⛤StarLighte offcail

i know im posting this at like 1am but normally since i was a kid my bday felt spehel let alone a huge change ever since i was in hs or middle school it just felt like a random event or like another day insted of something huge idk why i havent posted in 2 days but still its just a feeling like its another normal day nothing so huge i should sleep dev be nudgeing me isnt she baby but besdies things im not expecting much tbh and 1000% def no frineds wich tbh doesnt matter and no im not asying it as a defence mech thinngy its the truth theres no deep meaning i really just dont care and no im not hopeless in a sense its just.. the truth k.. gosh atleast i got new boots and some new books off powells.. its prob just the movies how ppl get txts on bdays and stuff from others atleast i got one from my gmail tho it was about copyright or new updates wich atleast they see me kind ppl..

what a werid theroy he had.. he said lately he dreamt of his mother wich we all know by now my grandmother fathers side btw anyways i do miss her but i never knew she liked adel i context i was up late again and i randomally had adel stuck in my head for no reason we all know i listen to way to much dev but adel i havent head anything of that artist in years let alone he said before he lately he has dreams of her so he made a theroy of her calling or something idk how to worded it now my last fm fucked up a random track was just playing now by krisnta debarge wich tbh i do love her music but i havent heard that track yet but its called "it gotta be love" werid i never heard or scrobbled it before idk why it was scrobbled i didnt have spotfiy for anything open the song was mid as i just now heard it bc i was crious but the adel song was set fire to the rain at 2 fucking am holy sue u in heaven or something why u bombing my mind with adel look i miss u ur my grandmother on father side but still girlll you man idk why that song was summoned in my mind and ofc another adel track played after that was also another adel one quit huanting me sue! gosh let me guess gotta be love wait how u know i like kiristna debarge i only discorved her like months ago and u died in 2019 uhhh also why a song called gotta be love look atleast she kinda agress my music taste isnt so bad... id be suprised next if she scrobbles a dev track then we know whats going on what are you trying to tell me?!??!? i dont need a slow tempo song at 8am im trying to stay up over here.. ha why am i makeing fun of this i find it amuseing

saw on my insta stories yes u can see who views it it was one of the frineds so called ones who ignores me irl why is she still following me let alone views my stories? but irl like idk you know also mom wtf you mean so context i went in her room with my laptop cuase im bored she thinks im looking at pintrast for more cloths and she said why dont you just worry bout school and not that uhh then i responded with dude i go to school wtf u think im doing (not by choice tho that i go) if i wasnt this so called worried why am i even going eh? so what are you trying to fucking imply here? no response i asked twice nothing so i just left also why do they make it sound like a big deal of my bday is in 3 days persay its just another year that i have died sadly i dont find anything spechel of bdays and age tbh its just a number and another painful reminder how i havent died for another year ugh idk what more to say im still sleepy even tho i crahsed for ???? hours gosh also i said i dont want a cake in genral they responded with i have to have one in my mind im like uh why so i didnt agure like come on im just turning another number nothing spechel here like hello? i dont really want anythin for my bday tbh

Pourin' coffee in the ice, like a blizzard When we drink we do it right, gettin' wizard Sippin' espresso in my ride, like donut bytes Now I'm feelin' so fly like a donut Like a donut, like a donut Now I'm feelin' so fly like a donut Like a donut, like a donut Now I'm feelin' so fly like a donut

well priod today but thats not the case i kinda vented to my mom and what did i expect ofc she keeps saying how to get frineds and keep saying that i need to go out help the curch go shopping and be in a group and do shit man my mind is over cooked she even said bc i showed her my posts from 3 days ago or something shes like stop saying and thinking like that well sorry gosh not my falut i think like that that im dead and a ghost and shit she doesnt understand when she stops me mid sentance to keep saying she knows she understand but from the looks it isnt i even explained that they all dropped me one random day as if im not even here and well i started to cry talking about it she hugged me atlaest tho it didnt really help at the end of the night as it is 12:10AM pst but still i have a headache and it dosent help she claims im pickey and hard mood but i wasnt allways like this its bc they made me like the way i am but she says dont blame it on anyone you cant blame it on anyone and they didnt idk wha that logic supposed to mean also yes im listing to dev low-key rn while typeing this i swear shes a comfort artist and idol to me i love her alot but thats not the point of the post now is it sure i can go on a rampage on how much dev helps or how much i love her but.. ,,this is bout me not my fandom tho (i love her to gosh) sometimes i wonder now ik what i might think if i ever read this when im older gievin this is a dairy post as how i use this platfrom called tumblr you see ive been thinking and its not some scfi movie like irobot or time paradox n shit but i feel like this is all a simulation and im the one who actally woke the fuck up everyone doesnt see the school system like me or the pain everyone as i call it is on a thing called a script a role like a npc rpg type shit and im the only one who awoke and relized something is off manye thats why the npc's ignore me is bc there on a script and a spawn time with who following each line of code like automated scripts like someone from skyrim now dont call me crazy here thinking its some scfi fantasty im telling the truth everyone needs to wake up i cant be the only one up in this simluation VR like place (tho i never owned or played on one tho i wold love to) not the point here

