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Let’s talk about the parts of chronic illness and pregnancy that don’t make the highlight reel.

My boyfriend, Zach, started this blog a couple of years ago. When he told me he was doing it, I was absolutely mortified. He also didn’t let me see what he was writing on it and until a few weeks ago I hadn’t. As anyone who’s been following knows, Zach is super busy and has only kept up with this blog intermittently. 

Which, I guess, is where I come in. From now on I’ll be the one posting on here. First of all, this blog blew up more than Zach anticipated and he felt bad about not having the time to back and write more. He's talked about having me document my own humiliation on here, but it wasn't until this weekend where he actually decided to have me log in here and write.

I’m sure I’ll go into everything a lot more, but a big part of our relationship has been Zach supporting me by helping me with self discipline and holding me accountable. I have ADHD and struggle with focusing a lot. It’s how diapers were first introduced. Even though Zach’s been using them to discipline me for years, I still find the entire experience embarrassing, even though the humiliation definitely turns me on. I’m not one of those types who is attracted to “being little” (nothing against those who are) but I am definitely attracted to giving up control, even if the humiliation that comes from it makes me blush and want to hide. Probably why he decided to make me blog to the masses about it instead. 

This weekend I got in a lot of trouble and I know my punishment is far from over. Zach took away my potty privileges on Saturday night. It's been a long time since I've had to wear them all day and I forgot why diapers are such an effective deterrent for me, I can't stop squirming or get used to the wetness. He hasn't told me how long I'll have to be in diapers, only that it will depend on how well I do on this blog. But of course he wouldn't tell me what he meant by that. He thinks it’s good for me to have long-term responsibilities of things that I have to plan out and remember to do. He might still post some captions and updates, but I guess now I will be the default. He

Part of my responsibilities include taking pictures and posting regularly with good grammar and spelling, answering questions honestly, reflecting even when it's embarrassing, and growing the blog's following. I will be posting more but for now send me your questions...? Nice to meet you all.

I've gotten a lot of questions about what trouble I got into and I answered that here. But I'm realizing just how serious he is about me losing my big girl privileges for the summer. I knew I wasn't going to be getting much use out of my panties or wearing my shorter shorts/skirts now that I'm in diapers. But yesterday Daddy came over with two boxes and a lot of trash bags and said we were going to go through all my clothes.

Since this is now my summer job and I need lots of content, Daddy doesn't see any reason why I should still be wearing big girl clothes. So anything that was too mature would be taken out of my wardrobe. For the nicer, more expensive, and professional clothes of mine he made me neatly fold them and put them in the boxes which he brought down to our storage unit in the garage of our building. But for everything else he made me either put it in bags to donate or I had to put them in trash bags to throw away. A lot of my clothes are really cheap and were wearing anyways.

But now, the only clothes that I am left with are the most babyish of my big girl clothes that I had and the actually baby onesies and outfits that Daddy has gotten for me over the years. The worst part is that he made me cut up all of my thongs. He says he'll buy me some more appropriate panties to have for the rare exceptions to the diaper rule. He says that as I earn money (he has a whole system for me, I'll explain another day) that I can use that to buy whatever clothes I like and if I am good for a few months then I can earn the privilege of wearing big girl clothes again. But until then my wardrobe really looks like it belongs to a toddler. I hate all of the pink and flowers.

Before this last Saturday I hadn't been in diapers for more than a day since last October! Because they're so embarrassing Daddy doesn't use them all the time because otherwise I'd get used to them. And he likes it best when my punishments are humiliating. Even though it's been years since the first time I was punished with them, every time I feel just as squirmy feeling all the bulk and wetness down there.

This weekend was our first tease of spring for the year, warm enough that I was determined to spend as much of it outside as possible. So I made Hannah and I a brunch reservation and figured we could go lay out at the park and read after. Hannah stepped out of the shower, and when I handed her her usual pull up, she started pleading to switch to her regular underwear just for the day, eyeing her favorite dress.

"Sorry love," I chuckled, "Rules are rules. You'll get back to your big girl privileges when you've earned them."

I gave her a ten-minute warning to be ready, but time ticked past and she was still rifling through her wardrobe, fretting over dress lengths. My patience wore thin; being in pull ups is about learning responsibility, after all. So I put my foot down. "Enough, Hannah. You're making us late and I'm not having it. I already gave you a warning."

