Adulting is..

I haven’t used this for almost 2-3 years. I don’t feel like I’ve missed much but at the same time so much has happened and I don’t even know how to type something without sounding like some whiny emo kid. 

I was just reflecting on a song we used to sing at worship. I remember the first time I heard it, it was kind of in one ear and then out the other, but in thinking about what’s happening in my life lately and how I’m responding to these events just leaves some personal questions for me.

Isaiah 40: 27-31 (both the verses and the song) says:

27 Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, “My way is hidden from the Lord, and my right is disregarded by my God”? 28 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. 29 He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. 30 Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; 31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Starting from verse 27 as I analyze what’s going on in my life lately, I find it very easy for myself to think that the desires of my heart are unheard or ignored by God.

Right now I feel verse 30 is describing me to a “T” as a “youth” who’s grown tired, weary and exhausted due to present circumstances and struggles. I’m tired in general (recovering from a small cold), and I'm frustrated with being unable to play drums for worship night or worship in general, for the rejected relationship, for not being able to student teach in the city and school I want to teach at, for having to essentially wait 2 years to start working while most of my community and friends have jobs that allow them to do so many cool things, and most of all, the fact that one of my best friends has not said a word to me in about three weeks when he’s been struggling and also for a time when I need him the most.

And then I read verse 31. I recall 2 weeks ago when my pastor talked about patience and how impatience reveals a distrust of God. Am I weary because I don't trust God? Why am I so easily affected by my circumstances?  Why is my heart so stubborn in refusing to be patient and letting Him work in me? Things only look rougher from here. 

Still trying to process everything the past week. Saw her a couple of times over the weekend - she seems to be ok, as if nothing happened. I still feel a little bit awkward though. 

I want to be ok again, and I want to hang out with her like I used to but part of me is still afraid. I'm afraid of making her an idol, of misplacing my feelings and heart with someone who won't return them, of awkward interactions, of keeping a void in my heart that needs to be filled by Christ, and of creating misinterpretation of my actions with or around her.  I still care about her a lot, I want to still be able to love her as a close friend and sister in Christ, but what's stopping me? What do I do from here?

I got to talk to an older, married, brother today and he shared a lot about the same struggles he had with rejection and how he went through and felt a lot of the same things I described to him. He had so much great wisdom, and it was great having him pray for me, but its just decoding a lot of it that will take some time and there's so much to think about. 

There are so many things my heart wants where it's not seeking God, and that scares me. I have so many idols in my life and I don't understand why it's so hard for me to lay them down and give them to Him. Whether it's my desire to play drums for worship again, or with relationships, things that I want, why do I focus so much on them over the One who created and gives all of these things? I am so broken in so many areas of my life, and yet He still loves me no matter how much my heart has rejected Him as he passionately pursues me. 

Our pastor talked about patience today at church and I realize how much of an embodiment of impatience I truly am. There's so many times I feel I have to take things into my own hands - grumbling in my heart and not waiting on God's timing, evidence of my lack of trust in His plans. I have battled impatience my entire life and I wonder if it can ever stop. 

I never really thought about the feelings that came after being rejected by someone you really liked and wanted to date. I had plans I wanted to see happen, but I guess I have to store them away. It's probably why so many of us are afraid to even try or ask anyone out. I can't even focus on my schoolwork after all of this and it's a really bad time for it.  

I know that there will be healing in time, but I'm lost in terms of what happens next. I miss hanging out with her - seeing her smile, hearing her laugh, her boba cravings. But for her sake and mine, I guess it's not the best thing for us to hang out right now. I want to talk to her but that's also probably a really bad idea right now. Everyone tells me where things go from here is all on me and how I deal with this, but I don't even know how much space she needs or how much I need and how uncomfortable she is now.  I wish I could have added more to our talk when I asked her, because everything seems so unclear right now. 

I wonder about my maturity. I don't know whether I'm looking into it too much when she said she just sees me as a younger brother, but I hope I've grown in my faith and in my decisions this past year. Have I failed greatly in that regard where other people see I'm not ready or worthy for certain things? On that note should I even really care what they say? I'm loved by an almighty God with wisdom beyond wisdom. But am I growing in Him? Have I been growing in Him? 

Was my heart in the right place in this pursuit? Was I too emotionally invested in her? Is that why a part of me feels broken? 

I am told and I am aware that this occurs all the time with other people too, and with time this will all be a distant memory, but that doesn't lessen the current blow. 

So..I need to write this to process what happened today. Everything still feels surreal. Today was a first for me in that I finally intentionally asked a girl out. I planned a lot of it out with some friends and my guys in my small group, but ultimately she said no because she said she didn't think of me in that way, she saw me as a younger brother and isn't in a good place to date right now. I promised her and myself that if her answer was no that things between us would stay as they are, but right now, and I guess it's natural, there is still a lot of pain I'm feeling and trying to process right now. 

Before I asked her, I had been praying to continue to trust in God and his planning and timing no matter what her answer was. While it is clear to me that God has closed this door, I can't help but feel broken in this. All I know right now is that I need prayer with a mixture of space and talking with people. It's such a weird dichotomy and I hate having this mixture of emotions but this is one of those times where I really need to trust God's plans over my own and it's so very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very difficult. 

Feels like a lot is happening on the horizon. I definitely don't update this enough due to laziness or apathy, but I guess I should get in the habit again. 

Busy day today. I had training for small group leading today. Such a   blessing to be at a church where I can embrace discipleship - both being one and learning how to disciple others. I asked a good older friend of mine if he'd be willing to disciple me and he said yes, so I'm looking forward to see how God speaks to me and grows me through him.  In the same manner, I hope I can do the same with the guys in my group. I see so much potential in them all and I hope that I can treat them all as my apprentices by investing in them. There's so much I still have to learn. 

Got to spend most of the day adventuring in SF with a good friend and some of her homies from college.  There's just a lot of processing and thinking I really want/need to do after the whole experience. Still have a lot to learn about dealing with people relationship wise too. I feel like I make so many mistakes in dealing with it - which I definitely do, but need to realize how much of God's grace I need because of it. Also, there's a matter of prayer about a decision I may make or want to make. There's just a lot of fear in the decision or attempt to make the decision. Although I have to ask, would I hate myself more if I go through with the decision and fail? Or if I don't go through with the decision at all and possibly miss out on something because I played it "safe"? These past couple of days have been such a whirlwind of activity and conviction for me. Friday was such a valuable experience where we had a panel at our young adult group by some married couples. Their transparency, openness to talk, and wisdom, just made an impact on the way I'm trying to approach relationships with people and examining my own motives and heart especially with relationships of the opposite gender. That is still something I'm walking through and will be a journey. All I know is that I don't want to enter into any relationship for self-gratification - I want to enter it knowing I can a) lead the other person towards Christ more and more each day whether that means living life with them or loving selflessly, b) serve together with them in ministry,  c) I can bless them with my gifts and talents, and d) that I can unconditionally love them and myself for who God made them and me to be. Faults and all. 

Other random update, grad school is a lot trickier to manage than I thought it would be but it's definitely a matter of perseverance. It feels lonely at times, but I want to remember God is with me in all of it and I want to see Him work in me in this program. I hope I can be the teacher my students need and be graceful with them and help them understand how loved and how valuable they are. Just wish there wasn't so much paperwork involved. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xANiW9yWvGE