dismantled almosts.

(joe keery, cis male, he/him) i just saw theodore harris walking down the cobbled roads of skopelos the other day playing This is the Last time by The National out loud. aren’t they supposed to be in aberdeen, scotland ? rumor has it that the 30 year old is + caring, but can also be - cynical— overall they’re the helping hand. they remind me of the sound of crisp autumn leaves being crushed, dog eared books in a discarded pile, the smell just before the rain falls, centuries old marble statues covered with dusty blankets.

name: theodore harris nickname: ted, teddy (only close friends really use this), theo (very rare as well) age: 30 date of birth: june 27, 1992 place of birth: sussex, england current location: skopelos, greece (previously, at his now sold home in aberdeen, scotland) gender: cis man pronouns: he/him sexual orientation: pansexual occupation: emergency doctor.

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to: willy f. "i’m sorry to announce you that you are now in your old man era. you snore, mate. :-(  still love you, but i’ll be downstairs, tea is calling.”

she pat his face once more before letting her hands fall back to her sides. almost immediately she brought her hand back up , but this time with her bag full of candy indicating for ted to take some. ‘ nuh uh ! ’, susie replied ‘ i don’t start drama , i just like to watch drama. ’, the brunette truthfully said. her eyes were full of entertainment. she bursted out laughing , even to a point where she was holding her stomach. ‘ have you been practicing that ? because i swear to god that was almost exactly it. ’ 

...

ted grabbed some of the candies waved in his face, as sugar was his only weakness and his cousin knew it very well. "i think it's ingrained in me. and i went back home before coming here so i had time to refresh!" he gave her a faux-smile, way too sweet to be real, to disguise his grimace. traveling back to england, tail between his legs, had been an absolute nightmare, worsened by their grandfather's disappointed glare. "anyway," ted sat at the end of the table, bringing susie with him, before serving each other a glass of wine. talking about drama..."did you speak with oliver since you arrived?" ted leveled a concerned gaze at his cousin, not imagining how it must have been taxing for her to be there with the other boy.

the night is going well, smiles and all, piñata dead and all, and ted is content. happy to see everyone, though he feels a bit overwhelmed. his eyes are searching for a quick exit, and suddenly, there's an opening. and ted would be stupid to miss the occasion to sit down next to elli. cooperating for the theme of tonight's dinner had brought some normalcy to them, which brought ted hope for a reconciliation. he sits next to her, coming back from the restrooms, his first neon green drink in his hand. "i think this dinner is a success," he says, bringing his chair closer, offering her a small smile. "mini tequila bottles were a hit, i think your choice was spot on."

laughter and conversation had died down as most of the group flickered away back to their own rooms an hour ago (he thinks it's been an hour, anyway), silence making its way back to the hotel, and the kitchen. ted stayed behind, under the guise of needed some water, and just started the dishes. alcohol was slowly fizzling out of his body, as he stopped consuming will’s dangerous cocktails moments ago. that was his own ritual; cleaning the night away, so that the morning could come fresh and new. it was probably an habit he developed back in uni, where his dorm room was way too small to hold two grown men, but still did. drying his hands a moment, ted stifled a yawn. when he opened his eyes back, raj was standing in the kitchen with him. an open smile played on ted's lips, defenses down, alcohol and exhaustion wearing him thin. “i thought you went back to the bookstore.” they both hadn't much time to talk tonight; the other's presence was a nice surprise. again.

to: elli connors "I think we should meet up. For the dinner theme and all? If you have time, of course. Let me know."

              Old habits die hard,   and when William looks around the room,   lively with his friends’ laughter and conversation,   he tells himself that he’ll sit still and wait when he doesn’t see Ted.   Perhaps he took a trip to the bathroom,   so William stays in his conversation with Grant and Elli for another ten minutes until it becomes clear that Ted is isolating himself somewhere on the property.   William claims to need a smoke break and leaves his friends behind,   stepping past the threshold into a summer night,   the cool ocean breeze making him sway gently in his drunkenness,   towards the smoke signal that Ted is unintentionally making with his cigarette.   The innocent look of nonchalance on his friend’s face makes him feel self-conscious,   realizing that he came to check up on him like he used to;   when William would give him a sign to make an excuse to leave a party early,   and twenty minutes later he would stumble out to find Ted waiting for him to depart together.   They wouldn’t talk about it,   they’d just know they saved each other from some sort of social pressure that was oppressing one of them. 

       Now,   William’s face is hot from alcohol,   wondering if his unusual habit to stick so close to Ted is adding to it,   and he smiles down at the other man.   “Yeah,   you know,   they’re a decent bunch.”   He jokes with a shrug.   “You and this statue,   though–”   William says,   “–You seem like you’re really hitting it off,   am I interrupting something?”