Walking over to her wardrobe, I continued "You're clearly struggling to pick out your outfit so I'm going to do it for you." I moved back towards her with my chosen set - a pair of snug pink shorts and a matching tank top with little rainbows on it. Her eyes went wide. "That's for little kids," she protested, her voice laced with embarrassment. Without a word, I grabbed another pull up and put it on the bed with the rest of her new outfit. "Argue and I'll add more. I don't care if you spend the day waddling around in 10 of them." She fell quiet, letting me help her into the second pull up followed by the rest of the childish outfit.

As we were heading out I looked at her, she looked adorable but the extra padding was evident. We walked over to the car and I steered her to the back seat, fastening her seatbelt for her. "Little girls sit in the back," I teased gently, and she pouted, the bulge of her pull ups clear as day.

I’ve gotten a lot of questions about how exactly I go about deciding rules about Hannah’s diapers. After all, the point is for her to focus on learning how to hold herself accountable to accomplish her responsibilities, follow a schedule, and listen to rules. These are all important things that any adult needs to be able to do and if she can’t do them, clearly she’s not an adult. To remind her of her goals, I try to make sure that she’s always a little humiliated. After all, if she gets too comfortable with her pull ups or diapers, it might start encouraging more laziness on her end. So I’ve decided to start a series on ways that I incorporate bits of embarrassment and humiliation into Hannah’s life. Nothing is cuter than watching my baby girl squirm and blush just a little.

Just as I said I don’t want her to get too comfortable with wearing diapers, I also need to provide her with an incentive to work hard at her rules even when she is in diapers. If she gets used to her punishment and knows that it won’t be ending for awhile anyways, the incentive she has to learn those skills diminishes greatly. I’ve made it very clear that she won’t be back in big girl panties for awhile, so how do I keep her motivated to reach smaller markers?

The answer lies in the philosophy, and the title of this first part, “it can always get worse”. What do I mean by that? To give you an example, the last time Hannah was punished, for the first full week of being in diapers she wore a pull up under her diaper every single day. The diaper was changed when needed, but her pull up stayed on all day, ensuring that she didn’t have a moment of dryness. Some part of this was because I wanted her to get used to spending her time in a wet and squishy diaper. But mostly it was because, when at the start of the second week where I removed the pull up and just used diapers, she got to experience the comfort of being cleaned and dried and wiped regularly. So when she started to throw any fits that week, I had the leverage to remind her that we could always go back to wearing that pull up. It was a great piece of leverage that had nothing to do with getting out of diapers, but motivated her to follow her rules anyways.

Spotted: A (big) little girl trying on a darling new outfit in the fitting room! Isn’t it just charming how my little girl can shop in the kids’ section? Adult clothes just don’t accommodate her bulky diapers.

“I know it might seem a bit silly for a grown woman to be wearing children’s clothes” I said to her, grinning at the playful designs on the back of her diapers, made unmistakably visible by the thin leggings, “but you were the one who asked to have something besides onesies to wear at home.”

A smirk played on my lips as her cheeks flushed a deeper shade of red. “I want you to be comfortable while working, so I’m glad to get you some leggings to wear during the daytime. But do you think that little girls who wear diapers should get to wear sexy black leggings like grown women?” She tentatively shook her head, “no.” “Exactly. And let’s not forget, even if you were allowed black leggings, your diaper would still be obvious. Don’t most women wear thongs under their leggings?” By now, she was bright red, but I couldn’t help myself - watching her blush was just too adorable - so I decided to drive it home.

Until today, I had been ordering Hannah's diapers online. However, since Little Miss only wears them when she has wet her bed or when she is being punished, they're not delivered regularly. This morning, when I reached into her drawer to pull out a thick diaper for her as part of her current two-week punishment, I realized that it was our last one!

Fortunately, it was a nice day and we weren't too busy, so it was the perfect day to run to the store. Part of Hannah's punishment is that I pick out her daily outfits, except when she works in person. When we're working from home, she usually just gets a shirt and her diaper. But when we go out at night and on weekends, her outfits can vary. I like to remind her that it's an incentive to behave during her punishments. The fussier she is, the less she's going to like her outfit.

