Words Of Gary Ward

It’s been 92 days since you passed Mum. It really doesn’t get any easier. I’ve been dealing with so much paper work and sorting everything out for Dad, that i still haven’t had the time to really take everything in. I am almost done but there are a few things that are still dragging on. I never knew stuff like this could take so long. A lot of weight has been taken off my shoulders now that i sorted out the house and Dad doesn’t have to move out and be homeless. Of course he would never be homeless as he would live with us but you know what i mean. I think dad is finding it very hard but trying to stay strong. He is very lonely bless him but staying strong. 

I go to see you every Wednesday with dad and we go for something to eat after. We have a moan, bitch and de stress about things that have been going on. I’m still trying to unravel everything that happened to you in such a short frame of time and how you must have been feeling through it all. It eats at me at the wonder if you knew what was going on when you had the stroke and we were all talking. I felt so bad that i was crying in front of you and you couldnt say or do anything to make me feel better. I could see it in your eyes that you wanted to just hug me and say it will be ok but that bloody stroke meant you couldn’t talk to move a lot. I feel it took a lot away from us that fecking stroke. I feel that we were focusing on sorting stuff out when we found out about the cancer that we didnt get to say the stuff we wanted to as we thought there would be more time. We were trying to stay strong you and I and plan what was going to happen. Because we were so alike, we didnt get to open up and tlak about how sad we were or comfort each other in the way we should have with the timeframe we had. 

I miss you so much mum and i just don’t know who life can go on without you and your smile, laugh and our chats every day. I miss being able to call you when i’m on the school run and i miss spending time with you, just us on our mother and son evening. I’m so grateful we got to have so many though. I have so many great memories. 

Hey Mum

It’s been 65 days since you passed. Thing havent got any easier but i had my first dream about you the other day. It came just when i needed it and it felt like it was you reaching out to comfort me. 

It was such a strange dream but also amazing. It was just you and me running about in an adult soft play. We were running, jumping and having so much fun. It felt so real and like something we had done before. When we were done, we went and sat down on a table and a guy who worked in the soft play came over to us. He said he must be so amazing to make new memories together like this. I remember at that moment i realised i was dreaming and became aware i was in a dream. I looked at you and said we can’t make new memories mum as you passed away. You looked and me and said i know son but everything will be ok. You then came over to me and gave me a cuddle. It was at that point i woke up from my dream crying. I tried to get back to you in the dream but wasn’t able to. 

It’s so strange but having that cuddle with you was just what i needed and it made me feel so much better. The last few days since that dream have been a look easier. It gave me that little bit of mental strength to carry on. Thank you for that Mum. 

I went with dad to visit your rose tree today and tied some photo keyrings to the branches. It looks so pretty mum and is so peaceful up there. Its a strange feeling but me and dad talk alot about things when we are with you up there. I feels like a safe space so we kind of boht say how we are feeling and help each other deal with it. It really helps. 

We then went for something to eat in and had a nice little lunch together. 

I miss you mum so much. I feel like i have accepted everything still. How can my mum me gone when she was meant to live forever. I released a Son never stopped needed his mum and will always feel like an 8 year old in need of his mum when he can’t find her. I hoep you are proud of everything i have done to help everyone mum. It has been so hard but i have tried so hard to stay strong for everyone and help every get through this. 

It late and i defo need some sleep but i just wanted to say i love you so much. It’s my birthday on the 25th November and then yours next month. It’s going to be hard but i’m going to get you a nice balloon and tie it to your rose tree. 

Love you mum and speak soon. 

Hey Mum

It’s been 51 days since you passed. I know stuff happens and it’s selfish of me to say but it just isn’t fair. I’m finding it so hard to accept the fact of you not being here with me anymore. I just don’t understand why this had to happen to you. It may look like i am doing ok but i’m really not. 

I was sitting here putting money on the Gas and Electric for Dad and it just hit me that i shouldn’t be doing this. This is something you do and i shouldn’t be taking your place or doing the things you do. It is a really small thing but it really hit me while i was doing it. You’re not here anymore to look after us all. 

I see a post online about writing letters to someone who has passed away and i really think this will help me say what i am really feeling. I think it will help me deal and feel like i am talking to you. I really missing talking to you mum. You always knew just what to say and how to pick me up again. 

I’m going to try and write a letter to you when i am feeling down or just want to tell you how i am doing. I’m not going to edit them or try to make them readable but just write my thoughts as they flow through my fingers onto the keyboard. 

I’m hoping this will help me. I spoke to my doctor last week about getting grief counseling as i just can’t accept you are not here. I am finding it very hard to let out my emotions and cry when I want to as i feel i shouldn’t be doing that and i should stay strong and be the rock for everyone. I know that no one is expecting me to do that but it is keeping me busy. 

I’m really scared of letting it all out and losing myself in the process. I’m scared of falling into a black hole and not being able to find my way out again. 

It was nice to visit your Rose Tree today with Dad, Piper and Bradon. I placed the picture i had printed on a slate for you with your tree and it looks so nice mum. I know you would love it. Even just saying would is so hard because i should be saying you will love it. 

I’m not sure if this will make sense to you Mum but i’m not angry with anything that has happened, I’m just really sad that this has happened to you. I keep thinking of you in the hospital after you had the stroke and how it must have felt for you to see my breakdown and cry like that but you not being able to even say it’s ok Gary. I feel so guilty that i put you in a situation where you had to see your son crying and you couldn’t comfort me. Not even speak to cuddle me. I just want a cuddle from you so bad mum and to hear you say I Love You Gary. 

The strangest thing is, i’m a 35 year old man whos mum has died and i feel like an 8 year old who has lost his mum. Like the world is ended and i won’t be able to go on. I really understand that line where they say a Mum is a god in the eyes of their child. You really are mum, you really were the most amazing mum i could have ever asked for. I know people say you made me the man i am today but you really did mum. You taught me how to be a parent, a friend, a partner and a rock for my family. I miss you mummy so much. It just isn’t fair. I know i am not lonely and i have Hollie and the kids but i really do feel so alone. Not because people are leaving me alone, everyone has been so kind and there for me. I just feel like i’m 8 and in a busy market road and have lost my mum. I feel like i won’t ever find you and i will be lost forever. The hardest thing is i know i won’t find you because you have passed away. 

I really hope i do get to see you again mum. I have so much i want to tell you and i hope that with these letters i will get the chance to do that. 

There is so much i feel bad about or so much i want to say but didnt get the chance. 

I love you so much mum i really do. you were everything to me and kept me going. I love you and will write again soon.