Babey

Casey ended up taking longer than you, having multiple stops to make, but you’d given her your spare key to let herself in when she got back to your apartment. She expected to find you in bed, or curled up on the couch, instead when the door swung open you were sat at the kitchen island, a literal mountain of paperwork and files in front of you as you stared at it with teary eyes. She dropped the couple of bags she had with her at the entrance and moved into the room, wrapping a gentle arm around you.

“Hey…” she greeted softly, kissing at your temple, “you okay?”

“I’m exhausted.” You admitted, dropping your head against her shoulder.

“Why don’t we go take a nap? This can wait, right? If you want me to call another one of your partners to go through it I will.”

“I’m trying to find her will…” your chest heaved as you said the words and Casey held you tighter to her.

“I feel like this can definitely wait baby.”

“Case….you don’t get it.” You pulled away, tears brimming in your eyes, “there’s so much to go through. And I’m gonna have to sit down with my parents and completely re do their wills too. I’m the baby of the family, I’ve got power of attorney for everyone.” You sighed heavily, your hands sifting through a few more files you hadn’t checked through yet, “I thought I grabbed everything from her office…”

“You don’t need to worry about the other work stuff right now.” She stroked at your hair softly, “remember, they put a hold on all open cases with a Calhoun name attached.”

“It’s not just the open cases.” You glanced up at her again, “with Rita…gone…I become the senior partner.” Your eyes welled with tears, praying that another round of crying wasn’t about to start, “it was her firm. Suddenly my case load is doubled, my client list is doubled, I’m responsible for making sure cases go to the right places.”

“It’s a lot to process over a short period of time.” She kissed your temple lightly, “let’s focus on one thing at a time, okay? What’s the most important?”

“The will.” You sighed out, dropping the most recent file you’d picked up. “She probably didn’t keep it at work, I’ll have to go through her home office. Oh god.” You groaned, your head dropping onto the island, “her groceries got delivered two days ago, I’ve gotta clean out her fridge.” You pushed up from the island, scooping up your keys and a reusable shopping bag.

“Do you want me to do that?” Casey asked gently and you shook your head.

“It’s fine, I’ll just grab the perishables. Thank you though.” You kissed her cheek quickly, “I’ll be right back.”

Casey was hesitant to not follow you out into the hall, wanting to make sure you were okay with going into Rita’s apartment, but she heard the door swing shut a moment later. Returning to the island her hands shifted through a few of the files you had yet to get to. She did her best to not actually read them, considering some of them were labelled with names of cases she was prosecuting. She ended up getting distracted with the task, reorganizing all of them into the order that she knew you liked. There were a few random odds and ends, but it looked like you were right in not having grabbed the will. She glanced up as she finished, the clock on the stove staring back at her and she realized you’d been gone for well over thirty minutes.

Sighing softly, she picked up her key, making sure your apartment was locked properly before she padded over to Rita’s, pushing the door open gently. She wasn’t surprised to find it a similar layout to yours, but somehow more lavish. The bag of food from the fridge sat on the island but you were nowhere near it, she heard a small sniffle from down the hallway and followed it to find you curled up in Rita’s bed.

“Baby?” She asked softly, lingering in the doorway to not invade your space.

“Found it.” You murmured through your tears, gesturing to a file folder at the foot of the bed. Clutched in your arms was what she assumed must’ve been one of Rita’s childhood stuffed animals. “She left me everything.”

“She loved you. Probably more than anyone else in the world.”

“I feel like half my soul is missing…” a small cry escaped your lips, “it was always ‘the Calhoun girls’, ‘The Calhoun sisters’, everyone knew we came as a packaged deal. Now…it’s just me…what good is half of a pair? Nobody wants that.”

“I do.” Casey finally stepped into the room, moving to perch on the edge of the bed, her hand softly wiping away your tears. “You are everything I need, and you are just as worthy and legendary as she was, even more than the pair of you were.”

“You know that scene in Lilo and Stitch, when he leaves with the book, he sees the little duck family and manages to choke out a ‘lost’?”

