Don't Send Me

There are so many things that I want to say, but you don’t let me. Every time I try, it’s either me being insecure, whiny, nagging, unsupportive, insecure, jealous, dramatic or some other buzzword that you know will effect me in a negative way.

I can’t win with you, no matter how hard I try.

Today, for example, you tell me I’m being unsupportive—yet every chance I tried to show some support, to have you let me in, to take interest, to be caring, to be there—you wouldn’t let me. In fact, you told me it was weirding you out. Then when I tell you how I feel, you tell me I’m being whiny.

Last night you gave me such crap for bringing up Leah, and doubting this draw you have to her; you combated it with telling me that you have “no plans to talk to her soon or again,” and you needed me to be accepting of that. Yet, less than 12 hours later, you’re talking to her. Am I wrong to then have questions? You seem to have no problem breaking your promises to me whenever they’re in regards to her. I’m not sure what this connection you have to her is, but eventually, the knot you insist on keeping with Leah is going to be what unravels us. No, it’s not because of jealousy, and no it’s not because of insecurity, but rather because you have shown me that my needs and emotions don’t register above her overall presence. You say you want a future with me, but you’re letting your past prevent it from happening. 

I’m tired of this feeling like I have to fight for your attention, for your gratitude, your appreciation. You treat me like you’re mother that you’re spending your teenage years trying to get away from. I’m tired of the double standard that you place upon me in so many ways. I’m tired of the way you walk away from conversations because you decide you’re over it. I’m tired of you being the one to blow things up out of proportion, but always finding a way to make it my fault.

This entire relationship has been me fighting for us. It was me who gave you the ultimatum in May, because you tried to keep me, us, a secret. It was me who wanted to take steps forward over the summer. It was me who fought for us when you decided to push me away for two months, simply because you we’re too ashamed to confide in me. It was me who always gave in to what you wanted to do to make you happy, it was me who constantly went downtown because you’d never come up town, it was me who pushed you for three days to not give up when you we’re upset about Steve (and when the situation was reversed—and worse—you got upset with me when I wasn’t over it within two hours), it was me who spent the last night pleading with you to give this another chance. It is always me. It always has been. I have always been the only one fighting. 

The one instance I remember of you really trying was when I told you I had doubts, because the good wasn’t out weighing the bad. You showed up with a flower, and a coffee, and asked me to take a walk so we could talk. We walked and you reassured me that things would change, you promised, because this mattered to you, and you would do whatever it took to prove that the good would always outweigh the bad. Now, well, now you thrive off the bad, you just take me for granted. You believe that no matter how badly you treat me, how hurtful the things you say are, no matter how many promises you break, threats you hold over my head, or words you go back on, or double standards you force down my throat, that in spite of all of it, at the end of the day, I’ll still be there.

You take me for granted, and you don’t respect me.

I guess I just really want to feel like you ACTUALLY want to talk to me, which I really don't feel at all. I understand that you're busy and trying to enjoy your time there, but I don't feel it's too much to ask that you just take ten minutes and write to me, let me know what you're doing.

I know we are physically at a distance, but I don't want to feel that emotionally we are too. You don't have time to respond to me anything loving, but you have time to read my tumblr and ask questions. Not too sure how I feel about that. I guess on one hand you're reading into me, and on the other, you're avoiding direct contact with me.

Okay, maybe that's being a little too sensitive. 

I feel like things are off to a rocky start.

My high from our mushy conversation has worn off and i’m just not so patiently awaiting more communication from you, you still haven’t even responded to my message on Friday, though, i’ve asked you multiple times. I feel like I’m just nagging you by constantly asking, but at the same time it’s not a comforting feeling to have put my heart out there like that and get nothing in return.

Even your messages while I’m away, though you know they need to be a bit longer and detailed they are no more than two lines. You’re one of the main reasons I bought internet today.

I’m doing all I can to really bite my tongue about Kristy commenting on photos, and not Kate too? It’s like my worst nightmares are coming true again. I guess I need to back off a little, but man I just really wish I was getting a bit more from you.

I have to think of the long term things—you’re moving in. You want to spend the summer together. These things, I know, are more important and hold more meaning than someone liking your Facebook picture. I just hate that she is with you and I’m not. 

I cannot wait until this GFI is over and you’re back to travel on your own. At least this way I know that none of the people you’re meeting, you’ll meet again once back in NY.

I also wonder if you talk about me at all, like, when they ask where you’re living if you say UES, or maybe that’s just me being protective. 

Yesterday I was terrified.

I couldn't get this idea out of my head that you were with her. When I saw everyone else online except for you, I would be constantly checking her page just holding my breath, waiting for a new photo to be uploaded. 

Finally we got to talk, and I let some of it slip, and I didn't think the conversation would be okay. I thought it was headed for doom. You came at me, and I didn't react, I put us back on that right path, and then you helped guide us down it until it became a paved road.

We had such a perfect conversation, I felt so good, so secure. That when I was falling asleep and I naturally went to look at her page again, suddenly; I just didn't care.

Sending you that message was perfect. I feel that you now know exactly where I am coming from, you understand it just as well as I do. You now understand me just as well as I do. While I will wait for you to respond, and while I know we wont talk for a few days not that you're out of WiFi range, I feel confident. I feel okay. My anxiety isn't running me.

Maybe this was exactly what we needed. 

I want everything with you, I want the world with you. Even when we FaceTimed, just seeing your face was exactly what I needed. Just hearing your voice was perfect.

I'm terrified to be leaving tomorrow and taking this journey, I feel better knowing that we're better.

I fucking love you.

It's so hard when there is so much that I want to say to you, but I feel that I can't even get a word out. 

You are sending such mixed signals, and I'm not sure how to read them anymore on my own, but when I come to you all you tell me is that it's my insecurities getting the best of me and just dismiss it as such. 

I keep saying it's not, but lets be fair--maybe it's a combination of insecurity and confusion. I know you say that you want to be with me, that you're coming home to me, and I don't doubt that. But it's hard to believe that you want this future together, and to see it clearly, when you don't even have the time to talk to me about your day, or say "I love you" in return. Maybe you believe that we are so solid that you don't have to constantly reaffirm it, because you keep saying that you're tired of having to do that. However, the reality of the situation is, that we aren't the solid, at least not in my mind.

So much was said before you left, and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel, or how I'm supposed to be acting. i want to do what is best by you, but equally as much I want to do what is best for me. You said nothing changed, however, so much has changed. You tell me you want communication, you want to know what I'm up too, you want to know the things going on with me, but then you tell me you simply don't have time for me, though you said it in many more words than that.

To say you simply don't have time to speak to me, you're saying that you don't even have five minutes to spare daily to ensure my comfort. I think that may be the most painful realization of all. You act as though I am this chore that you have to do, something you couldn't manage to talk yourself out of, and the language you use to support this is hurtful. Hurtful to the point where you make me feel almost regretful that I fought for us. I view it as strength, I exerted my passions, my commitment, and fought for what I wanted: you. However you use this event to almost demean me, to insinuate that you are the king and I am the mistress that you decide to stay with.

I have insecurities, yes, but who doesn't? Do I let them control me? Probably more than I should, yes. However that doesn't give you a blank check to ridicule me for it. Treat me as you're equal, treat me as the women you're in love with and want a future with. Not as something you got stuck with.