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You know, having free time is great right up until someone asks what you've been doing with it. Like, school has been out for two weeks now and okay technically I was still working some of last week, just to finish a few things and submit grades, but other than that? I've actually not done a single thing besides running to the store for some groceries. And I know that summer is only just beginning, but for a teacher, I swear it feels like it's over as soon as it starts. Maybe that's just me, though, because I have so many ideas that the time just flies by. Anyway, how's y'alls summer been going?

Okay, please tell me you aren't actually feeling guilty for doing absolutely nothing. You survived the school year—running to the store for groceries is practically a major achievement right now. But I totally get what you mean about summer flying by. The second that final bell rings, the countdown clock starts ticking at double speed. It's a total trap. Though, if you're already bursting with all these ideas, you clearly have way too much energy left over. If you want a fun distraction to help you pass the time, you should just text me. My summer has mostly been a lot of sitting around, and I could definitely use some company.

You see, that's exactly why I'll probably always be hesitant to move up to teaching any grade higher than maybe third or fourth. I just don't think I can handle preteens or teenagers in the classroom full time. I did it a few times when I was still working as a substitute and that was definitely an experience. Anyway, I hope my company was enough of a distraction though! So you got any fun plans for the summer now that school is over?

Your company was definitely the highlight of the week. The essays were brutal, but at least I finally powered through the whole stack. Took me until midnight one night because I kept putting it off, but we got there eventually. As for summer plans… I’m keeping it pretty lowkey so far. Lots of hiking with Winston, catching up on sleep, and trying not to think about lesson planning for next year just yet. What about you?

The gummy worms are winning because you've given them all the leverage.

The gummy worms absolutely had me hostage for way longer than I care to admit. School’s been out since the 5th and I still didn’t finish grading those essays for another three days. It was actually painful. I kept telling myself “just one more piece of candy and I’ll power through” and then I’d end up doom-scrolling instead. Took me until midnight one night to finally finish the last batch. So yeah… I survived. Barely. How about you?

Wow, I'm doubly qualified huh? That's impressive! As long as they're better at relationships that I was in high school the advice can't be all bad. Sounds like their relationships and my previous ones are pretty similar sadly. They tend to drop their kids and leave, as if it's a daycare or something. I've also had parents get super mad when books their kid wants are checked out or unavailable. Just a lot of entitlement. Oh man that would be so much fun! Between working at the library and dealing with book signing events over the years, I have plenty of stories.

The entitlement is next level with some of these parents. I’ve had them email me weeks after the school year ended demanding I change a grade because “their child is very gifted and this will ruin their future.” Like ma’am, your kid called emotional cheating “just a vibe thing.” But yeah, I’m down to trade horror stories sometime. Between the library chaos and high school drama, we could probably write a whole book.

Damn, sorry, I don't think I can help you. Now, if you said you had a bag of Sour Patch Kids, that'd be a super different story and I'd almost have to come over and nab some from you. But, hey, at least your candy's safe!

Okay, please explain how those are any different from sour gummy worms — other than shape. They’re both literally sour gummies. Same texture, same sugar rush, same tooth-rotting experience. I’m genuinely curious what makes one more worthy than the other. Enlighten me.

Honestly, grading essays sounds like one of those tasks where I'd be bargaining with myself too.

You just perfectly described my current psychological state. I am currently in a full-blown hostage negotiation with a candy bag, and the gummy worms are winning. I’m riding the wave of the sugar high right now, but the clock is seriously ticking. School ends in literally, like, two days, so there's no pushing this off to next week—if I hit the crash before I finish these essays, I'm going to be stuck here until midnight on the last day of school entering grades. Maybe later... I've been really bad with procrastination this week.

Look, sour gummy worms may not be my all time favorite candy, but they're definitely in at least the top ten, so how can I pass on an offer like that? Especially with a good friend, so it's good company. And since I don't teach a grade that gives papers, I have a decent amount of free time outside of school hours. What are the essays on?

A top-ten ranking is still high enough to justify a rescue mission. Get your keys and get over here, I'm begging you! But to answer your question, they're the final reflection essays for the semester—I had them analyze their own daily screen time data and map out a realistic digital detox plan for the summer. Thought it'd be fun and creative, instead I get 25 different essays about how they'd die with TikTok.

Oh yea I can read English, that's what my bachelor's degree is actual. It's also been quite a while since I've been in a healthy relationship though, so maybe these teens have some solid advice or something for me. Oh please, the library can be anything but peaceful sometimes. I work in the children's section, and sometimes these parents are so disrespectful and ridiculous! I'm happy to give you some toddler playtime though with my little social butterfly.

You’re basically qualified to handle both the grammar disasters and the psychological fallout of these papers. Though, trust me, if you’re looking to high schoolers for relationship insight, you're in trouble. Unless your ideal partner is someone who communicates exclusively via text, gets offended when you ask what they want for dinner, and calls everything 'toxic.' How ridiculous are we talking? Seriously though, parents are wild creatures. One of these days, we'll have to swap horror stories about entitled parents.

As long as you don't mind a 14 month old wandering around your classroom and trying to steal some of those gummy worms, I am happy to act as a distraction. I don't blame you for wanting to hold off grading those, they don't sound fun to read. If they were English essays, I would've happily helped you, but health is out of my area of experience.

Seriously, don't sell yourself short on the health front. If you can read English—which, working at a library I assume you can—you can handle these. I'm honestly just looking for full sentences that don't include the phrase 'you just feel it, you know?' But fine, if I can't trick you into grading duty, you can just sit there, eat the worms, and tell me how peaceful the town library is compared to this circus we call high school while I get some toddler play-time.

That is a very tempting offer indeed. Sour candy is always superior. How badly do you want to be distracted? I could make that whole bag disappears rather quickly. What essays do you have to grade?

The bar for distractions is literally so low right now. I would probably have more fun watching paint dry over reading reproductive health essays on 'healthy relationship boundaries,' which means I am currently reading twenty-five variations of teenagers using the word 'vibes' to explain emotional maturity. Please give me whatever gossip or functional adult vocabulary you have. I am begging you.

Since we're near the end of the year and don't have much left, I decided to do a Star Wars Week with my class — showing movies on the 4th, 5th, and the 6th. Episode IV: wonder and excitement Episode V: lightsaber duels at recess Episode VI: officially lost control of my classroom I started this just thinking it would be a fun, low-key thing for the end of the school year. Instead, I now have a room full of tiny Jedi, one very passionate Sith Lord, and at least six kids making “woosh woosh” noises at all times. I regret nothing.

That's actually kind of genius, even if I can already see the lightsaber duels turning into a full-blown tactical nightmare. Hey, at least they’re engaged, right? It’s way better than the end-of-year zombie stare where they just check out completely.

I’m not sure the "undying love" will count for much if your heart is beating at 200 BPM while you're just sitting on your couch. Is it actually decent coffee or is it just twenty pumps of syrup masquerading as a caffeine fix? Because one of those I can respect; the other belongs in a trash can.