jaemin looked unsure, you could see a question in his eyes. “I can drink if you don’t-“ he started, but you shook your head.

“Na Jaemin doesn’t step down from dares,” you declared, giggling and taking a sip from your drink again. “I ain’t gonna be the reason you change that.” With that you got up on your knees, leaning over the bottle closer to him.

You could see him still hesitating, which made you narrow your eyebrows slightly and pout. “If you don’t want to, though…“ you started, your tone a bit upset in your drunken haze, which seemed to snap him out of his anxiousness and he moved up, closer to you. His hand reached up, cupping your cheek gently.

“Any preferences on the kiss?” he asked suddenly, you weren't sure if he was asking you or the person that had given the dare. 

“Aye, don’t be boring, give us a show,” someone shouted from the side and your eyes widened a bit as you realized that maybe you hadn’t really thought this through.

You hadn’t kissed boys, although you supposed it wouldn’t be much different from kissing girls. But you had never expected the first boy you kissed would be Jaemin, one of your closest friends. Yet you didn’t mind, or at least the alcohol in your system helped you not to mind. 

“You better make my first kiss with a boy worth it, Na” you mumbled jokingly and then leaned closer, pressing your lips against his softly.

He seemed taken aback for a second, yet reacted almost immediately after that, kissing back and tilting his head to the side to deepen the kiss. His hand moved from your cheek to the back of your neck as he seemed to pull you closer. His tongue gently darted along your lips and you gladly opened them, letting him do whatever he pleased, the alcohol on his tongue mixing with the taste of vodka in your own mouth. You could hear cheers around you, and you could hear your brain complaining about what Renjun would think of you, but Jaemin was very distracting from both of those. Apparently, people weren’t lying when they said he was skilled with that stuff.

When he finally pulled away, you could feel your head spinning a bit, the oxygen a little short for your already intoxicated brain and you stumbled a bit as you sat back down. Renjun wrapped his arms around you quickly to help you so you wouldn’t fall. You thanked him softly, smiling at Jaemin. The other boy had already sat back down as well, seemingly calm, although his eyes were moving around anxiously. ‘Was I a bad kiss?’ was the first thought in your head, making you widen your eyes slightly. And being the dysfunctional drunk you were, the thought stuck with you for the rest of the game. You answered some questions, did some dares but didn’t even give them thought. Your mind was entirely somewhere else. All you could think about was that you had been so bad Jaemin regretted it... and that you wouldn’t be good enough for Renjun.

Caught up in your thoughts, you didn’t notice it had been your turn to spin the bottle until Renjun shook you gently. You blinked, eyes focusing on him and widening slightly when you realized how close he was. Your head was spinning and suddenly you felt the urge to kiss him. 

“Sorry, someone take my turn,” you coughed out, getting up and walking away quickly as panic flooded your mind.

You headed straight for your room, closing the door behind you and leaning your back on the wall. You could feel tears rushing to your eyes so you took a large sip of your drink to distract yourself. It was going to be okay, you thought, you'd sober up and it would get better. This was a dumb reason to cry anyway.

“You okay, princess?” you heard a familiar voice suddenly. Not expecting him to be there, you jumped up slightly, looking over at Jaemin. “Sorry, I just got worried when you left so quickly and wanted to check if everything is alright.”

“Was I a bad kiss?” you asked, not really paying attention to what he had said. You could only focus on one thing at the moment.

“I’m sorry, what?“ Jaemin widened his eyes, choking slightly on air.

“Did it feel bad? Kissing me, I mean,” you reworded your question, your lips trembling a little.

“Of course not!” he shot back immediately, his face heating up noticeably. “You were one of the best kisses I’ve ever had,” he added a little more collected this time as he looked away and coughed awkwardly. You weren't sure if he was honest or just saying that to calm you down but decided not to question it for your own sake. You pouted and looked at your drink.

“Good enough for Renjun?” you asked quietly instead. You hadn’t mentioned your crush in front of the boys in your friend group because you were scared they would spread the information just because they were friends, yet at the moment that wasn’t your biggest concern. Jaemin didn’t reply though. When you looked up, his face was blank. “I’m sorry, that was a dumb question, ignore it,” you forced a laugh and took a sip from your drink as if to say ‘Look, everything’s so alright I can even drink!’

“You haven’t confessed to him yet because you’re scared you wouldn’t be good enough at kissing?” Jaemin asked, raising his eyebrow as his usual teasing grin slowly took back its place on his lips.

“Well, not just a kiss, I,“ you started explaining, then a gasp left your lips and your eyes widened. “You know?!” you screeched and covered your face with your hands.

“It’s just a little obvious,” Jaemin replied jokingly as he stepped closer to you and pulled your hands away from your face, taking the glass away from you and setting it down on the shelf near you. He’d closed the door after he’d walked in, leaving the two of you alone in your bedroom. “Now tell me, what did you mean?”

“Well, I’m scared I’ll be a disappointment,” you signed, leaning back against the wall and crossing your arms. “I’ve been with girls before. But I’ve never been with a boy, I’m scared I’ll mess up when I’m with him and he won’t want to be with me but won’t tell me because he’s just too sweet and we’ll be stuck in a relationship he doesn’t want and I can’t let go.” You were ranting at this point, the alcohol blurring your thoughts.

