Ramblings of a Kurt Stan

Blaine doesn’t know what to do, he’s spent the past 72 hours in total panic and shock after seeing Kurt, after he’d been in such a good mood before, lying on the kitchen floor bleeding. Bleeding from wounds he’d made himself. Then it was an ambulance and a Thank god we made it in time and then a written consent form to put Kurt into care and Blaine’s husband of three months is committed into the psych ward.

The diagnoses and prescriptions hit both of them like a hurricane. Suddenly Blaine is playing nurse and Kurt is playing patient but not in a sexy way--in fact they can’t even have sex because Kurt’s medications destroyed his sex drive. Even if they hadn’t if Kurt is manic, he can’t truly consent to sex. It’s a scary thought that they both put to the back of their brains when the psychiatrist tells them.

“It’s only going to get worse,” Kurt whispers to the air. Him and Blaine are sitting on their fire escape. “I’m only twenty-one, psychotic symptoms start in your early to mid twenties. It’s only going to get worse.”

Blaine doesn’t disagree, he simply kisses the top of his head and pulls a sedated Kurt into his arms.

“You’ll love me anyways?” Kurt asks.

“Forever,” Blaine replies.

--

Forever lasts about two weeks until Kurt throws out his medication and posts nude photos of himself online.

“Why would you do that?” Blaine shouts. “Those were private. Those were about us.”

“It’s my body,” Kurt yells back. “God why can’t I ever have any fucking fun anymore?” Kurt shouts nonsense, throwing his cellphone near Blaine’s head. It smashes into pieces and puts Blaine in shock.

“Did you just try to hit me?” Blaine asks venomously.

“I can’t help it Blaine,” Kurt says sarcastically. “I’m a psychotic mess, remember?”

“This isn’t you,” Blaine says to himself. “This isn’t the man I married.”

“Then fuck off,” Kurt says nonchalantly. “It’s not like you actually ever loved me.”

Blaine walks out the door.

--

He walks back in about five minutes later. Kurt is painting something on his easel.

“I’m sorry,” Blaine says.

“I don’t care,” Kurt says. “Let me have fun.”

“Take your pills,” Blaine says slowly. “I can get a refill, the pharmacy is just down the street--”

“Why can’t you just let me have fun for once?” Kurt yells. “You’re not my dad!”

“Then stop acting like a child!” Blaine shouts. “I’m sorry, just--please. Take your meds.”

Kurt closes in on himself. “They make me feel weird. Like nothing is real.”

Blaine sighs, hugging Kurt. “Its just for the first couple of weeks, I promise.”

Kurt nods, and Blaine takes the chance to drive them to the psychiatrist before Kurt can change his mind. Luckily they get there in time (thank god for same-day appointments) and Kurt agrees to take his medications. The psychiatrist pulls Blaine aside to tell him to monitor his medications regardless of what Kurt says. Basically tells him not to trust his own husband. The worst part is that deep down, Blaine knows that she is right.

“You’ll still love me?” Kurt asks as they walk to the parking lot.

“Forever.”

-

Three weeks pass, and, with much fighting on both the husbands parts, Kurt does show small signs of improvement. Kurt can take his own medications, he doesn’t feel like he is drowning in lithium. It’s better. It’s not perfect, but it’s better.

Blaine doesn’t realize how much it has done a number on him until he comes home from work to see Kurt making dinner. It’s just a simple pasta, but it means so much.

“You cooked dinner,” Blaine says.

Kurt smiles, in an oversized sweater and loose ripped jeans he stirs the sauce. “So you trust me around sharp objects again?” Kurt jokes.

Blaine doesn’t find it funny. “Kurt,” he says.

“Sorry,” Kurt replies quietly. “In case you’re wondering, no I’m not better. Not completely. I’ll never be better. In a year or two I might develop schizophrenia and have to be sedated even more. I might never be able to work--or perform--” Kurt’s voice breaks at that last part. Blaine grabs his hand.

“We will find a way. We always do.”

“And you’ll still love me?” Kurt asks weakly.

“What?” Blaine sputters, bewildered. “I-I don’t think I can really answer that question, Kurt,” he replies honestly.

Kurt nods silently. “It’s okay if you don’t,” he adds. “It’s just—when we were in the elevator, I know it meant nothing. We’re both seeing people,” he rambles. “It’s that…even after we broke up I never doubted that you found me attractive? It’s stupid and vain I know—“

“It’s not stupid,” Blaine insists. He takes Kurt’s hand for a second, then drops it as if his hand was on fire. “It’s not stupid at all. I do, of course, still find you attractive. I just shouldn’t admit it.”

“Shouldn’t?” Kurt repeats curiously.

“We’re both seeing people,” Blaine echoes. “And I don’t—I don’t love you anymore, Kurt.”

That stings, Kurt has to admit. He can’t let it show though, and quickly brushes it over with a lie. “I don’t love you either,” he manages to choke out. “I wasn’t asking that. I wasn’t propositioning you either, Blaine.”

“Then what did you want?” Blaine almost-yells. “See? This is why we can’t work out. We can’t spend more than a couple hours together without fighting.”

“In the elevator you were forced to kiss me,” Kurt says.

“I’m aware,” Blaine replies. “And your point is?”

“I’m just sorry, is all,” Kurt says quietly. “You obviously didn’t want to-to kiss me. I was just wondering if it was because we’re not together or if it’s because you’re repulsed by me or something,” Kurt admits, trying to play it off as a joke.

“Kurt I didn’t date you for your looks,” Blaine begins. Kurt looks more than a little affronted. “No—let me finish. I didn’t date you for just your looks. The more I fell in love with you the more attracted to you I became.”

