dolefully

when he learnt you found a boyfriend, kakashi ignored gai’s pointed, totally not discreet, stare. the one that screamed ‘revolt against this injustice and declare the flame of your love before it is too late!’

truth was, he’d almost even felt relieved. it comforted the quiet certitude that he would not be good enough – that you, anyone, deserved better than a man haunted by his past. he could finally kill that flicker of hope that he selfishly harbored in spite of all this.

but he couldn’t, as it turned out. days bled into months, and with them, hope rotted into ache.

he even met the guy, once. at one of anko’s get-together night he only agreed to go because she mentioned you would pass by. she forgot to add he would too.

“ah, kakashi hatake, right?” the man had gripped his hand firmly with a gentle smile. “y/n talks a lot about you.”

his heart stopped. “oh.”

your boyfriend laughed, warm. “nothing bad, don’t worry.” but that was the furthest thing from his mind. “you seem to be a formidable shinobi, and an even more formidable friend. it’s nice to finally meet you in person.”

his throat was dry when he answered. “likewise.”

he hated himself for the resentment he couldn’t shake off. your boyfriend was a good person. he made you laugh. made you happy.

so kakashi ignored that foolish flicker whenever he’d hear you got into a fight with your lover. it was often because of the missions, the shinobi way of life that your civilian partner could not grasp fully. sometimes over more trivial things.

but it didn’t matter.

he’d be a good friend.

a shiver rippled across your shoulder. kakashi was on his feet in the blink of an eye, nonchalant as he approached you quietly.

“it wasn’t a reproach,” he softly dropped the blanket he’d bought on the road– knowing how sensitive you were to the cold – on you. “just know i’m here if you want to talk.”

your lips parted in surprise. then you swiftly grabbed the blanket and tossed half over his knees.

“i–“ you scoffed as words ran dry on your tongue.

frustration etched itself in a deep frown as you found yourself unable to begin expressing the void that haunted you.

you shook your head in defeat “i’m bad at… saying things out loud.”

he knew.

but he’d been by your side long enough to have a pretty good idea of what was going on. “your parent’s anniversary was last week.”

not a question. your head whipped around, eyes wide in shock. “how do you…?”

how couldn’t he.

he still vividly remembered the hole in his chest as he witnessed, jaw clenched, powerless, your collapse in the hokage’s office when he broke the news of your parents’ death. you’d just return from a mission with him – that was the last time he saw you so carefree and enamoured with life.

he never forgot the date – years passed yet like clockwork, your smile still dimmed and you’d grow quieter each time the month came up.

“i visited rin and obito’s graves. thought i’d stop by theirs too.” the intensity you were staring at him with made his voice falter and he swallowed. “they were good soldiers. even better people. i… left flowers.”

he didn’t have time to catch his breath when you knocked it out of him – the brute force of your body colliding against him, your arms tightening against his shoulders, your chin digging into his muscle.

“oh kakashi,” your whisper was muffled by the folds of his cloth. “thank you. thank you.”

it was ridiculous to him that you’d thank him when he knew damn well you spent years honoring his former teammates’ own grave. not because they mattered to you – you had never known them much – but because they mattered to him. he hoped his gesture made you feel as intimately cared for as you made him feel – immensely less lonely.

“it’s just so hard, sometimes,” you frowned, throat tied in knots, ”to talk about it.”

hesitant, his arm closed protectively around your body. the effort you were willing to make to confide, vulnerable and hurt, made him all the more desperate to erase the pain in your voice.

“i tried to. with him.” kakashi stiffened, though he didn’t mean to. “i was on a mission that day and i couldn’t visit, so i asked him to buy flowers for them because bringing flowers is so–“ you swallowed like you could push down the emotions rising, “but when i came back he told me he forgot. i thought– i thought they’d think i didn’t care anymore–“

a gasp for air made your chest jump and kakashi clenched his hands. he stayed silent, not trusting himself with anything he could say.

