The Mind Of A Jinx™

Tuesday July 6, 2021

The sight of you ignited a fast spreading flame. I walked past you as if I didn't know it was you, even though you knew I was looking for you you let me walk by. So I stopped, turned around and looked at you with my most convincing curious face. "I've seen you before, your *Samuel" You said nothing. You walked straight up to stand in front of me, I look of danger about your demeanor. The intent in your eyes. We started circling each other and did as animals do when sizing up their prey. I kept up my act innocence, the curiosity still showing on my face. He said something along the lines of "where?" but I may have imagined it since I never saw your lips move. "No, you were in my class a few years ago, at least one of them". Responding to a question I don't remember being asked. I turned to the door from which I entered, my purpose was to bring him to the one who was looking for him. But it was I who really wanted him. And then the door was closed shut with the force of his hand against it. I was left standing between the closed door that I was now trying to open again and his body behind me. The body that I knew had the ability to scorch me. He placed a hand on my back, and in its usual fashion, my back started to tremble as it usually does when unexpectedly touched. The action seemed to stir something in him because that is when he truly surprised me, by running his hands down my body. The rush I felt was unimaginable, party due to the fact that this was happening at all. His hands played it safe, ranging from just below my belly button to just under breasts. His hands went down and came back up and I found myself willing them to go higher. And they did. His hands cupped my breasts and my head tilted back of its own accord. I felt him tugging at my nipple with his hands, then simultaneously tugging at something else in a private nether region. Was I really in this situation with he who I had longed for? I opened my eyes and the familiar white net was there to greet me. The familiar feeling of my bed and scent of my room. Clarity set in as my heart rate slowed down and I rolled over to catch what little was left of my sleepy haze. *Name was changed for privacy reasons

The fun started before we even got to the beach. The van pulled up and we all got piled in. The music was bumping, we were dancing, singing and taking pictures. It was a good prelude to a great night. We picked up a few more people and some stops and then we were on our way to the beach! There were a few men there dismantling a stage but otherwise it was just our party of 14. We stripped down to just swim essentials and I ran into the water. Beez followed and we quickly found out how cold it would be if we didn't stay in the water. The other girls and some of the guys joined us and a few minutes of some swimming like actions later and we came out of the water to get some liquor. That's when I oh so wisely said "Hey Bleu, when are we gonna start stripping? " " I don't know Nelle, I'm waiting on someone to start. I would but... " And just like that, with one quick flick, my top was gone. And so started the stripping. Soon enough, all the girls lost their tops, but we put up a semi decent fight. A cup of rum cream later I see Pet (female) coming out of the water with Speckles's (male) swim shorts. She stole it right off him when he was going past her in the water. And so the nakeyness had started. And so it became a game of capture the undies! Girls vs Boys to see who could strip which side first. One guy and three of the girls weren't participating so it was 5 girls vs 4 girls, the other participating guy was just too creepy for us to go near. The boys were in the water and us girls on the shore. Speckles is light skinned, so on a moonless night he was hard for me to spot in the water. We went a little too close to the shore line and he grabbed shanique by the leg so me and Beez grabbed her arms and it because a tug of war. We were winning till Mario and Stefan started helping speckles. That's when Beez got grabbed. So it was either save shan or beez. They got shan lol. Me, Pet and Beez were left. I wasn't looking when Stefan grabbed me and I lost my swim bottom in seconds. It was a two man team. One held me up while the other pulled the bottoms off. They had a harder fight with Beez's shorts. They were already tight to begin with, them being wet made it harder. But nothing the two man team couldn't handle. Pet's one piece went flying soon after and then there was one girl left standing. Bleu took quick care of that soon we were all in birthday suits. Except Shane, he is the creepy one I mentioned before. They were like, it looks bad to have him be the only one not naked, we have to go strip him. So we went and tried but we tried staying max arm length to do it but that wasn't working too well so he ended up having to take it off himself. Now according to the guys, after we got Shane's shorts off, he started walking towards them while jerking himself off. See what I meant by creepy? And then...... The popo came. Through most of us into a panic. Cuz well, we were naked. I'm yelling for my top and bottom, Bleu is in the water yelling for his shorts and speckles got dressed in seconds. I found my stuff and ran out of the floodlight they had shining on us to quickly put them on. Can't go getting myself arrested naked. Can you imagine, the first time I get arrested could have been naked. Someone finally throws Bleu his shorts, Mario is just wrapped in a towel, Beez has her swim clothes, ppl are dressed and then... The police drive away... We all just started laughing. They sent us into a panic for nothing. Then shanique, who is still butt naked, goes "You guys are all dressed? " She's standing there, just holding up her triple D boobs, looking like a lost lamb. So we all just strip again, fill our cups and head back into the water. Stefan grabbed Beez and threw her over his shoulder cave man style then took her out into the water. Bleu was doing the Captain Jack Morgan in all his glory. All in all it was a good night. A little drama in the end with some girls over Mr. Casanova but, good times. Skinny dipping on a moonless night with awesome people. It's thrilling to be swimming naked at night. Just feeling the water flowing over your entire body while looking up at a star filled sky. It's something I would want to do again and I'm glad I got to do it with fun friends.

I smiled as I touched my hand to my damp curls and took in the smile upon your face. Your admiration pleased me. Your love of my natural hair pleased me.