“And now that you don’t love me?” Kurt prompts.

“You’re still attractive to me, Kurt,” Blaine admits. “But…it’s different. You’re hot in the same way that Nick Jonas is hot, or some random runway model. It’s less…intimate.” He explains. “So, to answer your question, of course I find you attractive. You are incredibly attractive and you should know it. This break up broke a lot of things but if it broke the self-confidence you’ve been building up for years then that’s the real tragedy. It doesn’t matter if you are hot to me though Kurt. I’m with someone else. That’s enough to draw the line for me.”

“I guess it really is over between us, eh?” Kurt laughs quietly.

“Together or apart you’re still the most important person to me,” Blaine says. “You’re still my best friend. And I’ll always love you. It’s just in a different way right now. I have to love myself first, you know?”

“And I have to learn to love myself I guess,” Kurt admits.

“Please do, the world is a colder place when Kurt Hummel doesn’t know love himself.”

“I don’t even know if I like myself anymore,” Kurt replies hollowly. “But I’ll figure it out, right?”

“Exactly,” Blaine promises. “And just between you and me—as best friends?” Blaine pauses. “That kiss was totally hot. Red-tube worthy, for sure.”

Kurt shoves him playfully in mock-astonishment. “You are incredibly dirty, Blaine Anderson.”

“Don’t you know it,” Blaine teases, looking Kurt up and down. His phone beeps and the moment is gone, “shit that’s Dave, I’m late to dinner,” Blaine says.

“Sounds familiar,” Kurt replies coldly.

Blaine sighs, letting the comment go. “Give me a hug before I go, I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” Kurt smiles, hugging Blaine in the all-too-familiar way that they used to have.

“Oh—oh god, Kurt, Kurt, shit,” and there he goes. It’s been a lot easier for Blaine.

“I barley even touched you that time,” Kurt huffs.

“Yeah but you did it with your mouth,” Blaine pants, looking up at Kurt. “I’m sorry, I really tried this time. Oh shit did I get any in your hair?” Kurt’s face morphs quickly into shock, he runs to Blaine’s mirror.

“Blaine Anderson I swear to god—“

So yeah, it’s not been going too well. This is only their third attempt though! And Kurt is definitely going to come the next time. Hopefully.

“We’re trying,” Blaine offers, as Kurt walks into Blaine’s room, towelling his wet hair. “We kind of have opposite problems, right?”

“Right,” Kurt replies hesitantly, walking over to put the face cream from his travel kit on his face. “So what are you proposing?”

Blaine pauses, thinking. He isn’t quite sure, but he doesn’t want Kurt to go home unsatisfied for a third time. It’s just not fair. “Maybe I could try going down on you? It feels really good—like way better than my hand. Maybe it’s not the why you can’t…you know,” he pauses awkwardly as Kurt scowls at him “--but the how of the situation that we need to change? Maybe handjobs just don’t get you off?

“Okay, maybe,” Kurt agrees. “So wait, you want to do it now?”

“If possible,” Blaine shrugs, walking over to Kurt. “I mean, you are already naked, right?” Blaine toys with knot of Kurt’s towel before Kurt nods and allows Blaine to undo it, having it fall to the ground. “God you are so hot,” Blaine groans, looking at Kurt’s naked body, Kurt blushes uncomfortably.

“Can we just get under the covers?” Kurt says quickly.

“Yeah, of course,” Blaine says, disappointed. He kind of hoped that this time Kurt would let him see his body for more than a couple seconds, but before he can protest the issue Kurt is already covered from the waist-down under Blaine’s bedspread. “Uh, Kurt?”

“Yes Blaine,” Kurt replies, looking at the ceiling, rather than his boyfriend.

“Do you really want me to give you a blowjob…under two sheets and a duvet?” he asks. “I mean, you saw me when you were…you know, earlier?”

“Yes well I guess we have different comfort levels,” Kurt says. “If you’re not comfortable—“

“No I’m fine!” Blaine jumps in. “Totally fine,” he replies not wanting to scare Kurt off when he’s so close to getting that bit further with his adorable, sexy, albeit nervous, boyfriend. “Should I just—“ Blaine gestures, lifting up the heavy covers.

“Yeah,” Kurt breathes softly, letting his head fall into the pillows. Blaine crawls into the pitch-black darkness and tries to feel his way for Kurt’s cock. “Ah!” Kurt squeaks when Blaine’s cold hand grasps the inside of his thigh. “Cold hands,” he explains.

Blaine nods, but Kurt obviously can’t see him so he says “Okay!” a bit loudly, since his voice is muffled from the covers. Eventually he is able to find Kurt’s (soft) cock and grabs it lightly, dryly stroking, trying to get Kurt hard. It obviously isn’t works however, so he crawls up onto Kurt and pokes his head out to see a startled Kurt blinking back at him.

“You’re on top of me,” Kurt says.

“Yeah,” Blaine says awkwardly. “Sorry about that, I just—I need lube.”

“For what?” Kurt squeaks.

“To jack you off,” Blaine explains. Kurt rolls his eyes and grabs for the lube at the side of their table.

“You could put it a little less crudely,” he comments, before handing the lube to Blaine.

“Sorry,” Blaine smiles, pecking Kurt on the lips before trying to go under the covers again.

“Wait—“ Kurt interrupts. “Can you just…stay here?” he asks quietly. “And kiss me?”

