shelby pursued jason because she thought it was going to be easy. she wanted someone who knew when to keep quiet, someone she knew that she could vibe well with — jason had piqued her interest almost immediately, & her intuition had been right. she enjoyed playing games & fooling around with him. she enjoyed exchanging pointed looks with him at parties, meeting in closets, & feeling like what they had going on was some kind of big, juicy secret, even though it... really wasn’t. everyone in shelby’s sorority knew about her & jason, & the unspoken rule of ‘dibs’ was supposed to keep them safe. however, shelby didn’t feel safe anymore; she felt like she had overshared, like she’d made their no strings attached arrangement into something a lot more complicated than it was supposed to. she felt like she had seriously fucked up, & she isn’t put at ease when jason puts his arm around her, either. since when did he ever initiate touch like this ? ❛ it’s okay. jenn’s coming. ❜ under any other circumstances, shelby would’ve loved to spend some real alone time with jason... but right now ? the idea of that terrifies her. how much of this is genuine, & how much is him just compensating for all of the information that she just dumped on him ? ❛ thank you, though. ❜ she sighs, laying her head down to rest on jason’s shoulder, her eyes shutting. she doesn’t know if she’d be able to find the courage to face jason again after tonight, so for right now, at least, she’ll indulge.

        shelby still fiddles with her fingers, something that had originally started as a way for her to occupy her mind but had obviously turned into a nervous habit of hers. she was nervous — why was she nervous ? jason choi was not someone for her to be nervous around. & yet, here she was... unable to make eye contact, even boozed up out of her mind & all of her inhibitions lowered. she didn’t like feeling nervous, & especially not around him; he was supposed to be a safe space, with no strings attached ! ❛ they already have. ❜ she laughs quietly, bitterly, & then feels around for her phone to text her little that she was ready to go home. she can feel it rising up in her throat — the urge to run. to bid her farewell to jason & then never meet up with him again. she could count on one hand how many of her sisters knew about how crossed her wires were, & yet, she’d just spilled her guts to jason sitting on the curb outside of a bar. it’s enough to make her sick even without alcohol in her system. ❛ i’m okay. thank you. ❜ she’s buzzing, but this time with anxiety & not intoxication. it’s a feeling that she’s familiar with, & she abhors it. she’s now perfectly inclined to sit in silence until her ride shows up. she was on a cocktail of medications, was actively learning about how to treat her own ailments, & yet... her favorite coping mechanism was still shutting down.

        ❛ i know that you were, byeol ! i know that. it was hard for me, too. understand what, though ? what am i supposed to understand ? ❜  he shakes his head at her words, not expecting anything else from her but also not wanting to respond. he’s trying the best that he can to empathize her, no matter how bad she’s been pissing him off lately. he can hear the way that her voice breaks, & he’s fighting back the urge to hold her & tell her that everything was going to be okay. as far as he was concerned, in regards to the two of them... nothing was going to be okay, at least not anytime soon. ❛ and that’s okay ! it’s okay ! but you can’t keep doing it this way ! you don’t have to let anything go, but you can’t treat me like this. i didn’t cheat on you, i didn’t neglect you, i loved you with every fiber of me being. i bought every single one of your albums, voted for you on music shows, did everything that i could to support you way beyond the span of our relationship. i did everything right by you, and now that you’re back, you’re trying to find every reason to blame me or to justify hurting me in the same way that you hurt —- and that’s okay. i understand that much, byeol. you can be confused and conflicted and scared and hurt, but you cannot keep waiting for time to reverse itself and for us to be dumb and in love again. i’m not dumb anymore, and i’m not in love, either. things ended between us for reasons other than ourselves as individuals. that needs to be something that you can live with. ❜

        ❛ hey, c’mon, you knew it was coming ! ❜ he laughs, eyes crinkling at the corners. nina made him happy—- really happy. happier than any other relationship, any other idol, any other person has ever made him feel. he felt gratified, & more than just sexually; he’d finally found someone who could keep up with him intellectually & emotionally... & also sexually. ❛ you’re telling me, baby. i haven’t seen you for the whole day, and now you’re telling me to behave ? it’s cruel. ❜ he tilts his head at her ‘confession’, his hands slipping down around her neck as he smirks. ❛ is he ? i’ll make sure to relay the message, and i’ll also tell him how much you like having hands wrapped around your throat, too. ❜ he gives her a short squeeze for emphasis.