...

will is looking at him, the same way he used to back in uni days. and ted's heart break a little, for the worry he instilled in it. is it worry, though, or ted is just imagining it through the smile will gives him. at the other's question, ted leans his head back, looking at the statue. "hmm?" only seeing marble genitals and well defined muscled legs. "well, you know how weak i am for greek men in little clothing." there's a subquestion, under will's playful tone, but ted doesn't rise up to it. doesn't feel like explaining that it's been awhile since he was in a room full of people, unrelated to work. that's it overwhelming. suffocating. but he thinks if someone could get him, it would be mr. foster.

he gestures to the other man to join him down on the grass, while his other hand shakes his third glass of mermaid mimosa of the night. "this drink is amazing, but it messes up with my senses. i love it. sit with me, william."

to: rajan 💀 - an urgent text.

rajan, there are some cherries in today’s muffins at the coffee shop. 

do. no. eat. the. muffins. 

please answer.

raj.

🌻 - a worried text.

just let me know when you’re back from the clinic? 

🌳 - a happy text. 

i’m glad you’re not dead, raj.

to: rajan 🗑 - a text that wasn’t sent.

i want to apologize for the other night, i shouldn’t have sprung this on you. i mean. you’re really nice, and you’re kind and. i think i misinterpreted some things, and that’s on me. you shouldn’t have to deal with this. with me. so, i’m sorry. again. hope we can remain friends, yeah? i’ll be moving to scotland soon, so like. at least things won’t be as awkward, right? i’m sorry again, for making them like this. hope you’ll forgive me. take care, raj.

to: rajan 🌊 - a sad text.

night shift is really the worst.

why do accidents happen at night, right?

to: rajan 🐰- a goofy text.

doggo!

the moon is high up in the sky, the wind is warm; laughter can be heard from inside the hotel, and ted is content. there is always a certain point in occasions like these hat ted just needs outside, just for some fresh air, get his head on straight. just to sober up a little, so that he can go back and not make a fool out of himself. he's sitting on the floor in the backyard, cigarette in hand (it's a bad habit he picked up, he knows the irony) his back to a small statue, not expecting to be found. he's not surprised though when he raises his eyes to find william standing there. "hey mate, having fun?" he asks, innocently.

     the awkwardness in the room is suffocating. it leaves a bitter taste in elli’s mouth, blows her mind how fragile relationships are when all it took were just a few precise jabs, callous taunts and her bruised ego for theirs’s to end. wishes she could go back and tell herself to not seek him out, to just go on with her war path and leave him out of it, but to her knowledge time travel has yet to be achieved. swallowing the lump in her throat she nods at his words forgetting in the moment that of course will and him were rooming together. the nostalgia hits her like a hurricane. 

ten feet is all it would take to for her to cross and wrap him into her arms. hugging him like the past had never happened. tell him that she was sorry… again. ten feet seemed more like a million. however she pauses setting aside the cups and takes just one step so she’s no longer hiding behind the bar. nine feet now. her shoulders shrug softly while a wisp of a smile ghosts her lips. how thoughtful. she thinks but can’t help but wonder if he does care. though elise could never actually picture ted being that cold. “ Thanks. for both I think.” she murmurs in a breathy voice. fingers twisting the rings on her fingers now that they weren’t preoccupied. a nervous tick. fondly remembers how excited she was to show ted her godmother’s postcards and trinkets that she’d send elli.

“ If you’re tired I can show you where your room is… “ her sentence dies down and she hates how quiet she is. loathes that they’ve been reduced to this small talk and a quiet so quiet that you didn’t need to be of good hearing to hear the crickets outside. “Fuck it “ she whispers and all but launches herself into him. face burrowing in his chest as she squeezes him hard. “Thankyousomuchforcoming” elli rushes out all in one breath parts of it mumbled by fabric. 

his eyes falls to her fingers, her nervous habits, and it’s so utterly familiar that ted fixates on it for a moment. so much was different now, but so much was still the same. he’s so thrown out of it he barely registers her question, but that might be because she whispers it. as if she hadn’t meant them, maybe? 

there is something healing, in hiding his own face in elli’s hair while he squeezes her. it’s the familiarity of her smell, so many years later, the known intimacy she drapes around him, like a comforting blanket. things are not well, not perfect between them. and perhaps something would always be broken. but right now, ted acts selfishly, and imagines that they’re back a few years. that the elli hugging him is the same one that will look at him with bright eyes and an equally bright smile. 

“of course,” he squeezes her arm again, hating the way his voice sounds small, unsure. ted wants to convey that he’s here, that he does want to help her, in any way he can. “i’ll do what i can to help.” it’s a promise, one he’s not sure how to fulfill out yet, and one he’s not sure why he gives out. the same way he didn’t know why she reached out to him as well. did she think he’d feel exluded? ted doesn’t want to dwell on them doubts, hates the way they poison his mind, but they’re here, and they would remain for a long time. 

he leans back, so he can look at her face better in their proximity. he offers her another smile, timid. “you seem...okay?” he’s hesitant to ask, knowing that it wasn’t his place much now to wonder about her wellbeing but still. he’d like to know. to make sure. 

