Heart n' Soul

“I thought we were playing shoji.”

“In one of the letters, she wrote about you going to visit her. Did she mention that to you?”

“Yeah, but I won’t.”

“Why?”

“Why would I? She’s the one who left. If she wants to see me so bad she’ll come here.”

That was an excellent point. Shikamaru should have been happy with the answer and left it at that, but there was something about his sons expression that still worried him. Something dark.

“I don’t think it’s a bad idea.”

“Why do you have an opinion all of a sudden?”

“Because she’s your mother like it or not.”

“That shouldn’t define anything. Why do you care now?”

“I’ve always cared.”

“You had a funny way of showing it.”

“I know and I’m sorry-“

“You didn’t talk to me for months.”

Shikamaru, who was focused on stopping his opponents aggressive attacks towards his king, looked up. It was like seeing his son in a whole new light. He looked older, but not in a good way. Not mature,but weary or distrusting. A look a kid shouldn’t have in these days. Maybe it was his fault, adding unnecessary stress to a young boys life would do that. Distrusting and blaming him would do that too.

Shikadai looked right at him, not flinching or breaking eye contact. He needed to let this out, and as his father, Shikamaru had to listen.

“It was like I was ghost or something. You wouldn’t speak to me, wouldn’t look at me. You’re doing it now, finding any excuse to not meet my eyes.

‘One night, I went looking for you. I read moms first letter and I wanted to talk. I found you passed out in the bath tub.”

Shikamaru flinched, trying not to break eye contact. He didn’t remember that.

“I think I understand just a little. I look like her and you probably unintentionally blame me. I blamed you too honestly. But then I got to thinking. I don’t blame you for her leaving. I blame you for leaving me.

‘At least she’s honest, at least she didn’t hide it so poorly so as to try to quell her own demons. At least she talks to me.”

“Son, I’m sorry. I was in a bad place and I know that doesn’t make it right but-“

“We could’ve gone through it together. Even when you started to talk to people for some reason I wasn’t included. Whatever. It’s a drag to dwell on it.”

They played in silence for a while. Shikamaru processed this, just as he had processed the news his mother had told him. He was always cool and calculating. There was never a problem he couldn’t solve with a little thinking. Sorry wouldn’t work, he knew this now, and all his son wanted was someone to talk to, to rely on. Though Shikamaru had a problem with this, reasons unknown even to him, he was going to try.

After Shikadai captured the last general and was closer to check mate then he’s ever been with his dad, Shikamaru took out the letter he stashed under the table. It was the one where Tamari asked for Shikadai to live with her. He unfolded it very deliberately so his son would notice. When he did his expression changed from indifferent and hostile to confused and maybe scared? Shikamaru couldn’t tell any more. He cleared his throat for dramatic effect and began reading;

‘.and so I was thinking of bringing Shikadai up soon. I asked him in his letter but I haven’t gotten a response. Could you bring it up to him? He’d love it here, it’s gotten so big and modern and Garra thinks he can make it so he can be indicted in the out reach Sunagakure ninja program so that way when he comes to live with me he will already be used to how they do things here. I know I said that he belongs in Konha but he needs his mother. You don’t know anything about maintaining the house or cooking and that’s what a growing boy needs...’

“Stop!” Shikadai exclaimed. “What are you trying to do? What’s the purpose of this?”

Shikamaru folded the letter again, slightly ashamed for doing that. “She’s right. I hate to admit it, I really do and you should know that, but she is. You said it yourself. I’m not cut out to raise a kid by myself. I ignored my only son for months. A dad can’t do that.” He was talking more to himself, finally admitting out loud what he knew was true from the beginning.

‘You should’ve gone with her in the first place. She raised you, she knows you more than I do.”

“That doesn’t matter! Are you really talking about sending me away? Without asking me what I want?” Shikadai’s voice was higher, cracking and breaking with anxiety lacing through each word.

Shikamaru’s chest tightened seeing his usually composed son unraveling right in front of him. “I know what you want, but that doesn’t mean it’s what you need. Sometimes you can’t have both. As your dad and with your mothers say so, this is the best option I can think of-“

“Bullshit! You haven’t thought of me at all! You want to get rid of me so I don’t remind you of her! You don’t care about my needs! What a load of bullshit! Well I’m not going. You can’t make me. I have a life here, I’m a shinobe for Konha not Suna.”