“Yeah…”

“That’s exactly what this feels like…I’m lost and broken…and Rita’s the one who always put me back together. But now she’s….she’s dead…” finally saying it out loud broke you far more than you ever thought it could, a loud sob shuddering through your body as your arms tightened around the bear. Casey’s heart clenched at the sight of you going through so much grief, pulling you as much into her lap as she could, her hands soothing at your back. “And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore.”

“You grieve.” She stated after a few moments, ducking to leave a featherlight kiss on your forehead. “And you remember all the good times. All the messes you got into as kids, how she helped you through college, you think about all the adventures that the two of you went on. And eventually, the memories will be enough to get you through. There’ll be bad days sure, but her memory will always be your favourite, and one that you’ll certainly never forget.”

“You’re really good at that.” You murmured, looking up at her and she smiled.

“Well my parent’s couldn’t exactly afford a yacht every time I was sad.”

She knew the tease might not have been the right direction to go, but you laughed in response, a real (although teary) laugh, for the first time in four days. She realized it was the first time since the morning of the shooting that she’d even seen you smile, a sight she didn’t even realize she’d been missing extremely. While there was still a light in your eyes that was completely extinguished, she knew it was a step in the right direction. It would certainly take a long time for you to get through this, but you were strong, and resilient, and she knew you could handle anything, even if in that moment you felt like the world was completely crushing you to smithereens.

“I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you’re going to be okay. I promise.” Casey’s thumb stroked at your cheek and you smiled meekly up at her.

“You gonna nurse me back to health?”

“I’m going to do as much or as little as you want. Whenever you need me, I’ll be there, and I really do mean whenever. I don’t care if it’s the middle of the night or the middle of an opening argument, you need me there, and I’ll be by your side.”

“Thank you.” You turned your head in her lap, kissing at her palm gently, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Leaning down she kissed the tip of your nose, “you said Rita would put you back together…tell me what to do to help.” Sighing, you pushed up to sitting, “what do you like for step one?”

“Ice cream.” You shifted out of the bed, still holding the stuffed bear. Casey scooped up the will, noticing the way you neatly made the bed, much unlike how you’d always leave your own in a tangle of blankets each morning.

“I can run down to the bodega?”

“There’s bound to be an unopened tub in the freezer.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” You laughed softly, “Rita always kept one on hand whenever I started seeing someone new….in case it didn’t work out. She…” you playfully rolled your eyes as you slid your arm into Casey’s, moving through the hallway, “she said if it didn’t work out with you she’d find me a sugar baby to spoil.”

“Oh my god…” Casey nearly howled with laughter, happy to see a smile on your cheeks again. She picked up the bag of groceries and sure enough, you found a few containers of Ben and Jerry’s in the freezer before you locked up her apartment and headed back to your own.

Casey was glad you’d chosen to Netflix from bed that night, you were out less than half an hour later, still clutching onto Rita’s stuffed bear. Her hand softly stroked at your hair while you slept, she was glad to see you finally seeming like you would get a good night’s sleep. The bags under your eyes had gotten worse with every night at the hotel, puffy and red from the near constant crying. She hoped the comforts of being back in your own home would help move the process along a little faster, knowing that this was quite possibly the most painful thing you’d had to go through in your life.

On day five, your parents came over for lunch, and Casey was truly able to see first hand just what you meant when you said Calhoun’s didn’t talk about feelings. There was enough food for a week, a few bottles of expensive wine and scotch, your Mother had even arranged for her maid service to come over to take care of your apartment while you grieved and do a quick clean of Rita’s. She offered you the Hampton’s house for a few weeks to get out of the city, when you declined she offered up a week in the French Polynesia all expenses paid. Sighing lightly (while gently squeezing at Casey’s hand, hoping this wasn’t going to be an issue) you declined again, reminding her that you had more than enough shit to deal with, you couldn’t be jetting off right now.

Your parents were not only mourning Rita, but equally worried about you and Casey. It’d been in the papers that Jensen had not only escaped but had some gang affiliations, they were worried that even if he’d vanished, someone with a tie to him would still come after you. The last thing they wanted was to have to bury both of their daughters in the same month. Your Mom gave you a stern lecture on not wandering around alone, especially and night, and your Dad revealed he’d brought you a gun. While you tried to protest that you didn’t need it, he reminded you that you were licensed, and definitely knew how to use it. You finally admitted defeat, locking it in the safe before they made their leave. There were lots of long tight hugs, your Mother thanking Casey for keeping an eye on her baby girl during all of this mess. Casey earned herself a tearful hug when she said she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, and for them to call her if they needed anything.

