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Part 2: Bitaqat Altareif (بءاŮŘŠ اŮتؚعŮŮ)
My heart raced and stomach hurt from anticipation as I sat in the sea of women in black niqabs waiting to get their photo taken for their بءاŮŘŠ اŮتؚعŮŮ - bitaqat altareif (Identity cards). This was the first time I had been allowed out in the 4 months Iâve been here, wherever here was. The small room was packed with women only, not to my surprise, even the photographer was a fully veiled women. Some women had even removed their veils, their eyes appeared tired and sunken as if defeated by a lifetime of enduring misogyny in silence. The pain in their eyes was momentarily filled with excitement from being allowed to uncover briefly for a picture. I didnât dare remove my veil, my husband, noâŚ. my captor, Yusuf, was merely a wall away from me waiting patiently for me to be done before driving me back to his home.
I stared absentmindedly at the women over the low whispering of conversations in Arabic. Studying and surveying their faces for a beacon of hope, a sign or perhaps a clue on how to survive in this land. This country, which I came to find out, was a totalitarian patriarchal oligarchic dictatorship governed by Islamic directorial Sharia laws. Here women (cis and trans) only had one purpose, it was to bear children and raise them to spread the seed of Islam. âLoveâ was considered a western infidel ideology, the only legitimate relationship between a man and his wife was transactional - women were to carry and raise children to ensure the future spread and strength of Islam. Anything that needed to be done to accomplish this task, such as beating and rape, were fully permissible by law. If women still had any fight left in them for whatever reason, they were simply âreleasedâ by their husbands for defiance. A âreleasedâ womenâs fate was thousand folds worst than any kind of death here.
Once released from their husbandâs or fatherâs ownership, a women in this predicament were often sold to pleasure houses by the Govt. officials, where 100s of bachelor men took turns defiling them. They were not allowed to die, for this reason they were kept in chains to ensure their safety. If they were lucky, most killed themselves and their children immediately after becoming released, widows or orphans.
âYallah tali taliâ, shouted the women photographer, the line was moving, but very slowly, the women that were done with their photos were reluctant to leave, this was their only escape from the daily routines of cooking, cleaning, sexual servitude and looking after children.
ââââââââ4 months earlierâââââââ
I do not remember much about the last 4 months, despite it seeming like decades. Perhaps, I do not want to remember either. I heard the human brain erases memories when the trauma experienced outweighs human comprehension. In the 4 months Iâve been here, I have been reduced to an âexistingâ vessel for Yusuf, without soul, mind or understanding. I have been stripped away from my country, identity, dignity, family, friends, language, culture and everything that I had once valued and knew. One would say that when you lose everything, it is easier to escape from this world. Iâve tried, several times, but Yusuf has ensured that hurting myself would cause him to snap and target my innocent father, mother and brothers back in California â my true home. I wouldnât have believed him, if he hadnât showed me live surveillance of my family in distraught after my disappearance. I had to be alive in order to ensure their safety. Watching them and their innocent bewildered look on Yusufâs phone that night, I had shut down and fallen to my knees in front of him, surrendered my fight and my body to his whim. He broke me⌠I mightâve been alive superficially, because I had no other choice, but inside I was still dead. My deadness was my only power, that he or his land could never take away from me.
It was a year and half ago, when I had first met Yusuf. Our very separate lifestyles and paths had crossed because he was my Uber driver. I was at my lowest point in life. Vulnerable, impressionable, lonely and lost. I was a human after all.
He had picked me up from a date with another man that night, a reality and truth he could not bear to listen to or think about. I didnât dare bring up any past relationships or men into our conversations. Little did I know that despite my best efforts, he would punish me for the rest of my life for the actions I committed before I ever even crossed paths with him.
