doppelwertig

About the importance of beloved objects

In 2012 I bought a bracelet and had my master put it on me. Even though I parted with my necklace and collar, I couldn't part with the stainless steel around my wrist. I don't even like the strict feeling of metal...but it's soaked in memories. It is now rusty, grimy and can hardly be closed properly.

The thought of getting rid of the bracelet tore me up years ago. I wasn't ready. Probably also out of pain about how much I missed what I had in this relationship. So I've tried reframing for the last few years. But how effective is changing your thinking with an object that was placed on you by someone who is still so close to your heart?

I have to at least replace it. It took some research, but then I found a bracelet that looked identical. Ultimately, I love the style and meaning too much to part with a look that suits me. It will be here in a few days.

I wanted to give the old bracelet to the river we sat by so often. At first I planned to just walk a few meters to the river part in my city, but it is more correct to visit the place where it all began.

New and old

It is said that it takes the body 7 to 10 years to completely replace all of its cells. However, the skin cells are recreated after just a few weeks. In May it will be 7 years for this body. I always liked the idea that soon there wouldn't be a cell in my body that he touched - a kind of cellular new beginning. Even if the descendants may vaguely remember the bittersweet touches.

With these clammy feelings, I got off the train and stumbled to the new display board, which didn't exist the last time I was there. I no longer knew in which direction the small island in the river that I wanted to go to later was. Luckily this map existed. I planned the route like this: to his old apartment, then through some backstreets, on to the island and then to one of the train stations, depending on what felt right later.

Just walking a few meters on the platform tore me apart. Here I was often picked up or send home accompanied by a small dog...time for a certain song.

Ewigheim - …

On the way to the old apartment it became more and more difficult. I couldn't see the old porch because of the now very tall hedges - but the entrance at the back offered the same barren sight as before. Even the black dirt seemed to still adorn the same parts of the house wall.

I saw the crack where we found the lost cat under the balcony and the outline of the old rusty bicycle popped up in the driveway.

Die Heart - Eins (feat. 8Kids)

It was time. I said goodbye to the apartment and chose a new song. Shuffle gets you the right thing. This part of the journey, especially with this song, was hard. Tears formed as I slowly had to pass a train stop. Some guy pointed his phone camera at me. I stared up angrily, but continued on, undeterred.

Soon the climax of the song was approaching and I wanted to scream so much, but I can't. “That’s what my soul sounds like,” I thought. She croaks from all the internal screaming.

So just keep going. I wanted to be close to the river, so I had to go to a place where countless dogs are walked. Two people and their worried animals eyed me as I headed towards the front of the river island, bundled up and with a red face.

All the way to the sea

I had worn the bracelet until now, but I could hardly feel it due to the thick winter padding. I pulled out my phone. I wanted to capture the location of the river: dirty-looking rapids where the water roared past me with incredible force. Then take off the bracelet and take a photo of it at the location. Great, no problem at all.

Now put the cell phone away - “Oh, change the song first”. I anxiously fumbled the phone in and out a few times.

TANZWUT – Meer

I knelt down and held the shimmering stainless steel ring in my hands. Somehow I wanted to let go - to stop being so attached to this person. I remembered the beautiful moments, all the things I miss and the things for which I haven't yet found suitable new people. But my heart should be open to it.

Big tears and the snottiest snot in a long time burst out of me. I just let everything go. This is probably the sadness that only the sea can contain.

I longed for the sea.

TANZWUT – Bis zum Meer feat. Moran Magal

After killing two more tissues, I prepared to put the bracelet in the river with a new song. I didn't want to throw it, I wanted to dip it in slowly and then let it go, feeling the cold water on my fingers.

It took me a while to gather the courage I needed. My fingers were already completely cold when I left it to the waves. I immediately lost sight of it. Tears streamed down my cheeks again.

Although I couldn't promise myself that it would be the last time I shed tears over this person, I at least knew that all the water in the world would be there for me.

My gaze lingered on the waves for a while until I decided to leave. I disposed of the small ball of snot flags in the nearest wastebasket and began the slow walk back to the train stop. I didn't care when the next train came. Just wait there and see.

Longing

An incredible longing for the Baltic Sea spread within me. Actually, there's nothing I'd rather do right now than take the next train and stare at the sea for a few days. But I have responsibilities and obligations.

"Jin-Roh" Original Soundtrack - Grace Omega by Mizoguchi Hajime

Today was the day. I lay down again in the morning because I like sleeping alone. It regenerates more energy.

But this time I woke up from a dream hyperventilating. In short, the dream ended with a blatant rejection of the help I wanted to provide. I really wanted to help - improve the situation. The reaction was so hateful towards me as a person, violently keeping me away. My counterpart mutated monstrously and I held still. I endured. As usual in dreams, the location changed.

I was alone now and tried to scream. It didn't work - as always. Just hoarse, desperate breaths. I heard a door open and knew my husband was entering. It was okay that he heard it, so I kept trying. I woke up breathing heavily. He had actually come into the room and picked up clothes for the day.

I stayed behind under the blankets. He didn't ask any questions, just said goodbye at some point and left the house.

I got up and got the small envelope. I opened it carefully, cutting it up instead of tearing it open. One grip and I had the new bracelet in my fingers. It looked roughly like the old one. Nobody but me would probably know the difference. But it is different. It feels fragile, somewhat shaky and fragile. Some of the bolts that are supposed to hold it together are loose and wobbling. The ball closure does not lie completely flat in the cavity.

As a result, it doesn't close properly and is easy to loosen. It feels like a cheap copy.

My first thought was whether I should keep looking until I found the same bracelet as before. One that is really just the same. But why? Doesn't this one look visually correct? Of course I don't know whether it will last another 12 years. Even if it is not worn daily, as it was at the beginning of its last life. There is no such purpose for this bracelet. It should be a conscious companion. Maybe even nothing more than a fashion accessory that shows my love for BDSM.

Final Thoughts

As I type these words into my phone, I keep pausing and running my fingertips over the bumpy metal ring. Other than a quick check to make sure it's the same size, I didn't put the bracelet on. It's lying locked in front of me and I don't dare put it on. I've long since broken the river promise on in the last few weeks and it just keeps hurting. I don't like that it hurts all the time, but I feel quite extradited. And stupid, because this has probably been the subject of therapy a hundred times since 2018.

Dozens of times I thought that it was just a transference of feelings from childhood. That it's finally over since I visited two of these childhood people and more or less spoke out. But one of them is still missing, because he died when I was a teenager. Maybe this conflict, which was never ended on equal terms, is the root of all fear of rejection, refuse and also the source of longing...

And what do we do now, little bracelet?