You’d gone over some of the funeral arrangements with them that afternoon, Casey’s hand rubbing soft circles in your back every time she knew you were about to crack again. Talking about a funeral made it real, it made it really real, there was no coming back once you’d buried her, she would be put to rest and you would have to move on with your life, no matter how badly you didn’t want to. She was partially surprised that things were able to move forward so quickly with the planning, then reminding herself just how much of a pull your family had in the city.

It pained her every time you’d be sitting in the living room, thinking you’d heard a nose in the hall, your head whipping around over the back of the couch to look at the door. As if this was some sort of cruel prank and Rita was coming home now. It was honestly made a little worse by the maid service your Mother had arranged, knowing only yours and Rita’s apartments were on that floor the sound of someone actually in the hallway always made your heart leap and then crumble a little more. You began to feel a little more of your soul get ripped away from you each time Casey returned from a run, the sound of her keys in the lock made you actually jump up from the couch the first time, racing towards the door before it opened and your face fell. Not that you weren’t happy to see her, but in the daydream you’d been living in, you still had both of your girls, not just one. You’d instantly broken down into tears, she barely managed to catch you before you hit the floor, holding you tightly to her as she cooed soothing words into your skin. That it would be okay. That she would never leave you. That Rita loved you, and so did she, and both of them always would.

On day six, you started making calls, making sure that any clients of Rita’s knew that you would be taking over their cases. That they weren’t forgotten about or being missed in this mess and that you were more than competent to take them to trial, apologizing for the inconvenience of delayed trial times, and if they wanted, they were more than welcome to seek out other counsel. None of them did, knowing the worth behind the name Calhoun, and all of them gave you condolences.

That afternoon you made a trip into the firm, (alongside two of the uni’s SVU had on you) you’d scheduled a meeting with the rest of the partners. While you didn’t have much of an actual update on how things were going to change around the office, you simply said that you’d be taking over Rita’s position, combining your duties, and that they could expect a little more overflow work than normal, at least until you got back on your feet. They obviously all understood, paying their own respects and making sure that you knew you could rely on any of them if you needed. Casey had been hesitant on you going back to work so soon, but you assured her it wasn’t real work, you just had to make sure things were sorted out and handled while you took some time.

On day seven, you were thrown for a real loop when your childhood best friend turned up at your door. Not that you hadn’t kept in touch regularly over the years, you were just sure she was off dealing with far more important things, and you knew her work took her out of the city on a regular basis. Alex apologized for not being there earlier, having been out of state, she’d only found out when she’d actually listened to her Mother’s voicemails when she got back. You told her it was okay, you knew she was out getting her own kind of justice. You welcomed her into your apartment, offering her a drink or food, and she noticed the few pictures of you and Casey on the fridge, teasing you about dating a prosecutor, and mentioning how thrilled your Mom must be. She spent a few hours with you, mainly distracting you from the emotions at hand. Casey came back about half an hour into her stay and she nearly instantly knew you were in good hands, you seemed to be in a better mood that day than any prior. There was a twinge of jealousy that she couldn’t seem to make you that happy, but she knew that lifelong friends were the best kind to have, and from what she’d heard, you and Alex were cradle to grave type best friends.

On day eight, a giant and rather lavish gift basket arrived on your doorstep, full of food, treats and a very expensive bottle of scotch. The card was signed by Donnelly, Petrovsky, and Ginny. The gesture brought your mind back to the DA’s office, and you instantly regretted not reaching out to Rafael sooner, immediately calling him, asking him over. He assured you that it was fine, that Rita had been your family, he understood what a loss like that was, and knew that the two of you were attached at the hip. He did accept the offer though, joining you and Casey for a midday snack and scotch binge. You knew despite his protests, that he mourned Rita nearly as much as you did, they’d been friends for so long, and such good friends at that, there was no way he wasn’t wrought with emotion. As much as they both insisted they were just friends (with the occasional sexual exploit) you knew there was love there, even if it wasn’t romantic. You made sure he knew the details of the funeral that weekend, reminding him to seek you and your parents out, he was basically family anyway and they’d want him sitting up front with you on the day.

