Heart Of A Vagabond

pack my life into my car

& escape into the mountains

completely disappear

from responsibilities

from people

from my heart

but then I remember people are relying on me

I remember the checklists need someone to check them off

I remember there are things that stress me out and theres a reason they do

& there’s no way to out run my feelings

It’s real.

It hurts.

That should count for something.

Feelings suck.

Emotions suck.

It’d be nice to have a switch sometimes.

Oh, you’re crying again?

Just flip it off for a few hours. 

That would be an invention worth investing in.

I’m okay.

I’m not in trouble.

it felt like an intervention.

but if I’m honest, I wanted it.

I miss being “me”

I miss laughing and smiling

I miss not feeling so empty

I miss enjoying work

I miss a lot of things

it’s going to be hard

I’m not naive to that

but I’m ready for it

it’s time for a change,

because this isn’t what life is,

and I’ve got a whole lot more

but I stopped trusting you

and

I think

for a while

I stopped trusting God too

It’s an innocent, yet, complex question.

I am.

Despite the tears that keep streaming down my cheeks. Or the stress induced migraine. Or the insomnia, anxiety, or depressive episodes.

I am okay.

Tomorrow the sun will rise and I will wake up to meet it.

That is how I know I am okay.

Because of the people in my life who make sure that even when I feel nothing, they are there. To hope for me until I can hope for myself.

Until then...

its not that long.

...right?

thats how far I live from

everything

from work

from my friends

from my safe places

thirty minutes isn't that far

until you don't have a car

and your anxiety kicks in

and covid means you can't go anywhere

so you're stuck sitting in your house

by yourself

feeling all the things

and your community can't be with you

thirty minutes is far

...

that is all

well...

not all

theres a lot more to it

like the joy I feel when I think about the last year

or when I hear my favorite little girls giggle through a video chat

or when I create something that just clicks and I get responses from my boss like "I REALLY REALLY love it"

or when my dog gets happy to see me in the morning and her whole body wags

like the nostalgic feeling of picking up my dusty guitar

or breaking out the watercolors

or reading through old tumblr posts

like the sadness of missing out on yet another thing because #quarantine

or seeing friends (and my sister?!) get married and have babies

or the lonliness I feel sometimes when I wish I could just sit with my friends or that I had a boyfriend (or husband) that I could just have to converse with in my house

or realize my internship ends in a month and suddenly the future feels a even more unknown then it did in march

like the anxiety that lingers in the shadows waiting for the right moment to pounce and throw off my whole week

or the butterflies (not the good ones) that make me question every decision I make when I'm already nervous to be running multiple departments at work

or the uneasiness of not knowing whether or not to keep putting money into my side business because who knows if I'm going to be able to support myself next week and that's a frickin' lot of money to pay for a website.........

okay, so that's not all

it's a lot easier to answer

'I'm fine'

and go on with my day

living in this bubble of mood swings and overwhelming emotions and unexpected feelings

so yeah

my heart feels a little heavy

As I sit in the dark writing what comes to heart all I can think is how I’m safe to just let the tears flow

No one would see them

No one would know

I just read through the last two years worth of posts

God is good

Thinking about all of the things he’s done in and through me

I’m blown away

The anxiety returned last week

All I’ve wanted to do for the last three days is cry

I thought maybe I’d get to do something I love this week and even that has been ripped from my hands

So I sit here

Late at night

In the darkness

Thanking God for seeing and caring

About my disappointment

About my tears

About my dreams

this morning?

it’s 2 am so I don’t even know anymore

worst case scenarios flood my imagination of what could be next for us

for you

my best friend

my soul mate

my other half

my heart

it could literally be nothing

but just the idea of it reminds me of the frailty of life

the shortness of your time here

I can’t sleep due to the possibility of never sleeping next to you again

of never feeling your warm breath on my cheek

of never being annoyed by your ocd fueled attention

I love you stinky

forever and

always

I don’t know how I’m feeling these days.

Stressed. Frustrated. Anxious. Overwhelmed. Over my head.

I feel all of it, and yet, none of it.

I’ve been running from my feelings. A scary thing for a Four to say. I block them out. Distract myself. Run from the emotion. Cling to the emptiness.

I wish I could say that this won’t last, but I’m too afraid of what I might find if I start to sift through the mess. 

My Three Wing tells me I need to keep a strong appearence. Wear the mask that says “everything is fine.” That my brokenness is weakness in a time of trouble. That others need me to not cry or show fear. 

So I sit here hold a giant box, refusing to open it. Every once in a while they try to fight their way out. I can feel them, through the tears. Welling up. Trying to escape. But I won’t let them. I shove them back down. Further inside each time. 

I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.

Soon.

Soon, I fear they will be too much for me to control. To hold back.

If you see the tears, please understand.

I’m falling apart.