My conduct this year landed me on Santa Claus's fabled and controversial "Kill-at-all-Costs" List. Turns out the reason the big man and his people don't exercise that option more often is that they really aren't good at following through on it. Well outside their core competency. He's delegated to the elves, and they've got this ingrained assembly-line mindset that doesn't translate at all to the adaptable and fluid mindset needed for siege breaking. They just haven't adjusted their playbook at all from when they're doing rote deliveries. Armed Elves have been rappelling down my chimney one at a time into the roaring fire I've kept going nonstop for the last week. They haven't even thought to try my front door yet. Whole house smells like peppermint, which it turns out is what burnt elf meat smells like. Thought I was being super clever putting cyanide-laced almond milk out with the cookies as a last line of defense, but none of them have made it even the scant few feet to the side table where that's sitting. At the rate things are going the real danger is that I'm gonna forget what I did with that and accidentally drink it myself while I'm watching the show
Part of what I think is going on is that the fire and elf-infused smoke is fucking with the pheromone trails they lay down to tell other elves where it is and isn't safe to walk, hence why they're all just lemming it up like this. My buddy at fish and wildlife told me that it's sad but I'm legally in the clear as long as I don't cause undue injury to a fertile queen, and obviously they couldn't fit one of those in a sleigh. So ecologically my hands are clean