        whipped ? boyfriend ? slow down, angela ! ❛ hey, whoa, ang. boyfriend ? i haven’t even popped the question yet. stop being so eager ! ❜ he’s just kidding, of course, but not really ! he planned things out, so it’s only fair that he takes things all the way himself. his eyes follow her movements, eyebrows quirking up when she reveals what had been instead: a bong, naturally. ❛ we should have high sex. ❜ the words come out before he’s able to realize what’s happening & now, he’s nothing but a stuttering mess. ❛ i mean—- fuck, i didn’t... i mean, we should, but like—- i didn’t mean to say it, y’know ? not out loud. not right now. fuck, i—- uh... let’s just eat. ❜

        shelby retracts her hand, facing forward, feeling like now wasn’t the time to be touching up on jason. they were talking about some serious shit, & she can feel herself sobering up with every passing minute. maybe her buzz is finally wearing off, or maybe she’s willing herself to get sober; she definitely does want to remember this in the morning. ❛ hm. ❜ it doesn’t feel right to not give him a real response, but it also doesn’t feel right to start prying & asking questions. how often does she get jason choi sober, ready & willing to talk about himself ? this was likely a once-in-a-lifetime chance, & she did not want to squander it by being too pushy. ❛ for me... pamelor has left me feeling dehydrated, i think. increased... sex drive. it makes my anxiety bad, too. to the point where my anxiety medication... doesn’t... really work anymore, either. i don’t sleep much nowadays. ❜ she plays with her fingers, fiddling with some of the rings that she had worn to go out that night. they were there to be defensive, more than anything else; the reality of being a girl in the twenty-first century. ❛ i’m sorry, i... i want to talk about you, but not be invasive, so i’m talking about me. is—- is that okay ? is it wrong... for you ? ❜

        ❛ i said that i’d figure it out, right ? you’re surprised, so that’s good ! ❜ addison is beaming, his heart pounding with both excitement & nervousness. he’s sure that angela knows what’s coming; he told her that he wanted to properly ask her to be his girlfriend, even if they definitely hadn’t waited to do... other things, things that some people usually don’t do unless they’re dating. he’d pulled out all of the stops: tacos from angela’s favorite place, bubble tea, a dozen cupcakes that they could eat all of & then regret later, & all while socially distancing & wearing a mask in the stores, too ! ❛ this is cute, right ? it doesn’t exactly fit our—- well, my—- alternative bad boy image, but i’ll let you catch me slip, just for tonight. ❜

        ❛ oh my god, enough about poh. ❜ daeyeol huffs, starting to close in when nina’s phone goes off. he sighs, frustrated, having dealt with plenty of calls today himself—- but then he registers what her ringtone is, & he starts laughing. ❛ seriously, that’s not even my part ! you have your ringtone set to jaehyun’s part. oh my fucking god. is this how sasaengs work ? they get close to one member just to try and get close to the one they actually want ? ❜ he lets out another huff, but then his eyes hood as soon as three beautiful words leave nina’s lips. if nothing else, daeyeol was really good at being a distraction. he cradle’s nina face in both of his hands, leaning down but stopping at her ear instead of his lips, his voice thick & low. ❛ always. how do you want it ? ❜

        ❛ byeol, are you fuckin’ kidding me ? you said you still loved me after five years of not talking to me. you lived your little idol life, did your shit, and then came home and expected everything to be the exact same, huh ? ❜ back when they were younger, teddy would’ve never dreamed of swearing at byeol, but he’s tired of being tested like this. if every single one of his choices was going to be scrutinized, even as their future was still really unclear but they were definitely not together, then he would prefer her to be back in korea. ❛ so i’m in trouble because i waited for you, and i’m also in trouble for not waiting for you. are you listening to yourself ? you sound fuckin’ crazy, byeol, seriously. i don’t love you—- not right now, at least. is that what you need to hear ? you came back into my life and expected more than i was willing to give on day one. don’t fuckin’ turn me into the villain here ‘cause you think everything that i do is with the ulterior motive of involving you. ❜

        ❛ jason ! ❜ she gasps, a little too loud, & so she covers her mouth while she leans in closer. ❛ i don’t—- i literally could not care less about you being ‘fun’ or what the fuck ever. ❜ she turns to look at him, too, her eyebrows knit together in concern. she reaches forward, her hand cupping the side of his face so she can make sure he’s really seeing her in this moment. ❛ i want you to... tell me, okay ? if you—-  if you... feel like you can, tell me. whatever you feel. and you can always, always, always use me as an excuse, even if i’m not actually there. ❜ for the first time that she can think of, shelby actually regrets getting wasted. if she had known jason was feeling this way, even just a little bit, she would’ve stepped in like the ‘friend’ part of ‘friends with benefits’ included. ❛ do you... do you—- fuck. do you take anything for it ? i take... um, i take pamelor. ❜