“it was stupid but i– you– they did receive some in the end. god, kakashi,” his body shuddered when you buried your face deeper in the collar of his cloak. “sometimes i feel like you’re the only one who…”

you never finished your sentence.

kakashi never commented.

but from then, terrible as it was, he felt less guilty about his treacherous thoughts on your couple. less guilty about his wishful thinking.

but still, when push came to shove, he remained silent whenever the topic of your boyfriend was brought up.

he thought it was the respectful thing to do.

but of course, one day you’d catch him being too evasive. that happened on the way to your house, after a night out with your group of friends. you had confided a bit during the conversations – how you still had doubts about the compatibility with his civilian way of life.

kakashi kept his mouth closed the entire time. but now, when it was just the two of you and the moon watching tenderly over the pair of you, you begged for his opinion with pleading eyes.

“i don’t think i’m the best person for you to ask.”

you stopped, stunned by the answer. even when he didn’t know for sure, he always had a supportive comment or a thoughtful advice to offer – one that’d always appease your mind.

“uh? why?”

he glanced at you sideways. silence stretched as he seemed to carefully pick his words.

“i’m afraid i won’t be objective.”

relief relaxed your muscles and you chuckled, shoving his shoulder playfully as you resumed walking.

“good thing i don’t want objective! i want someone on my side. someone that wants the best for me. someone i trust. like you, kashi,” you spin around to send him a wide grin, the affection of your statement reflected in your eyes.

there was a flower tucked behind your ear – one you picked on your way, gasping when catching sight of the unlucky daisy whose stalk had been snapped in half by the force of the wind.

the vision of you made his heart jump a beat.

but kakashi hesitated again as he reached your level. his hands were shoved in his pockets nonchalantly, yet a weird tension simmered underneath his aloof exterior.

“sometimes i’m not sure if i want your best,” he starts slowly, a deep frown carved between his brows as he looked up to the starry sky. “or if i’m being selfish.”

your steps faltered – so did your smile. you hated the guilt in his voice even more than the confusion in your mind. “…what do you mean?”

you didn’t realize you were holding your breath until his response knocked it out of your lungs.

“what i mean is,” he set his gaze down on you, so intense you felt your stomach twist. “i can’t give you advices about him that won’t be coloured by what i want. so i prefer not to say anything.”

none of you brought up this half-confession again the days after, but that didn’t prevent you from thinking about it non-stop.

the way it made your head spin with possibilities – what the hell did he want that made him act so distant that night? did kakashi want you? or did he simply dislike your boyfriend? or was it something else entirely?

because if you listened to that treacherous, hopeful call of your heart – if you read between the lines, kakashi had just admitted he liked you. and that thought – it invaded your mind, it set your entire soul ablaze, it derailed your pulse the way nothing had before.

not even your boyfriend.

that much became clear when you were eating dinner, in the following days, and your eye caught sight of him cuting small pieces of the last few strawberries you had – you loved strawberries. your boyfriend put them all in one cup.

you realized, you didn’t even hoped it was for you. you knew he’d eat them all alone. if you asked, of course, he’d share. but it didn’t come naturally.

you didn’t know why that had bothered you so much – but it felt like a deep weight in your chest, nibbling at your heart; a voice that whispered in the back of your mind ‘will you really just settle with being an afterthought?’

and you only realized why that moment scarred you so deeply when a particular memory of your youth floated to the surface of your consciousness.

“those rations are the worst, honestly.”

“yes, y/n, you mentioned. three hundred times already, actually.”

raidō yawned, ignoring your glare. worst thing was you knew he thought the same thing – the little protein brown paste that were supposed to feed you for the entire duration of the mission were bland at best, disgusting at worst.

“i’m going to sleep,” your teammate announced, slipping into a makeshift bed composed mainly of large leaves.

your eyes scanned the edge of the forrest. “kakashi didn’t come back from his scouting round yet. it’s getting late, don’t you think?”

“who knows what he’s up to?” the brown-haired shinobi mumbled. “he’ll be fine. you wait if you wish. wake me up if you’re too tired.”

so you waited, gaze fixated on the darkness before you, ignoring the worry nibbling on your tranquility. what if he got caught? what if he was hurt? what if–

“yo.”

you shrieked, body moving quicker than your mind as it wrapped itself around the person, pinning them to the ground in a taijutsu headlock.

“well, now you just squished them.”

you blinked the fog of the night away, taking a second too long to recognise the wild silver hair and the familiar mask.

kakashi didn’t seem too surprised to find your thighs firmly enveloping his waist and your right hand around his throat. you could even bet he was amused by your fright. his own arm was blocking your other hand – which held a kunai that threatened to plunge into his chest. his fingers burned the skin of your wrist.

