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THIS IS A SIDEBLOG,ย ย ย ย FOLLOW BACKS COME FROM @maggoths .

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it didnโt matter how deep they all tried to bury it, how much they tried to deny it. lottie knew, just by being with these girls again after so long, that they all learned to avoid peeking into the past and revisiting their traumas to heal from them. but from experience, lottie knew those things still loomed and lingered over each of their lives. natalie in the throes of her drug addiction, shauna with her difficultly maintaining a closeness with her daughter, taissa in her desperation to succeed and allowing her family to crumble in the process, the light that made vanโ van being snuffed out โฆ and misty, well, lottie could argue that she would have turned out the same with or without the trauma they all experienced in the wilderness. โ thatโs not true, tai. โ she countered, wanting to reach for her friend to establish a sense of grounding but knowing taissa had never been that accepting of her comfort. โ the us that we made out thereโ that is who we are at our core. it has followed us all of these years, like a shadowโ clinging to and looming over our lives. i know you know thatโs true. it has finally woken up again, thatโs why the other you is resurfacing. we canโt suppress any of it any longer. and especially not when vanโs life is at stake. โ
removing the cloth that had been wrapped around her own hand to conceal the deep cut that sheโd sliced into her palm the evening before, lottie showed her the wound that was healing at a fairly quick rate. โ iโve spilled blood for us already. that isnโt what this is. i know that you donโt believe me โฆ or โฆ in me, thatโs why you have to see it for yourself. here, give it back to meโ i can do it for you, โ impulse and impatience made her reach for the knife without considering the reaction of her counterpart and she noticed instantly that taissa moved to protect herself. it was subtle, but clear, and forced lottie to put her hands up in surrender and take a step backwards again. โ sorry, tai โฆ sorry. โ
even in their minor debate about what this actually was, lottie could see that taissa was wrestling with her rational self and the side that wanted to believe what lottie was saying. it sounded โฆ crazy and part of her could understand taiโs apprehension but there have been countless times where lottie proved what she was saying to be true. unexplainable things did happen to them in those woods and though she felt it more strongly than any of them, she knew they all felt it too. โ i wouldnโt hurt van, taissa. hurting you would hurt van. if you trust nothing else that i say, please trust me when i say that. cut your hand and i can show you the truth. โ
lottie traced a pattern on the worn fabric of her dress, the sharp edges of her knees digging into her chest like a self - imposed cage meant to protect her against the harsh reality of their situation. violet, eerily more calm than most anyone else, was seated in the dirt beside herโ and lottie unknowingly clung to vi in that moment as though she was an anchor because she needed that steadiness, the faรงade of normalcy against the coming daysโ because for lottie, the plane crash wasnโt theย worst thing that could have happened to her.ย the crash had stripped the team bare of their civilization and any sense of control they had over their lives, leaving them tiptoeing through the chaos like baby deer walking through the brambles. lottie, however, wasnโtย just stranded hereโย she was a ticking timebomb. the small, plastic bottle tucked into her backpack was a lifeline with an expiration dateโ the thought of running out was a silent poison already seeping into the marrow of her bones.
years andย years of being conditioned to fear herself and her illness was already beginning to take shape and the desperation she felt to anchor herself to reality by any means necessary surpassed anything else given their situation. at the mention of misty, lottieโs usual indifference towards the girl fell by the wayside and was replaced with something resembling defense. โ sheโs doing her best, โ referring to the medical knowledge that had been a huge help thus far since the plane went down. โ coach wouldโve died without her. โ it was a gentle reminder to violet, that despite howย annoying misty could beโ her help should be acknowledged and appreciated just the same. โ are you afraid? that they wonโt find us? โ
โ ย thatโs fair, ย ย โ ย a moment of silence stretched between the women, ย the lingering thickness of tension from lottieโs earlier observation was still palpable in the air. ย ย words hung heavy, ย a testament to the nerve that lottie undoubtedly struck given the expressions etched into larissaโs features. ย โ ย and contrary to how it may have sounded, ย i wasnt judging you, ย larissa. ย โ ย lottieโs tone was genuine and remorseful, ย her eyes reflecting sincerity. ย ย she hadnโt meant to offend, ย though perhaps she had been a bit too blunt. ย ย โ ย control can feel like safetyโ ย structure, ย plans, ย routines ย ย โฆ ย all of those things give you the illusion that youโre holding the world together even as it's falling apart around you. ย โ ย lottie shifted slightly in the chair, ย leaning forward. ย ย โ ย it starts as protection for many of us, ย myself included. ย a way to navigate the chaos, ย build walls that withstand against the storms of everyday life. ย ย if you plan every step, ย anticipate every challenge ย ย โฆ ย nothing bad can touch you. ย ย โ ย another beat. ย ย โ ย but then ย ย โฆ ย it starts to feel like a cage. ย those walls that youโve built for protection begin to close in and the illusion of safety shatters. ย all this to say, ย maybe control isnโtย everythingโ ย maybe sometimes we need to let down those walls. ย ย โ
loneliness made her feel small, like a forgotten sapling struggling to grow in the shadow of ancient trees. It had stopped communicating through her and she was left to fend for herself in the wilderness without a second voice to guide her. no one in the group ever noticed when lottie wandered off, begging for something, anything that would help her reconnect with the goddess of this place. the snow had begun to fall again and the group were due for a hunt to give the wilderness Its sacrifice. to make up for the arrogance they displayed when things got a little bit easier after their only home had gone up in flames.
