donkey-rider

Silco: I can think of a hundred better uses for my time. But if this is what Zaunites want…

Sevika: Sir, please. It's not too late to call this off.

Silco: Nonsense, Sevika. How better to have a finger on the pulse of the city than through their daily thoughts?

Sevika: … It's not their pulse you'd be fingering, sir.

Silco: Don't be crass.

Sevika: Only warning you, sir. There's filth on there that'd make a streetwalker drop dead.

Silco: Then it shall be educational for all involved.

Sevika: Sweet Janna…

Silco: Let's begin. First off: Twitter user @c0ckw00d.

Sevika: Oh gods, it's even worse than I thought.

Silco: It says here, "Silco, I'm soaking wet for you right now." Well, Twitter user C0ckw00d, you'll be happy to hear that our new water filtration systems are due to be deployed across the Lanes within the week. So if you're soaking wet, at least it's not from your contaminated shower.

Sevika: …

Silco: Next one: @DaddysDirtyGirl. "Silco, I want you to choke me with that big cock of yours." Well, Twitter user DaddysDirtyGirl. If by "choke" you mean "strangle", then you will find that my hands are better suited to improving your quality of life than any other part of my anatomy.

Sevika: Sir, don't encourage them.

Silco: That was a threat, not an encouragement. Next up: @PiltoverPr0nz.

Sevika: No. Don't read that one, sir.

Silco: @PiltoverPr0nz. What a creative handle. Though I have to say, the pornographic content from Piltover is of rather poor quality. Here in Zaun, it would barely qualify as softcore.

Sevika: Sir, stop.

Silco: Our Piltover friend says: "Silco, you can shove your boot up my ass and make me sing soprano." Well, Twitter user Piltoverpr0nz, while I am a proponent of vocal enrichment, I believe a voice coach would be more appropriate than a steel-capped boot.

Sevika: Just stop.

Silco: Come now. It's been remarkably tame so far.

Sevika: It's gonna get worse. Mark my words.

Silco: Ah, a tweet from @Jinx4Prez. I like that handle.

Sevika: Of course you do.

Silco: Jinx's ardent lobbyist has written: "Silco, just letting you know, I'm masturbating to your latest speech and coming my brains out over my keyboard."

Sevika: And there it is.

Silco: While I'm flattered by my speeches having an uplifting effect on our youth, I will remind you, Twitter user Jinx4Prez, that a sticky keyboard will be an impediment to future productivity.

Sevika: This is only going to get worse.

Silco: Next: @Daddys_Little_Monster.

Sevika: Oh gods…

Silco: A lot of Daddy references in these tweets. Interesting. "Silco, I'd ride your cock like I stole it." Well, Twitter user Daddys_Little_Monster, if you'd stolen it, then you'd risk getting arrested for grand larceny. Which, as you know, is a serious offense, and now comes with a heavy penalty under the new criminal code.

Sevika: Grand larceny implies your cock's insured for at least a half million...

Silco: I'd planned to mention that during the next budget proposal.

Sevika: Sir...

Silco: Ah, this next one isn't so bad. Twitter user @SilcosBitch has written: "Silco, if you were a god, my ass would be your shrine."

Sevika: How is this an improvement?

Silco: It's the religious overtones. I enjoy a little sacrilege now and then.

Sevika: ...

Silco: Oh, this next one's quite droll. From Twitter user @Pentaharmy: "I want Silco to spell out my name with his cum."

Sevika: ...

Silco: Not an admirer of modern art, Sevika?

Sevika: It's like some sick form of word association.

Silco: Hmm. This next tweet is a little more poignant. From Twitter user @ShimmerSluzz. They say: "I'm a virgin, and I'm saving myself for you, Silco. I'll never let another man touch me."

Sevika: That's fucked up.

Silco: Now, now. They're young, impressionable, and likely a victim of childhood trauma. You should empathise.

Sevika: They're probably a serial killer in the making.

Silco: Well, if they murder any Councilors, it'll be because I've inspired them to greatness. Next: @HornyForTheIndustrialist.

Sevika: This just gets worse and worse.