“are you crazy?” you whispered, promptly freeing him from your hold. a sudden coldness made you all the more aware of the feeling of his body under yours.

your heart raced. adrenaline, probably.

kakashi sat up when you shifted out of his lap, but his eyes locked on the grass surrounding you. you followed his gaze.

“what’s…”

strawberries were pouring from his pouch, some even scattered and indeed squished on the ground. no doubt because of you.

“i saw some on my way,” one hand rose to scratch his grey hair, his detached voice concealing something.

the corners of your lips had stretched into a wide grin before you realized. you saw those bushes on the way too. they were miles away.

“oh my god, kakashi,” your eyes sparkled with untamed excitement. “i could marry you right here.”

you missed the way he froze entirely – too busy picking up his pouch, a water jutsu splashing the fruits until they were ready to melt under your tongue.

you hummed in appreciation, shoving a few berries in his hands and diverting your gaze to offer him privacy while uncovering his face.

you had no doubt this little impromptu detour was spurred by your constant complaining about the rations, but you were fumbling under the weight of gratefulness, unable to find the right words.

“you know, i love strawberries,” you finally decided to say instead, your shoulder almost brushing his. “my parents used to pack me some in all my lunch boxes at the academy.”

you met kakashi’s gentle look, and warmth spread in your chest. how lucky were you to have someone like him

“i know.”

the rumors of your break-up only reached kakashi’s ears shortly after it reached gai’s. the energetic man had sprinted to his friend – challenging him to a duel.

“and if i remember well, my dear rival, it is my turn to pick!”

there was something too sparkly about his grin that kakashi noticed too late, once they were already stepping inside the yamanako flower shop.

“what are we doing here, gai?”

“i challenge you to a flower arrangement duel!”

“…no.”

gai gripped his friend by the collar before he could walk out. “kakashi! you must compete against me! if you do, i will offer you a secret piece of information of great value to you.

the grey-haired couldn’t believe such childish bargaining had worked on him but his curiosity was piqued.

ten minutes after, he was holding a small, simple bouquet to inoichi’s face. the shop owner was already busy examining gai’s composition with raised brows – colours clashing, wild leaves fighting off delicate petals, thorns threatening to rip the wrapping paper.

“well, that’s… interesting. honestly i’d–“

gai gripped the man, whispering something in his ear. inoichi’s gaze snapped to kakashi and he nodded.

“i’d say i can not compare two beautiful works,” he coughed a bit, avoiding kakashi’s doubtful look. “as a florist and a friend, i can not decide between you two.”

“oh no! how will we set the winner!” gai gasped dramatically. “we must–“

“you do know i just saw you say something to change inoichi’s mind?”

“–find someone else. oh my, is that y/n i see? let’s ask her!”

once again, the grey-haired ninja found himself dragged in the street by gai, but this time his senses were more alert, eyes scanning around him to spot you.

“oh i forgot to tell you the information, kakashi. y/n is single again!” not giving him the time to process his words, gai used all his strength to shove his friend in your direction.

except, gai was objectively very strong. his friend’s body came crashing on his target, sending the both of them on the ground. the copy ninja barely caught himself on his forearms to avoid crushing you with his weight. his nose brushed against yours.

you blinked.

“kakashi?”

a storm of thoughts swarmed his mind, yet one tamed the others.

you looked absolutely beautiful.

also, this position was widely inappropriate.

and you broke up with your boyfriend.

shooting an apology, he wasted no time grabbing gently your hand and effortlessly hoisting you up.

“what are those flowers for?” you smiled once you were back on your feet, and he suddenly remembered what brought him here and what his other hand was still gripping tightly.

“uh, it’s not– gai–“ he turned around to seek help but his friend was nowhere to be seen. only the chatter of the small shops nearby gave signs of life. the street where the two of you were standing was, in fact, desert.

of course.

the scheme he had been roped into was starting to make sense now.

“oh, those are my favourites!” you suddenly exclaimed, fingers brushing said flowers. “i haven’t seen them in forever.”

and kakashi stood there, dumbfounded, as he realized he already knew that. and that was probably why he even, unconsciously, gravitated towards those ones in the first place. because every fiber of his being seemed unable not to be wired to think of you. you, you, you, always you.

clearing his throat, the man ignored the fumbling sensation invading his body – focusing instead on the softness of your smile, the shine of your gaze as it rose from the bouquet to him.