               His muscles tense at Ted’s proximity.   William catches himself freezing,    momentarily perplexed at how close his friend’s voice is,   how he can feel his body humming with his words,   marveling at how they ever got to the point where Ted is this comfortable around him.   A big part of him remembers Ted for the distance he kept when the two first met.   One tiny room,   already cramped with two beds and two desks,   and then the two of them entered with wide eyes,   in awe of all of the potential.   

       William knows that learning to deal with each other was more of a learning curve for Ted than it was for himself.   William’s adjustments only started once he realized that Ted wasn’t immediately comfortable with people;   he moved away from touch and it made William feel like shit when Ted tried to hide it after William had just barged in on his personal space with shoulder touches and friendly kicks and gripping Ted whenever they accidentally bumped into each other without even thinking about it.   He stopped doing it for some time.   Like a dog who learned to behave,   William familiarized himself with all of Ted’s habits and lived by them.   It became easier then,   with the two of them finally at ease with each other.   

       Of course,   several years of friendship broke down the physical barrier between them,   and at some point,   Ted stopped freezing whenever William got close or touched him,   though it seems that William still remembers the old version of Ted that did.   With his cigarette back in his hand,   William takes a long drag,   followed by a long exhale.    He relaxes,   silently hoping that it wasn’t obvious or intentional that he’s still surprised when Ted is the one to touch him.  

       “Yeah.”    William doesn’t nod,   afraid of jostling them.   “Yeah.”   Those familiar words.   He thinks about the last time they were exchanged between them.   How William’s fingernails were digging into his palms and how he tried to hide his white knuckles from Ted.   Harriet was wrong.   She had it all wrong about Ted.   

       “You know,   I don’t know how to acclimate to this news myself,”    William starts,   taking another long drag,   his voice steady and casual.   “So I haven’t really told anyone.   But I’m–   uh–   I guess I’m getting my own office.   I’ll be someone’s boss.   Fucking weird,   huh?”

the good news spread warmth in ted's chest, the same way his smile extended, turning to his friend. beaming at william, ted's hand did not leave his friend, merely moved on the side of his neck, squeezing affectionately. "william foster, you sly dog. this is amazing!" ted exclaimed, shaking his friend a little, leaning to get a better look at will's face. "you deserve it, mate. all the work you're doing for the old man." ted is oh so proud of his best friend, who was so fast to belittle any accomplishments he realised. he knew, of what breadcrumbs will had let go over the years, that pressure had been heavy on his shoulders. very little had ever been good enough for him. the words had never been shared, but ted had wished to tell him, more often than not, how brilliant he was.

he saw the exhaustion on will's face, saw the signs way too easily. ted wanted to grab his face, shake him a little, convince him to sleep now that all his hardwork had paid off. he didn't do it (really, though they were close, forged through similar fires, ted didn't think will would let him get away with it) but his hand moved to his friend's hair, which he messed up a little, teasingly. nothing filled him with more happiness than good news from his friends, especially when it came to will.

william foster, who wormed his way through ted's cold defenses, made himself a home in his heart, and just stayed like it was the simplest thing on earth.

william foster, who deserved to be told he was good enough, that his bare minimum was already much more than all the others.

"you're brilliant, will." there, he said it. maybe sleep was coming to his head, but it felt easy, now stated. like the words were meant to be said at this precise moment. ted came down a little from his sudden excitation, composed himself as his second hand squeezed the other's arm. fetching his attention, hoping to get him out of his head. "are you happy with this? it is what you wanted, right?" there was still too much tension in will's shoulder, and his wandering eyes. ted wished he'd just turn and look him in the eyes for more than a few minutes.

Grant playful bumped the other back with a light laugh and a shake of his head. “Nah, if I wanted you to fuck off, I’d tell you to fuck off, so I guess, fuck off Ted,” he said with a smirk to show he was only joking. “Though, I am a bit surprised to see you up, if I remember correctly, you’re not a big morning person. When’d you get into town?” he asked the other. “Weren’t you in Scotland? Did you bring me any souvenirs?” Grant raised his eyebrows lightly, his smirk turning into a smile. 

“only souvenirs i brought is my presence, you’ll have to make do with it, i’m afraid.” god, no damned souvenirs, none of the sorts that ted wanted to share with grant, was brought back from scotland. not that grant would actually know, of course. contact had been sparse, to say the least. it was not a proof of his appreciation for the younger man, though. just that ted was shite at maintaining long distance relationships, be it friendship or anything else.

(will was an exception, of course.)

“i just got in yesterday, i’m getting old, grant. i need my old man sleep and i couldn’t get it,” he smiled at the other, settling in the sitting position next to him, watching the pool in front of them, grant’s feet in it, then the other’s face. “how are you? for real, i’ll know if you lie. i’ll force will to tell me if you’re not.”