to the moon and to saturn

* Please read if you have time *

This has been a real special kind of hell. My mom and my best friend lost her battle to COVID-19 after a three week battle with the virus and week on a ventilator. She was a completely healthy 53 year old - no preexisting conditions. The only place she went was to work and back; living paycheck to paycheck, she could not afford to quit but took major precautions and still contracted the virus. She was ill for over a week before even being allowed a test, due to the undersupplied resources our country faces without preparedness from the government. I had full faith she would pull through and we’d be hearing all about it on the other side of this pandemic. However, the universe had different plans. She fought harder than anyone I’ve ever seen as the odds continued to rise against her. I ache so badly that we couldn’t have been with her during her last days and that she did not die with us by her side. All of this feels like a weird dystopia and I couldn’t even say goodbye because of the beast this pandemic is. She drove herself to the ER and never came out, like she evaporated into thin air. I’m tired of being physically separated from my family while we grieve and wait to have a memorial. I’m tired of the president putting the economy above human lives and having complete disregard for the impact it’s had on so many like her. I’m tired of the uncharted territory and isolation COVID-19 has brought to humanity. Especially for the endless grieving families out there that have similar questions to mine. All I have is a selfie my mom took of herself in the ER.

I know that we have a long journey ahead, this pandemic is far from over. I know people are tired of being cooped up at home, but for the sake of your loved ones and others please remain vigilant. A trip to Target or a college party is not worth this pain. This is very real, despite what the media says. My mom was completely healthy. Nobody is immune to the power of this virus. I know we all cannot wait for the day things go back to “normal”, but for some it never will. This virus has taken my world. I pray for the doctors and nurses who will continue to fight this battle head on and have to deliver calls not unlike the one I received that morning. All I can hope is that she did not feel alone in her last week and knew I would have done anything to be with her in those last moments.

I suppose I’m putting this on online, as many other lonely souls do, to feel for a moment that I am far from the only one going through this. This is such an isolating time for everyone. Grief just complicates things. Taylor Swift and finally joining this fandom is the only thing keeping my feet moving. This year my mom and I would be going to Loverfest together, instead I am going up to Boston once it’s safe to spread her ashes in her hometown.

In her absence, I am struggling with funeral expenses and attorney fees as she did not have a will. I am also trying to use my frustration with the country’s pandemic response to share her story and use funds from this campaign to help the struggling teenage girls she counseled. Anything helps. Even a share. 

@taylorswift @taylornation @tsnoticetheseposts​ 

And I hate to make this all about me

But who am I supposed to talk to?

FEARLESS

Taylor’s Version

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭💛💛