The 20 Commandments to Healing and Letting Go
For over a decade I`ve been lost and in pain. I`ve struggled like I never expected myself to struggle. I`ve slept on floors, endured separation from my family for months at a time, I've sent out countless resumes never to hear back from those jobs. I`ve lied awake at night wondering how I would feed my family, pay the rent or even retain my dignity as a man. It`s been painful, It`s been hell. And based on conversations I`ve had with clients and friends, I`ve discovered I am not the only one suffering like this.
I started hating the person I was becoming. I felt cursed and condemned to always suffer. Holding onto past misfortune and pain was preventing me from healing and letting go. I was transfixed on what I didn't have and couldn't see what I had, what I had overcome and what blessings were in my life.
If you are in that dark place where everything seems hopeless you need to let go. You need to release the poison and pain so you can begin healing. When you are successful in releasing that pain and hurt there will be a feeling of emptiness in your soul, don't be afraid of that void. . Embrace it. You have just become an empty vessel and you are allowed to add happiness and peace. But you can't add happiness and peace if you are overflowing with pain, hurt, anger, resentment, poison, jealousy, envy or any other negative emotion.
I've been there. I was afraid of letting that hurt go. I was afraid of what would happen to me. I feared the void which I knew it would create. But I did, I was successful in letting go of my pain, leaving my past behind me and embracing what I`ve and am today.
If I can do you, you can absolutely do it. You owe it to yourself, you deserve to let go of your past hurts and pains. I didn't have a roadmap, I just did it. There was a lot of trial and error, too many fights to count and I ended up hurting some people close to me. I would save you from those mistakes. Here are my 20 commandments, my process, for letting go of that pain, releasing that poison and creating a foundation for a happy, fulfilled life.
Laugh: There is incredible healing power in laughter. When we laugh we reduce stress hormones and release endorphins that alter our moods in a positive way. Laughing helps us release anger and rage and provides us with an overall sense of calm and harmony. So, laugh, find something that makes you crack up, something stupid, something offbeat, something that will make you break out in uncontrollable laughter and let it cleanse you of your anger and frustration. If you don't believe me, try it. Find a copy of   Super Troopers and watch it. See if you feel better after watching it than before. Laughter is the greatest natural mood enhancer around. Laugh often, laugh out loud, laugh at yourself. Give yourself to feeling great and laugh.
Don't compare yourself to anyone else: We are all original and unique. Â Â We have no idea what battles everyone else is facing. They might appear to be doing better than us, but only they know what is happening behind closed doors. Their lives might seem great, but it could only be an illusion. Don't worry about what others are doing. Focus on yourself and I Â Â promise, everything else will take care of itself. Remember what you have overcome. You have done this based on your own unique strengths and willpower. That person you are envying, they might have crumbled and been destroyed when faced with your problems. Don't sell yourself short by envying someone else. The only person you should compare yourself with is you. Are you better, stronger, happier, more fulfilled today than yesterday?
Stay off social media: Building off of ânot comparing yourself to othersâ, there is no experience worse served for this than social media. Take a break from facebooktwitterinstagramlinkedinpinterestsnapchat. It is not going to make your life better, it will only make you feel worse. Take a break, shut it down for a week while you get healthy. You won't miss the Farmville invitations, flashes of imaginary lives, political rage and memes, ok, Â Â maybe you will miss the memes but still. Studies are already proving that prolonged use of social media leads to depression and insecurity. Do you really want to experience that while trying to let go of past pains? Ya, I Â Â didnât think so. So let it go. Read a book, take a walk, talk to someone in real life, watch a sunrise/sunset. The shift will make you feel better.
Forgive others: Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts given to us by God. Even if you don't believe in God, embrace the power of forgiveness. Remember, we are not perfect, and neither is anyone else. Â Â There are people that have hurt you, forgive them. Forgive them for the pain and suffering they have caused. Do it for yourself if you can't do it for them. Forgiveness allows us to be in peace. Seeking revenge, even if only in our thoughts hurts us emotionally. Donât go down that road. Â Â Forgiveness takes strength. And if you don't think you can, you are wrong. Â Â I did. I`ve been lied to, betrayed, stabbed in the back (figuratively), Â Â almost kidnapped and assaulted by 4 guys on motorcycles. I`ve forgiven all of them. I`ve forgiven every single person who has caused me pain in my life. The result, a huge weight was lifted of my shoulders. I immediately felt better about who I was. I encourage you to do this. Forgive all who have hurt you.