“You’re also underage. I know you think it’s unfair but one day you’ll understand-“

“I already do. You blame me. I’m starting to think you didn’t even want me. That I was an accident you had to own up to because of your dad or some-“

Shikamaru didn’t wait for him to finish. He slapped his son across the face with enough force to send him toppling out of his chair. Shikadai stared at his dad with intense hate and tears, but shikamaru didn’t see it. The fire within him overflowed and burst, causing him to only see the flames.

“Don’t you ever, EVER, say i didn’t want you. I don’t regret you, you’re my son for crying out loud! My only son! You don’t think this is hard for me too? Huh? That I’m not dying thinking about sending you to live with her? What man admits out loud that he can’t raise his kid? Don’t you get it Shikadai? I’m broken. I don’t want you to watch me be broken. I don’t want you to suffer because of me!”

His son didn’t say anything but the hate stayed in his eyes. Shikamaru sighed and sat back down, letting his head fall to the table with a thud. There was nothing more to say.

After a minute or two, Shikadai got up off the floor, his eyes red and his chest heaving. In one swoop of his arm he knocked the shoji board and the snacks off the table. Shikamaru wasn’t fazed. He propped his chin up and stared at the mess that was his son.

:/ finally new content! Don’t be shy and comment, repost, etc!:/

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Month 5

The table was now letter free. He hadn’t read them all yet but he stacked them nice and neat and moved them to his bed room. Instead, the table was set up for a shogi tournament. His nicest set laid out with all the pieces polished and shinning. He had candles lit for mood effect and snacks in bowls for the long game ahead.

Excitement coursed through him. It had been awhile since he played a legit game and with his son too. He was sure he’d still win but that wasn’t the point. No, the point was to get back into his sons life. Make sure his head and heart were still here in the village and not pining after his mother. So he waited until Shikadai came home.

Two hours later and still no sign of him. He might be with Boruto, or still on a mission. Because we wasn’t with the Hokage he didn’t know what missions his son was taking on. He was getting closer to the chunin exams so more dangerous missions might be handed out. Though they were in an era of peace, there was still turmoil in other parts of the region. He hoped Shikadai was okay. He hoped he’d hurry up.

Another hour passed. Shikamaru was lying on the sofa, reading the paper, keeping up to date with the going-ons, getting more aggravated at his sons lateness. Maybe he should call. As that thought crossed his mind, the door opened.

“Shikadai?” He called out, getting up.

He rounded the corner, with Boruto in tow behind.

“Where have you been?”

Shikadai looked surprised at his dad. “Out. What does it matter?”

“We were in line for the newest game, Uncle Shikamaru.” Boruto clarified.

Shikamaru started to get annoyed with his sons attitude. “Well it’s late and I’ve been waiting for you.”

His son shrugged. “It’s not that late. You’ve never cared before, so if we’re done here Boruto and I have a game to beat.”

He started to walk away, Boruto standing there awkwardly. He could feel the tension.

Shikamaru grabbed his sons arm. “Oh no you’re not. We need to talk. Sorry Boruto, another time.”

“What are you talking about? We’ve been waiting for this game for months!”

“It’s ok Shikadai. Maybe tomorrow.” Boruto turned to leave faster than he entered. “See you later!” He called before the front door closed.

The two stared at each other, a challenge of wills. Their relationship really was non existent, even strained. They had always been close before. He remembered feeling proud that Shikadai didn’t despise him like Boruto showed to his own father. He didn’t feel so proud at that point. He felt a little sick at the way his only son looked at him. Like he was the one who should’ve left. Still, they needed to get past it.

“Follow me,” he directed Shikadai.

He lead him to the shogi set up. Shikadai just stared at it.

“What is this?”

“It’s a shogi board.”

“Wow, could you be anymore obvious?”

His tone stung a little but also feathered the fire that was growing within Shikamaru. He didn’t answer but sat down on his side, waiting for Shikadai to do the same.

“Yeah, I’m not really in the mood. Thanks though.”

“Sit. Down. Now.” Shikamarus voice surprised even him.

Shikadai hesitated, not wanting to give in. His hardheadedness came from Temari and right then, he looked like her too.