“Of course,” Blaine says, dropping the lube somewhere beside Kurt’s head in favour to kiss Kurt softly on the lips. Instinctively, Kurt’s hips buck up a bit, knees rising to brace the sides of Blaine’s hips. “F-fuck,” Blaine chokes out. Kurt gasps, his eyes closed and his pink mouth slightly parted. Blaine leans in again, kissing Kurt with tongue this time. As he gets more into it, Kurt wraps his ankles around Blaine’s waist, allowing Blaine to grind down in a dry friction.

“Mm, wait,” Blaine says in a daze. “You haven’t let me go down on you yet, and you’re definitely hard now,” he smiles. As if he were shocked, Kurt snaps out of whatever he was in, and the nervous look returns. “Do you not want me to go down on you?” Blaine asks. “It’s okay if that’s not what you want,” Blaine says honestly.

“No, I totally want it,” Kurt assures.

“Okay,” Blaine smiles, kissing Kurt one last time before crawling under the sheets again.

“You forgot the lube,” Kurt comments.

“Don’t need it anymore, you’re already hard,” Blaine comments. It’s true, Blaine can’t see it per se but he can totally feel it; it’s kind of awesome. Blaine covers his teeth with his lips and starts sucking on the head, bobbing lightly. He’s not sure exactly what to do since all Kurt had to do was look up at him with his mouth partially on Blaine’s cock and he was done. He can’t exactly tell Kurt’s reactions because of the covers, and he can’t really see what he’s doing, but he figures it’s better than nothing. Hopefully Kurt is enjoying it more than he is (it’s really hot under his covers, and it’s getting kind of hard to breathe).

“Blaine?” he hears Kurt say.

“Yes?” Blaine replies.

“Can you come up here? You’ve been at it for a while now and it’s just not working,” he says, embarrassed. Blaine crawls up again, this time beside Kurt rather than on top of him. What he sees is a tomato-red Kurt, with watery eyes.

“Oh baby, don’t cry,” Blaine coos.

“I’m just so embarrassed—and-and—frustrated. I don’t know why this is happening,” he admits. “How are we supposed to be intimate if I can’t…”

“Come?”

“Yeah,” Kurt laughs humourlessly, looking at the ceiling instead of at Blaine. “I can’t even say the word, god I’m so stupid.”

“Hey, none of that,” Blaine chastises. “Maybe you’re just not ready?”

“I don’t think it’s that,” Kurt replies. “When we were kissing and you were on top of me I was kind of close, but it felt like something was missing? I don’t know I guess I’m just really nervous and insecure and when everything is focused on me…I get a little scared.”

“That makes sense,” Blaine agrees. “Maybe we’re putting on too much pressure. What do you do when you’re on your own doing this?” Kurt doesn’t respond, instead he refuses to meet Blaine’s gaze and shakes his head. “Okay, I’ll go first then? Unless that would make you uncomfortable?”

“No, it might help,” Kurt says quietly.

“Well, um, ha—you’re right this is hard. I guess I think of you? Of what I want to do with you, and I usually just jack off with lube. It’s nothing special, really. Sometimes I watch porn?”

“You don’t—“ Kurt cuts himself off before he can finish his question.

“I don’t…” Blaine prompts.

“Um…have you ever fingered yourself?” Kurt asks, works fumbling out to the point where Blaine isn’t actually sure if what he heard is real until Kurt mutters a “never mind” and starts to get up.

“Hey—Kurt, come on,” Blaine begs. “I haven’t successfully done it, no. It’s not something I enjoyed on my own, but if you wanted to—“

“Oh god no I don’t want to finger you,” Kurt says. “I’m not—I just meant,” he breaks off. “To me, I meant to me?”

“Oh, oh,” Blaine smiles. “Oh wow, um yes. Yes I would love to. If that’s what you want.”

“Do you think you can do it and kiss me at the same time? Or like be on top of me?”

“I can certainly try,” Blaine replies. “Have you done it to yourself?” Kurt is silent. “Kurt I’m not going to judge you. You’ve seen me come way too early like three times, I literally got it in your hair, I’ve sustained enough embarrassment for the both of us, and I promise I won’t judge you.”

“Fine,” Kurt huffs. “I do that to myself sometimes. When I decide to masturbate—which isn’t often mind you—I always oft for…that.”

Blaine makes a chocked off sound. “Fuck, that is so hot,” he says, kissing Kurt passionately whilst grabbing the lube. He separates from Kurt to uncap the bottle and messily spread it over three of his fingers. “How many do you usually start off with?” he asks.

“One, usually,” Kurt replies breathily. Blaine nods, kissing at Kurt’s neck softly (which elicits some amazing gasps from Kurt) and reaching his hand down to Kurt’s ass.

“Honey you have to spread your legs a little,” Blaine says, kissing Kurt under his jaw and down his neck and shoulder while Kurt adjusts his hips. “Mmm, better. I’m going to start now, okay?”

“Oh god—okay,” Kurt breathes. “Go slow, and um, press your fingers up? That usually feels really good for me—oh fuck,” Kurt cuts off as Blaine slowly works his middle finger into Kurt. “Oh god Blaine that feels so different—so much deeper with you.”

“Good?” Blaine asks.

“Y-yes, please just—“ he cuts off to breathe. “I’m sorry I’m a r-rush of nerves and arousal,” he laughs. “Go slow with one finger, it usually takes me a while to be ready for another, I have to be really relaxed and—and turned on,” he says the last part as quietly as possible.

Blaine follows Kurt’s instructions, kissing him softly and lovingly whilst Kurt gets used to one finger. It doesn’t take long for Kurt to ask for another, making Blaine nervous that he might not be ready—or that he might hurt him. “Are you sure?”

