𝖽𝗂𝖺𝗇𝖺 𐙚

who am i?

who am i trying to be?

i hate the concept of death. i hate that we are living on limited time. why be born at all when all that is left is to wither and die. aging is awful, dying is awful, living is awful.

life will not always be like this. you would not be able to sleep when you want, wake up when you want, have nothing to do all day and just roll around in blankets. life will be busy, tired. will i miss what i have now? the zero responsibilities and work? no studies, no office, no housework just chilling all day?

quick recap :

i watch avatar 3

i chose to walk out of exams and now i have to sit for all 3

no romance

twitter popping off

do you believe in karma? do you believe in curses?

things would get worse but how much worse can they get? do they finally get bad enough to be ammunition? would you do it? would you finally take the leap? would you finally defeat the survival hardware in your brain , jump off the ledge and be free forever?

i can't help but go back to you. you who promise eternal peace and relief - my coveted non existence. my morbid curiosity craves you.

what is the best way to perish? an accident? an illness? self served? i'd rank accident the last. there is something unfair about having your choices taken away in such an abrupt, violent way. illness second because counting down the days is agony. so does that make self demise the crown jewel of perishing? am i working towards a future where i can have the death i want? the most peaceful one? is that truly not life's greatest achievement?

i hate writing the number 2026. i hate how fast time flies. i hate how we age and decay. i hate how i can't do anything about it but watch youth slip by while im stuck in a stupid ass country. i know the only way out is working but oh my god i fucking HATE everything - i hate this fucking course, i hate this fucking job that keeps me in this fucking city, i hate that everyone has their fucking shit together, i hate that i can't talk to my friends about it, i hate that im so fucking powerless against myself, against habit, against time. i hate everything. i hate life. god have mercy on me. i don't know how anything is going to get better even if i gaslight myself into being grateful. god give me strength.

life update:

totally in love with sylus

got a bunch of hot guys in dms but no replies yet. im starting to think my worst fears about love might be coming true

i need to connect to god properly and that can only be done through repenting

still into Apollo

amino dead officially, another part of childhood dying. at least I was with it till the end - 8 years

i really need SOMETHING ANYTHING to give me hope and excitement

when i am too lazy to switch to my ranting account so i start bitching from my religious psychosis account.

so far

-i am very depressed over mileven

-i am very much in love with sylus

on the last day of the year as i sat there with my last rose browsing the digital dating catalogue, i realised i had yet spent another year single with no eligible bachelors in sight. i had also not studied the entire year and even at 5am on 31st i hadn't touched ink. i had quite literally wasted the entire 2025 and the scariest part was i did not feel either guilty of regretful. or even if i did, it was buried so deep within i would choose ignorance over confrontation.

i don't remember exactly what i wished under the table last year. i know the ones that didnt come true - pass first attempt and find a boyfriend. i don't want to make any plans for 2026, i don't have any goals. despite my complains about the innate stagnation of 2025, i acknowledge that it was peaceful with little summer heat which is much to be grateful for.

-today i clocked that bridget mendler who plays american dolly is the one with a shit ton of degrees

a rando roh*n who has previously ghosted me started hitting me up again, weird vibes

fine shyt ved**t posted with his girl god knows when they'll break up

i have hyperventilations about age but i try not to think about it

i might be nearing 27 when i pass which makes me want to die

if i had a do over id know what to do this time

8:45 pm - my last day being a 22 year old. i scrolled reddit for hours about life, babies, old age, career. i am terrified of growing old. i don't want to be "22+ and stuck in inter", i don't know how to have it all - career, family, growth, love. i am stuck and i am doing nothing about it.

i don't know why age and the past makes me panic. i don't want to know, i don't want to remember anything. i want to lie in my blanket and not think. i feel like with every year that goes by, life both changes and doesn't change. it's a walk towards misery. life is unfair. why are we being raised as lambs for slaughter? why is growing up only awaiting loss and pain? i don't want to lose my youth, my beauty, my 20s. i am terrified of growing old and life not being the way it is. i want to go back to being 10 when dreams and hopes were the escape in life. i am close making them real so why am I anxious?