archived

alright

i’ve transferred all of the drafts im keeping

annnnnnd ive queued my archive notice to post once a day for the next week

hey all.

this blog is now archived and moving.

i need a bit of a fresh start.

never fear though, if you’re still interested in being my mutual, not much is changing, feel free to follow me back over on @devncy.

to those i won’t see again, it’s been great. i wish only good things for you. 

love you.

This blog is now archived.

You can follow connor and I back over at @devncy

i hate that ive made this blog into me just expressing my. worries. but. let me just lay it out for you.

this blog makes me feel morally shitty.

it also fucks with me a lot

so i guess what im getting at is this blog makes me feel shitty.

i feel morally shitty bc this thing happens on every single one of my blogs where, i have a small follower count and i get a lot of attention and that's great for someone who is so dangerously isolated like i am. so it makes me feel good. well it MADE me feel good. you'd think id want a higher follower count but it seems the higher it is, the more im ignored. and that makes me feel unworthy and upset. i see all of these followers and I know I will never see or talk to any of you. Or you'll talk to me but the minute we're no longer rp partners, our friendship is meaningless.

I'm sick of that cycle.

Morally it doesn't make me feel good bc it makes me put value on a number of followers. I dont know if having a higher number is better or lower anymore now. I've had a blog with 9k before and this blog is almost to 1k and honestly I had more fun when I was at 300 followers.

I dont want to care about followers. I want to write. But it fucks with me.

I made a starter call. And yeah it's got like 7 likes. But I'm hesitant to write the starters bc ever since I started this blog, I'd write starters and no one would reply to them and starters take me like 8 years and a lot of effort to write. Its like my number one way to get me to break a mutual with you. So I'm hesitant to write the starters

My threads are really old. Tbh theres only one I'm looking forward to outside of discord rps.

So. I apologize to clog your dash with this.

I'm in a pickle.

I'm not in a good place right now.

I'm really. Really bad. And I dont see myself getting better right now. My biggest thing is that I'm alone through all of it to boot.

So I'm also not in a position where I should archive connor and isolate myself more. I dont know what's worse for my mental health.

Do I isolate and archive. Give up a muse I love and still have muse for? Or do I stay? And continue to feel shitty?

I dont know

Sorry.

I'm going to log out to resist the temptation to immediately delete this so if anyone has any sage words of wisdom, my discord is

bold what  applies  to  your  muse. Italicize what they want.

SIGHT.

small towns. big cities. six thirty curfews. lights that take the place of stars. blanket nests. light through the blinds as a wake-up call. found family. finding a single star in the middle of new york city. window shopping. watching something terrible and enjoying it. growing numb to the sight of injustice.  wilted flowers. faded caricatures.  bright, bold colors.

HEARING.

crickets and lightning bugs. car engines and a / c units. a phone call to mom/dad. laughing with friends. jokes that are so bad you have to laugh. the clicking of computer keys. noise cancelling headphones. the sound of silence. muffled music from another room. drumming fingertips on a table. clicking of pens.  listening to a clock and swearing the ticks get slower. ringing in the ears.  the voice of someone you love. pitch shifted songs.

TOUCH.

being held close during a long night. fleeting reassurances. holding hands when you’re scared. brushing fingers through strands of hair. freshly dried clothes. bruises on your knuckles. silk and satin.  your favorite pet’s fur or feather. wringing your hands anxiously. snuggies.  comforters in the dead of winter. nails against skin. cold metal. leather in summer.

TASTE.

coffee in the morning. tea in the evening. bubblegum that lost its flavor. alcohol burning the back of your throat. homemade cooking ,no matter what’s made. blood in your mouth. stale air. mint. fresh vegetables. that processed taste of citrus candy. the first meal you cook by yourself that tastes good.  foreign sweets. fast food. bittersweet. sour. spicy. sweet. bitter. too much salt on fries.

SMELL.

morning glories and honeysuckles. freshly cut grass. hot chocolate in the middle of winter. nail polish.  acetone. hospital rooms. smoke (incense). hair spray. your favorite shampoo /conditioner. the scent of home. perfume.  cologne.  mint. something burning. wet dogs.copper. metal. unemptied ash trays. something familiar yet different.

Tagged By: stole it from @strictauthority