“Trust me, I know my body, Blaine,” Kurt smiles, a spark of confidence in his words.

Blaine nods and works his index finger into Kurt’s asshole along with his middle finger, pumping slowly and pushing up like Kurt told him.

“H-holy fuck,” Kurt whines. “There, massage upwards there and keep kissing me, fuck.”

Did I just find the prostate? Blaine asks himself silently, adhering to Kurt’s instructions and massaging up, making Kurt squeak and moan with pleasure.

“Oh-oh god Blaine,” Kurt whines. “I love you so m-much, I’m going to—“ Blaine speeds up his motions, adding in a third finger easily, kissing Kurt hard. Kurt lets go then, coming with a broken whine. “Oh fuck,” Kurt moans. “That was better than I’ve ever been able to do,” he commends.

“Glad I could help,” Blaine jokes. “So that was…good for you?” Kurt rolls to face Blaine on the bed, resting his head on Blaine’s chest.

“Blaine I am covered in my own come and still shaking with the amazing orgasm you just gave me; I am more than okay,” he says.

“Good,” Blaine replies. “And hey if this was good for anything, at least you can say ‘come’ and ‘orgasm’ now without turning into a total tomato!”

“Are you saying I look like a partial tomato right now, then?” Kurt quirks.

“It’s a very sexy tomato,” Blaine assures.

“Oh well as long as it’s sexy,” Kurt replies sarcastically. “I’m really glad we tried this, despite my awkwardness.”

“Me too, I can’t wait to spend forever finding different ways to make you come.”

“And hey, maybe one day you’ll be able to wait three seconds before climaxing!” Kurt retorts.

“Another job for another day,” Blaine replies with mock-whimsy. “Right now I just want to cuddle with my adorably sexy boyfriend until the come on both our bodies congeals completely and we have to wash up.”

“Gross, Blaine,” Kurt replies.

“You love it.”

“It’s December 12th—“

“Not the point, Blaine,” Kurt says. “What are we going to do? I’m already freezing, we’re stuck an art studio in the only non-gentrified part of the Junction so god knows we’re not getting a snow plow any time soon.”

“Need I remind you we have turned this art studio into an actual apartment? Look over there, there’s a kitchen and everything!” Blaine replies sarcastically. His boyfriend doesn’t handle situations like this very well. Outside is literally hell frozen over, and even in a city as big as Toronto, they aren’t getting takeout delivered tonight in this weather. Even if they could, they have no cell reception.

“I’m really cold, shit, pass me the blacks I need a smoke.” The pull of cherry-hinted smoke always calms him down in a crisis. Blaine isn’t in the mood to see Kurt have a nic-fit either so he makes quick compliance. He tosses the smokes to Kurt, with a lighter, taking one for himself.

“Light me up?” Blaine says, voice muffled with the unlit-cigarette in his mouth.

“I could always just shot-gun you,” Kurt flirts.

“Second hand smoke is bad for you, I heard,” Blaine replies. Kurt rolls his eyes and lights Blaine’s smoke. They inhale in silence for a bit before Kurt lies down, bumping his head lightly on the paint-stained floors of their studio.

“I can’t believe we live together now,” Kurt muses. “As, like, boyfriends. It’s so weird.”

“Totally weird,” Blaine agrees. Neither of them had been the relationship type, they’d just been friends. Then best friends. Then best friends who fucked, and now? Boyfriends. So weird. “I like it though,” he adds. Just as Blaine sees Kurt shiver again he thinks of something brilliant. “I have our Christmas presents in my printmaking station!”

“In?” Kurt questions.

“I mean under,” Blaine corrects. “Whatever it doesn’t matter,” he brushes off, getting up to find the unwrapped gifts for him and Kurt. “I was strolling down Queen West—“

“Ew, Blaine, what about our pact?” Kurt questions. “The one about never shopping in over-gentrified areas?”

“Chill out, I was at Black Market,” Blaine explains and Kurt lets it go. That store is still a municipal treasure, despite the UofT kids ruining it with their shopping exploits. “Anyways, they were having a sale and I thought it would be funny so I got us—“ he breaks off to show off the presents. “These!”

Kurt smiles. “You got us ugly Christmas sweaters.”

“They’re ironic?” Blaine offers. “Oh whatever don’t pretend that you don’t love it.”

“Are they vegan wool?” Kurt squints his eyes.

“Of course they are vegan wool Kurt, I’m not an idiot,” Blaine scoffs. Well he thinks they are, probably. Why did Kurt have to become a vegan after they moved in together? “I got you the big oversized one because you look super sexy in oversized sweaters.”

“You’re just hoping it falls off my shoulder,” Kurt smiles, holding up the sweater. “Okay this looks warm enough, and I left my coat at Rachel’s so I’m game,” he says, putting on the sweater overtop his Sleater Kinney band tee.

“Oh no,” Blaine says. “Nope. You need to take that t-shirt off, you’re performing a fashion crime right now and I’m not going to allow it.”

“Okay first of all, this is about function, not fashion,” Kurt says. “We live together, I can look less than perfect around you now. Secondly, you are never to give me fashion advice, Blaine Anderson,” he scolds.

“Please take it off?” Blaine pouts. “I promise I’ll find a better way of warming you up,” he continues, unbuttoning Kurt’s skinny jeans.

“Oh Christ,” Kurt exasperates. “We don’t even have a bed here yet, Blaine,” Kurt argues. “I’m not sacrificing my back so we can have floor sex.”

“I’ll give you the best back massage ever once we’re done,” Blaine promises.

