—

we’re safe for the moment

saved for the moment

I turned the corner in the back hall way at work trembling. Alex saw me coming up with a huge dumb smile on his face like he often had, always the jokester, however he realized something was wrong.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“It’s kind of weird what just happened.”

“You look a little shook up…”

“Yeah, I just kind of had a flood of memories come back to me all of the sudden.”

—

when someone great is gone

We used to spend countless summer nights having sleepovers at my friend’s house. His parents were always pretty accommodating to us kids and somewhat hands off whenever a group of us would stay over. Unlimited soda. Large TVs. Video games. Their pool.

A lot of my initial understanding of social bonding beyond just my nuclear family began on those endless sleepovers. Listening to Weird Al and watching Snick. Eating as much pizza as possible. ‘Boys being boys’ and challenging each others’ budding masculinity.

His older brother would occasionally join us, generally with an air of being too cool for us kids. He always had a slightly disapproving smirk but you could tell that he enjoyed our company.

There were a couple times where he would goad us into staying up really late and have us watch Public Access Television where women would flash their breasts at Mardi Gras or probably Gasparilla.

“Isn’t she hot? Look at those tits.”

As a bunch of impressionable kids, having someone older and cooler tell you something was also cool was a clear indication of how we should also see the world.

Eventually he introduced me to my first pornography magazine. I distinctly remember women holding honey dippers that were dripping. There was a certain cologne in the magazine that still gives me a particular sense memory.

“Cool, right?”

—

I wish that we could talk about it

but there, that’s the problem

with someone new I could have started

too late for beginnings

you’re smaller than my wife imagined

surprised you were human

there shouldn’t be this ring of silence

but what are the options?

“Hey! Alex was introducing me to a bunch of music. Are you a U2 fan? Can I show you my favorite song by them?”

“Yeah, Alex has good music tastes. Which U2 song do you like? I like most of their older stuff. Eventually they got kind of bland and past their time.”

She pulls up a music video with Bono doing his normal Bono thing. The song was right before they hit the point of no return. Her innocence watching and singing along to the song, looking at me for some sign of approval.

“Yeah… this is a good song.”

“I like this song. It means a lot to me. I think a lot about it when I am going through things.”

We continued to play songs for each other sitting in our remote stockroom, just trying to past the time at work. For my team, this was a form of social bonding, sharing music and trying to introduce people to something that they might really be into. Sharing music continues to be a favorite activity of mine.

—

and it keeps coming

and it keeps coming

and it keeps coming

’til the day it stops

I remember just sitting there crying. I was next to their pool just bawling. I remember his parents consoling me and asking me if I wanted to go home and that my parents were on the way.

I could tell his parents were upset at the whole situation. I had no clue what was happening. I just know that I was upset and was incredibly shaken up.

All these years later and I always had a fond memory him but now it’s like things finally made sense. Without remembering the specifics of the what transpired, I have the emotional impression and understanding to know.

—

the worst is all the lovely weather

i’m stunned it’s not raining

the coffee isn’t even bitter

because what’s the difference

there’s all the work that needs to be done

it’s late for revision

there’s all the time and the planning

and songs to be finished

“It was just so weird. It was like a flood of emotions. I have no clue what happened.”

Alex grabbed my shoulders and wrapped his arms around me. A big hug from a friend was exactly what I needed.

“Are you sure you’re okay? That’s some really deep stuff you’re processing.”

“Yeah, it feels kind of surreal and cathartic. It’s like it just triggered me but now I feel like a different person.”

“I’ve read about stuff like this. It’s just crazy that it happened to you in the middle of the day while at work.”

“Random, right?”

—

I wake up and the phone is ringing

surprised, as it’s early

and that should be a perfect warning

that something’s a problem

to tell the truth, I saw it coming

the way you were breathing

but nothing can prepare you for it

the voice on the other end

“Here! This song is really good. Alex played it for me earlier.”

The humming, repetitive synths started. Next the drum machine’s quick rhythm kicked in. Then the bass line’s foreboding impression of the song’s future melody.

As soon as the lyrics started my mind began to race and I started crying uncontrollably. My face turned red and I started to shake. I sat there and processed a memory that was deep in my head that I hadn’t remembered since it first happened.

—

I wish that we could take about it

but there, that’s the problem

with someone new I could have started

too late for beginnings

the little things that made me nervous

are gone in a moment

I miss the way we used to argue