every time lottie wandered off, she found something newโ eyes etched into tree bark, caves full of toxic fumes that didnโt affect her, stairs to nowhere, but this was the first time sheโd seen a hollow tree with a gaping mouth reminiscent of a void. it would be silly of her to miss the opportunity to crawl inside, her curious nature egging her on as she dropped to her knees while donned in various furs and feathers. she suspected that it would be nothing more than darkness, a place where squirrels or raccoons dwelled, but to her surpriseโ it did not end abruptly once she was inside.
a firefly appeared seemingly out of thin air and lit up the darkness, its light shining much brighter than what she remembered normal fireflies to be. lottie took the liberty of following it through, crawling through the never-ending tree, until she saw an end. sunshine, colorful florals, butterfliesโ with not a single snowflake in sight. the firefly stopped just before the entrance to this magnificent forest and she crawled passed it and out of the tree. doe eyes widened as she took in the sceneryโ a far cry from the color pallet sheโd grown used to these last nineteen months.
a bead of sweat trickled down her face, indicating that the furs she wore to keep warm in her wilderness were unnecessary hereโ so she removed them and allowed them to rest at the entrance. lottie, gentle and curious lottie, followed a trailโ her gaze lingering on every passing beauty. there was something so familiar about this place but she couldnโt quite put her finger on it. then she reached a dense forest and the trees spoke gentle praises to her as she meandered past them.
this place felt like home and even moreso when she saw herโ something so ethereal and so beautiful, lottie wasnโt sure she could be human. when the figure spoke to her, an emaciated and exhausted teenager sat down cross-legged beside her. โ myself. โ lottie answered with a sense of confidence that she had shed a piece of herself. โ a part of me that was forced to exist for the comfort of others. โ a beat passed of her staring at this being and she couldnโt shake how familiar she was. โ have i met you before? โ

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โ well ... everything. โ a beat. โ and correct me if i'm wrong, but you strike me as someone who has been living in armor for so long that you've forgotten the shape of your own skin. โ it was an observation, merely based on the few interactions they've had, but lottie's intuition had never steered her wrong. that was, after all, why elysian grove was so successful. โ am i wrong? โ
each gust of wind that swept through the canopy of trees was a slow, deep inhalationโ as if the forest itself was taking a breath. charlotte noticed the way it always felt more alive as the sun was beginning to set. it was less like a respiratory system, though, and more like a stomach, endlessly hungry and digesting everything that dared to enter it. amongst the ceaseless chirping of different insects, she heard something that was seemingly out of place. it was low at first, but it was enough to shift her attention from what charlie was trying to explain to her and have her hone in focus on the sound. โ shh, charlie. โ an index finger lifted into the air to silence the younger charlotteโ her eyes scanning the trees, and desperately trying to pinpoint the direction in which the crying was coming from. โ listen ... do you hear it right now? i hear it. โ
lottie understood his words, probably better than most. her love / hate relationship with being alive had been the driving force behind most of her impulsive decisions. there was a deep-rooted fear behind her words, a fear which was backed up by visions of how each of her friends would die. lottie would have preferred to go first to avoid having to see those visions come to fruition. even though it was relatable, she hated the idea that anyone else was in the same pain she dealt with on a daily basis, so a comforting hand found his shoulder. โ what if i told you that there's a reason you're still here? that you have a purpose. โ
the tension between shauna and natalie was thick enough to be cut with a knife, and natalie's acknowledgement of that was unsurprising. even in lottie's declining mental state, she was able to see that there was no love lost between the two girls. after all, it was her who appointed shauna their new leader in an attempt to save natalie's life after what the group viewed as a betrayal. โ i- โ there is part of her that wants to say she doesn't know how to be here without any of them, but the counterargument would just be to accept rescue. before lottie could get another word out, shauna announced that no one would be leaving. her ruling with an iron fist of violence scared the remaining team members into submission. when natalie walked off, lottie followed behind her and when they were in a secluded area without the others around, she reached out to stop her from walking further. โ please, nat, don't be mad. please. โ her tone was low, bordering on a plea. โ i just want you be safe. โ
