Unwanted

I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.

I’m 9 days away from being a month clean and all I wanna do right now is cut. I want it more than anything. Well I guess that’s not true. All I wanna do right now is kiss you. But I can’t do that anymore so I might as well cut instead. God I miss your lips so much. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss the way it felt to lay in your arms. I miss the way your fingers felt laced between mine. I miss the smell of your shirts. I miss looking into your eyes. God they’re the most amazing things I’ve ever seen. They turn to honey in the sunlight. I swear I could get lost in them for hours. I miss laying on your chest and listening to the sound of your heartbeat. I miss holding you in my arms. God I miss every little thing about you. But that’s all gone now. Because I went and fucked it all up. But that’s nothing new. I fuck everything up. So I might as well just relapse. No one would care. I wish I had the guts to just kill myself but I don’t. So I’ll just cut instead. I don’t care that I’m almost a month clean. I don’t give a shit. Maybe this wouldn’t be happening if I had gone to therapy like I was supposed to. Maybe I shouldn’t have cancelled it. But it’s too late now. Plus I fucking hate therapy. I’m so tired of talking about shit. That’s all I ever do. I sit and I talk about my feelings. I tell people exactly how I feel and nothing is changing. Everything is just getting a million times worse. Plus having to go and pay a stranger to listen to my problems just reminds me that I have no one else to talk to. That I’m completely alone. I’ve never been this suicidal. I’ve never wanted to die so bad. But the truth is, I don’t think I really want to die, I just want the pain to end. But suicide is the only way I see that happening. Everyone tells me to just give it time, that time heals all wounds, that I’ll be okay soon; but that’s not true. I’ve been waiting 3 years for shit to get better and nothing has. Everything has just gotten worse. So I just don’t really see the point anymore. I don’t see the point in trying, or crying, or breathing, I’m just done. I’m done fighting the demons in my head. So if you wake up in the morning and I’m gone I’m sorry. I tried, I really did. It just wasn’t enough I guess. I’m so sorry. The demons just got too strong. I’ve been fighting them for too long and I’ve hit my breaking point. I’m sorry. Just remember that I will always love you okay? Forever and always my love, forever and always.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT’S BACK ON MY DASH.

YOOOOOOO

THE BOY I FELL I LOVE WITH LEFT TO TRAVEL THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD AND HAS BEEN GONE NOW FOR 3 MONTHS. WE HAVENT SPOKEN SINCE BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO MAKE HIM FEEL TRAPPED TO ME AND NOT ENJOY HIS TIME SO I WAITED FOR HIM TO CONTACT ME FIRST. I SAW THIS ON A PARTICULARLY LOW DAY WHEN I WAS MISSING HIM SO MUCH I CRIED FROM THE PAIN, GUYS I REALLY LOVE HIM, SO I THOUGHT MEH WHAT THE FUCK, AND WISHED HE WOULD JUST LET ME KNOW HE WAS OKAY.