Silco: "Silco, I want you to come up with a new drug so I can get addicted and then suck you off to pay for my next hit." Well, Twitter user HornyForTheIndustrialist. If you wish to seek addiction counselling, then I'd be happy to offer a bursary. We've recently begun a government-sponsored rehabilitation program.

Sevika: ...

Silco: Oh, and the same user has written: "Silco's so sexy when he's frothing at the mouth."

Sevika: Obviously they've never heard you ranting on the warpath.

Silco: Like all good illusions, it's about maintaining a mystique.

Sevika: Uh-huh.

Silco: Here's a more interesting one. From Twitter user @DickInProgress: "Silco, I want you to bend me over and fuck me so hard that the Lanes feel it." Well, Twitter user Dickinprogress, if the Lanes feel anything, it's a severe case of infrastructural neglect. But if you're willing to contribute to the restoration effort, I will happily accept.

Sevika: You're enjoying this, aren't you?

Silco: Why should I not? Zaunites are a creative lot. I applaud their efforts.

Sevika: I've seen what some of 'em draw. I guarantee you wouldn't applaud that.

Silco: Hmm. Next is from @SexGatewayChemist. They write: "Silco, I wish I was the Shimmer you shoot into your veins."

Sevika: You see what I'm talking about now?

Silco: A little morbid, yes. But I understand their sentiment.

Sevika: You do?

Silco: Being injected into the veins is the most surefire means of persuasion.

Sevika: That's not what they meant, sir.

Silco: Next up. Hm. @VandersAFurry.

Sevika: Do NOT read that one, sir.

Silco: What is a Furry, Sevika?

Sevika: Please don't make me explain.

Silco: VandersAFurry writes: "Silco, I fantasize about your beautiful eyes watching me while I ride your fat cock."

Sevika: Sweet fucking Janna.

Silco: "Your hands wrapped around my throat as you fuck me so hard that I pass out. Then you'd wake me up by choking me again."

Sevika: Gods damnit.

Silco: "I'd love for you to come all over my face while calling me a filthy little bitch."

Sevika: Fucking-

Silco: "Then, if I was good, you'd make me lick it all off."

Sevika: That does it. Game over. Gimme your phone.

Silco: This is an impressive level of degeneracy. And here was I, thinking I'd hit the nadir of human perversion.

Sevika: It's a bottomless well, sir.

Silco: Well said. Fortunately, I've seen worse.

Sevika: You have?

Silco: Why, yes. Just last night, in fact.

Sevika: Wait. Last night?

Silco: That's right.

Sevika: So when you said you had dirty business to take care of, that was a euphemism?

Silco: A necessary omission.

Sevika: What, you've got a side piece?

Silco: More of an outlet.

Sevika: Well, I'm glad you told me.

Silco: Of course. There should be no secrets between us. And I hope you'll forgive me for not inviting you along. I just assumed that you'd rather not be involved in that sort of thing.

Sevika: Not really my scene, sir.

Silco: Fair enough. Now, as to this Twitter business. What did you call it again? Thirst Tweets?

Sevika: Yes, sir.

Silco: Well, I believe that Zaun's Twitterscape requires a stern, authoritative hand.

Sevika: What, are you gonna start censoring these people?

Silco: Censorship is an outdated and ineffective form of government intervention. No, we will simply use the tweets as a targeted form of recruitment.

Sevika: You... want to hire an army of perverts?

Silco: A force of nature cannot be controlled. But it can be harnessed.

Sevika: So you're gonna put 'em to work.

Silco: Precisely.

Sevika: So they don't have the time to spend all day tweeting.

Silco: Indeed. And in doing so, we will gain a much-needed workforce.

Sevika: I can get behind that.

Silco: Very good. Because I will need you to lead this recruitment effort.

Sevika: Wait, what?!

Silco: Your expertise will be invaluable.

Sevika: Fuck no. There's no way I'm spending my days wading through the cesspool of horny degeneracy on Twitter.

Silco: I'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning.

Sevika: ...

Silco: Oh, and one more thing.

Sevika: Yeah?

Silco: If any of these recruits try to touch you, you have my full permission to break their hands.

Sevika: With pleasure.

Silco: Good. Now get some sleep. You've got a busy day ahead of you.