According to Yusuf, I only ever belonged to HIM and I was destined to be HIS, since before i knew him and now⌠after knowing him. He would make it his lifeâs priority to ensure I understood that fact. There were many red flags along the way, but of course I was blind to it all. My upbringing in an upper class neighborhood in West Hollywood, private schooling, parentâs wealth, comfort, luxury and a reputable job as a fashion director did not prepare me for what was about to come.
The first mistake was that I took Yusufâs toxic obsession and possessiveness with me as âloveâ. The only things that mattered to me were our moments together, looking into each otherâs eyes under the sheets, sleeping in his arms and listening to his words of comfort and wisdom about how he would turn me from a girl into a women, give my life a purpose and meaning, save me from the brainwashed capitalist western society, give me a family and children to raise and protect me, our children and EVEN my parents and brothers. He often came to my house to help my father and brothers out with car related troubles. My father was a renowned Pediatrician, my mother was a real estate mogul and sold luxury villas in Hollywood Hills, and my brothers were students at the University of Southern California, bound for Medical School.
My father and mother loved Yusuf despite his lack of wealth and education, he made up for his gaps with his display of utmost respect, his conversations about countries and politics my parents never even thought of. His street- smart attitude, wittiness and handyman capabilities were very well regarded in a family that lacked all the hall marks of a simplistic life. My father and him often spent time in the garage looking at my fatherâs car collection before coming in for dinner. My father often called Yusuf a car surgeon, and commended him on his knowledge of every car part and wire. I would proudly beam at Yusuf at the dinner table.
I could tell Yusuf had a harder time breaking through to my patriotic brothers and feminist girl friends. My siblings and friends often warned me about Yusuf and his ultra-conservative lifestyle. My brothers especially warned me about the uprising of the Islamic State in the Middle East and the takeover of Europe. They warned me about the Islamic agenda and how countries surrounding the Middle East were all falling into the grasp of a âcentral systemâ that was built on a totalitarian patriarchal government under the Islamic directorial Sharia laws. They warned me that the Muslim Caliphate was recruiting many European and American women from outside the Central Islamic State and taking them, forcefully marrying them and converting them to Islam.
I asked my brother why they would do such a thing?! He told me that during the takeover, many women fled to the South East Asia and up North into Russia. Now the Islamic State only had 30% women left and 70% men. Because of this, horrific things were happening inside their regime. Very little is known about the conditions inside, because once you get in, nothing gets outâ not even information.
A pang of fear constricted my throat. But Yusuf cannot be one of those men. Heâs here in the USA and he loves me I thought. My parents love him. Yusuf had advised me to stay away from strangers and distant friends that questioned our relationship. However, he had advised me that family was everything and to respect them and listen to them. He promised he would eventually win over my brothers and girl friends and prove them wrong. He would prove to them that he was worthy of having me. Yusuf had told me that every relationship is met with challenges and those challenges often made the love and relationships stronger. Yusuf had the answer to every question I asked and would ever ask. He knew how go deal with and talk about scenarios that had happened and that were yet to happen. I knew Yusuf and my parents knew him and thatâs all that mattered. How could my brothers and friends be so wrong about him? He was the kindest and the most compassionate and caring human being I had thought.
Often, Yusuf insisted we cook at home and make memories that way, however I was a wild spirit and wanted to dress up and go out on dinner dates. He would reluctantly oblige as long as I dressed modestly and did not touch an alcoholic beverage. I would smile jokingly and peck his cheeks with a kiss. He had promised me that he respected my choices and would never force me to cover my head or body if I didnât want to. However he wanted me to respect his beliefs also. He wanted me to dress modestly in long sleeves and shawls and refrain from drinking alcohol in his presence but around his family, he did want me to cover my head with a hijab and segregate myself with the women during family events.
Like with most Gen Zs, I was a devout feminist (like my friends) and very respectful towards all religions, cultures and expressions. I happily obliged to wear the beautiful shawls he bought me to cover my head when around his family members. I had become best friends with his nieces, Saja and Maryam and his aunts, who always admired my looks, clothing style and complimented me unconditionally. We spent hours talking about makeup, and they all seemed so happy and content in their hijabs.
