Dizzy Atmosphere

I don't have words to express the unkindness I have felt because of L. He is truly the most self-centered and cruel person I have ever met. There is nothing good in his heart.

Two nights ago, he didn't come home until 4:40am and woke me up with the slamming door. For the whole day, I had a lot of pressure in my head, felt dizzy, and my heart was beating fast from crying and having only two hours of sleep.

We went on a walk with one of my friends, so he was nice to me for that short time. But as soon as we were home again, he was moody and wouldn't leave. I told him I need to work on my dissertation, but he spent two hours "getting ready" to head out. He deliberately made sure I couldn't work.

And then before he left, he told me he wanted to give me a massage. I didn't want one. But if I refused, he would turn sour again, and treat me like shit. So I let him. It started as a massage, but it didn't take long for him to start groping me through my sweater, and then pulling up my shirt. Then damaging my bra so he could grope me and see me at the same time. I spent the time trying to gentle end the "massage" so he would leave.

Later, he asked if I felt comfortable with his touch. If I said no, he would have blown up at me. So I said yes.

After dinner, he wanted to go out by himself. He promised he would go to bed early, but instead he came home at 4am again.

When I asked him why he didn't keep his promise, he refused to answer. I told him I can't handle so much instability and never getting any sleep, with him coming in and out at odd hours. We live in a one-room unit. The door wakes me up, and I can't fall asleep wondering when he'll come home. It is miserable.

At 4:15am last night, he grabbed my arms, backed me into a corner, and bashed his head against my forehead. The impact made my front teeth clatter together. I sat on the floor crying.

He told me to call the police on him; I crawled into bed, forehead burning from the impact and heart heavy knowing he really doesn't care about my wellbeing.

This morning, he was all cheery and bright, trying to give kisses and happily wish me a good morning. He always does this after he has been cruel—pretends like nothing happened. He told me we could go pick up a puzzle I've been wanting to get. He left at 9:30am. The room smelt like his body wash and I felt sick.

Of course, he broke the promise. The store closes at 5:30pm. He told me he forgot. He was sleeping in his car after an appointment, and watching youtube videos. He is addicted to youtube, and usually watches for 5+ hours each day. He's on "sick leave" from work, but he spends all his time pleasuring himself and looking at women online. His youtube history is videos with women in bras and underwear, and scenes of women undressing. That, or videos of war/battles. In the past, he has loved watching videos about concubines and prostitutes.

When I asked if we could go somewhere else instead, since he missed the puzzle, he told me I was ridiculous. I am too needy and he needs a break from me. He went to dinner without me. I didn't talk to him at all today, and he broke his promise to me about getting the puzzle—the one thing I was excited to do. And yet he think I'm the problem, and he does nothing to make it right. He thinks only of himself.

He has hit me in the past. He pushed me into a closet at our old home. He lies to me, is cruel, and never comforts when he causes harm. He just says "sorry," and moves on. He doesn't care about the impact he has on me. He doesn't care if I am sad or hurt, or if he's the one causing so much suffering. He'll just keep doing it again and again.

He manipulates every story so he's in the "right." And usually, it means ignoring everything he's done wrong. He'll say "yea, I acknowledge it." But he does nothing, shows no remorse or care. Shrugs his shoulders, feels entitled. Never does anything to make anyone else feel safe or calm or loved.

I do not know if I should ask to change the lock on my room, to end things finally. I want to run away from him, but am scared. He owes me a lot of money, and can be so manipulative and cruel. I am scared of the further hurt and fear and uncertainty he would cause. He loves to research things and use it against people—he would do that to me.

Maybe I should just leave everything for him, and start fresh on my own. Be grateful I was able to leave before he destroyed everything in my life.

He gropes me, lies, hits, verbally and emotionally abuses, and offers no care or comfort. He is ugly when he's angry—truly so heartless. He doesn't know how to have conversations—only arguments. He never learned how to communicate. I see all these things.

Why do I struggle to leave? He is beyond cruel. He is so selfish and self-centered. I don't know why I can't leave. Am I holding on to the lies he made me believe at the start of our relationship? Because I tried?

I know he is monstrous. He shows acquaintances a different side of himself, and so most people don't think that. But one of my neighbours said people have weird feelings about him. This gives me hope that if I left, people would understand that it was him, not me, who was the problem.

