It was never cold in Shane’s bed, he ran hot, his muscular body always there, firm and pressing into the mattress beside her. Rose woke to the cold, a bristle beside her, the empty space where he usually was. She could’ve thought he was in the bathroom, sick from the alcohol or pissing but she knew, somehow, she knew he wasn’t there, that she was alone in his house. She had probably heard the door shut, felt him climb out of bed while she was sleeping, stored it subconsciously. Whatever it was she knew. She heard the buzz and the light of his phone filled the room. He never left his phone face up, she realised, and never left the house without it. It was worry, really that led her to sit up and look. She wasn’t proud of it, snooping, looking through her boyfriends phone, she wasn’t that kind of girl. But he was gone, in the middle of the night, and his phone was unlocked.

And there is was, that underlying fear, the thing she had been pushing down and ignoring. Lily had text him

--

What if Shane stayed with Rose?

A character study of Shane Hollander, a man with a strict moral compass who would never cheat, except for when he does.

And when, years later, Ilya Rozanov suspects his husband of cheating, how does he grapple with the guilt of being the other man, all those years ago.

cw: cheating, internalised homophobia

– Not tonight, it’s a bad idea.

Three dots appeared immediately, and Ilya responded before Shane could put his phone down.

– Hmm okay, is true. But I thought you liked to be bad

– I could do so many bad things to you

Fuck.

-----

What if Shane stayed with Rose?

A character study of Shane Hollander, a man with a strict moral compass who would never cheat, except for when he does.

And when, years later, Ilya Rozanov suspects his husband of cheating, how does he grapple with the guilt of being the other man, all those years ago.

cw: cheating, internalized homophobia

Shane could stare at him all day, could brush his cheeks with his thumb and kiss down the tight tendon of his neck. Could feel the flat of his palms against his hard chest. He could spend his lifetime worshipping this man’s body. “Stay,” Ilya whispered into the crease of Shane’s elbow.

“I can’t,” he said, keeping his eyes steady on the ceiling, steeped in blue darkness. "I’m meeting Rose.”

--

What if Shane stayed with Rose?

A character study of Shane Hollander, a man with a strict moral compass who would never cheat, except for when he does.

And when, years later, Ilya Rozanov suspects his husband of cheating, how does he grapple with the guilt of being the other man, all those years ago.

cw: cheating, internalized homophobia

Robin, being Robin believed him. She knew he was in pain, could see his suffering everyday. And so she told him she'd do it, she'd steal him some of the good stuff from the hospital. It was a bottle of 100 pills and they worked like a charm, and sure every now and then when he was particularly struck by grief or fear or anger he'd take a couple more than he should, was he not in pain? Did he not deserve to numb it?

But 100 pills don't last as long as he'd thought, and he was growing restless and angsty. Picking fights with Jonathan and Dustin whenever he was with them. He knew he was being a dick but he couldn't help it.

"I can't," Robin had said, "Not now I have to steal the Benzos for Joyce. Please Steve, I know you are in pain I can see it but can't you see it won't matter. Holly is missing, everything is going to hell can you just deal with your own shit for a few minutes."

She was right, he was being selfish and stupid in the face of the world literally ending but he couldn't stop it. He stormed off, left her to her own devices he didn't care anymore, he didn't care about anyone because Eddie was dead, and no one would know that Steve was grieving because they didn't know the secrets the two men kept. They didn't know of the whispered 'I love you's' or the plans they had made in the dark to run away together before both their worlds fell apart. They didn't know, when Steve told Eddie to not be a hero he really meant 'please don't die.' But then he did. So yeah, Steve is angry and destroyed and he needs the pills to get through the day whether or not he has a migraine. But he knew he was wrong, when he told Dustin that Eddie died for nothing, because it wasn't true, he had died for them all. But Steve didn't want that, Steve wanted Eddie alive, he wanted the man he loved to be selfish and a coward if it meant he was still here.