“You know he wouldn’t judge you for something like this,” Jaemin said quietly, one of his hands gently cupping your cheek, which made you remember the kiss earlier when he had held you the same way. “And I’m sure you’d figure out what to do quickly anyways” he added, a small smile curving his lips as if to comfort you. You were quiet for a bit, your mind once again working on its own thing.

“I know! You’ll teach me!” you exclaimed suddenly, grabbing his arms excitedly. In your eyes, there was a glimmer and Jaemin had to take a step back. 

“What?!“ he choked out, and you giggled, finding his surprise adorable. 

“Teach me how to please a boy, Nana,” you asked, a grin spreading your lips at the brilliant idea you had just had.

“I think you should stop drinking and just go to bed, Y/N,” the boy chuckled awkwardly, pushing you away from himself. He pulled you gently to the big bed in the corner of the room.

You narrowed your eyebrows - going to sleep wasn’t what you had wanted. So when the two of you reached the bed, you pushed Jaemin to sit on it instead, surprising him enough so he couldn’t stop you, and got in his lap. Your arms came to rest on his shoulders and you looked down at his wide eyes and flustered expression.

“I’m serious, Jaemin, you have experience with these things and I trust you.” You could see him swallowing hard, hopefully, that was supposed to mean that he was giving in. “Teach me how to fuck boys, Jaem” you whispered, begging him with your eyes.

He was still unresponsive. And if you had been sober, you probably would have apologized already and stepped away. But you weren't. So instead of that, you let your head drop until your lips could press comfortably against the skin of his neck and you started leaving open-mouthed kisses down his neck. Then you decided to go back on the same path, this time sucking and nibbling gently along the way. If the way he swallowed dryly and let out a shaky breath was any indication, your actions seemed to be doing the trick and a pleased smile curved your lips. Getting bolder as he didn’t seem to want to stop you anymore, you took it further, lips attaching to a spot you liked and sucking harshly, aiming to leave a mark. At the same time, you rolled your hips against his.

“Fuck-“ Jaemin moaned out lowly at the action, and his hips bucked up slightly against you.

And then you felt a bulge in his pants, pressing against your thigh. You thought that would mean you had won, yet suddenly he pushed you away, startling you enough to make you take a step back and off his lap. His eyes were blown wide as he looked at you, his breathing - heavy.

“Love, believe me, I would love nothing more than to push you onto this bed and have you scream my name,” he said. For some reason, the pet name sent tingles down your spine. Or it could have been the things he’d said. Or the low, raspy tone of voice that you had never heard before. You blamed it on the alcohol.

“Then why haven’t you yet?” you asked, attempting to sound seductive, yet it came out as more of a whine. “What do you want me to do, Nana? Beg for you? Beg for your dick? I can do that, I will do whatever you want me to do.” 

Your eyes were tearing up a little bit at this point. You were drunk and you were now horny, and Jaemin was like a ray of light, a promise of a good time. He had just said that he wanted to do this too. So why was he still refusing?

“Y/N, you are literally wasted,” he said, his eyes softening as he stood up from the bed and approached you again. His hands cupped your cheeks, squishing them slightly and you narrowed your eyebrows. “I am not going to do anything with you in such a state.” He must have seen the disappointment on your face though, as he let out a soft sigh and pecked your lips gently, surprising you. “Listen, if when you wake up tomorrow, you still remember this and you still want me to… teach you, we’ll talk about this more, okay?”

You wanted to argue, to insist on it being right then and there. But you knew that he wouldn’t step down. And deep down, you were grateful about it. And maybe your eyes were stinging a lot more than they did a minute ago, and the bed seemed awfully inviting now.

“But what about you though?” you asked quietly, looking away from him. It wasn't until you looked back at him due to his lack of response, that you realized he didn’t understand your question. “Well, I made you… hard...?” you said, almost a question. 

A chuckle left Jaemin’s lips and he shook his head a little as he pulled you to the bed, letting you lay down and carefully tucking you under the covers. His fingers got buried in your hair and he gently hummed. You were drifting away faster than you had expected. By the time his quiet reply came, you were already too gone to make out the words. 

~

The pain in your head was a bitch. There wasn’t a single thought in your mind besides “fucking hell” for the first few hours after you'd woken up, thankful that Jaemin had been smart enough to throw his party on a Friday, so you could sleep in and die in peace. You didn’t remember getting in bed, but you didn’t really bother about it. It was your own house, you had probably gotten tired and had gone to sleep, in your room, as normal as that.

With a quiet groan, you got up, first heading into the bathroom for your usual morning routine, as well as to take a shower - you felt as if the smell of alcohol had soaked up in your bones. After that, you went to the medicine cabinet in the kitchen. There wasn’t much, but you managed to find a pack of painkillers and gladly took two. You could only hope they would work soon.