Finally he gave in after realizing it was a lost cause. He slumped down into his chair, crossing his arms.

“I’ll go first then,” Shikamaru moved a pawn one space up.

Shikadai didn’t talk and it took him a minute to move, but he copied his father and moved a pawn.

This went on for ten minutes. Shikamaru would move and then Shikadai would copy until all was left were the bishops, the rooks the Kings and one of their golden generals.

While shikamaru contemplated where to move his rook Shikadai broke the on going silence.

“Where are the letters? Did you finally throw them out?”

“Hm? Oh, no. They’re in my room. I’m still reading them.” Shikamaru moved one of his rooks in front of one of his sons bishops, blocking that piece from moving closer to his king. He was satisfied he still had a knack for the game.

“You’re reading them? Why? It’s just nonsense anyways.” Shikadai moved the blocked bishop diagonally into Shikamarus open promotion zone.

Shikamaru scratched his chin. “Huh. Didn’t see that.” He flipped the bishop over and took a minute to calculate his next move.

“I mean it doesn’t change anything. Reading them I mean. You should’ve just tossed them.”

“I need to read them to go back to work.” He stated, still looking at the board. “Have you read any?”

There was a pause. Shikamaru decided to go on defense and moved his rook back to his king.

“I’ve read them all.”

He looked at his son while he moved his promoted bishop closer to the king.

“And?”

He shrugged. “And what? I said it was nonsense.”

“But what did she say?”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s not meant for you.”

“Shikadai-“

“It’s your move.”

Shikamaru sighed and moved his own bishop and took out a general. He immediately dropped it next to his other generals protecting the king.

For the few who read my on going au, After the Fact, I’m working on it I swear. I’ve been researching shogi and trying to make this next chapter as beautiful as the game.

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After he dropped his mother back at her house, he raced home and slumped down at the table. He grabbed the first envelope he saw, tore it open, and paused.

His heart pounded. His breathing came out fast and hot. His eyes were still stinging from crying. No turning back now.

He unfolded the paper and started to read:

‘Dear Shikamaru,

Still no answer. I guess I deserve that. You’re being a real ass about this though, I hope you know. I simple letter saying you’re ok will be just fine. Or a phone call. But your stubbornness is in the way again, I can tell. We have things to talk about. Can’t ignore them. Write back.’

That was it. He didn’t know why but he laughed. That was it? Why was he so scared again? She sounded just like herself, as if she said those words directly into his ear. She was the same. Still the naggy, bitchy Temari. He laughed again and grabbed another one.

‘Dear Shikamaru,

It’s been three months now and still nothing. From either of you. I hope you’re giving my son his letters. Don’t you dare hide them from him, he deserves to know my side too. I miss him. It’s hard for me to admit but I miss you too. I got the box of my stuff. Thank you. Still need to talk.’

That one stung a little. He folded it again and touched it to his forehead. He missed her too. He wanted to tell her everything his mother just showed him, but it wouldn’t make a difference. It won’t bring her home. He was about to pick another one up but he stopped. With the two he opened there were sixteen. She wrote once a week for four months. He felt a little bad for taking this long to get to them, but not too bad to finish them in one night. It could be one a day thing. So he stretched, yawned, and got up, tucking the letter he folded in his pocket and throwing out the other.

He read two more the following night. They were the first letters she wrote and they were long. So long, he lost focus and started day dreaming while reading. It wasn’t that it was boring, just mundane. She told him how adjusting back to the desert was tough, how everyone kept their distance from her, how her brothers were very supportive and how eventually she reintroduced herself to shinobe training. Blah blah blah. There was a bit in the second letter that made him alert.

‘.....and so I was thinking of bringing Shikadai up soon. I asked him in his letter but I haven’t gotten a response. Could you bring it up to him? He’d love it here, it’s gotten so big and modern and Garra thinks he can make it so he can be indicted in the out reach Sunagakure ninja program so that way when he comes to live with me...’

Live with her?? Did he read that right? He reread that line two more times before continuing.

‘...I know I said that he belongs in Konha but he needs his mother. You don’t know anything about maintaining the house or cooking and that’s what a growing boy needs...’

How dare she! He got up and started pacing. The nerve of that woman. Accusing him of not knowing how to take care of the house, of his son! He’s a man damnit! If she was so concerned then she shouldn’t have left. She shouldn’t have run away from both of them to make her life better, easier.

