Why do I enjoy this so much?

Hey there everyone!

I was going to let this blog die in the comming purge as it started off as a hobby for me. I’ve had a few followers and a friend ask me to migrate to twitter and after some thinking I decided that was a good idea.

I’ll be doing the same stuff, mostly retweeting cute chubby art that I see.

We have evolved a lot in our time together, especially on his end. Established “rules” (that seem too rigid to some, too loose for others) have gone away, no longer necessary. My need for privacy and discretion remains intact, but some of the other needs are less powerful. Because of the changes in me, I’m currently at battle with myself. Should he date? Should he take these women on dates? It is basically only still a “rule” because he has no desire to do so, so what real hold do I have on it anyway?

I told him the other day if he dated, I would support him.

He thanked me.

I cried.

Why did I cry?

The thought of him on date is arousing and miserable.

The thought of my being so submissive that I encourage him to do things that hurt me arouses me and makes me hate myself.

Why did I cry?

I didn’t know it until he said thank you, but I️ expected him to say he could never, would never go on a date.

Why don’t I want him to go on a date?

Time. The time it takes to be together, not fucking. The risk of people seeing. The sadness I’ll feel while he’s with another, laughing and getting to really know her.

Why do I️ feel this?

Cause the misery feels good, it turns me on.

So just as quickly as I said I would support him, I begged him not to. In my mind, he was texting someone to set up a date, but I knew that was not rational.

So I feel torn. Life feels so stable, so good, so RIGHT right now - why do I want to push boundaries? Does he want to? He’s gone on dates. I’ve never been turned on by it - not once - but what if I supported it? Started it? Encouraged and was in on it? Would I like it then?

I speak in these rambles right now like he has no say in the matter. I don’t think he cares one way or the other. I’m having this internal struggle over a topic that he hasn’t even expressed matters to him - while he’s fine, living his normal life. Crazy me.

So I tell you all that because so many people say I never struggle. I don’t get how they feel. I make this lifestyle look so easy.

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