Finally feeling a bit more conscious, you decided breakfast would be nice. Obviously, you weren't in the mood to prepare anything complicated, so you just put two slices of bread in the toaster. While waiting for them to be done, you finally checked your phone. Usually, it would be the first thing you do when you wake up, but today you hadn’t had the power to. First of all, you decided to check your messages - there were some from all of your friends from last night.

“you okay?"; "nana said you went to sleep”; “kinda weird if u ask me”; “did you really fall asleep at your own party-” had asked Karina. A chuckle escaped your lips. You quickly typed back an apology, assuring her that you were okay before you opened Hyuck’s message. The smile on your face quickly dropped after you read that one, confusion taking over you.

“girl, if u thought no one would notice the giant hickey on jaemins neck-“ That was the first one. There was another one that made your pulse speed up. “fucker was looking too smug when he came back from ur room did u like suck him off or smth???”

Still unsure what he meant, you opened Renjun’s message. “Jaemin told us that you’d had too much to drink and needed rest. I hope you feel okay in the morning. Make sure to drink lots of water”. After that, there was another short one “Text me if you need anything” followed by a smiley emoji and a heart, which made you melt on the inside a little.

You were more than confused though, your brain was working at its maximum capacity in a hangover state as you moved your toast to a plate, together with some fruit, and then returned to your room to eat there. Munching on a piece of bread, you tried to remember what had happened last night. Finally, you decided that this called for drastic measures.

“Aye, thought you might have died,” were Donghyuck’s first words when he picked up the phone, his voice the usual childish tone over the speaker, a grin evident even in the way he spoke. “Am still waiting for an answer, what did you do to the poor boy?”

“That’s the thing, Hyuck, I don’t remember doing anything,” you sighed, rolling your eyes as you already regretted calling him. “I don’t really remember even being with him, honestly, I must have completely blacked out after… uh, say, did we play something last night...?” you asked, narrowing your eyebrows and nervously nibbling on your nail as you vaguely remembered sitting in a circle with a lot of other people.

“Yeah, truth or dare,” the boy responded, chuckling. “You don’t remember?” You didn’t respond for a while, which the boy seemed to take as a confirmation. “Well, uh…”

“Donghyuck...?” you asked carefully after a moment of silence. “Did I do something really weird?” Still no response. It was unusual for him to be so quiet and you were starting to get very nervous.

“I mean aside from telling everyone that you’d date Renjun and making out with Jaemin, I don’t think there’s anything you could worry about,” he said finally, his voice the normal lazy tone he had as if he hadn’t just told you what he had just told you.

“WHAT???” you screeched, hearing him whine on the other side that you had broken his ears. “Please tell me that you’re messing with me, please, Hyuckie,” you whimpered.

“Nah, you straight up had your tongue down Jaemin’s throat as if your life depended on it. Like, technically you asked for it. It was his dare and he was going to drink but you insisted quite passionately,” he replied casually as if that was the most normal thing ever. “And the Renjun thing wasn’t even that serious, I mean I doubt anyone took it that seriously.” He at least had the decency to try to sound reassuring.

You needed a moment to take it all in. Your fingers got buried in your hair, tugging on it in shock. “Do you think he caught on? He’s smart enough, he probably understood what it meant…“ you whispered, not even minding that Donghyuck seemed to be quite aware of your feelings for Renjun. “I don’t even wanna know what he thought of me - saying that and then kissing… kissing Jaemin,“ you choked on the last words, the thought was so foreign to you.

“It really wasn’t that serious, it was a dare and we had all drank quite a lot, he’d be an idiot to think any less of you for it. But maybe your drunk self was worried too, y’know, you were staring at him for a while there before you suddenly ran away to your room,” the boy on the other side said, humming. His tone seemed a bit more serious now as if he had caught onto your distress even though he was still joking about it.

You pushed your brain more, trying to find the pieces in your mind now that you knew what you were looking for. You could remember the feeling of soft lips on yours, even though the face was not there. “What happened after that? Do you know?”

“All I know is that Jaemin went after you.” You let out a hum, still trying to think. “He came back down about 20 minutes later with a giant dark bruise on his neck. He looked very distracted also, like, he seemed to be thinking about something, fidgeting around all the time and-“

Before he could finish his sentence, you let out another loud screech. It had finally clicked. Not all of it was there, but enough had returned to you and you wanted to die. To bury yourself alive and not ever appear in the land of living again.

“If you’ll repay me for my help by making me permanently deaf, I will just hang up,” Hyuck whined, but you couldn’t care less. You were horrified by your own actions.

“Donghyuck, I asked Jaemin to teach me how to have sex.”

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

“You did what-“ it was a mix between a choke and a laugh as if Donghyuck was in disbelief. Understandably so. This was something quite out of your character. “Sweetie, correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t you crushing on Renjun for, like, the past couple of years?”

“I asked Jaemin cause I was scared I’d fuck up with Renjun, I’m… Hyuckie, what do I do?” you cried out, your head falling on your desk, but you barely noticed the pain in your forehead. “Hyuckie, I literally begged him and threw myself on him.” It was quiet on the other side of the line for a while and when Donghyuck spoke again, amusement laced his tone, as if he was a second away from bursting out laughing.