        ❛ rebounding ? i waited two years, byeol ! are you physically unable to go more than five minutes without foaming at the mouth at the thought of me being happy after our breaking up or something ? ❜ it’s a good thing that there’s an entire street between them, because otherwise, teddy would be back on the yoo’s front lawn, red in the face as he argues with byeol. ❛ was i supposed to stay heartbroken about you for the rest of my life ? i would’ve thought living alone in korea and trainee life would’ve made you a little bit more mature, but obviously not. ❜ when teddy had first seen byeol moving back in, there was a sliver of hope that they’d end up giving their relationship another shot; the way that things were going, however, indicated that that was not the case.

        ❛ did you listen to anything i just said ? you can literally move in with me. spend the night whenever you want, and gradually start moving your stuff over here. i don’t mind at all, baby. ❜ & there he is, back to being sweet ! such duality. his hands drop to her waist, trailing just a little bit lower a few seconds lower. he’s tempted to boost her up & hold her against the nearest wall, but he refrains. it’s cute seeing nina struggle with their massive height difference. ❛ don’t bring my cat into this like he has any real estate in this relationship. ❜

        she laughs quietly at his words, only because she knows they were spoken with intent of humor; in reality, they weren’t very funny. the atmosphere that they’ve been enveloped in isn’t a good one. they’re just two college kids, both sad for their own reasons, sitting on a curb. if they weren’t careful, their picture would be taken & used for some angsty alternative album or wattpad fanfiction. ❛ for... ❜ she trails off, contemplating how to word it well. ❛ for being... like this, when you’re... like that. ❜ she’s afraid to look over at him, though that’s what felt right in the moment, so she just lowers her head & rests her chin atop her knees. ❛ i like to—- to make you feel... good, and i can tell that you don’t... right now. ❜

        ❛ that’s the point, ❜ daeyeol teases, bringing up her to hand to kiss her knuckles once she’s laced their fingers together. he tilts her head as she speaks again, eyebrows knitting together but an amused smile remaining on his face. filthy words paired with a sweet smile was daeyeol’s speciality, as nina would soon enough find out. ❛ baby, we need to have a serious conversation if you actually think my multitasking skills are so bad that i can’t get work done with your hands all over me. i’ll fuck you while writing lyrics, finger you while on zoom, eat you out during a conference call—- i couldn’t care less. ❜

        ❛ high expectations ? ang, you literally kept your starter villagers. you got reneé and yet, you still kept her. your expectations of me can’t be that high. ❜ he gets impossibly closer so that his own lips are just a few millimeters away. ❛ kiss you ? what would i want to do that for ? ❜ it’s a good thing addison is cute. he shuts himself up by finally closing the gap, the kiss heated from the first touch as a result of built-up momentum from their last sessions just ten minutes ago. his eyes have fluttered shut, one hand cupping angela’s jaw while the other one rests on her thigh, his hand slipping down so that his thumb can rub back & forth over the soft skin of her inner thigh.

        shelby could tell that jason wasn’t ‘fine’ before she even asked the question. she had gotten used to his mannerisms by now, knew him well enough to figure things out, even while drunk. as badly as she wants to press, to fix whatever was hurting him, she knew she wouldn’t be able to do that right now, with at least eight shots of vodka in her system, or... maybe even at all. ❛ air... air is good. ❜ she wishes that she’d be able to remember this night in the future, to remember the little things that jason was doing to help her. it was subtle, but still noticeable, & it’s regrettable that she had gotten wasted on a night when so many strange things were happening. she’s out the door first, not bothering to check behind her to see if jason was still there because she just had a feeling he was. she sits herself down on the curb, knees tucked into her chest. ❛ i’m—- i’m... i’m sorry, jason. ❜ she sighs again, a hand reaching up to massage her one of her temples. she was definitely still intoxicated, but she was finally coming down from the adrenaline that had accompanied her to the bar. now, she didn’t even have dim bar lights to hide herself; she was vulnerable, & also really useless at the moment.

        he knows exactly what she’s doing; the pouting, the short responses, the nonchalantness... teddy doesn’t want to entertain any of it. it was okay when they were younger, when they were still teenagers & in high school, but now ? c’mon, byeol. ❛ yes, byeol, they all know about you. i didn’t forget about you. ❜ he’s pretty close to wanting to roll his eyes, but even if she wouldn’t be able to tell from across the street, he knows that she can probably read him just as well as he can her, so he’s doing his best to keep himself in check. what was she even trying to get at here ?