Dreaming of Glory

So stay or don’t, read this or skip...do whatever makes you happy.

These are my new kittens. They are super adorable. I can't explain the joy I have thanks to these 2 boys. #cats #kittens #catsofinstagram #cute #adorable #joy #aw #thesecats #thisismylifenow #mychildren

Now I don't know how to go about this. Depression is either a touchy topic or it's a topic that people accuse others of using as a means to get sympathy from anyone that happens to read their post. I'm not doing that. I just want to talk about how it's affecting me right now...in this very moment. So for me, right now, I honestly have no motivation now. I feel like everything I am is worthless and that I will amount to nothing. I just finished my degree and to be honest I have no clue how to start in my industry. The anxiety has been building up inside me since I finished my last exam. Everyone has asked me what my plans are and I have simply given vague, open-ended, left-to-one's-own-interpretation answers. It's not like I'm an accountant or a teacher that just goes around applying for an open position at an institution. I'm a singer... An opera and classical singer....from a third world country! The opportunities are slim. I'm freaking out here!!! Quietly though...internally. The thing for me is that I suddenly slipped into a state that is somehow feeling sad as well as nothingness at the same time. I can't convince myself to get out of bed, brush my hair, get out of pj's. I sit in what I can only describe as a catatonic ball of emptiness...for hours! I have such hopes and plans for this year and yet my clinically diagnosed depression has me throwing them all in with the trash. Depression truly is debilitating. The worst part about it for me is that I tend to suffer in isolation. I don't really talk to anyone...in fact I try to avoid the world in general. I feel like talking to people about what is wrong with me will only bring them down as well and I don't want to spoil anyone else's day/month/year (yes it feels like I can depress people for an entire year with how horrible I feel). I feel like I'm diseased and even acknowledging someone else's existence will cause them to be infected too. The other part of why I isolate myself is that I feel like I can't really trust anyone to just listen to me without them trying to give me advice like "happiness is a choice" and "things are never as bad as they seem" like I haven't heard every single quick-fix line of backseat psychology that ever existed. I didn't ever choose to be like this, why would anyone do this to themselves on purpose?! Saying things like that only serves to infuriate me and/or make me more guilty about how I'm struggling. Depression isn't going to be cured with your 2 cents generic comment that could have come directly off the twitter feed of a 14 year old who thinks they are being all "deep". Don't do that! It sucks to hear, okay! Mostly I isolate myself because I have no clue how to describe what I'm going through. Sometimes I feel everything at once and then there's just nothing. I don't know how to tell anyone why it's so hard for me but there are a million reasons. Then sometimes there are also no reasons. All I know is that I'm struggling and you can't just tell people that without them asking "How?". I don't have an answer to that, if I did than maybe I'd be able to find solutions. I'm lost okay... Can't that be good enough? But with depression, nothing is ever good enough. Anyway that's just what I feel right now.

I need these!

Nobody said it would be easy Each setback I lose a part of me But sometimes I'm sure I see That rather from the bad, I'm losing from the good side of me

Here's to all you insomniacs out there....including me. Yup I'm avoiding sleep right now. Well when I say "avoiding" I really mean I'm desperately trying to fall asleep and I am spectacularly failing to do so. In times like these I never fail to think about all the things I regret. Then after that torment I down my sorrows with my YouTube obsession. Yup I bet my parents are so proud. If you ever have been in this situation of absolute horror, I'm so sorry comrade. If, however, you have not been to this terrible abyss of despair than I wish you never experience it..... Or the feeling of the next morning when you wake up after only an hour or so of sleep (if you're lucky). OK time to go attempt to fall asleep again.

Take your time No rush I'm just waiting here Queen to D4 Just like before Ready to attack Drawing you in Waiting for a sign A weakness The soft side of your heart So make your move but Take your time No rush Just dying here

Seriously that was all dumb...

Oh Taker take her She that was me Taking the greatest of currencies Taker takes my time Oh Taker taken her She that was mine Taken someone far more precious than I Taker takes my friendship Oh Taker take her She that was young Taken something now lost forever Taker takes my innocence Oh Taker take her She that is me Taking more than can ever be given Taker takes all of me

Jumping on the Star Wars hype train #choochoohypetrain #starwars #cantwait #soexcited

I wept those sentimental tears last night for a good while. I suppose it went on so long because that house was filled with life! It was and still is so much of who I am. I hope whoever lives there now is being blessed with just as many amazing experiences as I had!

My kind of cat!

I think I might be getting better at posting on tumbr....at least I'm not only posting once a year anymore. *does fistpump of success* I think it's time I embrassed my social media loving side and let myself truly g et into this and other thing =p. Ok that's all, no sad post this time *does another fistbump*.

#Laptopinbed because it's #toocold for anything else. #warmth #totalcomfort