“Well, well, now it all makes sense…” You were just going to ask what he meant, when he continued, his tone turning suddenly more serious than you ever remembered hearing him. “I would suggest you think very carefully about this and call him and talk to him about the situation.”

“I- I mean, of course, but… Am I missing something else here?” you asked, lifting your head and narrowing your eyebrows in confusion.

“No, Y/N, just be careful. I gotta go now, Karina’s waiting for me” he said, his tone finally lightening up again and you knew you'd have to ask your best friend about it later. 

“Bye,” you replied quickly, a second later the hang-up tone resonated around your room.

You picked up your phone again, nibbling on your lower lip as you reread Renjun’s message. What was he thinking of you now? He was an angel, he probably didn’t even think much of your behavior last night, brushing it off due to the alcohol you had consumed, just as Donghyuck had. But maybe he found it inappropriate. What if he had thought that you were innocent and sweet and now his opinion had been ruined forever? You figured that you didn’t dare ask and find out. So in the end, you sent him a short “Thank you” with a heart emoji, before sending Jaemin a text that you'd be at his place in 30 minutes.

~

Waiting at the door for Jaemin to open was nerve-wracking. You could feel your hands shaking and you were tempted to turn around and run away. Actually, that seemed like a great idea. You could call him from home, why had you even decided to meet up in person in the first place?

“Hey, princess,” his greeting startled you and ruined the chance of escaping, your wide eyes meeting his soft ones, a bright smile on his lips. He looked just like any other time you'd seen him as if nothing had happened. His hair was still messy, as if you had just woken him up, which would make sense on a Saturday morning after a party. He was wearing a large t-shirt and loose sweatpants and he looked so soft you wanted to squish him and put him in your pocket. The irony that this was the same boy you had begged to fuck you was not lost on you. “What’s up, why did you come?” he asked, once again pulling you out of your thoughts.

“I wanted to talk to you,” you squeaked out, embarrassed as to how little your voice sounded. Jaemin’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, yet he smiled even more, even though that seemed impossible, and led you inside and up to his room, taking a pack of chips and two cans of Fanta from the kitchen on your way up.

He opened one of the cans and handed it to you, before opening the other one for himself, and looked up at you. 

“What’s up? How are you feeling, by the way, any hangover difficulties?” he asked, his caring nature peaking. You had to take a breath, he was one of the sweetest people you had ever met, how did you get yourself in this situation with him… You shook your head slightly as a no, which was obviously a lie, but you didn’t wanna let yourself procrastinate.

“Nana, I am so sorry for everything I did last night,” you said quietly, not daring to meet his eyes, staring at the wall behind him instead as your fingers were fidgeting with the tab of your Fanta. Yet you still managed to catch the way his expression changed, the smile falling suddenly. It was almost painful.

“So you did remember after all?” he asked quietly, taking a sip of his drink and setting it on the bedside table. “How much do you remember, princess? And what are you apologizing for exactly?”

“I- I think I remember most of it, I remember how I asked you to…“ You couldn’t finish the sentence, so you took a sip of your drink instead, trying to calm your mind a bit. “I remember I also tried to force you into agreeing…” Unconsciously, your eyes fell on his neck as if searching for… there it was, a bright reddish spot, proudly peeking over the collar of his shirt and suddenly you felt a new wave of embarrassment flooding you. “I am so sorry, I shouldn’t have invaded your space like that without permission,” you shook your head, forcing your eyes away from the bruised skin. "Not that there’s really an excuse for that…"

Jaemin obviously noticed your stare, readjusting his shirt slightly so the collar would cover the hickey. His eyes were gentle as he looked at you while you spoke, his lips pressed in a line.

“It’s okay, Y/N,” he said and something in the way he said your name made your stomach twist uneasy - it didn’t sound like usual, he sounded strained. “I could tell you’re not really in control of yourself, so don’t worry, we can just forget about it, hm?”

You looked up at him, observing his face. You could try to forget about it, of course. But you knew you wouldn’t be able to. And maybe you didn’t remember much, but you were sure he had said… what did he say exactly? Something like ‘I would love to have you scream my name.’ And hadn’t he hinted that he might agree to help you? You took a deep breath, shooting the next sentence out before you could have the time to regret it.

“I still want you to teach me”

Jaemin froze, his eyes widening as he looked up at you as if a second head had just grown out of your neck. You held his gaze, despite your mind literally screaming in fear to run away. You cleared your throat slightly and licked your lips before speaking again.

“You said that if I still want it, we can talk about it, so… If you don’t want to do it, that’s fine, I completely understand, just say something, Nana,” you asked, hoping that you hadn’t just single-handedly ruined your whole friendship.

“Are you completely sure that you want me, specifically me, to teach you about sex?” the boy asked, crossing his arms in front of his chest. His eyes were unreadable, you couldn’t tell whether he wanted to do it, or to say no, you couldn’t even guess what he might be thinking about which honestly terrified you, yet you still nodded.

