i hate that ive made this blog into me just expressing my. worries. but. let me just lay it out for you.
this blog makes me feel morally shitty.
it also fucks with me a lot
so i guess what im getting at is this blog makes me feel shitty.
i feel morally shitty bc this thing happens on every single one of my blogs where, i have a small follower count and i get a lot of attention and that's great for someone who is so dangerously isolated like i am. so it makes me feel good. well it MADE me feel good. you'd think id want a higher follower count but it seems the higher it is, the more im ignored. and that makes me feel unworthy and upset. i see all of these followers and I know I will never see or talk to any of you. Or you'll talk to me but the minute we're no longer rp partners, our friendship is meaningless.
Morally it doesn't make me feel good bc it makes me put value on a number of followers. I dont know if having a higher number is better or lower anymore now. I've had a blog with 9k before and this blog is almost to 1k and honestly I had more fun when I was at 300 followers.
I dont want to care about followers. I want to write. But it fucks with me.
I made a starter call. And yeah it's got like 7 likes. But I'm hesitant to write the starters bc ever since I started this blog, I'd write starters and no one would reply to them and starters take me like 8 years and a lot of effort to write. Its like my number one way to get me to break a mutual with you. So I'm hesitant to write the starters
My threads are really old. Tbh theres only one I'm looking forward to outside of discord rps.
So. I apologize to clog your dash with this.
I'm not in a good place right now.
I'm really. Really bad. And I dont see myself getting better right now. My biggest thing is that I'm alone through all of it to boot.
So I'm also not in a position where I should archive connor and isolate myself more. I dont know what's worse for my mental health.
Do I isolate and archive. Give up a muse I love and still have muse for? Or do I stay? And continue to feel shitty?
I'm going to log out to resist the temptation to immediately delete this so if anyone has any sage words of wisdom, my discord is