A Million Dreams are keeping me awake. (Bit of an immersion break)
I haven't done some of these long posts in a while, and I thought of expressing myself a bit and start making sense of what happened a few weeks ago.
While I'm at work I had "A Million Dreams" playing in one of the songs that I happened to bump into during work. I took a pause and decided to listen to the song. I bit of tear shedding took place cause I felt like I lost sight of some of dreams after many years of trying to pursue some of them. I genuinely felt tired of people who would constantly make me realize that some of the stuff I'm doing now is not realistic. It was sickening.
"I think of what the world could be, a vision of the one I see"
There was a dream of standing on front of the stage. There was a dream of living outside of the country I'm currently living in. There were so many of them and quite honestly I felt like I could have made it. But so much has taken place that really rendered some of these dreams dead. World problems, economy, severed ties, it really feels like nothing really in this world goes according to plan especially if you live in a third world country like I do. I feel like I was constantly punished for believing in myself too much. And hey I'll admit I would go over my head sometimes, but I just wouldn't want to find myself in a position to be just absolutely demotivated to survive just to live. I built myself up to where I am not working my ass off during these late nights while living a small dream of mine as a Vtuber. Just the right amount of sanity there.
"A million dreams for the world we're gonna make"
The past few weeks have been an outright struggle for me in the background, but I had to power through. I had to work. I wanted to stream just to have a few laughs and just get a kick out of life cause I wanted to live for the moment. Vtubing and just having a good time with friends either in streams or IRL has been my source of happiness as of late. Something happened that really shook me out of my mental and my emotional and I swear it was only streaming that really kept me... alive. Being around Vtubers, streamers has kept me very much purposeful.
"Every night I lie in bed, the brightest colors fill my head"
Sucks that we had to let go. But, I couldn't just see it anymore. The thoughts of having to give up dreams spiraled down into my head. The possibility behind it was really scaring me. It was the same problem in a loop and I felt tied down and not knowing exactly what to do.
"A Million Dreams are keeping me awake"
It's hard to let go of things that you dreamt of. It's hard to let go period. But I couldn't let go of a dream that mattered to since I was a child and it's to entertain, to build communities of people who laughed, shared art, play music. I found a family in Vtubers. I found a family in streamers. I love meeting them in person. I wanna see all of them honestly. Cause, ya'll really saved me. Thank you for making me realize that I didn't really need a stage that looked like something from Coachella (would still be nice, but I won't deem it as necessary anymore). I may had to let go and sever ties, but I know I'll make it. I gotta make the vision of the world I see.