“I trust you more than any other guy I know, aside from Renjun and Hyuck, but they are obviously not an option. I know that you have experience, it’s not gonna be a jump in the dark…” He was still looking at you with the same expression as if waiting for you to go on. “I don’t even know why I came up with that idea back then, but I know that if I will be having sex with a boy, I would really love it if you’re the first one.” You weren't sure if what you said made sense or if it gave out the right message to the boy, especially since he knew that you liked Renjun.

“I told you last night, and I still stand behind my words, Renjun wouldn’t judge you for something like this,” he pointed out, eyes boring into yours as if he’d manage to read your mind. “You don’t need to do this for him.”

“It’s not only for him, yeah, it may be part of the reason, but I just think it’s time I stopped being afraid of being intimate with a guy,” you tried to make your idea make sense to him. He still seemed doubtful, so you forced an awkward smile on your lips as you added almost jokingly: “And I mean, why would I wanna settle for someone else if I can have the hottest guy I know?”

Tickling his ego seemed to finally do the trick, Jaemin’s mouth curved slightly at the corners and his eyes finally softened.

“Well, if you put it that way…“ he said, laughing cheerfully and you were relieved. “Fine, if you’re sure about it, I will help you,” he agreed, his tone still serious, but now it was just to show he understood the importance of what he was agreeing to. “I’ll go with your speed and I will teach you what you ask me about, okay? If you say you want something, we will do it, but I will not be initiating anything.” You nodded, smiling at him in appreciation.

“Can we not tell the others about it though?” you asked carefully, biting your lips. “I mean, Hyuck knows about last night but… can we keep this just between ourselves?”

“I mean, sure,” he shrugged, taking a sip of his drink before he looked at you again and grinned. “We have a deal, princess, just hit me up when you want to-”

“What about right now?” you shot quickly before even realizing it and the surprise on his face was almost comical.

“Well, you sure go all in…” he chuckled, shaking his head. “What do you wanna know first that you’re so impatient about?”

You looked away again, suddenly embarrassed by how eager you were.

“Well, I don’t know, you could just fuck me, like how you said you wanted to last night,” you said, a smirk curving your lips as some sudden wave of confidence washed over you. But it seemed like Jaemin was either not embarrassed to admit that or was better prepared for you now.

“I mean, I would love to,” he chuckled, a cocky smirk on his lips in return. “But lesson number one - don’t fuck a guy who doesn’t have a condom around,” he chuckled, amused at your surprised expression. “Unless, of course, you are taking pills. Or want to risk it with kids.” You quickly shook your head as a no to both.

“Then… we can try something else?” you asked, biting your lips. He was looking at you expectantly and you remembered that he’d said he wouldn’t initiate anything. “Like… we could go on what we dropped off last night and, well, I could give you… a blowjob?”

“You sure?” he asked after a long moment and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes.

“My God, Nana, if I’m asking you to do it, it obviously means that I’m-”

“Fine then, come here” he interrupted you, something in his eyes flashing and you could feel a shiver run down your spine at his deeper tone. You stood in your spot, frozen for a few seconds and a devilish smirk curved his lips. "Having second thoughts already? You seemed pretty sure just now..." he teased and the subtle mockery in his voice seemed to be enough to get you back to your senses.

Setting the half-empty can on the bedside table, you stood up and made your way over to the boy who had put his arms behind himself and leaned back on them as he waited for you. You weren’t exactly sure whether you were supposed to try and seduce him so the way you plopped yourself on his lap wasn’t exactly graceful or sexy, but he didn’t seem to mind as one of his arms wrapped around your waist to support you.

“I think you should refrain from leaving more hickeys though if you don’t want anyone to know about this,” he chuckled softly and you nodded, although quite honestly the thought made you a bit sad.  You had indeed wanted to go ahead and mark him up some more. The thought was quickly pushed to the back of your mind though, in favor of focusing on what you were actually supposed to do.

The task seemed much more difficult now that you knew he wouldn’t stop you and that your mind wasn’t buzzing with too much alcohol.

“You’re supposed to guide me, you know,” you mumbled, wrapping your arms around his neck and another chuckle escaped his lips.

“You wanted to continue from where we stopped last night, I thought you would be okay on your own with that,” he retorted. “Okay, let’s set something straight first,” he licked his lips, his eyes falling on yours for a second before he looked back up to your eyes again. “Is kissing included in this deal? We established yesterday that you are good enough at it already, so there’s no reason to include that in the lessons if you don’t want to.”

You took a moment, considering his question. On one side, he was right and it wasn’t necessary. Plus, it would make the whole thing even more intimate than it already seemed to be. Yet you kind of… wanted to include that as well. And you would probably feel more comfortable if there was something you were already used to in this whole situation. So, finally, you nodded in confirmation.

Seems like that was all he needed as a second later he crashed his lips on yours. For a moment, you were startled by the sudden intensity, yet you kissed back right away, pressing closer to him as if on instinct. He didn’t give you much time, forcing his tongue in your mouth and taking control of you almost immediately. Your fingers pushed through his hair, tugging gently. The arm around your waist tightened its grip and pulled you closer, as his free hand moved to the back of your thigh, squeezing gently.

