Cool Kid

I’m here to talk about my first break up, to say how miserable I am after one month, to say that every little detail of my day still makes me remember him, and most of the times I can easily catch myself wondering what he is doing or if he’s all right. I know that this might sound stupid for most of the people who are reading this, maybe after this first paragraph you’re going to stop reading it, but I promise I don’t write things like this often, I just needed to share what I am feeling with people who doesn’t fully know me so I could get a rational and impartial judgment. Well I’m here neither to defend myself nor to accuse my ex-boyfriend of anything, but to share how I’m really feeling today.

 It’s really sad, disappointing or even torturing to see how a strong, beautiful and loving relationship between two guys has become to this. I just can’t see you doing this to yourself, and doing it to me. Yeah you’re hurting me the way you said you’d never do. Posting those pictures, using those lyrics intending to hurt me, or to make me feel in some way bad for not choosing to do things the way you wanted or expected me to do.

 First of all I want to remind you how much meant and still means to me. How secure you made me feel when you held me in your arms, how warm was your body, and how I could simply lie my head on your chest and I’d feel your heart beat, and smell your perfume while I felt your fingers on my hair, and the sound of you breathing (and people who knows me know how much I hate when people breathe near me) but I used to love hear you breathing, it wouldn’t bother me at all. If you were with me right now I wouldn’t be cold, I wouldn’t be crying, I wouldn’t feel lonely, but you’ve chosen to leave me.

 Perhaps you won’t say that you left me, but deep down you know you did. You’ve got to admit that I wasn’t enough for you, that my effort wasn’t enough, that the live that we would have together, and fights that we would have to win weren’t what you wanted. Since I’m aware of all these things that took me a month to find out, I feel stupid when I cry because of you, or when I miss you.

I did a really stupid thing one week ago. I smoke a cigarette, so my mouth would taste like yours when I used to kiss you, I held the shirt you left me so I could smell your perfume, while I cried like a baby listening to Adele’s songs thinking about the fact that this is the closest I can get from you. It hurts, more than anything; my voice just wouldn’t come out. You may hate me now, but you have no idea how much I miss you, and how much hurts to be far from you.