even now, as they stand here twenty - five years after their lives had changed forever, lottie still heard the wordsโ ๐จ ๐ข๐ ๐ญ'๐ณ ๐ฃ๐ฎ ๐ข๐ฑ๐ ๐น๐ธ ๐ฑ๐จ๐ฆ๐ง๐ณ ๐ญ๐ฎ๐ถ, ๐ซ๐ฎ๐ณ. and part of her wondered if she was setting herself up for rejection, again, by proposing a solution that she wholeheartedly believed could save van's life. it was like that shared traumatic event had stunted each of their growths in different waysโ allowing the ancient deity that they woke up in those woods to continue devouring them bit by bit long after they'd been rescued. none of them had actually moved past their traumaโ lottie surely hadn'tโ even under the guise of mental wellness and an understanding of what they went through. no, she held onto itโ sunk her teeth into it, prayed to it, worshipped it. she never forgot what the wilderness felt like, and she had been chasing it ever since. this entire compound was a replica of the home they'd left behind and each person that walked through those gates was a potential sacrifice to the goddess she believed in. regardless, lottie understood the apprehension from taissa and why she was weary about trusting her at her word. she had long accepted her role as their savior, their punching bag, their scapegoatโ anything that allowed the survivors to cope with the things that they all had done out there. lottie knew that it was easier to shift the blame to her and her alleged delusions, rather than facing the reality of their own primal desires.
the doubt she heard in taissa's repetition of her own words was evident, but her eyes told a different story. there was a glint of wonder, curiosityโ something she recognized as a willingness to believe. lottie's features remain soft, painted with understanding. a look that said, ( i know you're afraid. afraid of what could happen, and afraid to be who you truly are. ) the confirmation of lottie's suspicions were answered in the next question, and she knew that taissa was finally paying attention. the reality of it was that lottie hadn't expected to get this far with her, tai had always been so bull-headed and stubborn. โ i can't tell you, tai, i have to show you. โ lottie wandered off back in the direction from where she came before approaching taissa and began rummaging through different compartments in various pieces of furniture. most of which were hidden from those on the compound. when she found the knife she'd been looking for, she turned around to face taissa again with it in her hand. โ taissa, don't freak out. i am not gonna hurt you. โ she took several steps forward before reaching out with the knife in hand, blade down, to hand it to taissa. โ i need you to cut your palm with this knife. it doesn't have to be deep, or big ... you just have to draw blood and you have to trust me. please, believe me. โ

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โ โโ * ย @huckberries , ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐: ย ๐ฒ๐ค๐ฌ๐จ - ๐ด๐ญ๐ฏ๐ฑ๐ฎ๐ฌ๐ฏ๐ณ๐ค๐ฃ ๐ฒ๐ณ๐ ๐ฑ๐ณ๐ค๐ฑ , โ โ โฝ ย โฐโฐโฐ ย โพ โ ย ยกยฟย
lottie was still in shock, the reality of natalieโs death was sending her into a tailspin of emotions. coping with that reality meant convincing herself that this was what the wilderness wanted, that natalie was an essential piece of the puzzle that she was trying to piece together to prove that she was, in fact, not insane. natalie was always Its favorite. the ride in the ambulance to the nearest hospital was painstakingly long and lottie did not speak a single word to the EMTs that were tending to her. she felt like she was on autopilot, existing on a plane that didnโt quite feel like she was grounded to earth.
if she were coherent, she would recognize it as dissociation. a natural response to a traumatic event where she found disconnecting from herself was much easier than dealing with the reality of what was happening around her. this dream-like state was maintained even once she was admitted to the ER in preparation to be moved to the dreaded thirteenth floorโ where sheโd be evaluated and held. all wards were the same, and in that sense, it unfortunately felt like a second home.
