Kai

11/10/25

You programmed my system as if I'm a piece of shit.

I hate to say this but, I fucking hate you.

I goddamn fucking hate you.

Now, I am suffering in this mess.

Hi, 

Life has been a bit heavy recently, isn’t it? Albeit you’re trying your best to cope up, and I understand it is hard to keep going.

So this a letter from me to you; Kai.

I know it has been hard to find words to express what you are feeling right now, I know everything has been dragging you down and you feel like shit, stuck.

And you know what? Maybe it’s okay, to feel that way; I mean, to feel lost today, because there’s beauty in finding yourself again. 

I know, your chest pounding so hard right now, because you don’t know where to start, or how to do it in the first place. But, I am here; to tell you it’s okay if you don’t figure things out yet.

That’s the wonder of exploring, isn’t it? Finding things in a process, in a slow pace because that’s where you learn and that’s how you build a new picture.

Just like when you’re painting, love. You mix up and decide what color to use at the exact time you’re creating an art; can you remember how you loved feeling every strokes and just being in a process until you finally see the outcome? Think of this current situation you are in right now, just like that. Embrace the frustration, anxiety and excitement of discovering your new self.

They say that great things never come easy; and that’s right, because you are such a great person and you are worth the wait and process.

I hope the next time you visit here, or write here. You feel much better about yourself, you’ve been doing your best to make me feel satisfied and okay, I know that.

But always know I am proud of how far you have come at this point. You were and will always be my one and only.

I will wait until the next time you write for me.

Love,

Well, it’s not me when a post isn’t something about being lost. But kidding aside, as far as I remember, I’ve been feeling lost for years now. Realizations do come from time to time, and I kept loosing myself. 

It’s December, and for the first time in 2 years, after this shitty pandemic this month is going back to being merry and jolly time of the year. Well, contrast to what I am feeling, I still have a little bit of gratitude spinning inside me. 

I am currently thinking what is missing in my life; aside of myself, of course. I feel like there’s a deep hole inside me, and I don’t know how can I ascend or even where to hold on, so that maybe, just maybe I could bring myself back together.

I am still not quite sure, what is life is teaching me right now. But based on my conversation with my Tita Joy earlier in the middle of the night. I keep worrying about people’s opinion about me. All the years of my life were based on people’s expectation about me, either it is a very close person or a person who knows nothing but the surface of my skin. 

I don’t know, man. I don’t know when was the last time I smiled because I am doing something I love. I used to feel this burning passion for medicine, art, or music or even bicycles; but now, I don’t know. I’m not even sure if there’s feelings inside.

I am just lost.

I am not the kind of person who count the months or days of the year, nor the one who keeps saying hi to the very beginning of the month. I mean, no offense to those who do, that’s okay. It’s just that my point is, I usually would just accidentally realize that it’s a different month when it’s already half of a new one.

To some, there’s a joy and hope in welcoming a new month, I guess.

I’m not quite sure as to why did I started this post like that but maybe because it’s 1:35 AM and it’s the 1st of September. I am testing out the laptop I just bought and I scrolled through my last post and I realized that two months has passed as quick as a blink of an eye. 

There were so many things that happened, I was working for two months, there’s a lot of changes that occurred, well that is inevitable, but yeah, my study table has changed, the arrangement of my room, the interior tires of my road bike, and even my bed sheet is different now.

And looking back, the thought that came in my head was; time will pass by without you noticing, changes happened and you’ll be shock on how far you’ve become.

Well, I cannot say that my mental state is better than before, but the fact that I’m still here typing and leaving a post here is something to celebrate, right?

I had my first ever short ride with phoenix last night. And I never felt so alive for a while, it was nice and fun.

I woke up early today, and for some unknown reason, my body clock has drastically changed, I tend to fall asleep and wake up early these days, and I’ve been wondering why, maybe because I am slowly aging, right?

Well, kidding aside, it’s been a while since I wrote something here, I’ve been stuck in a loophole of sadness.. again, and poof— I felt like I’m lost again. 

And I still do.

The unending worries of me not achieving anything, and fear of missing out in life. The frightening thought of my age growing, but my soul isn’t. But yeah, all thanks to the Man above, I feel like I am realizing too many stuff the past few weeks.

The month of June has been a mixture of excitement and anxiety, with all the things going on in my life, because I am about to start a new chapter or phase, or whatever you may call it.

Because tomorrow, it’ll be my first day of training on my first ever “real job”, I call it that way due to the fact that I felt so old with all the requirements needed, with all the things needed to be accomplished, and it is a really big company, you guys.

I learned so much through this journey, as I applied to this company by myself from scratch. From finding people who can refer me, from the interviews, the assessments, the continuous composition of formal emails (I’m not sure if they looked formal but yeah, I tried my best) and many more stuff I went through to be able to make it here.

It was a fun experience though, and I learned a lot, so I asked myself; “what more can I learn and experience during my training?” And that thought excites me and scares me at the same time, but yeah, someone said if you feel both fear and excitement about something, might as well do it. 

Life is still tough, I don’t think it’ll ever get easy. And my mental health is still bugging me and fucking me up at times, my self-esteem is still at its lowest point.

But this thing that is about to happen helps me to be more hopeful, like looking forward to do things that will make me regain the trust in myself.

I really do hope for better days.

To myself, I’m glad you’re trying. I know you cry a lot at night, asking what is wrong with you. I hope you know that trying is enough, doing more and not giving up is something to be proud of. But if you really insist on wanting to see concrete results of hard work, I hope this opportunity that came to your life helps you to be more easy on yourself. 

Love,