For the First Time in Forever

boy problems

i liked this guy T and i was going to make a move towards dating. i was counting on him during the summer, and I acknowledge it’s not really something i should do, but i knew well enough that he liked me

and he said so, and i confessed vice versa and slept with him, after seeing him previously

and confirmed it was meaningful later on

i was going to ask him to be exclusive, since i was not and did not know if he was,

but he stopped talking to me in early november, the week of my birthday, which was less than a month later

deja vu much

being rejected by someone for bad reasons is shitty

especially when he so clearly liked me for a long time, longer than i liked him

i wanted to make sure he liked me before we fucked because i made that mistake last year, i didn’t want to form more attachment through that, and it didn’t.

okay, number two

a couple girlfriends have been fucking many guys as they can literally it’s like 30+ so props, I will never catch up

i recently caught on and slept with a close friend L after a party, we’ve been friends with benefits (?) for three months, that’s longer than i’ve dated either of 2 high school boyfriends

we didn’t talk about it until i asked if he liked me, which he does and now i feel bad, because i hadn’t until then

and i confessed i liked someone else and L said we could keep going unless I got the other guy (T)

which i had just slept with but was later rejected by, so it doesn’t really matter

i asked L if there wasn’t another guy or if it didn’t work out if he would consider dating and he said no, probably to make me feel better cause i was so upset

because i said at the beginning of this very terribleawful conversation that i kind of liked him too, because we had gotten even closer than we were before

this is a very long post and i’m sorry

but wait there’s more

I’ve had a huge crush on S for the past two years (basically as long as i’ve been in college), it’s the worst, most painful thing in the world because I can’t ever have him, it’s impossible

i don’t know if S is into girls, or guys, or if he even forms romantic attachments? he’s considerably older than i am, and even so, he’s a very reserved and mature person and I’m not quite immature but can be young and somewhat childish or naive.

He’s also one of those people who is amazing at everything they do, and he is so incredibly passionate for his hobbies and excels so much that it hurts me because he’s so good and i’d never be able to reach that tier. sometimes it’s really frustrating, not because i have a big fat crush on him but because he’s so goddamn good, and I can’t be.

S is probably the nicest person i know too, and i’m not just saying that just cause i like him. i’ve had a lot of issues bc of stress/school/health and he’s offered to help me out and i don’t think it helps that he’s just as naive as I am and he’s so compassionate i’m liable to confuse kind actions for false feelings.

i know that.

liking someone is usually such a good feeling and i don’t know why [liking S] makes me feel so shitty, it must be because he’s literally right there and i can’t have him. it’s too aggravating, and i hate it. i’ve been meaning to confess it to him because i can’t stand it, it actually hurts so much. every move makes me think he could like me but it’s probably me just trying to convince myself otherwise. i’ve already been rejected by T once and i don’t really have much more to lose.

I was supposed to do it last week bc he said “if you ever need to talk i can listen” after i had a stress-induced meltdown in front of him

but i chickened out

and i wanted him to sit on it over Thanksgiving

I’ll be honest, I don’t mind fucking around with guys, it’s actually really fun but

i like L and i don’t know what to do

liking S feels shitty but I don’t think i will ever not like him

and