Kissing Jaemin felt amazing. Even more so now that you were sober and entirely conscious of what was going on. Getting lost in the kiss, you nearly forgot what the real point of this was. You could spend hours more just like this, yet you remembered that “this” was not the main idea of your deal with Jaemin. Getting back to the point, you rolled your hips against his slowly, a low hum coming from the boy in response as he squeezed you harder and bucked his hips up against yours.

“Already getting hard?” you teased him, out of breath, as you pulled away from his lips just enough to be able to speak. You were tempted to go in again, yet you chose against it in favor of kissing down his jawline and lower down his neck, sucking very lightly, trying to keep up your hip movements against him at the same time.

“One of the hottest girls I have ever met literally just asked me to suck me off and is currently grinding on my dick, excuse me if I’m a little affected,” he rolled his eyes, a subtle rasp in his voice as he leaned his head back to give you more space. You felt a flutter in your chest at his compliment. You couldn’t lie, it gave you a small boost of confidence seeing him enjoy your actions so freely.

“Hope I can live up to the expectations,” you whispered against his skin, feeling him shiver slightly at the way your breath hit his skin. Once again, you were kissing down his neck and collarbones. Okay, maybe you were stalling. You were anxious to go on further than this. You tried to excuse the long time you were taking by making sure he was aroused enough to proceed but you knew that the real reason was that you were scared to go on.

“Princess, are you sure you really want to go through with this right now?” he asked breathlessly as if sensing your hesitation. “I already said that I will help, if you’re scared that I will back out by the time you feel ready-” he started but cut himself off when you got off his lap and fell to your knees. The smile you sent his way showcased much more confidence than you actually felt. Pressing his lips in a tight line, he chose to quiet down and observe you.

Carefully, ignoring the slight shaking of your fingers, you reached up and untied the knot of his sweatpants. You chose to look up at him again when you carefully tugged them down together with his underwear. Licking his lips slightly, he lifted his hips to help you, his eyes boring into yours. You let the clothing fall to the floor before finally lowering your eyes to his crotch. The sight overwhelmed you.

The reality of the situation hit you hard as the fact that for the first time in your life you were seeing a man naked (more precisely a man’s lower half), and that man was your best friend Jaemin sunk in. His dick was standing hard between his legs, the tip leaking slightly. You couldn’t objectively compare it to anything, but the size still scared you.

Jaemin gave you a few moments to collect yourself, before letting out a sigh and leaning a bit forward to cup your chin and tilt your head up so you would look at his eyes instead.

“You’re not ready for that, are you?” he asked gently, with no hint of accusation or displeasure in his voice. You gulped slowly. You wanted to go through with it, you wanted to prove that you had not been just talking big words earlier. But you couldn’t push yourself to lie. You expected him to be disappointed, but he smiled instead. “Come on, get up,” he offered.

Something in the way he seemed ready to just drop it all despite literally having you on your knees in front of him made you want to push through, so you shook your head in disagreement. He narrowed his eyebrows.

“Jaemin, I’m supposed to be learning here, how can I learn if I don’t go out of my comfort zone,” you pouted slightly.

“You literally don’t feel comfortable doing this right now,” he pointed out, raising his eyebrow. “Get up, we can do this some other time,” he insisted, yet you still refused to back down. An exasperated chuckle left his lips and he shook his head in disbelief. “Fine. Give me your hand then,” he prompted and you reached up, placing your hand in his expecting one.

Slowly, as if to give you time to change your mind, he brought it forward until both your hands were hovering over his length. His eyes looked into yours for confirmation and when you nodded slightly, he placed your hand on himself, gently wrapping your fingers around the shaft. There was a visible tightening in his body at the action and you observed curiously as he took a short breath before placing his hand on top of yours.

“We’ll leave the blowjobs for next time, okay?” he said and you nodded slightly. “For now, this will do. For both of us,” he clarified, his eyes staring into yours intensely. When you nodded in agreement, he wrapped his fingers over yours and gently tightened his hold as he started moving your hand slowly along his length.

Getting the cue, you took it upon yourself to go on and stroke him, carefully watching his expression for any changes and signs if you’re doing well or need to change something. He seemed tense, though, looking back at you as he slowly moved his hand away and left you on your own. You went for a little longer like that, experimenting slightly by tightening your grip, and were pleased when a sharp exhale escaped Jaemin’s lips, assuring you that, well, at least you weren’t doing terribly.

“You can-“ he said after a while, clearing his throat to get rid of the sudden rasp in his voice before trying again. “You can tease the tip as well if you want.” You hummed in acknowledgment, obediently moving your hand up so you could carefully rub your thumb over his head. The quiet groan that he let out put a small smile on your face so you repeated the action just so you could enjoy the way his body twitched slightly at your actions.

Little by little, you were getting more familiar with what he seemed to enjoy and what made him curse under his breath or bite his lips. You were still hesitant at times, yet by now you were getting the grasp of it. A small thought popped into your mind as you watched Jaemin close his eyes. Slowly, you leaned down and stuck your tongue out, licking the tip as you twisted your hand gently around him.

