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👒—Ida, host, she/her

🦕—Pas, persecutor/ex-host, NPD symptom holder, he/they/xe

🦭—Will, caretaker, he/him

Ive been feeling very swamped with work lately trying to up my hours and get myself into a better financial position. Ive been super late to work a few times recently and its been stressing me out wondering if something bad is gonna happen to my employment status. But I will just ignore that and continue jerking off all day

Testosterone has made me unbearably horny and since having sex with her... I feel very sad about the state of my relationship. I feel the ways in which I have withdrawn. Not because I am enamoured with her at all, quite the contrary, but just out of this continuous dissociation and worry I have in my heart. I feel worried, so I dissociate to protect myself from the vulnerability. Since I have a dissociative disorder this has just been happening about everything lately and its kind of getting old. I know I really need to get medicated for the ADHD which js incredibly bad and is one of the main reasons I cant take care of myself properly but idk.

And the sex was okay. I liked the first time a little more just because I think we had much clearer goals. I dont know if I want a repeat encounter. I am still happy with the result but I think I want more out of sex now that Ive had it. I want to have sex with a romantic partner and someone I love and I am attracted to. Sex with her was strictly "What if we did this?" and while she is a close friend she has been upsetting me and I feel like that sort of soured my view on it. Also during that second sexual encounter I wasnt really as excited and in the mood as I was the first time but I didnt want to lose the opportunity because of our work schedules. It was much less fulfilling than the first time. but still i am grateful for it. but I am just not attracted to her in the same way and the one person I am is locked inside my own head.

I really need to talk with her about what she is going to do while moving and how Ive felt a little bit taken advantage of. I hate to be so transactional and I enjoy being generous with my money but now that its getting much tighter I kind of cant be the only one paying every time we go out.

Im also getting extremely fatigued from fronting for so SO long but Im scared that if we switch my coworkers will notice and they wont want to be around us anymore. Ida is wonderful and so very beautiful but I also don't know how she'd dress nowadays. but still i cant front for years and years even though my goals have become the systems goals. i need her. but i dint know how to let go