you know what will make a good funny prank that we mean? lets have a frined from fucking middle school and call em there best frineds or a close frined some what then where gonna drop her in freshmen year and still be frineds with out other frineds thats a amazing prank you know and when she says hi or our names lets think of shes not there as if she passed away cuase lets be far she did oh what about her you may ask naw she doesnt matter anyways like us who have love and frineds sure shes struggling but who cares what matter more is her being hurt and lets have her over think things on why we lefted her also shes prob jellous that we have frineds and she dont lol what a fucking loner like come on i dont feel bad lets not even say sorry or even look at her our frineds better anyways besides what does being alone feel like atleast i got my frineds loser

was son bear saying I saw my old middle school friend who she claimed that I was a bestie or a good friend of hers and middle school.I said hi, she didn't even turn to look at me.Did I not speak out loud.I'm confused why do I not have any friends?Nobody loves me, say hi.This is what I get unless I am dead right now.I'm a ghost and people can't see me in reality.And is it's just a nightmare that I can't wake up from gosh please I need a friend I cant keep... wait why do I need a friend will they help me gosh im over thinking things.. i wish I was alone and not in public so I can break down and scream I WANT A FUCKING FRIEN- nvm i sound stupid.. things I wish i said or can say.. "can I come over to my friends house?" "Can I go with my friends?" "I love my friends" and other normal teenage stuff its not real the quotes I said its only in movies where actors act to get fame and money.. im sorry all of it is on me cuase its not just 1 perso n im trying to rember what i did or why i desruve this.. well i took a 3 minuet break out now im home with some screams and sobs i miss my sceraming voice now when i scream it sounded like air since 5th grade why is that you know why dont i be like everyone when someone is lonely i wont say or do anything ill walk past someone who is crying and i wont make eye contact to anyone (not like everyone isnt lonely as me so in genral i cant do what they do its still the outcome of the other way arounf)

went to get coffee at sip before it closes saw lady with nice tats I wisper I like her tats as a hint but let's just say he replied back there's no such thing or something like that... sorry I want tats too like dev I wanna be cool bad gal vibe but rember I dont really own my body.. as a little kid i liked ppl with tats in genral i tought they were cool tho tbh irl im afraid of the pain thats why i never priced my ears also its 2026 not the 1700s were didgal just photoshop it simple idk why im rambleing bout it but man i feel very embarrsed and sad normally also im used to when i say i like something or that something is cool i used to get feedback on "ok you want it?" or "if you want i can take you one day" so this is very akward and i feel like i should of kept it to myself.. i know my posts are shorter and shorter its not bc of how i think its what happend not much happend so i dont really post.. im so stupid ok tho sometimes i wonder what other parents are like are they better or what haveing siblings pets or even a frined would change or be like i have so many questions besdies mother pulled a muscle after annoying me out of nowahre like i hate when im trying to do something and she keeps comeing in like fucking stop omfg shes so annoying like leave me the fuck alone

here i tought i was gonna get something good so he calls it an "early bday gift" my bday is june 3 but still so he said he needed to go to the bank so i was like ok ill stay in the car he made me come with inside a fucking tmobile and said well lets get u a new samsung i was like um wtf first of all the s24 fe isnt old as he calls it and i love my phone so i was like um why? he was like he was gonna get me the newest s26 i was like hell no i love my phone well that was a bust so ofc i was really piseed but atlaest i kept my ohone in the car i was mad telling him why i dont need one at all i then say nothing as i sigh and put a hand on my head he got mad at me bc i had actions when i said nothing why so i think in my mind why can yall get mad and i say nothing but when i show a little bit its a "allright geez clam down" like im sorry thats not how anger work normally he tell me ahead of times so i can back up my data and shit anyways its nice i getta sit alone for once in public cafe shops thank good i really need independacne for fuck sakes just me and my video editing software i never relized how peacful it can be