“Y/N-“ he gasped out, as he unconsciously bucked his hips up and his eyes snapped open at you in surprise. You blinked at him, faking innocence. “Didn’t we agree that-“

“I just wanted to see how you’d react,” you chuckled, biting down your smile as he glared at you. “Am I doing okay?” you asked, using the moment to make sure. Instead of replying, Jaemin scoffed and leaned down a bit to get closer to you.

“The fact that you stopped is killing me right now,” he said, his pupils dilated with lust, you noted. “Be a doll and finish me off, princess, okay?” 

The words sounded more like an order than anything and you couldn’t help but gulp slightly. You had been so used to childish and bubbly Jaemin that the slight hint of dominance he showcased made your stomach twist. Having the moment to yourself, you realized just how needy you were yourself. There was no way that the situation wouldn’t affect you, yet you hadn’t really expected it would be like this.

Shifting uncomfortably in your spot, you refocused on the task at hand, meaning, Jaemin’s dick. You noted that the tip was leaking, as well as the slight tightening of the boy’s stomach when you wrapped your hand around him again and renewed your work. Resting your other hand on his thigh, you did your best to make the boy feel good. Squeezing your hand harder at times, trying to maintain a good rhythm, and it wasn’t even about the learning process anymore. You just wanted to give him the most you could right now.

Your effort didn’t go to waste as soon enough, Jaemin’s breathing got hitched, his body tensed up and before you knew it, he came all over your hand and his stomach, making a mess out of his t-shirt (that you honestly regretted keeping on him… but there was time for everything).

It took him a while to calm his breath and focus properly again, his eyes landing on you again. A small awkward smile curved his lips as he reached over to his bedside table and pulled out a pack of tissues. You reached over to get them, but he stopped you and carefully cleaned up your hand instead, as well as his stomach, before helping you up and letting you sit on the bed while he fixed his pants and went to change the t-shirt.

You shifted uncomfortably in your seat, feeling how your own arousal had grown to an almost unbearable point. You could ask Jaemin to help you out, you thought… But would that be okay? The deal was to have him teach you the things you didn't know, it wasn't like he owed you any more favors. So you suppressed the idea of having Jaemin eat you out that had popped uninvited and did your best to ignore the wetness between your legs.

“Well, that was something,” he laughed when he was finally back, picking up his forgotten can and taking a large sip. You couldn’t help but notice he avoided looking at you. “You’re not at all bad, you just need to gain confidence,” he smiled at the wall behind your back and you narrowed your eyebrows.

“Nana?” you questioned, getting a hum in response. Yet he still wouldn’t look at you so you got up and walked over to him, grabbing his face gently and turning him so he wouldn’t have the option not to look at you. “You good?” you asked, scared you’d fucked up somewhere. Maybe everywhere.

“Yea, don’t worry, princess,” he smiled, a little strained, yet a blink later he went back again to beaming as usual. "Mind still going over this whole thing, y’know,” he laughed cheerfully.

You hummed quietly, choosing to believe him for now, as you smiled as well.

“Jaem,” you said, drawing a hum from him before you leaned over to peck his cheek. “Thank you for helping me,” you mumbled quietly, before pulling away from him with a grin. “Now, I remember that you promised me at the end of last year that we can watch that show I've been waiting for together and you still owe that to me.”

You’d always thought that you and Chan would be forever. You’d always assumed that nothing could ever come between the two of you. You were too close for that, you loved each other too much for that. It was you and Chan, as simple as that. As simple as it needed to be.

But then Chan left. It was also as simple as that. As simple as one wrong step. Too simple. One day you were curled up in bed together, talking about just anything, the next he was gone. And you were gone too. Without Chan you had nothing. 

You had a hollow shell of a home. A home that once used to be bright and filled with music. Chan’s laugh. His jokes and his little dumb pick-up lines that you’d always cringe at but never failed to make you smile. His happy little hums and his loving voice whenever he had a love song he wanted to share with you. Like that time when you had just moved in together and he had pulled out his phone and played a slow romantic song, taken your hands in his, and danced with you, humming the melody and singing along so quietly that you could only hear him because you were so close to him that you could as well be one whole.

You had a bed too large for one person. A bed that you used to share with Chan. You’d lay there together, sharing a few minutes more than you were supposed to in the morning. You’d cuddle on lazy weekends and talk about anything and everything. You’d share sensual touches and kisses, giggling to each other every time Chan got ticklish. You’d hide under the blankets, in each other’s arms, when you had a bad day or when he got too stressed. Like that time he had a deadline for a complicated project and he had been so overwhelmed working on it that he couldn’t sleep for days until you had pulled him with you under the covers and had held him in your arms, playing with his hair and rambling about a series you’d been watching for hours on until he couldn’t fight the tiredness and had fallen asleep curled up next to you.

You had a wardrobe full of dust. A wardrobe that used to keep your clothes organized tidily and Chan’s just thrown inside unless you got too peevish about it and sorted them properly just for him to mess them up the next day. A wardrobe with a mirror on the inside of one of the doors that you used to fix your outfits, and whenever he caught you staring for too long, Chan would come over, hug you from behind, and whisper praises to you until you couldn’t help but smile and kiss him. Like that time a friend had taken you shopping for your birthday and you had spent so much time searching for the right thing to buy, yet every clothing item you tried on had been the wrong size and looked hideous on you, so you’d returned home on the verge of tears. You had looked at yourself in the mirror, examining all the things you hated about your body at that moment until Chan had come up behind you, pressing a kiss on your shoulder and telling you how much he loved every single part you hated as if he could read your mind at that moment.

