I'll eat you up, i love you so much.

I am a mosaic of everyone I have ever known and loved and touched and I find fragments of them in my playlists and how I make my tea. we may not know each other any more but we will stay connected like this. I hope a fragment of me is with you too.

in between the morning coffee you need to find time to eat something healthy for breakfast so hopefully you prepared something the night before. on the commute over, are you listening to the right podcasts? are you taking the time to educate yourself? are you meditating on today's words of affirmation? in between the emails you have to send and the items you have to organize you have to find time to clean your apartment, the dishes are piling up again and you haven't taken out the trash yet. oh, right, you've been meaning to get your tires checked, you should make a note to check your tires soon. the problem is that you have been meaning to get back into journaling and you want to write down all your memories because your brain is a sieve and if you don't write it down you're going to forget it. speaking of which at some point today you need to get groceries. somewhere between work and dinner you need to find time to exercise. are you eating right? are you getting enough protein? walk the dog when you get home. listen to a book on tape that's kind of hard to get through. are you doing self care? did you remember to pick up your meds? you didn't order your new contacts yet, you need to order your new contacts or they'll be late coming in. did you save up enough money to order a new pair of glasses? will your insurance cover any of this. oh, while you're making dinner, don't forget, you promised you'd follow up with your friends. you promised! wait, did that email send? you haven't been able to find time to put up those shelves yet, jesus christ, this whole apartment is a mess. you need to do more creative things, don't you, otherwise you get depressed. find the time to do something creative per diem. other people can do this! you're just lazy and overwhelmed easily. your clothes are on the floor still, like a slob. you need to water your plants. find time to google all the needs of your plants so you don't kill them. oh, you need to make something healthy for breakfast or you're gonna end up eating something weird again. shit, you forgot to get groceries again. you need to get the tires checked. you've been having headaches, is that a symptom? you need to find time to clean the apartment - just 15 minutes! that's what everyone says! - but also remember that you're supposed to be doing yoga at this hour for wind-down time. make your hands busy. did you go to the gym? did you do something creative? are you breathing? are you even listening? this is easy for other people. this is just adulthood. this is just being a good person. holy shit other people can do this stuff. you still haven't watered your plants. get up, bitch!! get out of bed. you don't have time for this. you don't have your own time, at all. it's just this. running, heart hammering, hand to the door. don't be still, ever, you'll get stuck. stop resting, you don't have time. get up. get up. get up.