i cant stop thinking what is wrong with me how i had friends since middle school well some up until freshmen year as im almost 11th now they walk past me ignore me as if i wasn't there like that one time i said hi she ignored me i forgot im invisible to everyone but parents gosh when did i die and why can't i RIP ya know or that one time another friend walked past me in middle school were like besties now she walked past me as if im air its either ppl moving away or im dead why does everyone have frineds but me sometimes i wanna scream in agony with a cry saying IM SO FUCKING LONELY I WANT FRINEDS HELP ME... but thats not how frineds work and i would be seen as mental or a phyco into do so.. a question i was asked once "when you go there who do you talk to" me: no one i just go there to do my shit and come home exhausted thats all cuase im forced to do so insted of liveing my life also fyi i hate being called a student or a minor as mentally im 26 wich is real than my phycal body and no this isnt some fantasy so get that outta ur mind.. but gosh no wonder im attched to dev alot (ps shes on my wallpaper still as im typeing this) but everynight every day i cant warp my mind around how everyone else "sees" me well if they can infact i could be takeing 5 hour naps wich well i do and get 0 notfactions sometimes i would be lucky to have "100 ppl liked ur comment" ok and? i wich i can have an explanation to my "ex frineds" why they cant see me and lefted me made me think i was useful or loved for once when its all fucking fake i think everyone owes me alot of things or atleast a "your hurting i didnt know im so sorry i lefted you ignored you bc of abcd" why just why dont i have siblings pets or frineds why why i have to live like this im sorry if im dramadic also no this inst a SH post as i dont need the 3 magic numbers that i hate it makes me uncomfy to see those "magic" numbers this post mainly just my every night thoughts also lately im only eating 1 meal a day now i lost so much apptie in things also i never feel pleasure is being loved so hard in this fake world how why everyone have frineds and im the expections eh?

2 reels now on insta kids yes I mean kids 6 years old looking getting hair dyed or colored okay, first of all, I'm a decade older. And how come I couldn't do it? Also, how does those parents even approve that they're too young? I'm a decade older than them. And yet I'm still too young. Apparently, what is going on with these people? This doesn't make sense, shouldn't they say no? Hello??? Makes no sense

atheist i skipped yesterday but ik after this year i aint coming back here EVER again after the yelling who emailed and what they do yeah exactly if im not here no emails were sent = peace now im gonna blame every single fucking person in here yes ppl sending emails about papers being ripped hey atleast its not my fist at ur fucking faces assholes and yet everyone mad at me like i fucking killed someone dipshit over paper and me leaveing before i get viloent thats why i leave before i get to mad and theres another outcome be thankful you UNGREATFUL PIECE OF FUCKING DIPSHIT ASHOLES! cuase i could cuss i could do worst dont fucking TEST me this isnt a threat your lucky im not insaine yet i say yet bc youll never fucking know what they will cuase? now tell me and answer me how is leaveing class and ripping paper the same as muder?? it shouldnt be taken that hevy or anything at all im doing yall a favor so ungreatful bitches staying here reninds me what the pain they cuased me here and at home so its everyone falut paper isnt muder grow the fuck up its like a baby not knowing how to pee and peed there pants same shit baby didnt hold a knife baby didnt throw food at ppl its the same thing like getting mad at a baby for crying like??? why am i even talking about logic over here when lets me fucking real for once there is NONE you know what ima not talk today how bout that tho my expression im done with the poker face yall fucked up badly and i mean badly.. dont blame me if things go rough its actally your falut i swear idk if this will be a PTSD place for me now or what.. ugh.. now its 8pm i dont understand why when in middle school i wanted to dye my hair and wear makeup but years untill now it was allways a no.. now i dont want it anymore why they wait so long and say no back then when everyone could but not me? they wait till i forgot about it and brings it up it makes me confused why im getting a txt of if i could wear makeup what i would wear.. i said nothing cuase im fucking done why do i have to wer makeup what are you trying to imply now?? it makes me very hurt and depressed thinking about it tbh

IM SICK AND TIRED OF PPL TREATING ME LIKE A SLAVE THEY GIVE ME ORDERS EXPECTING ME TO PASS I DONT WANNA BELONG TO ANYONE I WANNA BE MYSELF MY OWN PERSON BUT NO IM JUST A FUCKING WORKER THAT HAS TO PASS.. he said i cant just drop out i never said that unless they can read my fucking mind great also yes i can techanlly droup out this is bullshit look my mind and body wont let me learn anymore im i was failing allredy in 4th grade and later i wonder what that would tell u? mabye im not normal mabye i just cant?? even asked me what my "plan" is well lets see.. naw ill just let silance speaks for itsself sometimes i wonder if i have a normal fam or what others my age has and what im lacking without friends or siblings or pets can i feel better can i ..know? all im saying is my body and mind wont let me learn shit anymore what makes school so great holy place anyways? ugh why isnt he yelling at my mom hes like sweet and kind to her and im being yelled at i was blunt enough to even say when hes cussing at me i was like "um why u cussing at me" him: "cuase im so mad at you" well i actally said do you rember what i said last night? he said nothing so i knew i somewhat win genral info i get my bluntness from dev sure but id never seen myself useing it let alone on em why do they want me to pass so badly and why i dont wanna i cant play my borad they use me anyways *shurgs* and here i been up for an hour its now 11:06 and im running alot on my mind as you can see here gosh i slept horrble being love is the biggest thing to ask from the world in genral wich makes sense why i never got it can i just be an audlt allredy i hate being called a student i hate being called a minor also you can see my toughts and how i act isnt "minor like" i barely feel pleasure and im under so much prussrure i feel like im WAFFFJ allredy (working a fucking full time job) no money no peny but money isnt the issue or point here..