“Back rubs don’t help bruises, Blaine,” Kurt replies.

“Last time I checked you don’t mind a couple bruises,” Blaine whispers into Kurt’s ear, kissing down his neck. “Please take the shirt off?”

“Fine,” Kurt says taking both the shirt and the sweater off, shivering. Blaine gets them completely naked in record time, kissing down Kurt’s stomach.

“Wait,” Blaine says. “Put the sweater back on?”

“Kurt you’re drunk,” Blaine chides softly. “I’m not having sex with you, I just came to your room to make sure you got to bed safely.”

Kurt huffs, pulling off his Misfits t-shirt, exposing his bare chest in a way sober-him would never be comfortable with. Knowing this, Blaine turns his back to Kurt out of respect.

“What’re ya doin’?” Kurt mumbles, pulling Blaine to turn around. “M’ not embarrassed.”

“And you shouldn’t be,” Blaine says, looking at the ground. “You’re beautiful. But you’re drunk. I don’t want anything clouding your judgement where I’m involved.”

“I don’t see any clouds,” Kurt retorts, completely missing the point. “The stars are lovely tonight,” he says nonchalantly, lighting up a smoke and looking out of the window by his bed. “I wanna’ be one, one day. A star.”

“You already shine brighter than anyone in this cow town,” Blaine says honestly. “I have no doubt that when you go to New York next year you’ll outshine everyone at NYADA.”

“I’m not going to New York, Blaine,” Kurt admits “I didn’t get in,” Kurt says quietly, looking at the ground. “Wasn’t good enough, I guess.”

“Bullshit,” Blaine says with such severity that it sends shocks down Kurt’s spine.

“Blaine Anderson did you just swear?” Kurt teases.

“Bullshit,” Blaine repeats, grabbing Kurt’s face to make him look Blaine in the eye. “You are the most beautiful, talented, interesting person I will ever meet. That school isn’t shit if it won’t take you.”

“I think your judgement is clouded,” Kurt says. “They only take in 20 people, I’m a tattooed, dyed mess. Of course they didn’t take me.”

“They’re idiots,” Blaine says simply. “And you’re still going to New York. That city was built for people like you. School or no school, you have to go. I can’t let you stay here.”

“And what about you?” Kurt challenges, sobering up.

“I’m nothing special, Kurt,” Blaine says. “You’ll forget about me two months after moving there. I’ll just be an embarrassing memory—“

“You stop that,” Kurt snaps. “You are not an embarrassment—“

“Then why won’t you kiss me in public?” Blaine yells back. “Or sober for that matter.” He spits. “I’m not good enough for you, Kurt. I know it. Just stop making it seem like I have a chance.”

“Blaine of course you have a chance,” Kurt says. “I know I’m a bit drunk and you’re pissed but I care about you. I think I could even love you,” he admits.

“The alcohol is clouding your judgement,” Blaine repeats.

“Nothing is clouding my judgement except my feelings for you,” Kurt insists. “You’re right, I shouldn’t lose my virginity while drunk. But you’re wrong in thinking that I don’t care about you just as much as you do me.”

“And when you’re sober will you think the same way?” Blaine asks.

“Come cuddle me tonight,” Kurt says, almost childishly. He puts on an oversized shirt and takes off his jeans, crawling into bed. He leave a spot open for Blaine to join him. “Tomorrow we’ll talk. But tonight let’s just have this,” he says. “This is what I need.”

Blaine relents, crawling into Kurt’s bed, facing him. He holds Kurt’s waist tight, allowing Kurt to rest his forehead on Blaine’s chest. “I’ll give you everything you need so much as I can,” Blaine murmurs into his hair before falling asleep as well.

When Blaine told him that he’d cheated, he felt like his entire world had been turned upside down. He’s still waiting for that feeling to stop, waiting for the balance to come back. For him to forgive Blaine, for them to be together again. Try as he may, right now at least, he just can’t. Blaine had sex with another man, while Kurt was off trying to make a career for himself. He’s being punished for…for what? For not answering a call or two? For not putting Blaine ahead of his job? He feels sick.

He checks his phone; 17 texts from Blaine. He deletes them all. The flowers, delivered to his office really cut deep. Red and yellow, as if Blaine had to corrupt every good moment they’ve had. He hates himself for hating Blaine. He loves Blaine and he can’t imagine being without him, the thought literally makes him break down; he can’t even think of it. It’s reality though; he can’t be with Blaine. Not right now anyways, the wound is too deep. It feels like he’s literally had his heart cut out, the pain of losing Blaine isn’t just mental. Kurt is physically hurting with loss.

--

Kurt thought the balance would be restored when he called Blaine on thanksgiving. They’d said they love each other; that they’d work on talking about their issues. Apparently talk is cheap then, because while he does feel like a weight had been lifted, he still feels like his world is terribly off kilter. Maybe there is no fix to this.

--

Kurt literally loses his balance with Blaine on Christmas. They’re skating together, just finishing their duet, and Kurt stumbles. He reaches for the rail of the ice rink but it’s too far away; he’s going to fall. Just before he hits the ground, however, a strong hand is grasping his waist pulling him up.

“Do you think I’d let you fall?” Blaine teases.

“Of course not,” Kurt lies.

Blaine frowns, not removing his arms from Kurt’s waist. “I’m always going to be there when you fall,” he says.

“You weren’t,” Kurt says seriously.

“I will now,” Blaine promises.

And for once since this terrible incident, Kurt believes him.