I especially loved playing with their children. Yusuf would particularly look towards me during the times I spent with little children. His look was that of pure hunger â a bit unsettling, but it made me blush nevertheless because I knew what he was thinking about, especially because he often talked about making me a mother.
Yusuf never crossed the line with me, we rarely fought. Every time I would act out or become snappy, he would grab both my shoulders to ground me and kiss my forehead. It was hard to stay mad at him. Many times, I found myself begging Yusuf to take my body, he always declined and told me not to tempt him and that proper women should not speak like that. Yusuf never penetrated me, our love making was only confined to kissing and hugging. He had told me that he wanted to wait until we were married before he âdefiled meâ. I cringed at his choice of words, the feminist inside me screaming.
âHabibi, I understand this is something very personal to you and I respect that, but can we justâŚummmmâŚ. not say âdefile meâ! I would love for you to make love to me when youâre ready, there is nothing âdefilingâ about that!â I had told him. He had simply just smiled back at me. I had also told him that I was not ready to get married so soon. I found his nonchalant behavior regarding waiting 4-5 years until marriage and therefore sex quite shocking knowing how sexual Yusuf could be. But I did not think much of it at the time.
On our 1 year anniversary, Yusuf told me that he had bought us and Saja (his niece) a plane ticket to Australia to visit his parents. He stated he had met majority of my family and spent time with them, but now he wanted me to meet his father and mother - whom he loved dearly. He advised me to ask my parents for permission first. I was excited about the opportunity to travel with Saja (whom had become my close friend). I happily obliged, he came with me to reassure my parents that I would be in good strong hands and that we would be back in 2 weeks. My parents gave us both $500 as a parting gift, giving us their blessing to go. It was later that evening, when I was home, that my brothers blew up on my parents and me. My brothers warned my parents that they would never see me again if they allowed me to go with Yusuf. They warned me that I was being very stupid to trust a devout Muslim man Iâve only known for 1 year and flying across the world with him to goodness knows where. Over the heated argument, the yelling and shouting, I was keeping Yusuf up to date on what was transpiring at home. He asked if he needed me there, I told him it was best if he stayed out of it this time. I asked Yusuf to send me the proof of round tickets to Australia.
Yusuf promptly sent me the plane tickets, which I showed to my brothers and parents, in the end my parents and me blamed my brothers for their racist outlook. I tried to convince my brothers that there was another girl (Yusufâs niece) traveling with us, but of-course my headstrong brothers tried to convince my parents and myself that this was still a very bad idea.
I spent the first 3-4 hours after take off with Saja, chatting away about the adventure awaiting us in Australia. Saja seemed a bit off, quieter than usual, even a bit down in fact. I asked her if everything was ok? She stated she just frightened from planes and heights in general. Understandable. I reassured and comforted her and told her that if she fell asleep, she wonât notice a thing. Finally, Saja told me she was going to try sleeping, she veiled her face completely in a black niqab and reclined her seat. I excitedly made my way two seats behind Saja towards Yusuf. Who was smiling warmly at me, he had been waiting so patiently for me.
I slept in Yusufâs strong arms majority of the flight. Yusuf said we would switch planes during our short layover in Istanbul Turkey before departing for Sydney Australia. I looked into his eyes worried. âYusuf, isnât Turkey one of the countries that fell to the Islamic State we hear about in the news so much?â He pulled me onto him, and wrapped both arms around me. His dark intense eyes smoldering into mine. âYou think I will let ANYTHING happen to my queen and the future mother of my children?â He asked me. âOf course not, thank you daddyâ I replied shyly and playfully. âLook at me when you say that mamas,â he commanded smiling widely. Before I had the chance to look up at him, Yusufâs tongue invaded my mouth and his lips made love to mine. His coarse beard rubbing against my chin. His warmth, his strength, his smell, his low groaning washed over my senses. Everything else faded into the background.