10:20 worst night ive been yelled at max on top of his lungs bout school if there wasnt school i wouldnt feel broken.. i allredy said sorry and ill do better to shut him up that didnt work he kept adding more and more idk what im doing in life anymore im crying rn and i wish i can scream but itll make things worst.. gosh i need a therpyst i just cant keep going to that place not only it breaks realtionships and me i really wanna sell all my shit rn like my consoles and games.. besides he expects me to pass let alone "from now on ill do nothing but homework" why dont you do your shift at home to then? as i allways tell them will yelling at me pointing at me fix anything or will it make things worst or hurt me you want me to care about ur feelings but what about me im the target im the one whos being yelled at.. tmr ill just take my hoodie/jacket this time put my hood up and be depressed cuase i am.. am i "mental" why do i have so much issues i-i cant cant i just drop out so none would happen amymore i wanna live alone and be my person im past a breaking point no i dont need hotlines this inst sh or a crisis im not that insaine ..yet why am i allways the one everyone can be mad at why me? cant he be mad at someone else and take it out on someone else? cuase ive been torugh enough i dont wanna be it i dont wanna be the pray i have the urge to escape home i just wanna be myself but i cant if im trapped ..mabye in another life it would be better for me i know i used to love my consoles but ill sell all of it but my laptop his quote "i never been so mad at you in my entire life" i didnt react i kept a poker face the whole time he threw his phone on my bed it bounced off it yelling curseing at me pointing at me im sorry but will that fix me will it make anything better or is it abuse.. i wish i have a frined where i can call to spend to night or even talk to to help me ...well that option is out idk how the next few weeks or days gonna go.. what if i had a sibling in the first place will they defend me i want someone to defend me love me and ...help me im sorry i-its just to much to ask for i.. understand (not like im asking anyone at all rn) 12:04 my mom came in and we just talked it kinda helped a bit but.. now i need dev to clam me a bit more i dont think i can sleep or go tmr without a scene that will be worst she said just keep for another month im sorry but i cant keep another month if im in this state of mind and i allways need a nap after the shitless.. 1am kinda helped thank u dev,, mainly songs getaway and shadows from tntscu.. things I wish I can say but ppl will think its sh when its just dark toughts and I have no intentions person: whats ur goals or what u wanna be when u grow up? Me: dead. (What a person would say): is that sh? We gotta talk about that is not ok you have intentions I gotta report that isnt ok to think or say" sigh sorry its just dark humor and toughts

had a werid dream so for context I slept 4 hours after school well it was a crash.. anywyas dream I was on the bus tho I was coming from my elementary school the old dundee one anywyas it was rainy it was werid I walked out the same door as my hs by the histeoy hall (my last period of the day) running to bus in the rain soundcore in I was late I asked Google to play kick bass in ur face by dev (givein its devs most fastest bpm song she made in my opnion irl i like to pick a fast track when im running late to classes anywyas i pick a fast song or a loud one to get me to run fast to class) made to the bus really hot outside no room for a split second?? Then a random tall cute dude (irl idk who the dude was) hes tall with brown hair that's under a hat curly hair a bit soft waves in a tan jacket and out of nowhere im telling him no to not poke a spicy pillow?? He actally pokes it.. ome exploded one after another all of em went off well that spicey pillow fell from the seat to the floor got punctured exploded another smaller one a phone one behind 4 seats back exploded up ripping tne bus roof well burnt a small hole the bus was still driving ofc i was sitting alone stops after stops we drove by then a small little gril playing in the yard was a hero shes short with plastic cups like headphones and thick black glasses in a purple jacket with a watering house blasted the fire out then it was my stop seconds later as soon it stopped a werid girl black hair huge ass chest and what looked like plastic surgery face walked in I was confused bus driver said "good morning" like I even broke the dream wall asking who the hell have school after school hours?? But I dont rember if I lefted the bus in the dream I tought it was a werid dream and how I crashes u till 8pm..