A dream journal

Mood check: Ticklish!

I am not better! Worth mentioning I have been paranoid and delusional, overthinking i am going to die someday, and i really don't want that- but i have been slowly forgetting about that fact in order to live.

Now I have this weird... Tickling feeling, in my gut, i felt it on the cinema, it's like i want something and i don't know what that could be.... I have some weird takes but... It can't be... I am confused, it's not hunger it's not happiness it's almost like anxiety but i am not feeling stressed or "bad" i am just uneasy and it's sort of ticklish. Like that sort of mixed nervous, scared but excited feeling you have when the ride at the amusement park is about to start??

My best guess it's -god it sounds stupid as fuck- I'm horny?? Not horny horny- just. How do I even put it in words.

I read somewhere some ace people still have sexual- uh desires? Because that's how the body reacts to hormones?? I think the reason i am feeling weird is i am having this weird impulse my brain doesn't understands as sexual desire, and i don't have a partner so it's not like i have someone to direct these feelings to. I can't look at a random person and say "Oh! They're hot, I'd fuck them!" So i wouldn't jerk off to anything either! I'm just... Uneasy.... Hate to say it, unsatisfied.

So it's sort of a mix?!

I usually have stressful nightmares, not that... I mean, all of them should be stressful by default, right? But i mean it's usually always about doing a task that is always unsuccessful or its simply too much! (Ex, trying to close all windows in a house) My nightmares also revolve a lot on unrealistic fears? Aliens? Monsters, Dinosaurs and stuff that aren't real... Well I don't know about Aliens! Still, the ones that shake me to my bones have to do with real scenarios haha.

Anyways as normal i don't remember how it started, but i was in my old house which is bad enough already, I don't remember why i was trying to accommodate my old room, i think there was someone with me (a child) And i was already stressed bc of reasons, something was coming, and i was really eager to close the window and the other things, but i couldn't do it fast enough, then i remember i had to prepare myself because he was coming, and i think i grabbed a knife, a small one but one with those sharp teeth and not the smooth ones! Then at some point he finally came in, but i wasn't scared i was actually angry.

He was so relaxed tried to do something i don't remember what exactly, he thought i wasn't going to fight back but I grabbed his hand tightly, slowly cutting along his thumb with my knife. And just recalling it, and the way he screamed in pain and shock is making me so happy, he seemed to find that really painful, i don't remember the details of what happened next, but i think my mom was able to hold him down while i kept cutting or something.

It was a nice dream, i got some satisfaction, just from recalling all the times i wanted to hurt him.

I feel numb, lonely and stuck

Numb because i chose to be like this, this way i wouldn't get so worked up for all the things that happen at home, i choose to shut down any feelings because i was so tired of this, but it's still shit

Lonely because yeah, i have also decided to isolate myself from them, i can run away in my own head and shut everything else down, all i do is sit on my room to draw all day, but i can't think of a single thing to draw.

I had a lot of nightmares last night, my wrist was hurting like hell and i kept waking up from pain and falling asleep to nightmares again and again, really long ones, but it's okay i wasn't actually scared of those even when the themes were disgusting.

I was on my old house, with my lil bro he was so small as he used to be when we lived there, i think i was small too... The house was empty, we had to get in and out quickly to get something, i don't remember what, and because there was something in the backyard, and the thing that disturbs me the most as of right now is the fact that that fucking thing was coming from my beloved cat's grave, it wasn't letting us out and i locked myself and my lil bro inside the house and expected for the longest time for that thing to try and get inside but it didn't, it was just there not letting us out. At some point i was able to get my lil bro out of the house but things started to change and i was thrown on a second dream, it was something like zombies but the people weren't actually acting like zombies, it was as if something tried to catch me using their bodies, they had blank stares and their mouths were drooling but the bodies moved slowly, i met some people i've never seen irl but i think they knew me, we spent hours and hours running away from the other people, it was night time, we were on a car driving not sure where to go or what to do but to just get away. We got to like a weird park and there was this weird big red metal structure we climbed it and we heard kids laughing... Ngl that was scary, there were actual children there and they seemed normal unlike all the other zombie like people, and it was really late at night so what where they doing there ugh..

Last night i dreamed of my dad.

As of today, I haven't seen him in almost a year since i first met him, after 19 years.

Place: I was in a house, it wasn't mine, at least not now, it wasn't one i have ever seen, and it was big.

The first thing I remember is opening the big front door of my big house, i think i was happy there, maybe there was a party going on, and he was there along a young boy, looked like a teenager. I was shocked and upset to see him there, it’s been so long? I didn’t said anything though, His son looked pissed at me as i just kinda ignored them, what was i suppossed to say anyways? i donkt know, next thing i remember is that at some point the boy chased me and told me how could i be like that? ignoring he came all the way here, and after all he’s done for me and that he’s my dad, like i would give a fuck, i remember i started crying and crying, i cried so fucking much that night while my dad just kept his dummy expression on his face and scolded his son saying him "I was a kind person since i forgave him already and that wasn't a thing anyone would do" which is a real thing he told me, at that point i knew i was in a dream, i cried more, because he doesn't know me, he doesn't know the way i cry when i am so angry, i haven't forgiven him and maybe i will never, the only thing I have been kind for is for not telling him a piece of my mind, hes so weak and pathetic i would end up tearing him up once and for all and so even on my dream i bit my tongue and kept crying, because i was so mad.