Forgive yourself: Yes, forgive yourself. You have made mistakes, some might have been horrific. Your actions might be inexcusable. But if you are willing to redeem yourself, show true repentance and be accountable for your actions then God will forgive you. Therefore, you should be willing to forgive yourself. We are not perfect. We all act out of rage at times. We also experience a level of remorse for those actions. Own up to it, apologies and then forgive yourself. You will find inner peace through self-forgiveness.
Trust that you are stronger, braver, smarter and have more ability than you realize: Â Â Yes, you are! You might not think it, you might not feel it but damn it, Â Â you are powerful. You were born to be strong, to be triumphant. It doesn't matter where you are coming from. You would not have made it this far if you did not have the warriorâs strength. It might be undeveloped, it might have atrophied but it is there. You have greater wisdom, intelligence, and desire than you realize. As you release your pain and hurt, get in touch with this strength. This is the true you, the powerful being that God created to achieve amazing things.
Cry: Yes, cry! Let it out. Crying offers incredible cleansing and healing power. I realize there is a bit of irony in listing crying right after strength, Â Â but it is only weak people who are afraid to cry. This does not mean cry daily, it does not mean to cry whenever something doesnât go your way. NO! Â Â Crying should be done in private, not in public. No one wants to see someone completely lose control. It diminishes the respect people have for you if you cry too often or over trivial things. Find the right times, Â Â ideally alone or with people you deeply trust and cry. Crying cleanses your soul and your mind. It releases emotions you are not even aware of and helps you relieve stress toxins and calm yourself down. I cry from time to time and have found that I feel better and get a great night sleep because of it. Again, not all the time, remember that internal strength but cry.
Create your safe space: I am not using safe spaces in the more commonly accepted way. I do not refer to snowflakes afraid of word triggers and people who disagree with them. When I talk about a safe place I mean a place where you can let it all out. Where there is no judgment and ideally no one to hurt. A place you can yell, scream, throw things and yes, even cry. A place where there is no one to judge your actions and you can be the most honest, raw version of you. When you suffer or are in pain and need to let go, head to your safe space and get it out.
Accept that you are starting over: Yes, if you are like me (and   I hope you did not fall as far) then you are starting over. Yes, it sucks when that realization hits you, but you can't ignore or deny it. You must start over. The trip might be hard, it might be long but it wonât begin if you are still anchored in the past or resisting your reality. Starting over is hard on the ego, Iâm 44 and I`ve 4 kids. Start over sucks. But believe me, as someone who lost everything and has struggled to rebuild,   it is a hell of a lot better than standing pat.
Remove   âcanât from your vocabulary: We are all born to be exceptional, I believe that from the bottom of my heart. Yet we continuously erect barriers to our success and happiness by saying we   âcanâtâ. We are removing opportunities from our lives because we have convinced ourselves that our dreams are not possible. We canât achieve them. What is sadly funny is that it takes just as much effort to convince ourselves we can't as it does to convince ourselves we can. Remove that damn word out of your vocabulary. Start convincing yourself that you CAN achieve your goals, you can heal, you can let go of the pain, you can take that first step. Â
Yes! It is possible: People have come from nothing to become incredibly successful. People have endured greater pain, abuse, and humiliation than we could even imagine. Yet they have forgiven, they have moved on and let go. If they can, why the hell can't you? Its either because you like having the victim mentality, and if you do I can't help you, or you don't believe you can. It is possible to overcome. It is possible to heal. Trust yourself, trust your instinct to heal and move forward with your life rather than clinging to the past and using it as an excuse not to do anything new. It is possible to heal and change. It is possible to overcome. Embrace your inner warrior, the one who is fearless and strong. The ideal image that you have of yourself. Let that warrior be your guide. They would not quit, they are not afraid. If you can imagine your warrior, you can become your warrior.
Embrace the power of visualization: Visualization is power, Â Â visualization creates reality. If you can see yourself as a success, I Â Â mean really see yourself as a success, and believe it deep down, then that is what you will become. However, visualization also works in reverse. If you see yourself as powerless, as a victim, as having no control over your life, then your life will manifest that reality as well. Embrace the power of positive visualization. Close your eyes, let your subconscious be your guide and visualize the greatest, strongest, most powerful you that you can imagine. The you that does have control, the you that is not a victim, Â Â the you that does have the power to determine your path. Every day, Â Â morning and night, when you are alone when you are lost in thought. Â Â Instead of daydreaming or focusing on fantasy football picks, visualize transforming into Super-you and becoming the person you wished you could be.