Casey left for a run shortly before he left, knowing you were in good hands, and giving you the opportunity to have a few moments of privacy. As much as she’d known you and Rita for years, she wasn’t as close to your older sister as everyone else had been, she was but a mere work acquaintance, and knew there were things you’d want to talk about with them that she wouldn’t understand. And the runs gave her a chance to clear her head. When she returned, Barba was gone and you were coming out of the bedroom dressed in work clothes, though they were less lavish than your normal courtroom attire, your face nearly plain, having only swiped on mascara and light brows. The bags and puffiness of your eyes was still very evident.

“Are you…going to work? It’s almost eight.” She commented.

“Yeah.” You ran a hand over your face, “I’ve got a client stuck in customs at JFK. Those airport jails are even worse than the tombs, at least this way I can get him arraigned in the morning and hopefully out on bail.” You sighed, “you know how it is, the job never sleeps.”

“I know.” She kissed you softly, “stay safe out there, okay?”

“I’ll do my best.” You wrapped around her in a tight hug, humming as she kissed the top of your head. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” She cupped your cheek gently, giving you a warm smile before kissing the tip of your nose, “I’ll see you soon.”

“Don’t wait up okay? I know you’ve got an early court date tomorrow.”

“I’m not making any promises.” She joked.

“You know the combo for the gun safe right?” She nodded, “you sure?” You double checked, “if you’re here alone I don’t want you getting hurt because you were struggling with the code if someone gets in. There’s still a chance”-

“I know.” Her hands gripped at your shoulders, “baby, I’ll be fine.” She kissed your forehead, “the code’s in my phone, I’ll make sure to double check it. I should be far more worried about you out there on your own.”

“I won’t be…I’ve got a driver coming and one of the squad cars will be with us at all times. They don’t wanna take any chances, a lawsuit against the NYPD coming from the Calhouns would absolutely drown them.”

“The power of a name.” She teased and you jabbed her in the ribs with your finger.

“I’ve gotta run.” You kissed her quickly, “love you.”

“Love you more.”

“Why’re you throwing Midol at me?”

“You’re gonna need it later.”

“How ominous of you.”

Casey moved around the island, kissing your temple softly as she wrapped an arm around you, her head coming to rest on your shoulder. You hummed at the motion, leaning into her embrace before dropping a kiss to her head.

“I take it you just started?”

“Last night.”

“And you’re somehow this perky? God I hate you.”

She laughed lightly, kissing your shoulder before moving to grab a yogurt parfait from the fridge, tossing it into her bag. You’d envied her basically as long as you’d been together, since her first period during your relationship. She simply shrugged it off and headed to the gym, mentioning that it only ever lasted a few days anyways, and they weren’t painful, she could pop a Midol and be on with her day without any worries. You on the other hand, were a grumbling mess, sometimes even starting with horrible cramps days before you started bleeding. Your periods were heavy, painful and knocked you on your ass each month, you’d had partners in the past judge you on it, thinking you were taking advantage, using your weeping uterus as an excuse to get out of things. Thankfully, Casey didn’t view you that way and always made sure you were prepared and the goodies were fully stocked, it hadn’t taken long before you’d synched up, making it even easier for her to know when you were about to start.

“Are you working from home today?” Casey asked and you glanced up from your laptop, sighing.

“I was gonna go in but after that warning I’m thinking home office and pyjamas sounds a lot better.”

“Okay.” She ducked in, kissing you gently, “call me if you need anything. I should be able to get out a bit early today.”

“Thanks.” You smiled, grabbing her for another kiss, “love you.”

“Love you too.” She shot you a dazzling grin as she ducked out the door of the apartment.

