i have a lot of ✨feelings✨

this is not a test

the alarm rings

the lights red

the sound and light is piercing

this is not a test

alert

alert

the world is ending

run

run

run for your life

the world is cracking open your chest

and reaching in

with slender fingers

to pluck the heart out of you

this is not a test

this is a warning

you are trapped

and the building you have filled with kindling

is on fire

this is not a test

there are no fighters

to pull you from the heat

you must crawl toward the door

belly down

smoke up

they will investigate the wreckage

only to find

you lit the match

and poured the gasoline

this is not a test

you are the arsonist

you are watching the world ends

lighting matches in celebration

and setting the sky alight

this is not a test

the siren blares

because if it was

a test

then you have already

in the lingering laughing cry of tragic comedy

failed

whether this is love

or a tale i tell someday

while i fail to forget the way you held me in your arms

and cradled my heart in your tender palm

whispering sweet nothings

whether this is love

or a fantasy i oft replay

while i wish upon stars to turn back time immemorial

to grant me permission once again to meet your eyes

whether this is love

or tomorrow

is nothing

i'm keeping

a tight hold

of my fluttering

flittering

heart

determined to escape

my shallow

aching

chest

you hear

i have loved

lost

lingered

in the sharp sting

scarred

by love

under a scalpel

pieces unchangeable

cut from me

by hands i cannot sever

they grow

again

i'll not allow

my fickle

fragile

bird

the freedom

to pick the lock

and fly

once more

between fast food and starving

all i've done is bloat

so now i feel like a whale

sinking my own boat

and my tits have gotten bigger

so i bind them extra hard

so i don't feel so disfigured

what's a broken rib to a God

my skin doesn't feel like mine

too loose on weary bones

like a stretched out sweater

too big to feel like home

or the place you found me

scraping pity off the floor

now i'm put together

with too far i can fall

and i don't want you to fuck me

but I'd still love to be loved

so when you tell me that you want me

i fear my loves not enough

and God what a contradiction

living in my troubled head

hating all that parts of me

that make me what i am

Stab me in the throat and twist

Cut out the offending pieces

Leave me with only sweetness

The sour notes make me choke

I was meant to be more than lemons and limes

I was meant to be kind

But your judgment

Makes me mental

And the heavy silence is detrimental

To my health

And wellbeing

So remove them

And leave me hollow

And blind

I should be bleeding more than this

How deeply the rot must have set in

Why arent I bleeding

Stab me again

Cut away more

More

More

I stand within

The gentle

Winding

Breeze

Which billows through

The meadow

And wonder

Have I been

Or am i

Now

Or then

With you

I am

A sponge

Full of holes

And soaking up my surrounds to spread the love around

But if I am not careful

I will trigger

My own

Trypophobia

With all the holes

Left behind

By the pieces of me that have crumbled away

From overuse

Or parts of me

Removed

And shared

And gifted away

I am

So many holes

I wonder if whole

Is something

I ought once to have been