me:

Aries: “I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my wife is a bitch and I don’t like her. That is not true. My wife is a bitch and I like her so much.”

Taurus: “College was like a four-year game show called Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep? But instead of winning money, you lose $120,000.”

Gemini: “I want to write songs for people in their 30s called ‘Tonight’s No Good, How About Wednesday? Oh, You’re In Dallas On Wednesday? Okay. Well, Then Let’s Just Not See Each Other For 8 Months And It Doesn’t Matter At All.’”

Cancer: “I was in Connecticut recently, doing white people stuff.”

Leo: “You spend most of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me that you don’t want to walk into the ocean.”

Virgo: “I don’t know what my body is for, other than just taking my head from room to room.”

Libra: “In high school, people were like, ‘What are your top 3 colleges?’ I was like, top 3 colleges? I thought I would be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out of the taillight by now.”

Scorpio: “Fourteen years ago, I smoked cocaine the night before my college graduation. Now I’m afraid to get a flu shot. People change.”

Sagittarius: “Like years later, I’d be going down on some rocking twink in college and I’d be like, ‘Wait a second… What would Leonard Bernstein do?’”

Capricorn: “I don’t care for these new Nazis, and you may quote me on that.”

Aquarius: “I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to go read Jane Austen and then I didn’t.”

Harry: Well I’m doing just fine…I lied I’m dying inside

Ron: i don’t have enough money for chicken nuggets

Hermione: that is not correct. Because according to the encyclopaedia of pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-

Neville: Hurricane Katrina? More like Hurricane tortilla

Luna: he needs some milk

Ginny: Go back to sleep, and starve.

Draco: hey loser, say kid backwards! [dik?] Ha ha, that’s gay…

Dumbledore: [HoW dO yOu kNoW wHaT’s gOoD fOr mE?] THAT’S MY OPINIONNN!!!..

Snape: *to the ghostbusters theme song* I’m an adult virgin

Lily: oh my god why can’t you just take the freaking compliMEEEENTT

James: People constantly ask me what’s it like to be a sexy-

Sirius: All I wanna tell you is school’s not important… Be whatever you wanna be. If you wanna be a dog…RUFF. You know?

Remus: [dad, look! it’s the good kush…] This is the dollar store how good can it be?

Peter: I brought you Myrrh [thank you] Mur-dur! [huh…Judas..no]

McGonagall: smack that bitch

Flitwick: I said whoever threw that paper, your moms a hoe!

Hagrid: look at all those chickens

Arthur: road work ahead? Yeah I sure hope it does

Molly: every time you don’t yell at your kids, put a quarter in your sock and soon you’ll have a weapon to beat-

Bill: wOw

Charlie: So no head?

Percy: Hey everybody, today my brother pushed me, so I’m starting a kickstarter to put him down. The benefits of killing him would be: I would get pushed way less.

Fred: can I get a waffle? Can I please get a waffle?

George: I’m John Cena!

Tonks: This bitch empty, YEET!

Moody: I wanna be a cowboy baby

Colin: That was legitness

Cho: Chris is that a weed?

Cedric: Oh my god they were roommates

Fleur: hi, I’m Renata Bliss and I’m your freestyle dance teacher

Victor: *slides in* Good evening

Dudley: Whaddup my name is Jared, I’m 19, and I never fucking learnt how to read

Petunia: I saw you hanging out with caitlin yesterday!! [r-rebecca, it’s not what you think!] i won’t hesitate, bitch! * pew pew *

Vernon: the cheese of truth *puts cheese on newspaper* immigrants cause cancer

Dobby: Hi welcome to chilli’s

Hedwig: Bitch I hope the fuck you do! You’ll be a dead son of a bitch I tell you

Narcissa: two shots of vodka *pours in half a bottle of vodka*

Bellatrix: I love you bitch. I ain’t never gonna stop loving you….bitch.