--

It’s like everything blurring into focus. Blaine on one knee, all his friends and family surrounding him after possibly the greatest spectacle of Kurt’s life (which is saying something since he lives in Bushwick). They’re way too young, incredibly stupid, with barely a chance in the world. There’s no way it would work.

He still says yes. Blaine kisses him, puts the ring on his finger. Kurt cries, everyone else cheers, and suddenly, as if he was waking up from a dream (or a nightmare) he finally feels like he is on solid ground.

“Good morning,” Blaine smiles, looking up at Kurt in his bed. The bed that they had sex in for the first time last night. Needless to say, Blaine is beamingly happy waking up next to Kurt.

“Mm, morning,” Kurt yawns, looking into Blaine’s eyes. “Last night was…” he trails off.

“Amazing?” Blaine supplies. “Awe-inspiring? Oh! How about—“

“Blaine.” Kurt deadpans.

“Sorry,” Blaine laughs gently, putting his arms around Kurt’s waist to get them closer together. “But seriously, was it…”

“What it what?” Kurt teases. “Awe-inspiring?”

“Good?” Blaine offers. “Or at least not terrible?” he blushes.

Kurt rolls his eyes, “It was amazing for me too,” he relents. “Wait—it was good for you too right because—“

“Kurt,” Blaine interrupts. “It was amazing. I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Kurt replies softly, leaning down to kiss Blaine. “And last night was everything I’d hoped it would be. Even if I’m still bad at talking about this sort of stuff I can admit that. Also that I need to brush my teeth so I can kiss you properly,” he winks, moving to get off the bed. Before he can make two steps towards the washroom, however, he stops in his tracks and makes a very indignant sound.

“Baby what’s wrong?” Blaine attempts to rush to Kurt’s aid before realizing exactly why Kurt had stopped so suddenly in his tracks. “Ow.”

“You too?” Kurt asks. “What the hell you didn’t even—well you know.”

“I know,” Blaine teases, although his voice is strained with the pain of working his sore muscles too quickly. “It’s not like we did acrobatics last night what the hell?”

“I don’t know,” Kurt replies before flopping down on the bed. “But I’m not moving, my everything hurts.”

“Mine too,” Blaine replies sadly. “We need advil,” he decides.

“Do you want to be the one to get up?” Kurt quirks his eyebrow.

Blaine huffs, stiffly walking out of his room. “This is insane we are dancers! We exercise every day and do incredibly complicated choreography so how is it that my upper back feels like it’s broken?”

“Better than my lower back,” Kurt mumbles. “God my neck feels like I got strangled I swear to god,” Kurt moans.

Blaine goes stock still, “Uhh…”

“Blaine Anderson I told you not to leave any marks”

“I’m sorry!” Blaine says. “It’s just your neck was…there and it was…you know...you. Your skin. Brain. Mush.”

“Is the caveman speak over?” Kurt asks, still feigning annoyance. Blaine nods. “Okay you’re lucky this is November otherwise I would be so pissed.” Kurt relents. “You owe me advil and breakfast now though.” He adds.

“For you? Anything,” Blaine says, leaning down to kiss Kurt before seizing up. “Ow.”

“Advil first then kisses?” Kurt asks sympathetically.

“Advil first,” Blaine agrees. “I love you,” he calls out.

“Oh god,” Kurt groans, burying his face into his hands. This can’t be happening.

“Yeah I’ll get the veggie lasagne with no onions,” Elliott says casually, obviously not picking up on the situation.

“Um, okay,” the waiter says, remembering his job suddenly and penciling in the order. “Uh I’m Sebastian and I will be your waiter tonight,” he says awkwardly.

Sebastian, Kurt thinks is an interesting name. He can’t remember if the guy ever told him his name. The fact that he can’t even remember the name of the guy he slept with last night dawns on him; Oh god I really am a slut.

“I will have the—“

“I didn’t know you had a boyfriend,” Sebastian cuts in icily.

“He’s not—“ Kurt begins.

“I’m sorry do you two know each other?” Elliott asks innocently.

“Oh he knows me alright,” Sebastian smiles.

“I will have the baked mac and cheese now please, for the love of god, leave,” Kurt says, kicking himself that he was just rude to a service worker--in rhymes, no less.  “Sorry about that,” Kurt says, trying to mask what is going on.

“So you slept with the waiter?” Elliott asks nonchalantly. “Didn’t take you for a one-night-stander, gotta say,” he says, smiling.

“I’m not a slut!” Kurt practically yells, bringing attention to the table. “I’m not a slut,” he repeats quieter. “I just…had a lot to drink last night—“

“Wait last night?” Elliott asks incredulously. “You slept with some guy last night and then went on a date with me the night after?”

“It’s not what it sounds like?” Kurt asks. “You probably want to go now,” he says quietly.

Elliott gives Kurt a considering look before huffing out a sigh, “Nah, I’m good here. Just don’t think I’m going to give it up on the first date.”

“You’re really not going to leave?” Kurt asks disbelievingly. “It’s not like I was exactly good conversation before this.”

“But,” Elliott counters. “You are good conversation now. Or at least interesting conversation.”

“Oh god please do not use the words interesting in regards to me, I swear the word is cursed,” Kurt says solemnly.

“Cursed, really?” Elliott asks in a judgmental tone. “Now I must hear the story behind that.”

“More like stories,” Kurt muses. “The first time I was called interesting it lead to me going to a terrible seedy gay bar and having my first boyfriend try to get me to lose my virginity to him in a car.”

“Ugh what an ass,” Elliott replies.

“Eh, we were all shitty in high school,” Kurt brushes off. “So the second time I tried to be “interesting” I ended up drinking two shots of Limoncello and got my first—and only—tattoo.”