He didn’t know if Shikadai responded. According to her newer letters he had not. It was about time to talk to him. He fixed the house, fixed the meals, fixed his drinking, and now he’s ready to fix his relationship with his son.

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He visited the table once a night. Sometimes with a bottle, sometimes he’d set up his shoji board thinking it’d clear his head enough to dive into the world of pain. It usually just distracted him enough to forget the letters and strengthen his strategies.

His feelings on everything started to diminish. He didn’t think about her as much, didn’t spend his nights wondering what she was up to. Instead he perfected cooking, really made his house his own, and spent time with his mother who enjoyed that immensely.

It was one of these days with his mom that he learned they were more a like then realized. They were walking in her garden, her arm woven with his, taking her time to smell the fresh roses. He let her without the impatience he used to show. He enjoyed her enjoying herself. It was peaceful.

She led him to a bench under a plum tree. They sat and she leaned her head on his shoulder. She smelt of soil and deer. Like his dad. Her graying hairs danced in the wind.

“How’s Shikadai?” She asked.

He shrugged.

“He is a ninja now. Always busy. Just like you used to be.”

He shrugged again.

“I want to tell you something, Shikamaru. Something from the past that I think will help you.”

He waited.

“I’m not your fathers first wife.”

“What?” He turned his head to look at her, made sure he heard right.

She nodded, a small smile playing on her lips. “Oh yes. There was another Mrs. Nara. They married young when it was acceptable to do so. You see, back then the world was always fighting. Dying young was normal so clans forced their children to marry when they weren’t ready to ensure the blood line. That’s what happened with your father.”

He shook his. “How come this is the first I’m hearing this?”

“Why would we say anything? It was the past. They were married for two years. The Nara clan was fading fast and your father was the strongest amongst them. They thought he’d father strong children with his wife who was also strong.” She closed her eyes tight as if what she said next happened to her. “She became pregnant within the first four months. Oh the elders were thrilled especially because it was predicted to be a boy. But that was not the case. She had this condition that they couldn’t have known about. When she gave birth, there was no life in the baby. Before he even took his first breath he was already dead.”

“Mom, it’s ok, you don’t have to tell me this.”

“No, I do. There’s a point. Come with me for a second.”

She struggled to get up so he helped her. She led him past the garden and into the woods surrounding her compound. They walked for maybe a few meters before she turned away from the path and into the unmarked forest. She walked without hesitation, knowing by memory where to go. He had trouble not tripping over an uprooted root or a fallen log. His mother kept him steady.

Finally they came upon a clearing where sticks stuck up right and three piles of rocks laid side by side. Unmarked graves. Shikamaru left his mothers side and walked up to the small piles.

“They tried again. Twice.” His mothers voice was small behind him. “The same thing happened. The clan was furious, your father was devastated and his wife was broken. After the third she disappeared. Not a trace. I’d like to think I was the only woman he actually loved.” She chuckled to herself. “I’d catch him here some nights. Just staring. That’s when I knew he loved her very much and that everything that happened left him a different man.”

“Why?” Shikamaru looked over his shoulder. “Why did you tell me this? What does it matter?”

She slowly made her way to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, leaning her head on his back.

“Because it’s ok. It’s ok to still be sad. It’s ok to be in pain. You’re hurt, and don’t try to deny it. You don’t have to act strong with me Shika. I’m your mother and if I could help your strong willed father through a more painful past then I can help you too. I love you son.”

He stared at the graves of his dead siblings, head swirling with all this information. His father had never said anything about this. He never knew he could’ve been a big brother, or not be born at all.

A lump formed in his throat. Tears sprang to his eyes and he let them fall. His mother hugged him tighter as he cried for the first time in a long time.

“I didn’t show you this to make it hurt more. I’m telling you that you deserve happiness and it will come. You are your fathers blessing. A white rose. Yours will show up soon. You, Temari, and your son all will be happy again. Just give it time.”

They stood there for awhile. He cried and she held on, the ghosts of the past watching over them.

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Month 4.

The letters were collecting dust. Shikamaru still hadn’t been back to work. For reasons unknown, the Hokage had instructed him to read them and then he can come back. Such an odd request. Ino thought it was because it was a type of closure.