I was nervous. The glass was foggy, I couldn't see through it so I used my hand to wipe it. I sat back and thought of a similar situation such as the one I was in. Traveling the rainy streets to a private destination. The intention wasn't the same as the last, though I wanted it. But circumstances prevented it. At least I wouldn't leave feeling the same way. The car stopped and I got out. Opening my umbrella as I pretended not to hear the men shouting at me to get my attention. To get my number. But my attention wasn't on them. My attention was what awaited me at the top of the hill. Who. And so up the miracle I went. As I walked I remember thinking what a beautiful place it was, surrounded with lush greenry. Approaching my destination to find to find the gates opened. Welcoming. I take the path that I have travelled before, the one leading me to your door. I knock. Again. You open the door, and there my trial began. The smell of your favorite vise hit me giving meaning to the worried words you said to me moments before. But there you were, in your partially naked glory. I secured what was my excuse for being there and so as soon as I had gotten there, it was already time to leave. But you didn't know I had shelter to go. I was not going to enlighten you. And so I sat and waited for the rain to ease. I sat and enjoyed your presence. One. Last. Time. And as I had my eyes closed with my head tilted back against the wall, you're voice broke the silence. Concern. For me. Do I tell you that just days before I was in shambles? "I'm fine" The generic answer. You ask again and I let loose one worry. One, totally unrelated to you, worry. You praise me for how I told you I'm handing it and I smile. You were that version of you again. The version of you that's mine. The version I know and grew fond of. Felt like we were "niggas" again. You kept pushing for conversion. I wanted it, and so we talked about all the problems that had grown between us. And as if it had never stopped, I fell back into the ease of being able to freely talk to you. We bantered back forth and we came to see each other's point of view. Then you did what my heart wanted, you apologized. You explained and apologized. We had worked it out. Now it was really time for me to go. There was no excuse to hold me there. But then you wanted your goodbye. I wouldn't give into giving it the way you wanted So you played dirty. Choke. Slap. Grip. Squeeze. Pin. The temptation was strong. But circumstances prevented it. Morally as well. "One last memory" I smiled, and made you "talk" one last time. I hugged you and wished you well. You did the same. And as I told you to be good, I stepped out onto the gravel and went back down the miracle.

I'm sitting engulfed in my own flames. Remembering how we were, confused at how we are. I gambled for you and I lost. And of all the painful things about the situation, the part that hurts the most is that you chose to be with someone. Someone that isn't me. It just replays in my head of the times when it was just us. Oblivious to all else. How we talked and became intimate on more than just a physical level. And it's gone. All that, just gone. Did I mess this up? Or was I living in an illusion and was being used? Did you just find another and move on? These weigh on my heart. Things I need answers to. But as you so bluntly told me, "you won't always get the answers to everything Jhean". Remember? That night you utterly shattered the image of what I thought we were. And ever since then you have had me on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. There is a chance of seeing you for one last time. One more rollercoaster ride. One last look at what the devil sent me.

Everything was fine and my life was on track. I was even seeing someone that I was attempting to go slow with. We had our difficulties but I was working with it. He loves me, I liked him. Then a wild card came into my life and everything went topsy turvy. You hurt me. I'm still hurting. I wish there was a pain killer for heartache. But the only solution I find for that has high alcohol content. I don't know what to do. It's been a long time since I've felt this way and I know there's no quick fix. It is an over time fix. It is a suffering.

2013 was really a year of finding myself. It was a year of transition for me. I started 2013 off as I did all the previous ones. In self loathing wallowing in myself pity. Another year had passed without any progress in my life. And along the year I went from that to looking at myself with a big gat damn smile.In my adult lufe my self esteem has never been this great and I'm lovin' it. Oh, I grew my hair out. It's completely natural now amd I'm loving it. It was apart of the "Loving Myself" process. I'd have to say that towards the end of the year music played a noticeable part in the way I felf. On my birthday, beyonce released her self titled album and there's a song on there called 'Pretty Hurts'. I can't exactly explain why but that song REACHED ME. Know that kinda song that hits you in your feelings? It hit mine. (Yes I got the entire album songs and videos and yes I love the whole damn album). Another song that had me in my feelings was 'Jealous' but that's for another post. But uh, no heartache for 2013. Yay meee! I got over it.  How ? Well one way to kill one heartache is to fall for someone else. But I went a different route. I decided that my feelings come above everybody else's and just stay away from them. For me avoidance was key, out of sight was not out of mind BUT eventually they go out of mind too. This year started off better. I hope it continues upward. Happy New Yearrrrrr!

Today, my mother in her usual tasteful way, reminded me that I own nothing in this world other than what she gives me. I eat her food, I use her light,  I use her water, I use her money and I live in her house. Vaguely explained, I needed to use something that she had other things in, so I removed it and placed it in something else so I could use it. She comes in and realizes this and asks so what is she supposed to use now. At this point there were 2 of thaws things and she was using them both which she does didn't need to, so I said we'll you can't be using get both of them. She as usual blew up. Later on she says to me that I should never ever do that again because it's hers and if she wants to use it she will use it and she shouldn't have to ask anybody for it. Thats when I got the reality check. Without her, I can't survive. Now most people would look at this in a grateful manner. But not in the way I got it. It was more of a I only let you use my things and be in my house because I feel like it and I can get rid of you any time I want. That's how I got it. I can't financially stand on my own.  I have no where else to go. That was the reality check. Instead of feeling like a loved daughter who is fortunate to be supported by her mother I feel like an unwanted liability and burden waiting to be unloaded.

Jhean