THINGS LEFT UNSPOKEN

her nose, her eyes.

oh, and that unbelievably similar smile.

no wonder he has a crush on her, terribly.

-

"what could u do?"

also,

watching her/him adoring someone else religiously, adoring her/his internet crush, like, more often than trying to excitedly talk to u .. like, unconciously doing what her/his crush is doing .. and like, responding or following to every post of her/his crush in almost every new posts

-

and u could only see them from afar

-

.. while u're injured and having nothing to give or offer, or even make them happy.

-

hembus angin pun berbeda arah sama sekali.

kepala dikacaukan buruknya mimpi,

Seems like I'm very much alike my father .. He's always good to everyone, like or dislike, he always managed to be good to them. Most of the time he pushed his true feelings aside and not telling them and suppressed his madness rather than let it out. Not that he tried to please everyone, it's just he never wanted to hurt anyone, so he always kept it to himself. He always told me to be kind to others, no matter what.

I can’t .. I just .. can’t.

I can’t compete with my past. I can’t compete with my pain.

Every time I think that everything is going to be fine, well, it doesn’t.

Pain. Pain does hurt. Pain overwhelms you. Pain kills you slowly, with no trace, no scars, or without you even noticing it. Pain haunts you. Pain sabotages most of your days, from the moment you woke up, right until you finally can’t even get to sleep.

Distraction. Distraction helps. Distraction makes a change in your focus. Distraction leads you to better things. Distraction also makes you feel better, makes you forget what pain is. For a while.

Distraction and Pain. The more you distract, the more you accumulate pain. The more you make yourself believe that there is no pain. Or at least, convince you. The more you step aside from it. But it’s still there. Pain is not moving, is not able to be easily distracted. Some people may say that pain is like energy, it changes its form. But, to me, pain is not changing form. It’s still there. On the corner of your mind, waiting for you to notice it. It’s getting bigger and stronger each day while you’re distracting yourself from it.

It is okay. At least, pain is there to let us know that we’re still alive. Pain is there to tell us that we’re human.

But it is not okay. For one who couldn’t even handle it anymore, for those who finally gave up in the end, well, pain took over most part of yourself. It’s a burden. It’s a disease. It’s infective.

I’m not going to say that I master the pain. I let pain gets into me. Sometimes I distract it, but it haunts me even more. But because I know pain, I won’t let anyone deal with the pain to themselves. And that’s also why I always keep it to myself by not telling people. But. When I could finally share my pain and opened up to someone, when I let them know that I’m not that strong .. they ended up hating me because I’m annoying when I’m vulnerable and because all they knew was I used to be strong with anything. I mean, people are annoying when they’re vulnerable, because they’re not okay so they have all the rights to be annoying, why couldn’t they just understand? Why are people not made to accept someone’s vulnerable side?

And now, I’m not okay. Even my mom who usually texted me twice a week, recently it’s like three times a day, while I already muted my social media stories anyway and I always replied to her text as cheerful as I usually do when I’m not sad or something. She feels things. She knows that her daughter is far from okay. Her daughter wants to go home. Or at least, getting away from people she knew.

Dan untuk menjauhkanku dari segala luka yang nantinya mampu berulang di kemudian hari,

kini akan jauh lebih baik apabila aku beranggapan bahwa semua kereta yang berhenti di stasiunku hanyalah untuk sekedar singgah. Sekedar transit.

There are some people who enter your life like gems.

These are the real diamonds. They have no ulterior motives, no inferiority complex, no superiority complex, no need to prove that they are better than you, or seek to have more than you. They don’t feel entitled and aren’t needy or dependent.

They are not superficial or fake. They remind you of God and they understand you, when no other person does. They don’t wear a mask with you or pretend to be perfect. They are just real with you and honestly and sincerely only want good for you.

You feel you can tell them anything without worrying that they will judge you or put you down for being imperfect. They know your flaws, but love you anyway. And they are loyal. You know they’ll be there for you. They’ll always have your back.

And best of all, time and distance doesn’t change this. 

If you’ve ever met even one person in your entire life like this, you’re blessed.

sangkal terus sedih dan sakitmu,

ga usah dirasain sampai beku.

Turutin gengsimu,

kejar terus lejit standar hidup impianmu,

hiduplah tanpa bersyukur,

pandang terus ke atas ga usah nunduk.

Ga apa-apa,

alhamdulillah,

sebahagiamu.

Bila nanti telah sampai lelah,

andai sudah luap kesah,

kembalilah.

Pulang,