damn sure would be nice to have “best friends” who are actually there for you and dont leave on read for a week after your brother died 🙃 lmaooo everyone bout fake as fuck

apathy feels more pleasant than anger or sadness

my brother died today. i guess yesterday since it’s past 12am, so the morning of the 13th of july. my mom called to tell me. i hate to hear her cry because she never cries. ironically one of the few times i’ve seen my mom break down was one mothers day, over a decade ago because my brother was visibly day drunk. over like 15 years later, and he dies of liver failure. he had severe OCD that made life really difficult for him. some of my earliest memories are surrounding his mental illness. we had a no touch rule in the house as early as i can remember. he had violent outbursts that made living with him difficult. i don’t have very good memories with him, and a lot of my most traumatic early childhood memories involve him abusing me in some way. he never liked me and he let me know every day as a kid until he moved out when he was a young teenager. he lived with my grandparents for awhile and then i don’t know. i would see him once every few years during a holiday and we would either slightly acknowledge each other or not speak at all. i didn’t go see him before he died because my first reaction to the grief was resentment and anger. because of course he died before me, of course the only time i could get any closure was in death and why would i owe someone who treated me so poorly deserve my sympathy now. i will either live to regret that decision forever or it will be the only correct decision i could have made, but right now it is conflicting, sad and isolating.

i’ve dealt with grief since i was a little kid and each time is so different and strange. i feel like i’m underwater trying to hold my hand out for help. i feel so much sadness, anger and relief all at the same time and it’s so confusing.

i need to find a new group of friends where apathy isnt considered cool. i feel like i’m not allowed to talk about anything if i’m not being funny about it, like i’m not allowed to be sincere because it’s considered lame or corny. i want to be around people who DO shit and not just for themselves. manifesting this.

i exist in a way that only 15 years of brain damage and substance abuse can facilitate