Someone give me the courage to end my relationship with L?

He has shown me he won’t go out of his way to meet my needs. We had a fight yesterday about the election, and haven't talked for over 24hrs. He told me a moment ago that he’s staying somewhere else tonight. When I told him I am not well, and that it was urgent, he chose to stick with his original plan.

Even with the election, he only cared about his needs and opinions. He said “I don’t want to bring politics into the relationship,” and I said that politics is important to me. But he doesn’t care about finding a compromise between us.

I think I’m scared of trying to deal with everything alone. Paying rent, medical care, just getting through every difficult day and knowing you have someone to hug. But the reality is that he doesn’t care about me, my values, my mental health, my well-being.

I need to leave him even though it will be so difficult and so exhausting. Even though I am drowning, and can barely get myself to work or exercise or shower.

He does not care when I am hurt or need help. He will always do what is convenient for him. I am not loved or safe with him. I fear I will never find someone who really loves me. (At least now I can pretend to others that I am loveable.)

G and I spent last Sunday and Monday together. He picked me up early in the morning, and we drove to a beautiful part of the island and hiked for a few hours. We talked about so much—his family, movies, work, nature. We joked. We had lunch and shared a cheesecake; he stole my fries and a bite of my sandwich. We drove around, visited a museum, shops he liked, a strip mall, a yarn store. He invited me for dinner the next night. We ate together, found an ice cream shop to celebrate my chapter.

I realized by the end of the weekend that we aren’t some miraculous love story. He will not whisk me away from my unhappiness. There’s a familiar feeling between us now, a casual friendship maybe. The way he touches my hand is endearing, but only to me. I’m not someone he loves spending time with; I’m not someone he would deliberately seek out, and find ways to talk to. For the first time, I can accept that.

I feel oddly still inside. I booked a few weeks away from work, and hope to find joy in daily life again. This is life without that fantasy to keep me going—like a room after the sunset glow had illuminated it so brightly. It’s a little blue, a little chilly. It’s okay and plain.

A conclusion regarding G. I reached out to him about visiting the island next weekend. I asked if he wants to have his favourite soup together while I'm there—the one he recommended. He didn’t open the message, but was active all day in the group chat. He knew I was asking to see him, but he chose to ignore it, which is answer enough.

The man flew to see me, spent the whole day with me, sent me postcards from every city and country he visited, kissed my cheek last he saw me. Told me he would find a reason to visit again soon. Told me two weeks ago that there was nothing he would love more than to drive to NY with me for a greek performance. Christ.

He seems lovely, but I think he just likes shiny new things. I feel angry at him—why?

It’s better to know. It’s an ending even though I wish he told me directly. I'll still visit the island without seeing him, but this has shown me that I'm more alone than I thought.

I don’t understand why I can’t bring myself to leave. Every time I get close to ending the relationship, all the small things well up inside—I remember our names for each other, inside jokes, the way we met (an archive). It’s all such a huge part of me now.

But he lies to me about big things and small things. Major things. He cheated on me. More than once. He calls me crazy in arguments, he derails conversations to avoid the real issue, to deflect from the things he did. He shows everyone a different side of himself than who he is at home. Outside, he’s outgoing and fun and generous. At home, he’s irritable, impatient, cold and unempathetic. He literally saved a YouTube video about how to manipulate people. I can’t make this up. He doesn’t care about my wellbeing—he doesn’t accept me for who I am (if I’m too quiet in public, he actually gets angry at me… I once spoke too quietly and he said I’m not the kind of person he wants to be with). He isn’t romantic, and never plans dates. To put it vaguely, I’ve never enjoyed intimacy. It’s always just what he wants, quick and done. I feel gross after. I cry in the bathroom.

He lies, and then blames me for having trust issues. He doesn’t take responsibility for all the incredible hurt he has caused. He doesn’t do anything to fix it either—he just tells me to trust him again. It’s my fault apparently.

I know he isn’t a very good person. So why can’t I leave? He doesn’t appreciate the people in his life. Me, his coworkers, his family… he yells at his mom. He told her it was her fault that her birthday dinner didn’t go well. He is borderline cruel. He’s close to getting fired because he spends his time watching porn and tv shows instead of finishing his work on time.