16 hours later, Yusuf woke me up with a kiss to my forehead. âYallah habibti letâs go, we have arrivedâ. I stood up and looked around, the plane was completely empty. âBaby, where is Saja?â I asked Yusuf. âShe took your stuff and is already in the terminal habibtiâ, he replied. I darted down the aisles to exit the plane. âWaitâŚâ I heard Yusuf say behind me. I continued down the aisles. âWAITâ, Yusuf shouted loudly and sternly, his voice thundering in the empty plane. I stopped in my tracks, and looked back. Yusuf was carrying a black cloth, he looked menacingly into my eyes. âDo not walk in front of me like this againâ, he said again firmly and sharply. I looked wide eyed at Yusuf, âIâm sorry babyâ, I replied timidly. âHere wear thisâ, he said holding out the black cloth. I reluctantly accepted the black cloth, scared to offend him again. I made my way to the lavatory near the front exit of the plane. Yusuf stood outside. I slowly slid on the niqab, I realized, unlike the decorated hijab I would wear to his family events, it had a facial covering as well. I reluctantly looked at myself in the mirror. There I stood, shrouded in a black garment that I had begged Yusuf to never force on me. A tear rolled down my eyes, I wasnât sure if I was crying about Yusufâs sternness just moments before or because I couldnât stand to see myself in a repressive niqab. I slowly opened the lavatory door, Yusuf stared me directly into the eyes. âWallahi, you look even more beautiful in a niqab habibtiâ, he said grabbing both my shoulders and planting a kiss on my forehead. âYusuf, how long do I have to wear thisâ, I asked softly? âUntil I tell you, now walk behind me quietly, do not speakâ, he said quickly as we both exited the plane.
I followed Yusuf into the terminal, the terminal was completely void of people except for few men wearing a long white thawb behind the counters. They had bushy dark eyebrows and long pointed beards. I observed cigarettes littering the dirty floor, lights flickering on and off, one light was even hanging down by the wire from the ceiling. Yusuf signaled for me to sit on a worn down chair in the corner, as he walked towards the men and started a conversation in Arabic. I sat down and looked around me, searching for Saja. She was still no where to be found. I watched Yusuf hand the man my USA passport, which was encased in a cute booklet I had bought. The man briefly looked towards me, staring directly into my worried eyes before quickly looking away again.
It was getting harder to breathe in the niqab, especially compounded with the smell of cigarette smoke that hung in the densely hot air within the terminal. Luckily, after 10-15 minutes of Yusuf conversing with the men, he turned back around and walked towards my direction. My heart pounded in my throat, as Yusuf reached for my trembling sweaty hands, kneeling in front of my seat, he took my hands and said, âHabibti, we have to go through medical clearance in order to get on the next plane, it will be quick, yallahâ. âYusuf⌠I donât understandâŚâ I interjected. He reached up and lowered the remainder of the veil over my eyes. Yusuf grabbed my hands and guided me out of the terminal. âYusuf, my passport, did you get it back?âI said sounding panicked. âThey will give it to us after medical clearance habibti and I will be right here with you,â he replied.
I couldnât see much detail from inside the niqab, but I observed walking into an open space filled with men. Their loud voices echoed off the walls. There were no women in sight anywhere. Some men were sitting on chairs with their feet rested on the desks smoking cigarettes and others were cornered around a small TV showcasing what appeared to be Arabic news. The disorderly atmosphere in the room did not resemble any airport I had ever been to before. I squeezed Yusufâs big hands as he walked me towards the end of the room. Men stared towards us, their eyes lingering only briefly on my black shrouded appearance as if trying to peer through before turning towards Yusuf and shouting âAllahu Akbarâ, fists raised in the air. Yusuf responded back with the same energy and enthusiasm. I sighed and rolled my eyes under the niqab, as I thought about the warm beaches of Australia and sunbathing in my cute bikinis I had purchased at Nordstrom. I just had to put up with this for 1-2 more hours and I would never step foot in this part of the world again.
