DONNIE HOLLOW

Paint me like one of your french foxes.

proana is a LIE

Cold hard truth but sadly I seem to bypass all these worries and still continue…

This version is better than the first one

I’m so tired of having disorders that you cant treat and just play and endless game of symptom whackamole

do you still hear the stars?

That’s why I started restricting. I was in an abusive relationship where I wasn’t allowed to take up space, but especially emotional space. I wasn’t allowed to ask for anything, but especially not attention of any kind. Any space I took up, or anything I asked for, was “too much.” I was “too much.” So I had to make myself smaller. I lost 50 pounds in 6 months. I went days without eating, my only calories coming from vodka. I always tried to make it to 100 hours, that was my perfect number. I became underweight. And no matter how small I became, I was still “too much.” She said I was selfish for having an eating disorder. I was not worth it to abuse anymore. I became too difficult because no matter how much I drank, no matter how much I didn’t eat, no matter how much I cut myself, I still had a hard time accepting the abuse. At the time it made me hate myself severely, like why couldn’t I just be better. Then the abuse would finally stop, wouldn’t it? If I stopped needing anything. If I was finally not “too much.” I was discarded when it was not worth it to abuse me anymore but they still took my money and abused me until I gave in and gave it to them. I could never make myself small enough, ever. But I survived. And eventually, I found someone who did not think I was “too much.” Someone who encourages me to eat when I’m hungry. Someone who does not starve me of affection and demand I pay them for that. I found someone who doesn’t hurt me on purpose and make me apologize for that. I made it out alive.