“It’s like a ghost in your place. Once you read those letters it’s like dismissing the Apparation.” She had said while chewing on a cooked steak.

“I don’t believe in ghosts.” Shikamaru stated .

“Yeah but Naruto does.” Choji pipped in. “And he’s your boss so technically you do too. Oi, Ino, save the rest of the steak!”

“You’ve had enough Choji. Don’t want to leave Cho-Cho fatherless. Now Shika, you don’t have to read them. I can and tell you what she said. I can water it down for you.”

“Water it down?”

“You know how bartenders water down alcohol if the person has drank too much?” Choji tipped his glass of beer Shikamarus way.

He nodded but didn’t accept the offer. What kind of man lets another woman read letters from his wife. No, it was his task alone.

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He sat at the table, staring at the unopened envelopes as if they’d sprout mouths and tell him what the contents said. That’d be a lot easier. He took a swig of the sake bottle in his hand. He dropped drinking a while ago but he’s not that embarrassed to admit he wasn’t strong enough to be sober at that time.

They were just words, not even spoken words. They couldn’t hurt him, but he still felt everything she said to him like they were fresh stab wounds.

“I want to leave.”

But why? Why were you so unhappy and didn’t voice it?

“I’ve tried remember? You didn’t want to hear it.”

Not like that helped any. He thought she was nagging him about working again when they had made an agreement before Shikadai was born. Sorry he kept promises. Sorry he couldn’t read between the lines like a psychic. Sorry he wasn’t man enough.

The sake bottle was half way gone and he was half way to the moon. The letters were still unopened and he was thinking about keeping them that way.

“Ever heard of a phone?” He slurred to the envelopes. “Or email? Not like I’d answer anyways.” Another swig.

The door opened and closed. Soft foot steps walked through the entry way, almost passing Shikamaru but they stopped. He didn’t look up. Who else would it be?

“Drinking again?” His sons voice sneered behind him.

He tilted his head back and grinned. “Only on special occasions.”

Shikadai rolled his eyes and started walking again.

“Hey wait. I needa asking you something.”

Shikamaru stumbled out of the chair and caught up to his son.

“You smell.”

“Not important right now. Have you opened them?

Shikadai shrugged. “That’s not really your business.”

“I’m your father-“

“And yet, the letters are addressed to me.”

With that, the twelve year old turned and went into his room, a soft click of the lock ending the conversation.

Shikamaru always wondered if he blamed him for his mother leaving. The little exchange proved it. Secretly, he blamed his son as well. So it proved there was black distrust left in the house.

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Authors Note:/ so this is another post by post story piggy backing off of my other au, Shiver. So if you haven’t yet, check out that story before this one.:/

After the Fact

Rating m

Pairings Shikamaru and Temari

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It’s been six months since his wife left. The first three were hell. People obviously found out but not as fast as he thought. It was like a trickling stream at first. He told the Hokage a week later who told his wife who told her friends and eventually he was getting condolence letters, gift baskets, and home cooked meals for his son. He appreciated all the of it but it wasn’t necessary. All he wanted was to be left alone, to avoid the sad eyes that looked his way or the soft pats on the shoulder.

Month 1.

He barely talked. She hadn’t packed everything of hers so there were still reminders of what a failure his marriage is. He drank a lot he remembered. Enough to cause holes in walls and her things broken. Once, he fell asleep, drunk, with a cigarette in his mouth that almost caught his house on fire. The Hokage made him take time off after that.

Month 2.

He kept to himself. He ignored his old teammates who tried to offer their company. Honestly, he didn’t want to be pitied. It was bad enough that the woman he loves left but to have his friends think less of him was the straw that broke the camels back.

He ignored his mother. All she wanted was to help around the house and with Shikadai but to admit to his own mother that he needed help was too embarrassing. The house was a disaster, trash strewn across the floor, broken items littered the tables and there was this rancid smell coming from the bathroom he didn’t want to investigate. After they devoured the home cooked meals there wasn’t much food. He gave his son money everyday to eat out and leave him alone.

His son was like a ghost. They passed each other everyday but no words were exchanged. He didn’t make an effort, neither did Shikadai. Maybe his son blamed him. Maybe it was too painful to talk about. Either way, Shikamaru had no idea what his twelve year old son was up to now a days. He didn’t care.

