Don't Worry Sailor

There's a balance or an idea of one in my head, between being in the place you need to be and going where life pulls you. I don't want to spend my time mulling over my mind and where that consistently changing landscape is in that specific moment. Not out of fear or uninterest but knowing what I'd be missing if spent all my time in my head. I mean I know my perception of everything is going to be filtered through my own mind, so youre always in your head but I mean literally just staying in out of some deluded obligation to the swirling shit I've made a project out of. Maybe it's made a project out of me. It gets to the point where you cant understand because you're not experiencing anything because you're operating at maximum capacity to understand little amounts of your spewing confusion and apathy for what's gone on already. Like back when you were ready and willing to be open to it all and then you experienced some shit that made you want to wall yourself off. Maybe not physically but find ways to build moats and trenches for other shit to fall into before it gets to the real you. So yeah you're done getting fucked up by stuff but youre not actually alive. But youre not devoid of hope. You know you can get back to where you at least were sharing yourself with the world. Maybe even let it get to the real you. It's just not your nature. And that makes you feel like a fucking raccoon wearing a wolf skin everytime there's that moment to be in life and it just skates past your face like a landing that's called off at the last second. Beer needs to metabolize slower

I haven't written anything in a moment So yeah-still alive, fears anxiety opposite sex have yet to end my spotty existence contrary to what my mind tells. Here's to not knowing what's up, especially when that horrible maelstrom of dumpster water you think is just over the horizon hasn't come close and you realize you're just looking for anything frightening to shunt your spastic little self into. Because you only know how to be tweaked out about the next thing, never living in the moment with your eyes wide. All day spent validating your high blood pressure with illusions of the best tomorrow when you already know your living a better one today. the world you choose to be trapped in isn't the one you actually inhabit you tit ^note to self