“you should take them.”

your eyes widened in surprise, but you were quick to deflect with a sheepish laugh. “oh, no– i mean, if they’re meant for someone–“

“ah, forgive me,” kakashi couldn’t help the smile under his mask, a surge of affection soothing his nerves. “i should have made myself clearer. they are meant for you, y/n. please accept them.”

shit. the pout on your lips as your suppressed a grin made his heart clench.

after long seconds where the man stared down at you expectantly – wondering why the hell you would refrain from smiling – you began to squirm under his attention.

“why are you giving me flowers, hatake?” the teasing tone of your question failed to mask your suspicion. or frustration. whatever the reason why you hadn’t grabbed the bouquet yet.

he could feel the curious glances of some civilians passing by, but focused all this attention on deciphering what the look you had right now meant.

“well,” he started, and – because gai’s voice, y/n is single, was still ringing in his ear like a prayer – he couldn’t prevent the jealousy curiosity that, unprudently, pushed the words out of his mouth. “i’ve heard about your… separation.”

he had to pause to make sure he wouldn’t sound too satisfied.

“flowers always cheered you up. i hope they can celebrate a new beginning.” kakashi hoped he didn’t sound too cheeky.

maybe he did. your face slowly fell, the smile vanishing from your lips. his heart dropped, realizing immediately he chose his answer wrong.

“so… pity flowers,” bitterness coated your voice, and you raised your brows in a challenging manner.

his eyes widened. “no. it’s not–“

“kakashi,” you interrupted and his lips sealed shut immediately. “do you know who is the last person to gift me flowers?”

his mind jumped to the time your hands brushed his as you accepted his congratulatory bouquet – three months ago, when you passed the exam to become a sensei. you’d train genins starting next graduation.

but then, the face of your boyfriend – ex-boyfriend – replaced the memory, and, sour, kakashi chose to remain silent rather than even voice his name out loud.

his arm dropped, the flowers lowering until they hung upside down in his grasp, brushing against his leg.

your frown deepened when you broke the silence. “it’s you, kakashi.”

the world stopped spinning.

“and the time before that it’s also you. and probably a dozens of time before, too. and– fuck, this is exactly what happened!”

your voice shook as it rose, anger boiling with every exasperated thought that spilled from your lips.

“at some point, i realized i kept comparing you two– like a horrible, horrible girlfriend, because it’s just impossible not to notice everything he doesn’t know or doesn’t do when you exist!”

a heavy drop of water crashed on your forehead, and it seemed to shake you out of your monologue. you sighed, running a hand in your hair. rain began falling timidly, making the few passerby’s flee im search of a shelter.

“…sorry.”

you laughed, one that sounded all too much like disbelief. “out of all the things, you apologize for that? i’m not mad at you– i mean, i am, but not for that. i hate that you’re never honest with me about what it means to you when you do all these things. even today with those stupid flowers– sorry, no, they’re not stupid. you’re stupid. fuck. god, it took me years to–“

you cut yourself off with a silent gasp, like you were about to reveal a secret, one kakashi really felt like he’d want to hear.

“to what?” he took a step towards you, ignoring the way the rain grew heavier, soaking his clothes and the paper wrap around his bouquet.

you fled his gaze, your scowl wavering but still holding strong.

“kakashi.” your eyes blinked furiously to chase off raindrops. “do you love me?”

the man always believed hell would break loose if you ever found out what selfish feelings he harboured. but if it did seem like the skies were pouring out, flooding konoha, wind whipping vehemently against the walls and streets roaring with the clash of rain against pavements – kakashi never felt calmer.

he watched tenderly as your eyes found his, travelling along the sharp lines of his face, the wet strands of his hair dripping with water.

“yes.” the word came out like it was the easiest thing to say.

you swallowed. rain slid over your face. a beat passed. “since when?”

“i’m not sure,” he admitted slowly, carefully scrutinizing any of your reactions – any tick of your muscle. “a long time.”

your brows knitted together and you closed your eyes for a second, like the confession physically pained you.