She wrote. There were letters addressed to him and letters to his son. He tossed all letters to him on the table, unopened. He gave his son his letters and he would pocket them and go on his way. He didn’t know if he reads them or if he writes back. He didn’t care.

Month 3.

After the snow melted and the birds started singing again he decided. He couldn’t keep wallowing in self pity. The village needed him, he knew the Hokage was probably drowning without him. So he started small. He cleaned the house, he took all of Temari’s stuff, packed it in a box, and shipped it to her. He bought food and learned how to cook. He patched the holes and painted the whole house. He shaved and cut his hair. The only thing left were the letters.

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Authors note:/ Last part! Thank you for the few who have been keeping up with the story! Stay in the loop for Shikamarus POV coming soon 👏🏼:/

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The train bounces along the tracks, away from the forest that engulfs her village and to the desert where her home is.

She sits alone, staring out the window, watching the blur of green. Tears stream down her face though she doesn’t know if shes even stopped crying. She thought that the warmth would rush her as soon as she turned her back on that house, but she shivers uncontrollably. It might not be instant, she concludes. Of course she’s devastated of leaving. That was her life for fourteen years, she loved him, still loves them. It hurts.

She doesn’t know what will be waiting for her. That’s a lie. She knows the ridicule and shame cast eyes will be there. She is a wife and mother. Leaving a family for no reason but her own shellfish desires is shameful. How could she do this? What about her motherly duties?

She puts a hand to her mouth and sobs into it. She’ll bring the shame with her to her family, to the Kazakage. They will never let her into the guard with the controversy that will follow. Her brother visited though. He sought her out in what she hoped was an invitation back. He’ll welcome her back with no questions. No proding or side ways glances. She can’t promise her other brother will do the same but he’ll follow along Garra. So she has reassurance.

The sobs rake her body. Why can’t she stop? Their faces keep swimming through her cloudy thoughts. Was this a mistake? Even if it was, he’d never welcome her again. The decision was made so now she has to accept it.

She doesn’t stop the tears all through the day and into the night. The train attendants stay clear of her, the other passengers don’t pay her any attention. She has the luxury to cry herself to sleep and she does.

Her dreams are murky and confusing but there is a warmth pulling her forward. It relaxes her, the tears dry and she slips deeper in her dreams, smiling up at the warmth and running to the two shadowy figures she assumes are her brothers. It’ll be fine.

Authors note:/ sorry I guess it was too long of a post!:/

Behind her son, bright, crystal clear, blue eyes stare back too.

“Tell me what? Do what?” Shikadai asks, a little shaken.

They’ve been listening for awhile.

A look back and forth to the two young friends. No answer. No comment. No strength.

Footsteps behind her. She kisses her son gently on his forehead and whispers, “you are my son. Don’t forget that.”

Like the wind, she blows quietly away. Away from her house and the dumbfounded looks, away from the village, away from the cold.

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“I want to leave.”

“Ok.....where?”

“Home.”

“I don’t get it, you are home.”

“Sunagakure, my old village.”

“For how long?”

She looks at him pointedly.

“Don’t do this. “

“Don’t do what? Just tell me what you mean.”

“I am. I want to go back to my village.”

“You’re still not telling me for how long.”

She huffs, he stares.

“You’re not stupid.”

“I must be cause your speaking riddles and I’m not following.”

“Shikamaru-“

“Stop talking in tongues and tell me!”

“I don’t want to have to spell it out for you!”

“Then it doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter!”

“It does matter!”

“Then say it! Say it already!”

“I want to leave you!”

Tears topple over old tears and her breathing is jagged. The bastard.

His eyes are crazed, his chest heaves up and down. The bitch.

“Where is this coming from?”

“Please, like you couldn’t tell.”

“We have a son, a life here. You can’t just declare you’re done when you want it.”

“I just did.”

“What about Shikadai? Huh? What about your son?”

She knew this question would come, and she did prepare for it. She would fight a little but ultimately she couldn’t take him away from his home. She’d leave him with Shikamaru but with promises of returning for him when she had settled. In her heart, she couldn’t leave him completely. He was her son.

This was what she was going to do.