Finally, we arrived in the next room, which I assumed was âmedicalâ based the dirty curtains that hung from the ceiling for âprivacyâ. This room was also filled with men carrying large guns and rocket launchers. Arabic slogans brandishing their clothes and arms. They stared directly at me as I walked behind Yusuf, I squeezed Yusufâs hand and I felt him tightening his grip in response. I briefly looked up and found my eyes locked to a man carrying a large rocket launcher, he grinned at me. My stomach flipped as I quickly looked back down. Was he able to see inside the niqab I wondered? I continued to look down observing Yusufâs boot prints on the dirty tiled floor as he led me towards the end of the room.
Yusuf sat me down on a rusty chair and drew the curtains around me. He told me to wait there quietly and keep my veil drawn while he went to look for the nurse. I nodded reluctantly. I looked around, the medical equipment appeared out dated and unsanitary. My heart started to pound again and before I could gather my thoughts, the curtain opened up and a women in a niqab walked in. She closed the curtain behind her and started preparing two injections. âWhere is YusufâŚ. YusufâŚ.â, I cried alarmed. âKhalaas khalaas aziziâ, the nurse remarked. âYour husband is not allowed in, while I give you injectionâ, she added in a thick Arabic accent. âHe is not my husbandâ, I declared quietly so that only we heard. The nurse ignored me.
The nurse removed her veil, revealing a stern looking chiseled yet beautiful face. She appeared to be in her mid 30s, with full lips and thinly shaped eyebrows. I also took this opportunity to unveil my face as well, glad for the opportunity to breathe air even though the air inside the room felt heavy, unclean and dusty. The nurse flashed a smile towards me. âWallah you are beautiful! So tell me azizi, how much estrogen and progesterone are you taking? Also what anti androgens you take?â she asked as she tapped the syringe filled with clear fluid. I was relieved to find the syringes were at least sterile from a packet. âUmmmm⌠Iâm taking 6mg estradiolâŚ..wait, why are you asking me this, what are these injections for?â I said in a loud shaking voice. The nurse grabbed my arms as she prepared to give me the injection. I yanked my arm away. âYusufâŚ. Yusuf please,â I cried out panicked. I heard the curtains rustle as the nurse quickly drew her veil over her face again. Yusuf emerged from behind the curtains and stared into my watery eyes.
Yusuf walked towards me domineeringly. He came and crouched down next to the chair. âBaby⌠these injections are for vaccines since we are going into an area with different animals and other diseases â, he said sternly and calmly, putting both his hands on my shoulder. He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. âIt will be ok and over soon mamasâ, he finished smiling warmly at me. The sight of Yusuf instantly calmed me down, as I extended out my arm again.
The nurse emptied both syringes inside my arms and wrapped the injection site with clean cloth. âHaâanti dha azizi ⌠there you goâ the nurse said squeezing my hands. I looked at her surprised, I couldnât see her expression from under her niqab, but her hand squeeze sent shivers down my spine. She got up, nodded at Yusuf from under her niqab, lowered her head and walked out quietly. The world started to spin, as I forced my eyes to stay open. âYusuf⌠Yusuf⌠something is happ⌠I think I am allergic âŚâ I muttered disoriented clinging onto his shirt. âPlease Yusuf, donât let meâŚ.â I began staring into his red smoldering eyes. Before I finished my sentence, I collapsed onto his lap.
I woke up with a pounding headache, nausea, numbness and unable to move my arms and legs. Only my mind was awake. I looked up, I was laying on what appeared to be a hard bed, in a small enclosed section, still fully clothed in a niqab, only my face uncovered. I was in a plane⌠the loud humming of the plane engine invaded my ears. I thought my heart would give out from the pounding, I felt my body convulse in response to the loud beating of my heart. I tried to scream, nothing came out. My brain forcing me to shut down again and let go.
