Spicy Disaster

Find a new job (and maybe stay a little longer.. maybe)

Make new friends (◕ᴗ◕✿)

Be kind to myself

Walk everyday

Less screen time (lesser consumption, create more)

Read at least 3 books

DISCARD POLYESTERS IN MY WARDROBE AND ANYTHING PLASTIC!!

Make my own clothes (◕ᴗ◕✿)

Walk barefoot on grass, sand and soil

Draw something, anything, everyday

practice roller skates (◕ᴗ◕✿)

CROCHET MOOD BLANKET!!

CUT SUGAR!!

GET OUT OF THIS MF HELLHOLE WE CALL HOUSE!! (ノ｀Д´)ノ彡┻━┻

That's when it hit me. Dreaming is easy. Making it happen is another thing.

Kaya ko nadedepress kasi sa dami dami ng gusto kong gawin, I end up doing nothing kase I'm overwhelmed by how many goals I've been wanting to achieve.

I keep wanting to do this and that without knowing how much time, effort and skill it takes to get the results I envisioned while dreaming.

Nafefeel ko tuloy na parang wala akong sariling personality.

I think they hate me. Definitely not an assumption kase at first ang bait bait nila sakin tapos, wala pang 1 month (mind u it's my birth month and after ng bday ko pinagmumumura na ko ng nanay ko kase nabbwisit siyang makita akong namimilipit sa sakit bc of my gut issues) almost everyday na ko sinisigawan because of petty things like mga langgam sa mesa or maling bimpo yung nakuha or may nakapasok na langaw/lamok sa loob ng bahay or namimilipit ka na sa sakit, sila pa yung galit. Na instead of comfort, mumurahin ka pa.

I've also said before na pinapatayan ako ng electric fan ng hilaw kong MIL kahit sobrang init sa kanila. She also likes comparing me to other girls she knew and shiniship niya sa anak niya before which is weird kasi hello gf po ako ng anak niyo. Like what are u implying? Hehe?

Anyway back sa main storyline, as a fragile gorlie, masakit sa puso masigawan ng mga taong nagbigay ng buhay sayo noh. Hahahaha crying while writing this :( hindi ko alam if normal yung gantong pamilya pero ever since I was little, I can't remember any happy memories with them. It's always the screaming and fighting and cursing each other out.

I feel so pathetic hoping for a loving family to welcome me noong umuwi ako. But reality slapped me so hard in the face. They never changed. I never wanted a home where people screams at you just because they're irritated and projects it onto you.

All I wanted is a safe space for me to heal and get back on my feet again. A space where I can clear my head, not spiral down in a place I've been trying to escape. I'm just trying to survive.

Yet the dust looks biteable today.