Sighing, you looked back at the screen in front of you, wondering if you had at least twenty four hours to power through as much work as you could before you’d be out of commission. You flagged the emails you deemed could be dealt with later, replied to the important ones and took a couple of calls with clients. You made sure to make lunch, double checking that there was enough prepped for dinner and the next day, and then double checked the bathroom for other supplies, shooting a text off to Casey asking if she could pick up extras on the way home. It was just a safety precaution since you’d both be going through it at the same time.

*

Casey managed to get home shortly after four, finding you buried on the couch sleeping. You were wrapped in a weighted blanket, a heating pad clutched against your stomach. She pouted at the sight, kissing your head gently before moving back to the kitchen, flicking the kettle on before darting to the bedroom to change.

When she settled on the couch, gently shifting your head to lay it in her lap you groaned, rolling over slightly, your eyes scrunching in the pain shooting through you.

“Sorry…” she murmured, stroking your cheek gently, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“S’okay.” You grumbled, “should probably change anyways.” You shoved the blanket off you, groaning out again as the movement pulled another cramp from you. Casey’s hand snagged the magic bag, popping it back in the microwave for you when you returned.

“Any nausea?”

“I puked after lunch.” You admitted, dropping back to the couch, taking the heating bag back from her, clutching it to your stomach. She pulled the blanket up around you, her hand rubbing soothing circles on your lower back.

“Did you want me to make you something?”

“No.” You shook your head, “not yet at least.” You kissed her shoulder, “thank you though.” Accepting the tea she’d made for you, you snuggled into her shoulder, blowing onto the steaming beverage before you took a sip.

“Okay. You just let me know.” She kissed the top your head gently, her hand continuing to rub at your back while your attention turned back to the t.v.

A few hours later, despite the pain, your stomach began to grumble. Casey had come to know that even if you were hungry, even if your body was trying to tell you to eat, you’d usually ignore it. Sometimes it meant more pain, or more vomiting, but she’d found a few ways around that over the years.

“How’s the pain?” She asked, lifting your head from her shoulder.

“You know that scene in Alien?” She nodded, “I wish that would just happen because I feel like that’s what my fucking uterus is trying to do.”

“Oh sweetheart.” She laughed, kissing you gently.

“Let’s get you some food, hopefully it’ll help. What’d’you feel like?”

“I want McDonald’s…” you grumbled.

“I’ll order some.” She moved to stand from the couch and your hand caught hers, pulling her back.

“Case it’s fine, there’s food in the fridge.” Smiling, she cupped your cheek,

“If my baby wants McDonald’s, my baby gets McDonald’s.” She kissed the tip of your nose and you smiled back at her, “What’d’you want?”

“One of everything.” You groaned, dropping down onto the couch again, pulling the blanket tighter around you.

Casey laughed, picking up her phone to order, she then mentioned she had a work call to take and you waved her off, not worried about it. You dozed on and off for the next little bit, only really coming to when you heard Casey answer the door. Wincing as you pushed yourself back up to sitting you glanced over the back of the couch.

“Casey!”

“What?” She asked, her hands overly full with two large bags of food.

“I was kidding!!”

“I didn’t actually get one of everything,” she laughed, placing the bags down on the coffee table, “their breakfast menu isn’t available all day.”

“Great…now I want a hash brown.” Smirking, her hands explored the bags for a moment before she pulled out exactly what you asked for,

“Turns out you can get breakfast sides all day.”

“Baby…” you whined and she laughed again, this time at the literal tears blurring into your eyes. “I love you…”

“I love you too.” She replied, but still snagged a bit of the hash brown before letting you have it. It turned out she’d gotten an array of burgers, chicken burgers, wraps, nuggets, (with extra sauces) fries, and two different kind of McFlurry’s. Nothing too repetitive, but enough to cure whatever craving you could have. You happily munched away on the food, briefly forgetting about how much pain you were in (assisted by Casey’s nagging to take another Midol).

“You’re too good to me.” You murmured, wrapping yourself into her arms, “and I’m jealous of your non murdering uterus.”

“I know.” Her hand stroked at your hair, laying a kiss on your temple, “I hate seeing you in this much pain, you know I’ll do anything to help you relieve it.” She squeezed at your shoulder, “come on, let’s get you to bed.”

“Extra cuddles?” You pouted.

“Promise.”