You had an untouched pot of ramen. Ramen that you would have shared together. Chan would always make sure you ate well, and you’d do the same for him. You would cook together a meal for dinner, sometimes complicated recipes, other times, when both of you were tired from the day, something simple. Like that time you had made plans to prepare a complex type of pasta for dinner but work had been so stressful for both of you throughout the day that instead, you had bought premade dough from the convenience store and had settled on a homemade pizza, kissing on the kitchen counter as you waited for it to finish baking. 

You had an empty picture frame on the wall. A picture frame that used to hold a photo of you and Chan. Taken by a friend. Showing the two of you together, happy. Enjoying time together, believing you had all the time in the world together. Chan was smiling in that photo. His bright smile, his adorable dimples, his loving eyes as he looked more at you than at the camera. It had been taken that time you had gone to the beach with a few of his friends, a couple of hours ride by the train, jokes along the way, and childish excitement when your feet had stepped onto the sand. You’d laughed together, played together and you had almost missed how someone raised a camera toward you and captured the moment. 

You had an unused bottle of perfume. A perfume that was distinctively Chan. He’d wear it every day to the point that you would joke you can’t recognize him when you can’t smell the perfume on him. On the flip side, the smell made you think of him so much that even if you were walking down the street and someone passed you by leaving a trace of perfume, you’d feel warmth filling you up. Like that time you had been away visiting your family and when you got off the bus on your return, you could swear you could smell his perfume. He was supposed to be at work at the time so you owed it to your excitement to be back home with him again, but just as you unloaded your suitcase, you felt arms wrap around your waist, and there he was. His smell had reached you before him but he had always been there, waiting for you. 

You had a broken little tape player. A tape player that Chan used to carry everywhere with him. It was old and chipped, occasionally distorting the sound or skipping, but still, he treasured it so much. He’d say that just because it’s been through a lot and struggled sometimes, didn’t mean he should give up on it. Because that’s how Chan was, always caring, even when talking about an inanimate object. He’d record his favorite songs on tapes and play them for you. Like that time you had unconsciously hummed to a song that you had heard on the radio earlier, that you couldn’t recognize at all but had loved so much it plagued your mind for days until one day you heard it again, and when you looked up, it was to see Chan and his chipped little tape player, smiling proudly. You had no idea how he had managed to find the song, but the love you felt for him at that time was overwhelming in the best way possible. And you’d secretly started making your own mixtape for him. 

You had a promise ring. A ring that had not fulfilled its promise. You had talked about marriage, about starting a family. But both of you didn’t want to rush things. You loved each other to the moon and back, you didn’t need to sign anything to know that. The ring didn’t promise that. But it promised that you would be together forever. Naively, maybe childishly, both of you had believed that the little ring would protect you from the harshness of the world and not allow anything to come between you. He’d given it to you that time you went to Mcdonald’s on your anniversary - Chan could make any ordinary day romantic so you didn’t need expensive restaurants to commemorate your love. You’d gone to the park, feeding the finches together, and then you’d gone to Mcdonald’s, and as you shared a milkshake and you were feeding him fries, he’d suddenly taken your hand and slid the ring on your finger. You had almost cried back then.

You had the ghost of a boy. You had the sound of his voice and his laugh ringing in the empty rooms and echoing off the walls. You had the shape of his body in between the blankets covering the bed, you almost had leftover warmth of his body. You had the ghost of his smile over your shoulder whenever you dared take a glance in the mirror. You had leftover traces of his perfume in the air. You all of your memories together, enough to fill up your heart to eternity and warm up even the coldest of winters.

But actually, you had only silence you didn’t dare break because it wouldn’t be him. 

You had an empty bed that you didn’t dare sleep in because he would never join you. 

You had piles of clothes thrown around the whole room because you couldn’t make yourself move them. 

You had a pot of cold soggy ramen that you would never eat again because he wouldn’t be there to share it with you.

You had the empty photo frame that you’d never put a photo in because it wouldn’t matter if he wasn’t in that photo with you.

You had a bottle of perfume you didn’t even dare touch because you might accidentally spray some of it but you’d only have the smell and not him.

You had a mixtape on his nightstand that you had finished up too late to be able to show him and now you would never play because he wouldn’t hear it. 

You had a promise ring that had promised you all the time in the world. Except Chan should have been there to share it with you. And now you had the rest of eternity all alone. 

You had only memories of the way Chan would fill up each and every one of your days. You had all of your memories together, enough to make your heart feel empty for eternity and chill down even the hottest of days. 

You had a mirror that showed your pitiful reflection - pale skin and dead, red eyes, you’d lost so much weight you could see your ribs poking through your skin. You desperately needed Chan to hug you and tell you you’re beautiful and that he loves you. But he would never do it again. 

You had nothing.

And in your hand, you had a note. A message he could never receive. A message you could never send.