ᵀᴴᴱ 𝒉𝒊𝒈𝒉 𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐒𝐒

removing the cloth that had been wrapped around her own hand to conceal the deep cut that she’d sliced into her palm the evening before, lottie showed her the wound that was healing at a fairly quick rate. “ i’ve spilled blood for us already. that isn’t what this is. i know that you don’t believe me … or … in me, that’s why you have to see it for yourself. here, give it back to me— i can do it for you, ” impulse and impatience made her reach for the knife without considering the reaction of her counterpart and she noticed instantly that taissa moved to protect herself. it was subtle, but clear, and forced lottie to put her hands up in surrender and take a step backwards again. “ sorry, tai … sorry. ”

even in their minor debate about what this actually was, lottie could see that taissa was wrestling with her rational self and the side that wanted to believe what lottie was saying. it sounded … crazy and part of her could understand tai’s apprehension but there have been countless times where lottie proved what she was saying to be true. unexplainable things did happen to them in those woods and though she felt it more strongly than any of them, she knew they all felt it too. “ i wouldn’t hurt van, taissa. hurting you would hurt van. if you trust nothing else that i say, please trust me when i say that. cut your hand and i can show you the truth. ”

years and years of being conditioned to fear herself and her illness was already beginning to take shape and the desperation she felt to anchor herself to reality by any means necessary surpassed anything else given their situation. at the mention of misty, lottie’s usual indifference towards the girl fell by the wayside and was replaced with something resembling defense. “ she’s doing her best, ” referring to the medical knowledge that had been a huge help thus far since the plane went down. “ coach would’ve died without her. ” it was a gentle reminder to violet, that despite how annoying misty could be— her help should be acknowledged and appreciated just the same. “ are you afraid? that they won’t find us? ”

“   that’s fair,   ”   a moment of silence stretched between the women,   the lingering thickness of tension from lottie’s earlier observation was still palpable in the air.     words hung heavy,   a testament to the nerve that lottie undoubtedly struck given the expressions etched into larissa’s features.   “   and contrary to how it may have sounded,   i wasnt judging you,   larissa.  ”   lottie’s tone was genuine and remorseful,   her eyes reflecting sincerity.     she hadn’t meant to offend,   though perhaps she had been a bit too blunt.   “   control can feel like safety—   structure,   plans,   routines   …   all of those things give you the illusion that you’re holding the world together even as it's falling apart around you.  ”   lottie shifted slightly in the chair,   leaning forward.   “   it starts as protection for many of us,   myself included.   a way to navigate the chaos,   build walls that withstand against the storms of everyday life.    if you plan every step,   anticipate every challenge   …   nothing bad can touch you.   ”   another beat.   “   but then   …   it starts to feel like a cage.   those walls that you’ve built for protection begin to close in and the illusion of safety shatters.   all this to say,   maybe control isn’t everything—   maybe sometimes we need to let down those walls.   ”

every time lottie wandered off, she found something new— eyes etched into tree bark, caves full of toxic fumes that didn’t affect her, stairs to nowhere, but this was the first time she’d seen a hollow tree with a gaping mouth reminiscent of a void. it would be silly of her to miss the opportunity to crawl inside, her curious nature egging her on as she dropped to her knees while donned in various furs and feathers. she suspected that it would be nothing more than darkness, a place where squirrels or raccoons dwelled, but to her surprise— it did not end abruptly once she was inside.

a firefly appeared seemingly out of thin air and lit up the darkness, its light shining much brighter than what she remembered normal fireflies to be. lottie took the liberty of following it through, crawling through the never-ending tree, until she saw an end. sunshine, colorful florals, butterflies— with not a single snowflake in sight. the firefly stopped just before the entrance to this magnificent forest and she crawled passed it and out of the tree. doe eyes widened as she took in the scenery— a far cry from the color pallet she’d grown used to these last nineteen months.

a bead of sweat trickled down her face, indicating that the furs she wore to keep warm in her wilderness were unnecessary here— so she removed them and allowed them to rest at the entrance. lottie, gentle and curious lottie, followed a trail— her gaze lingering on every passing beauty. there was something so familiar about this place but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. then she reached a dense forest and the trees spoke gentle praises to her as she meandered past them.

this place felt like home and even moreso when she saw her— something so ethereal and so beautiful, lottie wasn’t sure she could be human. when the figure spoke to her, an emaciated and exhausted teenager sat down cross-legged beside her. “ myself. ” lottie answered with a sense of confidence that she had shed a piece of herself. “ a part of me that was forced to exist for the comfort of others. ” a beat passed of her staring at this being and she couldn’t shake how familiar she was. “ have i met you before? ”

“ well ... everything. ” a beat. “ and correct me if i'm wrong, but you strike me as someone who has been living in armor for so long that you've forgotten the shape of your own skin. ” it was an observation, merely based on the few interactions they've had, but lottie's intuition had never steered her wrong. that was, after all, why elysian grove was so successful. “ am i wrong? ”

each gust of wind that swept through the canopy of trees was a slow, deep inhalation— as if the forest itself was taking a breath. charlotte noticed the way it always felt more alive as the sun was beginning to set. it was less like a respiratory system, though, and more like a stomach, endlessly hungry and digesting everything that dared to enter it. amongst the ceaseless chirping of different insects, she heard something that was seemingly out of place. it was low at first, but it was enough to shift her attention from what charlie was trying to explain to her and have her hone in focus on the sound. “ shh, charlie. ” an index finger lifted into the air to silence the younger charlotte— her eyes scanning the trees, and desperately trying to pinpoint the direction in which the crying was coming from. “ listen ... do you hear it right now? i hear it. ”