I swung myself off the bed with any strength I had left, my body hitting the floor of the plane with a loud thud face down. I heard footsteps approaching, the footsteps stopped outside the enclosure. âGHAZIâ shouted a man, as the footsteps retreated. Mere seconds later, I heard another loud set of footsteps hastily coming towards me. I felt heavy and firm hands on my shoulders, as my perpetrator flipped me over. My quivering eyes were met with Yusufâs intense gaze, mere inches from my face. âHabibtiâŚ.,â Yusuf said sounding relieved. He wrapped his broad arms around my tiny waist as he lifted me from the floor effortlessly and put me back on the bed. âWe will be home soon beautifulâ he said avoiding my watery eyes. âSAJA, ahdur laha almaih ,â Yusuf shouted towards the aisle asking her to bring water. As Yusuf started to walk away, I grabbed his hand.
âYusuf.. why,â I said weakly still clinging to his hand. Tears welled up in my eyes from anger, fear and confusion. He looked back at me and walked towards me. He stood on top of me, âyou will understand one day baby. When you are not driven by your emotion and anger towards me, only then will you realize and understand the purpose I will give your life and the purpose you will give my life and our future familyâ he said quietly, his eyes searing into my soul.
I felt my confusion and fear turn to rage. âYusuf, you have always been good with words. Thatâs how you won over my parents and me. But I want you to know something, I HATE you. I can NEVER be yours, you think you can force me to LOVE you? You are not worthy of my love or anyoneâs love. You are a fucking monster, a TERRORIST. You can beat me, torture me, rape me⌠youâd be fucking a dead body. I want you to realize one thing, I have been fucked and taken countless times by random men and they have gotten more love from me than you will ever receive in your lifetime from me. You are a patheticâŚâŚ â, Yusufâs hands covered my mouth cutting off my words. I felt his big hands get tighter around my mouth cutting off air flow, I stared helplessly up at him. His eyes were red and for the first time, I saw tears in them.
He released his grip, looking in disbelief at what he just did. I gasped for air. âI told you mamas, when you are not consumed with your hate and anger for me, you WILL love me. I will earn your love. I will NEVER kill you and I will NEVER torture you, youâre too beautiful to kill and torture. I will try my best not to rape you, even though we must start a family in order for us to consummate our marriage. But one thing is for sure, you WILL learn to accept me, you WILL respect me and I will give you the security of a family and freedom (when I can) in returnâ, he finished.
My anger now turned to fear and helplessness, as if my mind was trying every tactic it could to get out of this situation. âYusuf, please, please spare me if you EVER loved me. I will kill myself, I swear, I will kill myself before I ever give you the satisfaction of a familyâ, I begged. He leaned over me, inches from my face, âitâs because I LOVE you, you are here you silly girl and trust me, you wonât kill yourself, Iâll make sure of thatâ he added. His mouth came down over my lips as he began to hungrily devour my lips. I lay there emotionless. Searching his eyes for any sign of compassion as he kissed me. He quickly pulled away as Saja walked towards us with a glass of water in her hand. Yusuf looked at me one last time before he walked of. I looked at Saja in disbelief and disgust as she attempted to hand me a plastic cup of water. I threw the water at her, âYOU TRAITOR, YOU KNEW, YOU KNEW ALL ALONG, HOW COULD YOU SAJAâ, I screamed at her. I fell to the floor, screaming and crying hysterically. Saja quickly backed out of the room as Yusuf re-emerged with a syringe in his hand. âNoâŚ. No âŚ.. please Iâm sorry Yusuf⌠pleaseâ, I said coiling into a fetal position besides the bed, sitting in a pool of water I had spilled. He waved to someone as he handed them the syringe at the entrance of the room. He alone walked into the room, pinned both my hands down over my head and forcefully lowered the veil over my face. âYALLAâ he shouted impatiently. Another man entered the room with the syringe. Yusuf effortlessly pinned me down with his weight and hands as the other man injected me with the syringe. This was the closest Yusuf had allowed another man to get to to me. I felt my mind drift into darkness once more.