This morning, I dressed her in a cute white shirt with flowers that I like a lot when we're at home because it's short enough that it doesn't go past her belly button, leaving her diaper completely visible to me. For our errand, I grabbed her denim shortalls.

Hannah wasn't surprised when I walked into the living room holding clothes since it was normal for us to go out on a Sunday. However, she'd never worn these shortalls with her thickest diapers, and as she stepped into them and I pulled them up her legs, we realized we were going to have to unbutton the sides to get it past her thick bum. When I clicked her shoulder place into place, she immediately frowned. Sure, it was definitely more revealing than what she usually wears, but practically, no stranger was going to notice. But as soon as Hannah looked in the mirror, she began whining and asking me to change her into something else.

"Please, everybody is going to notice!" she begged. But I knew better than to give into her and ignored her as I got the rest of our things together.

We got in the car and took off. Hannah still didn't know where we were going, but that wasn't abnormal. I had made it clear to her that girls who still wear diapers don't get to ask a lot of questions. They just go where they're brought and do as they're told. We reached the grocery store and I leaned over to her, "We ran out of your diapers this morning, so we have to go shopping for some more!"

Miss Crinkle Pants was NOT thrilled. She started squirming and looked over at me. I tried to reassure her. "Sweetie, nobody is going to know that the diapers are for you! We could easily be buying them for someone else."

She still didn't look convinced. "But they're going to look at me closer, and then it will be obvious," she said. I almost felt bad for her, her cheeks were already blushing. I couldn't help but feel a bit turned on by her utter humiliation.

We walked into the store and I made sure to remind her of our purpose. "Where do you think they keep diapers for baby girls who wet the bed?" I asked her, not making any effort to lower my voice. She looked around, horrified. We walked towards the pharmacy section and found the adult diaper aisle. She couldn't stop squirming, pulling up the denim so the top of her diaper wasn't visible, only for it to fall back down again the second her fingers left her waistband.

"Sweetie, what diapers do you think are best for a little girl who can't behave?" I asked her again. A couple on the end of the aisle walked by us. The man was looking ahead, but the woman suddenly looked at Hannah and then to her crotch before whispering something inaudible to her husband as they passed.

My boyfriend, Zach, started this blog a couple of years ago. When he told me he was doing it, I was absolutely mortified. He also didn’t let me see what he was writing on it and until a few weeks ago I hadn’t. As anyone who’s been following knows, Zach is super busy and has only kept up with this blog intermittently. 

Which, I guess, is where I come in. From now on I’ll be the one posting on here. First of all, this blog blew up more than Zach anticipated and he felt bad about not having the time to back and write more. He's talked about having me document my own humiliation on here, but it wasn't until this weekend where he actually decided to have me log in here and write.

I’m sure I’ll go into everything a lot more, but a big part of our relationship has been Zach supporting me by helping me with self discipline and holding me accountable. I have ADHD and struggle with focusing a lot. It’s how diapers were first introduced. Even though Zach’s been using them to discipline me for years, I still find the entire experience embarrassing, even though the humiliation definitely turns me on. I’m not one of those types who is attracted to “being little” (nothing against those who are) but I am definitely attracted to giving up control, even if the humiliation that comes from it makes me blush and want to hide. Probably why he decided to make me blog to the masses about it instead. 

This weekend I got in a lot of trouble and I know my punishment is far from over. Zach took away my potty privileges on Saturday night. It's been a long time since I've had to wear them all day and I forgot why diapers are such an effective deterrent for me, I can't stop squirming or get used to the wetness. He hasn't told me how long I'll have to be in diapers, only that it will depend on how well I do on this blog. But of course he wouldn't tell me what he meant by that. He thinks it’s good for me to have long-term responsibilities of things that I have to plan out and remember to do. He might still post some captions and updates, but I guess now I will be the default. He

Part of my responsibilities include taking pictures and posting regularly with good grammar and spelling, answering questions honestly, reflecting even when it's embarrassing, and growing the blog's following. I will be posting more but for now send me your questions...? Nice to meet you all.

Okay daddy let's say I really like it if you humiliate me by making me crawl with my wet diaper 🙈💦

See more on JFF 💞💦