“That’s not too bad—“

“I haven’t finished yet,” Kurt says. “It was spelled wrong. I got so drunk off of two shots of soft liquor I couldn’t even spell ‘It Gets Better’ on a keyboard—I ended up with ‘It’s Get Better’”

“No way, so you still have that on your body?” Elliott asks with disbelief—Kurt Hummel is more of an anomaly than he thought.

“No I got it changed to ‘It’s Got Bette Middler’ actually,” Kurt says casually.

“You are incredible,” Elliott says, in lieu of a proper response.

“Incredible, yes. But I make bad decisions when I try to be ‘interesting’” Kurt replies.

“Speaking of,” the waiter—Sebastian says awkwardly. “So I forgot to ask if you wanted anything to drink, your carbs are coming soon.”

“Wow thank you for being oh so helpful,” Kurt drawls sarcastically. “I’ll have a diet coke.”

“Yeah good idea staying away from alcohol, heard it does terrible things to you,” Sebastian replies.

“Definitely impairs my judgement,” Kurt bites back. And seriously who does this guy think he is?

“I thought you’d be more of a Sherly Temple kinda guy after last night, actually,” Sebastian bites back. “But of course I can get you that diet coke. Anything for you, one-night-stand number two?”

“Maybe a manager to inform about how rude our server is?” Elliott replies calmly.

“Yeah, my dad is the manager’s boss’s boss so I don’t think that would really make a difference. Plus I always give my tips to the other staff, it’s not like I need them. This is punishment for spending too much money on my dad’s credit card so please, go ahead and tell my manager.”

“Jesus Christ,” Kurt mutters.

“You seemed to say that a lot last—“

“Do not even finish that sentence,” Kurt says pointedly. “Please just get me some fucking carbs and a diet coke.”

“Right on it!”

“I’m sorry,” Kurt says. “I was actually a waiter for two years I’m never rude to service staff but—“

“I get it,” Elliott says. “That guy is an ass. Remind me to not take you out clubbing any time soon though.”

“Okay,” Kurt laughs.

“And also know that I’m still not putting out on the first date,” Elliot says with mock-seriousness.

“You don’t have to worry about that. I’m going to have to scrub my mind with bleach to forget last night, until then I can’t even fathom having sex. Especially meaningless.”

“That works for me,” Elliott says.

“Really,” Kurt drawls, disbelievingly.

“Actually, yeah,” Elliott replies.

“Okay, I can roll with that,” Kurt smiles. “But you have to promise to never bring up tonight again or that wretched waiter.”

“Speaking of,” Elliott groans.

“Your carbs,” Sebastian offers, speaking sarcastically, of course.

“My hero,”

“Nah just a one night stand,” Sebastian says. “Don’t worry those are what I go for anyways. But be warned—spikey haired guy? Yeah this one is a screamer—“

“I think you can leave now,” Elliott replies politely. “We’ll pay at the register, don’t worry.” Sebastian leaves, smirking at Kurt the entire time.

“Well that was an adventure,” Kurt sighs.

“Here’s to more,” Elliott raises his cup of water to clink with Kurt’s diet coke.

“I don’t see why this is a big deal Kurt, Trent is my best friend—“

“Oh,” Kurt says in a hollow tone, curling in on himself a bit.

“What?” Blaine asks, angry tone disappearing the moment he hears Kurt’s voice crack.

“It’s nothing,” Kurt deflects. “Go help Trent.”

“Kurt—“

“Just go okay? I’m not mad,” he says. It’s true, he isn’t mad. He just didn’t realize that becoming Blaine’s boyfriend meant that he can no longer be his best friend.

It makes sense though, Kurt realizes. Ever since they got together (which is still extremely amazing and Kurt swoons just thinking of it) everything they’ve done together has been romantic. Everything is either a date or related to school. They never have coffee, it’s always a coffee “date”, same goes with shopping, dinner, movies; pretty much everything.

Kurt would go crazy if he spent all his time with Blaine his “boyfriend”, and none with his girlfriends. He understands that they need alone time (Kurt probably more than Blaine, actually.) Before Blaine kissed him however they were best friends, right? He never thought gaining a boyfriend meant losing his best friend.

Even if it’s just a silly title, their friendship means so much to him and now do they even have one? When was the last time they just hung out? He understands the whole ‘’honeymoon phase’’ thing and he isn’t complaining, but he wants his best friend back. He doesn’t want anyone else to have that title. Call him greedy but he isn’t giving up their friendship, it means too much to him.

“Blaine can we talk?” Kurt asks, the day after their fight.

“Yeah, of course,” Blaine says, wiping the sweat off his hands on his pants before taking Kurt’s. “Where do you want to go?”

“Well no one is home at my place we could go there?”

“Oh, okay,” Blaine says, shaking his head. “Is this—is this about our fight yesterday because I’m really sorry—“

“Yes it is,” Kurt says softly. “It’s nothing bad, the fight was stupid. It just made me realize something.”

“Oh,” Blaine says quietly.

“Nothing bad,” Kurt reassures. “I mean yes it’s something bad but not like bad, you know?”

“I think so?” Blaine questions. He is never completely sure of anything with Kurt.

They reach Kurt’s place pretty quickly thanks to them beating rush hour, and head up to Kurt’s room.

“I’m not sure if Burt would approve of us being in your room, alone, with the door closed,” Blaine comments.

“Relax Blaine I’m not brining you here for nefarious purposes, we can move down to the living room if you want, I just wanted to make sure we have privacy in case someone comes home,” he says, sitting on his bed and gesturing for Blaine to do the same.