âââââââââââPresentââââ-âââââââ
âYALLA HABIBTI TALIâ, yelled the photographer impatiently, waking me from my thoughts. I felt a tap on my shoulder as the women next to me motioned for me to get my photograph taken. I slowly walked over to the photographer. The women in the room all stared as I lifted my veil. I heard quite whispering and and the occasional âaajnabiâ (foreigner), as the women looked at me in amazement. They knew I was a foreigner, probably by the color of my eyes and skin. They probably even knew I was forcefully brought here against my will. It was a rarity to see a foreigner women (trans or cis), although it was common for the men to abduct many foreign women, but they often killed themselves due to the repression and of course obvious circumstances. Something I would have also done, if I wasnât blackmailed to keep my family out of danger. I stared blankly at the camera, expressionless.
As soon as I stepped away from the camera, two young hijabi girls (about 9-10 years old), came running towards me enthusiastically, pulling on my niqab. I crouched down as they asked me questions in Arabic, speaking over one another. I looked cluelessly at them unable to understand anything, their mother smiling down at me. The girls grabbed my hands and reached for my face, almost as if to examine me. They looked at the chipped glittery nail polish on my fingers, and looked at each other in amazement. The chipped nail polish on my fingers was the only remaining remnant of my past life. Nail polish was not allowed here, it drew too much male attention to the hands, which made one a target of sexual assault. I forced a painful smile at them. Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked at their innocent faces. I wish they knew a different life, a life of freedom, education and ability to dream. Women were gathered around me, looking at me in awe. The photographer drew her veil and disappeared to the back. Moments later she motioned for me to follow her. I said goodbye to the girls and the women, as I followed the photographer to the back, also lowering my veil.
Yusuf was standing there, waiting for me. My heart began to pound again, my PTSD and anxiety threatening to collapse me to the floor. The photographer handed him my newly printed identity card. Women were not allowed to keep their own ID cards because of the uncovered face. He nodded quietly, prompting the photographer to leave. He lifted my veil, my face still glued to the floor. He raised my chin up and commanded me to look at him. I slowly looked into his dark and stern eyes. Tears forming in my eyes again. I flinched and withdrew as Yusuf put his arms around my shoulder. âLetâs go HOME habibtiâ, he said smiling. He lowered my veil again as he led me out of the studio.
The blast of hot air, the loud blaring of horns, the dust hanging low in the air, the smell of petrol mixed with decaying flesh (possible humans and animals I figured), invaded my senses. We walked between a group of men, carrying guns and rocket launchers, smoking cigarettes and laughing. I lowered my head, as Yusuf led me towards the car. He turned the car on and yanked up the AC. He walked back around and beckoned me into the fully tinted back seat. Women were not allowed to sit in the front seats.
He advised me to keep my face covered even in the back seat of the car, while he talked about business with the group of men in front of the photo studio. He reached in his pocket, and handed me the ID card. âYou look beautiful mamas. Here you can look at it until I get back,â he said smiling as he walked off.
I looked down at the ID card. It was the first time in 4 months, I had been allowed to hold any kind of paper, let alone read it. Women were forbidden from reading and writing, even in Arabic. I inspected the colorful ID and tried to make out the letters and words I had learned in my 1 year of Arabic lessons back in California. This ID card sealed by fate, I was the sole property of Yusuf. If caught without Yusuf as my mahram, I would be jailed and most likely forcefully released from his marriage vows. Which meant, I would be sold to a pleasure house. I looked helplessly down at my photo, as tears dropped from my eyes and joined the sweat dripping down my face under the niqab.
