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@dontcallmeanythingplz
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laughing about the idea of ilya over time being able to predict when shane is going to be brainstorming late into the night and then waking him up about something. shane has A Specific Look when this is going to happen, and ilya knows that even fucking him stupid isn't going to save him from being shaken awake at 3 am to have rapid-fire english happen at him.
someone at dinner is talking about the complexities of funeral arrangements and how hard it is to organize everything when already grieving and ilya sees The Look happening on shane's face at his side and is then just
knowing he's going to get woken up at fuck o'clock tonight to talk about the fully-detailed options of cremation versus burial shane is going to run past him.
the only preparation he can do is to wear his wedding ring to bed so when he wakes up he remembers that he loves this man even when he's yanking him out of a rem cycle to take him through a verbal powerpoint.
Don't forget about the importance of a will. Ilya is an orphan and knows all about how complicated that can get and suddenly Shane wants to get their will written and notarized on their next day off.
Head canon
When Shane and Ilya get publicly outed, Ellen DeGeneres invites them on her show. She has them play a friendly Newlyweds Game and donates like $50k to the Irina Foundation.
But in true Ellen DeGeneres fashion, her 'big surprise' will be something like "One last surprise! We wanted the happy couple to be with their family! Shane's parents are here, but we flew someone here all the way from Russia who has waited years to see Ilya again!! It's Andrei, Ilya's brother and Shanes future brother in-law!"
And the camera just pans to Shane and Ilya who look like deer in the headlights.
(Ellen DeGeneres always does juuuuust enough research on her guests to be confidently wrong)
Ugh if only the Heated Rivalry timeline was like 10 years earlier then they would have had landline phones.
Then after they get married, Ilya could change their answering machine to say "This is the Hollander-Rozanov's and WE will never listen to your message."
It's not as funny if he does it on his own personal cellphone 😭
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Has anyone brought up the fact that hockey culture has absolutely desensitized Shane and Ilya to bloody mouths and losing teeth?
Which means when their kids are 5 and have their first wiggly tooth, Daddy and Papa will both be like "Just yank it." And their 5 year old will be in tears scared and Shane and Ilya will have to feign sympathy because they just don't see the big deal in losing a tooth. Like it's not even a grown up tooth? And yanking it isn't even violent? It probably won't even really bleed that much?
My Ilya would have convinced the CCM marketing team to do a joint commercial every year so that he and Shane had one quickie every summer.
The worst thing about Shane and Ilya being long distance during their hook up era is that Shane didn't see Ilya's stunning airport look and Ilya didn't see Shane's stunning aquarium look with a baby as an accessory.
I hate that for them. Life is cruel.
Let’s slow-blink at each other like cats ฅ^>⩊<^ ฅ
I feel like I should leave and give them privacy
Me: I have a whole scene playing in my head, dialogue and everything
Also me: opens laptop, types "the man walked into the room" and stares at it for 45 minutes
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I just don't think we're talking about Shane at the aquarium enough
But it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it 24 hours a day.
So I think the way you know you suck at hockey (at the professional level, I know no one in the NHL actually sucks) is if you’re playing poorly and Shane Hollander is still nice to you. “You you did good out there, man. No sweat.” He’s mean to the players who have potential (“What the FUCK were you thinking Haas?”), or the really good players fucking up on bad nights. He doesn’t even talk to his husband out at Monks after Rozanov missed his pass on the power play (“I set it up perfectly for you, Ilya, if you’d just admit it then maybe I could help you fix it for next time—“) but he’s asking you about the kids and where you go for Christmas. You’re never getting off the fourth line bud. Actually, Hollander just bought you a beer, which means you’ll be back in the minors next week.
Which means he's polite to Tanner Dillon. I repeat. He's nice to Tanner Dillon.
I will never let Tanner Dillon rest.
I know people like the idea of Shane telling Ilya he's autistic and Ilya's just like "yes? I know this? why are you telling me?"
and while I do believe Ilya would be chill with it bc he already knows Shane's autistic quirks, I have and love the idea of Shane being so worried about his reaction that he accidently makes Ilya think he was diagnosed with some kind of terminal illness and believe Shane is dying for a solid couple minutes before Shane clarifies that he just gets sensory overloads and likes routines
Wait a minute, I'm opening a Word document rn
I wasn't kidding, I couldn't stop thinking about this post lol. I added angst because I am a drama queen 👑
https://archiveofourown.org/works/88369241
I think the day Ilya finds out that Shane shared fries with Rose Landry is going to be tense.
In fact, I bet Rose Landry will accidentally out Shane. They catch a dinner with Rose in LA after an Ottawa game.
Ilya "Sorry for the boring dinner, you know how Shane gets during the season."
Rose "Oh trust me I know. We shared fries when we met so I didn't realize his diet until I was fully charmed. He must think carbs are flirting."
Shane's eyes start bugging out of his head because he's never told Ilya that he had fries with Rose.
Ilya "Rose. Not to be rude, but I must go."
...later that night.
Shane "It's not what you think! I was nervous and confused about so many things and I didn't know how to say no."
Ilya "I don't even know who you are anymore..."
I know without a doubt that Ilya was active on the Shane Hollander subreddit.
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NHL Awards Coordinator "We wrote a script for you and Shane Hollander. We don't expect you to be actors. There will be a teleprompter too so don't worry about memorizing anything either."
Ilya "What if I ask Hollander for a selfie like as a joke?"
Coordinator "What?"
Ilya "I'm just kidding...unless?"
Coordinator "Literally what?"
Ilya "Write it in the script or me and Hollander will refuse to present together. My father is police by the way."
Coordinator "I'll see what I can do."
Ignore me, I'm just making scenes up at this point.
PSA: It's Shane and Ilya's wedding anniversary so don't expect them to respond to your texts or emails.
They'll get back to y'all tomorrow.