Don't be afraid of the work and sacrifice: Yes, letting go, changing,   embracing the new you is going to take work. If it was easy you would n`t need me, and you would not be reading this article. It takes focus and a   willingness to do something new. It also takes sacrifice when you are struggling, feeling frustrated and know that it is easier to fall back into old routines. Don't be afraid of this, that pain you are feeling is growth and development. It means you are getting closer to success but your body, mind, and emotions are not used to it, so you panic. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you will be victorious.
Your goal is to move forward: It does not matter if you move forward an inch or a mile a day. Just. Move. Forward. Progress is internal and remember, no one other than you knows what obstacles you face. Don't retreat, don't stand still, move forward, forget about the pace.
Drop your baggage: YES! Your journey is easier without that garbage. And it is garbage. You don't need it. Let it go. You will feel emotionally lighter, more positive and happier. You choose to carry your baggage,   generally out of guilt but once you realize you were never meant to be perfect, once you can forgive yourself and others, you donât need that baggage. Let it fall and walk away. Don't look back, look forward with a   smile.
Itâs only failure if you don't learn from it: Unless you are skydiving failure is not going to be fatal. It is merely a learning opportunity. The most successful men and women throughout history have failed greatly. Your failures are no worse than theirs. Shift your thinking about failure from a negative to a growing experience. It is only cowards and fools who fear failure.
Rejoice at the opportunity to create a new you: Yes, a new you. The person you were born to be, the person you dream of being. As you let go of your pain, you open new and incredible opportunities to become all you are capable of being. There are not certain people pre-determined for success, only people willing to take the chances and make the sacrifices others are not. Become the new you, self-discovery is exciting and provides you the opportunity to reinvent who you are. Embrace this.
Develop an empowerment mantra: Stuart Smalley killed the empowerment mantra with his âI'm good enough, smart enough and doggone it, Â Â people like meâ BS. As much as I believe in self-empowerment I still laugh at that. But let's get over it. Develop a mantra that you can say daily that helps you visualize the person you want to become or the change you want to make. I do this daily, a reminder is set on my calendar. I recite it multiple times a day. Every time putting more emotion and conviction into it. Develop your own, something that will capture what you feel. Mine is âI am the Phoenix rising. I am the Phoenix resurrected from the ashes.â Â Â The more I say it, the more I believe it. The more I want it. The more I Â Â live it. Create your own and let it be your power.
Remove toxic people from your life: This is hard, among the hardest things you will do but it is vitally necessary. You must remove those toxic influences from your life. Those social vampires who drain your energy being too clingy and needy. Those overwhelmingly negative people who always have a problem. Those victim mentalities who are always mid-crisis. Those negative attitudes and emotions become their realities and they will suck you in and destroy you if given the chance. They don't want you happy, they don't want to see you as an inspiration. They want to pull you down to their level and share their suffering with you. Break free of them. Block them on social media, limit your exposure to them, Â Â know when they start going down their dark pathways and excuse yourself. Â Â You do not have to be there for them. If they don't care enough about you to support your efforts to better yourself, you do not owe them your time and energy. Remove them as much from your life as possible.
You deserve to heal: You do, you deserve to allow yourself to find happiness and fulfillment. You deserve to let go of your past and embrace your present. You deserve to have every opportunity to create a beautiful future. But you must be willing to allow yourself to do this. It won't be done for you. No one will give it to you. It is completely up to you to allow it or not. No matter what anyone tells you, you do deserve to give yourself this chance, this blessing of forgiveness and healing. Trust that.
Holding onto your past will affect your future and your present. You might be in a shitty situation, you might feel like everything is stacked against you. I know, I've been there. I overcame it, I put in the work, made the mistakes, wanted to give up and just feel sorry for myself. But I couldn't. I was not willing to fail, to quit or become less than the man I am fully capable of being. I want this for you to. Become your own Phoenix, light your own path and refuse to accept what other people label you as. You can transform and become your own Superhero. But you must be willing to let go of your past, allow yourself to heal and embrace all that makes you special and unique.
Stay strong and God Bless!