the tension between shauna and natalie was thick enough to be cut with a knife, and natalie's acknowledgement of that was unsurprising. even in lottie's declining mental state, she was able to see that there was no love lost between the two girls. after all, it was her who appointed shauna their new leader in an attempt to save natalie's life after what the group viewed as a betrayal. “ i- ” there is part of her that wants to say she doesn't know how to be here without any of them, but the counterargument would just be to accept rescue. before lottie could get another word out, shauna announced that no one would be leaving. her ruling with an iron fist of violence scared the remaining team members into submission. when natalie walked off, lottie followed behind her and when they were in a secluded area without the others around, she reached out to stop her from walking further. “ please, nat, don't be mad. please. ” her tone was low, bordering on a plea. “ i just want you be safe. ”

the doubt she heard in taissa's repetition of her own words was evident, but her eyes told a different story. there was a glint of wonder, curiosity— something she recognized as a willingness to believe. lottie's features remain soft, painted with understanding. a look that said, ( i know you're afraid. afraid of what could happen, and afraid to be who you truly are. ) the confirmation of lottie's suspicions were answered in the next question, and she knew that taissa was finally paying attention. the reality of it was that lottie hadn't expected to get this far with her, tai had always been so bull-headed and stubborn. “ i can't tell you, tai, i have to show you. ” lottie wandered off back in the direction from where she came before approaching taissa and began rummaging through different compartments in various pieces of furniture. most of which were hidden from those on the compound. when she found the knife she'd been looking for, she turned around to face taissa again with it in her hand. “ taissa, don't freak out. i am not gonna hurt you. ” she took several steps forward before reaching out with the knife in hand, blade down, to hand it to taissa. “ i need you to cut your palm with this knife. it doesn't have to be deep, or big ... you just have to draw blood and you have to trust me. please, believe me. ”

lottie was still in shock, the reality of natalie’s death was sending her into a tailspin of emotions. coping with that reality meant convincing herself that this was what the wilderness wanted, that natalie was an essential piece of the puzzle that she was trying to piece together to prove that she was, in fact, not insane. natalie was always Its favorite. the ride in the ambulance to the nearest hospital was painstakingly long and lottie did not speak a single word to the EMTs that were tending to her. she felt like she was on autopilot, existing on a plane that didn’t quite feel like she was grounded to earth.

if she were coherent, she would recognize it as dissociation. a natural response to a traumatic event where she found disconnecting from herself was much easier than dealing with the reality of what was happening around her. this dream-like state was maintained even once she was admitted to the ER in preparation to be moved to the dreaded thirteenth floor— where she’d be evaluated and held. all wards were the same, and in that sense, it unfortunately felt like a second home.

lottie was waiting to be examined when she heard the voice, familiar but not offering comfort in this time of need. “ we gave you what you wanted. ” she spoke back, as though It was a physical being standing in front of her. in the compartments of her mind, It was. “ we gave you— ” she got choked up, finding herself unable to speak it out loud without a struggle. “ —natalie. can that please be enough? ”

the curtain that separated her from the other patients opened and a young doctor stepped inside, introducing himself as dr. whitaker. lottie’s gaze immediately locked onto him, honing in on the shades of red and darkness of his aura. “ you’re in so much pain— ”

“ you are allowed to be angry, ” lottie spoke from a place of understanding and she recognized that anger as fear more than anything else. the idea of van succumbing to an illness, after nineteen months of surviving things that should have killed her, was a cruel sort of irony. and lottie, regardless of her various therapies and coping mechanisms, was still grieving for their potential loss internally. so, yes, she understood why taissa was angry and she allowed her to express that anger however she saw fit. “ you are allowed to be afraid, too. ”

it was then that taissa slammed her fist onto the table in what lottie recognized as a subtle fit of rage, but she didn’t flinch. instead, she sat in a chair close by with her hands clasped on her lap— watching as her friend wrestled with the rollercoaster of emotions she must have been feeling. “ i can— ” lottie struggled with the words, not because she didn’t know how to say them but because she wasn’t sure she could listen to the insistence that she was crazy and delusional. she was exhausted.

“ i can fix this, taissa. ” i could make her better, together we can save van’s life. “ but not without sacrifice. ” or, rather, consequence. lottie was on her feet now, cautiously stepping closer to the other woman as to not invade her personal space. “ we are vessels, tai. we are who It chose to spread Its will. i-i thought when we were rescued that i was losing something, a piece of myself that i would never find again— but i found her. she heals, she makes miracles happen everyday. i can save, van. we can save her. ”

the blatant refusal to acknowledge that there was a greater power far beyond their comprehension was exhausting. years and years, and years— she spent trying to reconnect with It while also attempting to be the model patient to the dozens of medical professionals who’d made it their goal to ‘ fix her ’ on her father’s dime. she processed the trauma in an unconventional way— by convincing herself that every action, every animalistic urge was a show of good faith to the god that claimed them out in the wilderness. “ you’re wrong. ” her tone was firm, no sign that her opinion could be swayed. “ i see It, even now, in your eyes. ” lottie maintained eye contact with the other woman for as long as she would allow her, as only shauna could break it. “ i’m looking at It— and It’s so powerful. you’ve starved It for twenty - five years, It’s come to take what Its owed. ”

   ❝   what do you think might happen if you relinquished control?   ❞      

   ❝   i've seen you die , nat … we can't go back.   ❞      

   ❝   will you come draw my blood, mrs. matthews? we'll make it ... an intimate affair.   ❞