“I won’t take him. He belongs here, with you.”

In the end, he was too much like him that if she brought him with her he’d also bring a piece of his father, and she didn’t want to tarnish her home. It kills her to admit, truly, but that’s what happens when the cold takes over. It freezes over any warmth towards anyone.

He runs his hands through his hair, which is out of the usual ponytail. He looks manic.

“Why Temari? Didn’t I provide enough for you? Wasn’t I enough?”

“I can’t meet your standards for a wife. I blame myself too, for marrying. I knew I wasn’t meant for it. To that, I am sorry.”

“That’s it? Just like that? ‘Sorry for creating a life with you, but goodbye’? What the hell am I supposed to do?! You’re my wife! My sons mother!”

“That’s not all I am! Damnit Shika, that’s exactly what I’m talking about.”

“What, is this about not letting you go back to work?”

“You don’t control me, Nara Shikamaru! Not anymore.”

She grabs the packed bag off the bed and starts walking towards the door. He grabs her wrist but she easily shakes him off.

“Can’t we talk?”

“I tried already, remember? You didn’t want to hear it.”

She looks at him, right in the eye. His are so dark she wonders if it’s true what they say, that the eyes are the windows to the soul. It must be, because for twelve years, she hasn’t seen a flicker of his soul, just dark eyes.

What does he see in hers?

She doesn’t wait to ask. She turns back around and rushes out the bedroom.

Temari, wait damnit!! What am I suppose to tell our son? Talk to him before you do this!”

He’s practically shouting as she makes it to the front door. It’s to def ears though. With a swift push the door swings open...

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The small cafe is about to close but she doesn't want to leave. The sky is dark, promises of snow in the near future and the wind is chilly but she's content right there. Her husband is probably wondering where she's at but she doesn't care. He's barely home anymore so why does she need to be?

Her breath leaves her mouth in white, soft clouds. There aren’t many people out and yet she finds company in them. She has half a mind to call Ino and relish in the sweet non stop chatter that requires no responses. But she doesn’t really like her husbands old teammate, or the other one for that matter. That only leaves the Uchiha woman and the Hokage’s wife who are usually free. Neither sounds fun.

She sighs and downs the chilled hot tea. Back at her old village, she was never bored like this. Never cold. Hell, she'd still be a shinobe, maybe even the Kazakage guard. Why did she follow love again? A concept so new to her and still, she dropped everything to be here, in the name of it. His face overwhelmed her thoughts. From the first time they met and she kicked his ass, to the war, to his proposal, and then the birth of their son. Those memories were warm and full of the reason why she stayed. They stayed locked up in the back of her mind now, over taken by the cold. Her recent memories of him aren't full of love, but something strong, leaving a bitter taste on her tongue: regret.

No.

She promised herself her life wouldn't have a single regret. The realization slaps her, knocks the wind out and propels her forward. She pays for her tea and walks with a purpose, back to her house where her husband will be wondering where she is and her son, indifferent and unknowing.

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Her brothers face is older. There's lines etched in that haven't been there the last she saw him. She wonders if being the Kazekage is adding years that he hasn't lived yet. Either way, it's good to see him.

They sit outside her house, soaking in the warm spring breeze, drinking ice tea. It was a surprise that he showed up. More out of the blue then he's ever been. Her husband is away and her son on a mission. So he has to be here to see her.

After a lapse of silence he turns to her. "You seem different. Is there anything wrong?"

A pause, bite to the bottom lip, wondering if he's the right person to tell. They haven't exactly been close all their lives. She remembers being terrified of him, pleading with her father to banish or kill him. Double checking behind her in the dead of night, just in case. But it was a different life. Like a dream... or nightmare. The man sitting next to her can't be the same boy who killed instantly, mercilessly, without thought or reason. She could open up to him, right? He's her son's uncle and better yet, her younger brother.

She turns to him, ready to spill all that's been worrying her but when she opens her mouth nothing comes out. He sits patiently, ready to give words of advice but she can't find it in herself to be weak in front of him. So she just smiles and kicks back her ice tea.

"Nothing is wrong. I'm a mother so I have to be different right?"

He smiles. "I suppose. But if anything is wrong you can tell me in confidence Temari."

"Thank you. But I'm fine."

She shivers a little and hopes he doesnt see.

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