lottie was waiting to be examined when she heard the voice, familiar but not offering comfort in this time of need. โ we gave you what you wanted. โ she spoke back, as though It was a physical being standing in front of her. in the compartments of her mind, It was. โ we gave youโ โ she got choked up, finding herself unable to speak it out loud without a struggle. โ โnatalie. can that please be enough? โ
the curtain that separated her from the other patients opened and a young doctor stepped inside, introducing himself as dr. whitaker. lottieโs gaze immediately locked onto him, honing in on the shades of red and darkness of his aura. โ youโre in so much painโ โ
โ โโ * ย @ladyintree , ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐: ย ๐ข๐ฃ. ๐ฒ๐ซ๐ ๐ฌ๐ฒ ๐ฅ๐จ๐ฒ๐ณ ๐ฎ๐ญ๐ณ๐ฎ ๐ ๐ณ๐ ๐ก๐ซ๐ค ๐ถ๐จ๐ณ๐ง๐ฎ๐ด๐ณ ๐ฒ๐ ๐ธ๐จ๐ญ๐ฆ ๐ ๐ถ๐ฎ๐ฑ๐ฃ. , โ โ โฝ ย หขแตแตสณแถแต ย โพ โ ย ยกยฟย more prompts.
โ you are allowed to be angry, โ lottie spoke from a place of understanding and she recognized that anger as fear more than anything else. the idea of van succumbing to an illness, after nineteen months of surviving things that should have killed her, was a cruel sort of irony. and lottie, regardless of her various therapies and coping mechanisms, was still grieving for their potential loss internally. so, yes, she understood why taissa was angry and she allowed her to express that anger however she saw fit. โ you are allowed to be afraid, too. โ
it was then that taissa slammed her fist onto the table in what lottie recognized as a subtle fit of rage, but she didnโt flinch. instead, she sat in a chair close by with her hands clasped on her lapโ watching as her friend wrestled with the rollercoaster of emotions she must have been feeling. โ i canโ โ lottie struggled with the words, not because she didnโt know how to say them but because she wasnโt sure she could listen to the insistence that she was crazy and delusional. she was exhausted.
โ i can fix this, taissa. โ i could make her better, together we can save vanโs life. โ but not without sacrifice. โ or, rather, consequence. lottie was on her feet now, cautiously stepping closer to the other woman as to not invade her personal space. โ we are vessels, tai. we are who It chose to spread Its will. i-i thought when we were rescued that i was losing something, a piece of myself that i would never find againโ but i found her. she heals, she makes miracles happen everyday. i can save, van. we can save her. โ
lottie looked up from what she was doing upon hearing the knock on the door, and greeted yoojin with a warm smile. " good morning, " she stood up from the chair and gestured towards the couch. " we can talk about that, of course, but why don't you come in and have a seat? there's something else i would like to talk to you about. "
the blatant refusal to acknowledge that there was a greater power far beyond their comprehension was exhausting. years and years, and yearsโ she spent trying to reconnect with It while also attempting to be the model patient to the dozens of medical professionals whoโd made it their goal to โ fix her โ on her fatherโs dime. she processed the trauma in an unconventional wayโ by convincing herself that every action, every animalistic urge was a show of good faith to the god that claimed them out in the wilderness. โ youโre wrong. โ her tone was firm, no sign that her opinion could be swayed. โ i see It, even now, in your eyes. โ lottie maintained eye contact with the other woman for as long as she would allow her, as only shauna could break it. โ iโm looking at Itโ and Itโs so powerful. youโve starved It for twenty - five years, Itโs come to take what Its owed. โ
ย ย โย ย what do you think might happen if you relinquished control?ย ย โ ย ย ย ย
โฝ ย ยกยฟ ย โพ ย ย ย dialogue starter call.ย ย ย ย ,ย ย ย ย acceptingโ โ ...โ โ แจโ ๐ ฐแจเผฏ +โย ย ย ๐๐๐๐ก.ย ย ย ย larissa weems.ย ย ย ย ,ย ย @scyftan.

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ย ย โย ย i've seen you die , nat โฆ we can't go back.ย ย โ ย ย ย ย
โฝ ย ยกยฟ ย โพ ย ย ย dialogue starter call.ย ย ย ย ,ย ย ย ย acceptingโ โ ...โ โ แจโ ๐ ฐแจเผฏ +โย ย ย ๐๐๐๐ก.ย ย ย ย natalie scatorccio.ย ย ย ย ,ย ย @bckyrdhthn.
ย ย โย ย will you come draw my blood, mrs. matthews? we'll make it ... an intimate affair.ย ย โ ย ย ย ย
โฝ ย ยกยฟ ย โพ ย ย ย dialogue starter call.ย ย ย ย ,ย ย ย ย acceptingโ โ ...โ โ แจโ ๐ ฐแจเผฏ +โย ย ย ๐๐๐๐ก.ย ย ย ย laura lee matthews.ย ย ย ย ,ย ย ย @doevouts.