I spent this Wednesday with G. I thought he would want to get coffee and talk for an hour or so, but he asked to spend the whole day together.

When I first saw him in the morning, he was reading a book. He kissed my cheek and apologized for his stubble (no razors through airport security).

It felt comfortable with him, apart from the times I worried I might be too boring. But he texted me after we parted ways, and again each day since.

I’m not sure if he’s extra kind to me, or if he treats everyone this way. He offered to lend me his car for a three week long trip, and said he would go with me depending on the time—he would go on a trip with me? Maybe he didn’t think about it too deeply. We shared food, he bought me a gift, he told me about his personal life and things he said he doesn’t share with people.

I keep thinking about what I might be missing by being with L. He doesn't treat me like a person with feelings. I feel utterly stripped by him.

But I keep thinking that life has reached a crossroad—there's someone else who has been there longer, who has always kind of been there. But who I haven't been able to see since moving away.

It's G. We started as strangers in a seminar room eight years ago. I didn't even see him, I just heard his voice when he asked the guest speaker a question. And I thought, wow, what a unique voice. Who is this person? And then time passed and he would sit with me at events. We shared handouts (my hand was a little shaky, nervous). Went for coffee in the evening. Worked together. Small things. Bigger things. More interactions. And then L showed an interest and I was so eager to be in a relationship, that I went for it.

Covid. Nothing. Then G emailed, and we had Zoom meetings together in the summer. These ended after the-worst-thing happened and I spiralled into depression again. A wisp gone, evaportated.

A year and a half later: a redirected reunion via email. Hello. Signing his name with "yours". Calling me "cara", Dear. Weekly meetings, and twice a week in the summer, for the last year and a half. Asking for my address. Sending me a postcard from abroad, with an image that perfectly matched me and what I love. Sending me a photo of himself. Sending me hearts on my facebook posts, private messages. Wanting to melt into him. The thoughtfulness somewhat jarring. The witty banter trying to light a spark that has long been out at whatever core is left in me. The way he pushes me to do things, yet senses when it's too much for me—and his care feels like a blanket, or invisible hand. I won't get hurt, I can tell. He invited me to his home a while ago; I said I couldn't.

He planned to visit me last month. He wanted to stay here with me, but of course there wasn't much I could do. I don't know where the boundaries are—how he really thinks of me. It would have been easy to find out if I was living alone, with this space feeling like my own. Decorated how I would want it—not with the boxes and piles of collected "freebies" that L keeps. My home is just his storage container. Plastic cups and cords piled high in the corner. Spare fridges. Nothing like the home I had when I lived alone, with my candles, art, books, soft blankets.

What surprised me is that G was coming here only for me. Or at least, that's how it seemed.

He didn't end up visiting—I don't really know why. A much delayed flight, maybe something I didn't pick up on. But just the other day, he said he plans to visit again in a month. How different life could be if I ended things with L, who makes me cry most nights and doesn't come to bed until 3 or 4am. If I ended things with him, and could just enjoy myself. Be around someone who actually sees me and finds talking to me interesting, who makes my heart feel something. Even if it didn't turn into anything, just to be single and feel that excitement of two likeminded people getting to know each other. To be able to interact with someone without the entire burden and weight of my relationship draining the light out of me. To find air and kindness. Laughter—we make each other laugh breathlessly sometimes... how is that possible for two people?

He shared riddles with me posted in the english department—he still walks through my old department on the way to the bus. We celebrate his dog's birthday. He told our zoom group that one of the best things that happened to him that week was talking to me about birds.

I imagine a Saturday morning, waking up in a clean home and cooking veggies. With him. He like veggies, and I like veggies. I imagine going for autumn walks with him, and watching netflix at night. Small, silly joys. I imagine hearing him talk about his research. I imagine talking about mine. I imagine him teasing me—not criticizing me and stripping me apart, but because he cherishes the closeness that made teasing possible. Out of comfort and belonging.

by one soft impulse saved from vacancy. It’s all I can think about lately—how often I have thought I simply cannot keep going, and how each time I recover the next round is only worse. i spent the entire day feeling everything and capable of doing nothing. In the past, I have tried to make things better. there is no better.

Funny how he lies to me when it’s convenient for him, and then says “you wanted me to be honest” when i am breaking down and he does nothing to comfort or care. He watches blank faced.