Trials and Tribulations of a senior English cunt

2015 is amongst us. Yes, another year, the world still seems to orbit around the sun despite global waring, escalating conflicts, decadence, and many other stupid factors. If you are one of the the sad shits who placed hope on this year being something similar to the Back to the Future movies, well I must say I'm one of you. In any case it's great to still be around. Of course, I am beyond disgusted with how the world continues to de-evolve. I overheard some ponces conversing about how kids nowadays are soooo much more advanced and less innocent...I couldn't help but grunting and laughing out loud a quite horrid old man laugh. I was about to explain that kids nowadays are soft as cheap pillows and probably couldn't endure the same way previous generations had, but I had to get off the train. Of course I was given one of these american-sitcom style looks in which they don't really look at you but they look at somewhere else and make their eyes really wide. I felt like grabbing my crotch and uttering some filthy insult but these days the size of my crotch has increased considerably due to old man's problems so I just left it.  

WORLD CUP FEVER WITH A GERMAN CAT

So the bleeding World Cup is finally here yet again. I can't say I'll ever find any event as exciting as back in 1966 when I had the pleasure of watching the three Lions lift the cup at Wembley... And though back in those days Football was arguably a complete different ballgame, I still enjoyed the bittersweet affair till nowadays. As some of you might know I'm a lonely old geezer with not many friends left but occasionally I manage to enjoy a few Lagers with a young Cat that lives in my building. He's German to the bone, and although he is officially 'British Short Hair' my attempts at converting him to the English side have all been greeted with bites, scratches and the occasional fart. Not that out conversations go on for too long, after all he is a cat and his English meowing skills are somewhat limited. Nonetheless we have been watching most games together and have so far enjoyed the sights as one does with this particular event.

 So let me begin by namedropping some fellas and my thoughts and those of my Special guest, Pastrami the Cat:

Jogi Löw:

Me:  This Lad is totally sound. Look at that mop-top. He also shows a distinct authority in terms of dressing, which is rare amongst German males in the 21st century. There has been speculation about him and his habits, but quite frankly, I believe that jealousy is a stinky cologne. 

Pastrami: Absolute class. Best looking coach, he should play and show them bitches how it's done. We are the best and we will show all the dog loving nations, and also those that love birds. Fuck off and feel the German Wrath. 

Lionel Messi:

Me: The flipping argie Pulga's time to shine better come now because my scrotum is dry from hearing how amazing he is. I know he's fucking amazing but he has to shine in an international tournament with his argie squad and prove that old rumor about short fellas.

Pastrami: I hate the midget bastard. Deadly striker though.

Cristiano Ronaldo:

Me: The pretty looking grease ball is a deadly asset to any team but to be honest I think that I would have to agree with 98% of the world and partake in the hatred he breeds. I still believe he is a Death Machine and arguably the fittest player out there (Sorry Zlatan you would take that title but you didn't fuckin qualify)

Pastrami: Fuck that tit. 

Neymar:

Me: It's the Brazilian's time to shine as well. Granted, the Lad's young but if he gets in the right mood he will be leaving many a nation butt hurt and talking shit for ages to cum (see what I did there).

Pastrami: He can lick my spiky dick. 

Arjen Robben: 

Me: the baldy Dutchman is back with murderous revenge. I suppose he must have been accumulating a lot of milk in his goulies from the last world cup because he impaled the poor Spaniards with precision and  destructive force. I know he is a bitter cunt when it comes to finals but maybe that can change this year.

Pastrami: Don't make me laugh that penis head can fuck off back to Bayern and talk about hair growth alternatives with his equally repulsive coach Pep. Germany is better (and we have no baldies)

Iker Casillas:

Me: I have to confess it did pain me a bit to see his performance in the opening game wane like it did.  Granted, the cunt has won it all, but you could see the pain and disappointment of the whole Iberian Peninsula in his eyes after the third goal. Still...just one game is up maybe the bullfighters still have some of it left in them and manage to pull off being the best squad ever.

Pastrami: What kind of name is Iker anyway? He should go back to Mostoles and eat Paella. Neuer is better.

Andrea Pirlo:

Me: Forza Pirlo! I have to say I have a soft spot for the Eye-.Talians when it comes to Footie and food. Who the fuck doesn't?? Well maybe the frogs but anyway, I have to say this is one of the players that I enjoy watching the most. In a class of his own, a classic , thinker-player with an incredible skill. 

Pastrami: If he scores against Germany I will scratch his balls after I poo to infect them.

Wayne Rooney:

Me: As a bitter Englishman I must say I would be pleasantly surprised if this northern dwarf plant a Rooney Bomb or two, but i am a realist above all and I have lost faith in the three lions after 1990. I hope his hair transplant is not messing his playing skills...

Pastrami: Hahahahahahaha I'm a cat, I don't like bulldogs.

Mats Hummels:

Me: Yeah he has the best hair in Germany after Jogi. Word. he injured his knee though...

Pastrami:  A superb world-class defender, noble, good-looking, tall and who scores against unethical Portuguese bastards. Yes, take note rest of the world Germany is going to win win win and I will  drink Müller Milch to celebrate.

Fahrschein Bitte...

So as a man of the volk and also due to the appalling traffic in Berlin lately, I like to indulge occasionally in a bit of the public transport. To my surprise the Fahrschein fares have raised once again to flippin 2, 60!!! I suppose we have to thank the hordes of gentrifying shits that continue to infest the German capital in the hunt for fuck knows what.  It is no secret anymore that Berlin is a rather accessible city financially but it's lovely proletarian character is being quickly gang raped by flocks of american former trust funders, mediocre australian musicians, kiwi inbred nannies, unemployed hairy spaniards, loud italians with appalling accents, ironic swedes with too much knowledge of hip hop for their own good, rubbish talking Dublin chancers, the occasional canadian, etc. etc. I know, I know, sounding like your typical "I was here before you" cunt but, here, cunt I WAS HERE before you. ( I been here since '45 with Monty actually so fuck right off)

Hardy Amies Spring/Summer 2013  Although I am an old fart…no, let me correct that a really really old flatulence in time, I still feel compelled to the occasional menswear review. Now, I have always loved the Mod look, and most of all the history and ethos behind it. Of course such a smart look was doomed to be taken over by wankers and knobheads decades later like 99% of the great things of humanity but anyway enough rambling about shit, let’s focus on this new impeccable collection by Hardy Amies for 2013, I tell youse if my testicles weren’t the size of a rugby ball I’d love to model one of these bad boys when I go to buy vegetables in Aldi or when I play Bingo on sundays…Also the fact that they are probably way beyond my budget makes it an impossible dream to materialize…One thing for sure is that I DID NOT enjoy the video made for the autumn/winter collection with the Jam’s “Modern World” in the background. I think, since it was shot in the tube, “Down In The Tube Station At Midnight” would have been much more Down In The Tube Station At Midnight as it really depicts much more accurately the working class struggles and quite frankly I wouldn’t mind seeing those two ponces getting the shit kicked out by some discontent yobs…