ABDL Curse
I always remember hearing that statement as a kid: "There's someone for everyone." As I get older, I kind of just question the legitimacy of that statement, especially when it's not from a lack of trying. It's not from a lack of putting your best foot forward. You are asked to be honest, so you feel queasy every time you don't share your full self. Only to finally share, just to see that look in their eye, to know what they're thinking without ever hearing words. But then they try to lie or not say anything at all, continuing on without a beat.
Only for you to separate for the night, whether through text or by going to different homes. And then you wake up the next morning—your messages blocked, your shared snaps deleted, with no explanation. But you know why... You know you opened up and shared too much. Then, the panic sets in. Is this going to happen every time?! Should I just shut my lifestyle down for good?! Why am I like this?!
All of this feels like a bottomless pit in your head. You become disgusted with yourself. You just want to undo having said anything at all. You want to not be the person you are. You try therapy, talking to others in the community, trying to do positive reinforcement for yourself. But you always come back to the same damn spot in the road.
I just want to love a woman and have her feel the same way back. I want to be the knight when she needs help, or when she needs to open up. I want to take care of her above all else. I want her to be able to be herself freely when she wants to. I want to share my lifestyle with someone, even if they don’t want to be involved themselves. I want to build something.
But I feel like I’m locked behind a door, with men who give this community a bad name—men who don’t want to have a diaper daddy or switch, men who can’t be vanilla part of the time. You take people’s advice: just try to date normal people, let them get to know you. Surely, someone won’t break up or ghost you after months of talking, right? You build a better relationship, you try to be a more normal person, and then you’re upfront about what you’re like behind closed doors. Only for everything you thought you built to come crashing down.
I just feel really tired. Do people realize the mental strain of being open about this? Trying to work something you wish you didn’t know about yourself into conversation. Explaining why it’s a blanket or shelter in your life. I feel mentally drained—like I have nothing left. I hate making this post because I know many people relate. I just want to love someone and be loved in return.
At 30 years old, I feel like I’ve stunted every meaningful relationship because of who I am. Are ABDL men supposed to be happy? Why can't I find someone in real life to try to build a relationship with? I don’t want something online—it's not who I am. I want to touch my partner, wake up and smile at them, travel and see the world together, go on dates, meet their family. I want something real.
I’m not hating on online relationships—some people make it work. But I just can’t. It feels like talking to an AI. If I don’t feel a real connection, I’ll never fully be in that relationship.
Maybe I do need to close myself off. Maybe I need to let others be Littles, but not myself. Maybe I need to let it all go and realize that this is just a daydream for most people. I’m just so tired. 😶😶😞