“why didn’t you tell me?” you pleaded, and your voice wavered under the weight of emotion – guilt, regret, anger, kakashi couldn’t quite tell.

his heart clenched at the sight. gently, he grabbed your wrist and guided you to walk backwards, the ledge of a shop shielding you poorly from the rain.

your back softly hit the door. kakashi was so close, the bouquet he held with one hand brushed against your leg – his other hand slowly let go of your wrist. the heat of your skin touching his had made your pulse jump. but it was nothing compared to the intensity with which your longstanding friend was looking down on you, keys to a box of pandore hanging from his lips.

“shame. or cowardice.” his voice was steady, firm but not harsh, confident but humble – like he always was.

the hurt and confusion in your eyes called for his most serious, sincere words and that was exactly what he wanted to offer.

“it was never out of a lack of love, y/n. the pain, grief, and regret i have known convinced me good things never last long,” his eyes held your gaze gently. “i could not bring myself be so selfish as to risk losing or hurting you. you deserve more than a man like me.”

he avoided your gaze for a fleeting second, his face harsher. “but i can see that my actions still hurt you. forgive me.”

the kakashi you knew was a man of few words – a guarded man, who kept his deepest thoughts and feelings quietly locked inside. you peeked a few times, held your hands over the leeks to help him contain the grief that would sip through the cracks.

but this – his most open, vulnerable, truthful confession – you never dreamed of witnessing.

you feared you would never be the same again.

“sometimes, i don’t know if i want your best, or if i’m being selfish,” you finally mumbled after a long silence, eyes glossy.

kakashi seemed puzzled for a second, even more so when you pointed an accusatory finger at him.

“that’s what you told me, last time,” you continued, a deep frown between your brows. “i spent days trying to figure out how the most selfless person i knew could think that of themselves.”

his eye widened slightly.

“now i know,” your frown relaxed, brows quivering upwards instead, painting a saddened expression on your face. “i’m sorry i never realized what was going on in that head of yours.”

you took a step forward, your head tilting back to keep staring straight into his pupil. it was blown out, tracking your every move more closely than what his calm exterior let out.

you inhaled sharply, ignoring the frenetic beat of your heart. the rain seemed to slow around you, as if to also catch your next words.

“and i’m sorry it took me so long to recognize what i feel,” you said, and kakashi heard the guilt as much as he read it on your face. he gripped your fingers tighter, like he could erase it.

but then you moved even closer and he physically felt his body freeze – and time.

soft lips gently pressed against his – the material of the mask thin, yet it suddenly felt like a wall to kakashi.

the flowers slipped out of his hand, landing on the ground with a quiet thud.

it lasted a second.

one second for a kiss he spent a lifetime desiring and punishing himself for it.

“i love you,” you murmured, throat tight with emotion, eyes sparkling. “stupidly so. and i want you to be selfish. if accepting my love, and being with me seems selfish to you – i want you to be the most selfish man on earth.“

there was a moment of floating, where the pair of you just stood there, on the edge of the city who saw you grow and fall as one. the skies still poured its heart content around you, some raindrops finding their ways to you through the cracks of your shelter.

then a flash of skin – his two fingers hooked on the fabric of his mask and tore it down – and in a split second, his lips came crashing onto yours, palm shooting up to cradle the side of your face.

you wasted no time enveloping his face with your hands, kissing kakashi with all the sheer force of the love you stopped denying.

not caring that his hair was still dripping wet, you let your fingers tug run through his hair, swallowing his soft groans like a drunken sailor who’d not seen a drop of water for months.

“y/n,” kakashi whispered as you pulled away to catch your breath. “are you sur–“

your lips caught his again and the question died on his tongue as quickly as it was answered. his hand travelled to your waist, gripping it like he would fall otherwise – and you could have melted right here, right now, if he were not holding onto you so tight as he kissed so desperately.

none of you could tell how much time passed before you finally stepped away from each others. once your minds were clear enough to perceive anything other than the person standing before you, you realized the rain had weakened into a light drizzle, melodious songs from birds announcing the return of the sun before it peeked through the fleeting clouds.

kakashi could not tear his eyes from your face – maybe out of adoration, maybe out of fear to still read any sign that everything that happened was dream. only when you bent to pick up the forgotten flowers splattered on the ground did he seem to break from his daze

“c’mon. let’s go,” you grinned, the wet, dirty, squished, yet still radiant bouquet in your arms.

kakashi didn’t ask where.