“Okay,” Blaine relents. “So what’s up?” He asks, a bit wearily, fearing the worst. Kurt doesn’t say anything at first prompting Blaine to clear his throat so Kurt will speak up. “What’s on your mind?”

“I just don’t want to seem stupid, is all,” Kurt says quietly.

“Well you’re kind of freaking me out,” Blaine says quickly. “Did I do something wrong? Like…serious-wrong? Aside from cancel our date? Or was cancelling our date a really terrible thing to do?” He rambles. “I’m new to this and I didn’t think that through and I’m really sorry but please don’t break up with me for something like that—“

“Break up with you?” Kurt squeaks. “No, of course I’m not breaking up with you. Is that what you thought?”

“You seemed really hurt last night,” Blaine says. “I wasn’t sure what I’d be facing today. If I had known it meant that much to you—“

“It didn’t,” Kurt says.

“Then why—“

“Blaine just let me explain okay?” Blaine nods, Kurt continues. “I wasn’t even mad when you cancelled I was just pouting to—I don’t know—be cute? Or something.”

“You’re always cute,” Blaine smiles.

“You too,” he says, blushing. “I guess what hurt me was that…” He trails off. “Oh god this sounds so stupid let’s just forget—“

“Kurt,” Blaine says emphatically.

“Fine, okay,” Kurt mumbles. He sits down beside Blaine, taking his hand. “I guess I was hurt that you called Trent your best friend?”

“What?” Blaine says, confused. “But he is—“

“I thought I was,” Kurt admits. “Your best friend, that is.”

“Oh,” Blaine says quietly. “But you’re my boyfriend?”

“I thought I was both,” Kurt says, and since Blaine isn’t trying to rephrase or say that Kurt is that for him he rambles, a bit. “It doesn’t matter,” he says. “I don’t know why I thought—it doesn’t matter.”

“It obviously matters to you,” Blaine says sincerely.

“No it doesn’t. I have Mercedes, and Rachel, and lots of friends, it doesn’t—it doesn’t matter,” he denies. “I guess we weren’t as close as I thought we were.”

“Kurt—“

“No! It’s okay! I guess I thought after everything we went through, I don’t know,” he’s shaking now, with embarrassment and hurt. Maybe they shouldn’t have had this conversation. “It’s getting late—“

“It’s four pm,” Blaine retaliates. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I care about you so much,” he says. “I just always saw you in another category. Of course we were friends but you were something different from the moment I met you. We’ve never really been just friends, I may have taken a while to realize it, but I never saw as just friends.”

“Neither did I,” Kurt says. “But you were my best friend. Still are. Even if I’m not yours, and I miss doing friendship things with you. As much as I love kissing you and cuddling I miss us just hanging out. I hate that everything seemed to have changed when it didn’t need to.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know everything did change,” Blaine says. “We can still hang out without it being a date.”

“But we haven’t been,” Kurt points out. “I just…I’m new to this, you know that. I know you are too but I miss us being friends there are so many expectations now and I feel so overwhelmed sometimes and it’s only been two months, you know? We can’t lie on my bed and read vogue together anymore or be brutally honest because we’re so scared that it’s going to mean something different or that we’ll mess this up.”

“I didn’t know you felt that way,” Blaine says.

“You can’t even admit that you don’t see me as a best friend because you’re scared of hurting my feelings.”

“You are my best friend though,” Blaine says, Kurt laughs.

“Blaine just because I’m not happy about it—“

“You are,” Blaine insists. “I haven’t trusted anyone here—not one person—the way I have trusted you. The Warblers see me as their flawless leader, you just see me as Blaine. Of course you are my best friend, Kurt. I never thought about it much but of course you are.”

Kurt is silent for a moment, trying to calm the rush of emotions he’s feeling. “We need to find out how to balance this better, Blaine,” he says finally. I see too many of my friends’ relationships just suck because hanging out with their significant other turns out to be more of a chore than a pleasure, and they just want to spend all their time with their “bros” and do nothing but complain about how they have to do all these things to be a good boyfriend or girlfriend. I hate that, I want to yell at them, ask them why they are even in a relationship if they hate it so much. I’m not dating you because I want a boyfriend, Blaine. I’m dating you because I honest-to-god like you and because you’re my best friend—“

“I’m also pretty good looking,” Blaine says cheekily.

“That too,” Kurt smirks. “Do you know what I mean though? I don’t want to sacrifice our friendship for kisses and dates.”

“I don’t either,” Blaine agrees. “But I still want kisses and dates,” he says. “You do too…right?”

Kurt kisses him softly. “I could never give up the opportunity to do that,” he says shyly. “Or this,” he adds, kissing Blaine a little harder until Blaine grips his jaw and parts his lips, sparks running down his spine as Blaine’s tongue meets his. He always thought it would feel gross to do this, but with Blaine it’s amazing. Kurt lets out an embarrassing whine before pulling away. “Okay enough of that, what would my father say?”

“Good point,” Blaine agrees, hopping off Kurt’s bed to sit at his vanity instead. “We’re going to get better at this, I promise,” he says. “In fact, tomorrow we’re going to watch Project Runway in our lounge clothes and eat popcorn and critique all the worst outfits and we’re not going to worry about whether we look presentable or not because we’re comfortable enough with each other to look a little silly and still want to kiss each other during the commercial breaks, okay?”

“That is a very detailed plan and I’m impressed you said it all in one breath,” Kurt says. “Except we’ll be kissing during more than just the commercial breaks, of course.”